Many people are aware that all postal employees are, to be polite, complete nutbags. But few people are aware that they are also very easy to bribe. One day I asked my local postal employee to get me a few letters from Hollywood, and he did so after I promised him that he’d be reimbursed with AK-47’s. I present to you these letters, to and from various people in Hollywood.

Dear Steven Spielberg,

I just wanted to mention we all really enjoyed our session with you last night. While I’m not really sure why, I felt that last night, when we were kissing your ass, it was just better than usual. I know we kiss your ass once or twice every year, and you’d think we’d be used to it by now, but I still feel that the session last night was above par. I really felt something. I cried. We all did.

Regards,
The Academy

Dear Cuba Gooding Jr,

Happy 10th birthday! I hope that adult face grows in soon.

Love,
Mom

Dear George Lucas,

My friends and I were playing Star Wars monopoly again last night, and we all kinda realized that we just weren’t as into it all as we used to be. I haven’t even worn my Chewbacca costume since LAST WEEK! I just wanted to thank you for making Star Wars: Episode 1. My mom said if I didn’t start going out more often, she’d pay the girl next door go on a date with me! Eww!! Well, now that Episode 1 will be coming out, I’ll have at LEAST 30 nights out of my life to devote to watching it.

Sincerely,
D&D Club President, Atlanta Branch

Dear Left,

I don’t know if this letter will reach you all the way over there. I hope it does. I was just contacted about our new deal. I don’t know why our agent didn’t tell you, but we got the part! We’ll be appearing in the next sequel later this year!

Regards,
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s Right Breast

Dear Adam Sandler,

Last night I saw Waterboy for the 12th time. It’s funnier every time I see it. I heard from a friend that the new movie you’re working on is about a guy that gets a speeding ticket, can’t pay, and gets sentenced to walk around New York all day with a sign around his neck that says “Kick me in the balls.” I just wanted to say that I can’t wait for this to come out, it sounds hilarious! I can’t wait to see you get kicked in the balls! I hope you get to kick other people in their testicles as well, though. Maybe at the end you can be elected mayor and then there could be a sequel!

Sincerely,
An Idiot

Dear Shakespeare,

We ran out of ideas again. I hope you don’t mind - we’ll be “updating” another one of your older plays. Thanks for actually writing stuff.

Love,
Hollywood

Dear Proctologist,

Thanks for lodging that stick back up my ass. It began to slip out, and I started almost LIKING intelligent movies even if they weren’t period pieces or war films. I wouldn’t want to actually enjoy watching an action movie or a smart, witty comedy that makes people laugh.

Sincerely,
Film Critic

Dear Hollywood,

Last night I saw another movie you knew I would see. Good call! It must take a whole bunch of smart people over there to know that I’ll see any movie you make as long as it has the cast from Buffy, Dawson’s creek, or Party of Five.

Regards,
Teenagers