"This unicorn makes me horny. Wocka wocka wocka. But seriously, I'm going to hump it for hours."


"This unicorn makes me horny. Wocka wocka wocka. But seriously, I'm going to hump it for hours."

DEADPOOL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. HIGHWAY CLUSTERFUCK

We open on a HILARIOUS TITLE SEQUENCE straight out of an EDGAR WRIGHT MOVIE wherein a shit ton of MOOKS are playing SLOW-MOTION CAR CRASH AIR BALLET. But FIRST let's flashback to....

INT. TAXI - MOMENTS EARLIER

DEADPOOL sits in the back of a TAXI, on his way to do the thing. Yes, the actor’s name is RYAN REYNOLDS but when he’s wearing the COSTUME he’s FUCKING DEADPOOL, OKAY?

DEADPOOL

Ugh, can we hurry this up? We got transgressive R-rated violence to get to.

KARAN SONI

“Transgressive”? Really? I know that everyone’s shitting their drawers about how they got a successful R-rated nerd movie, but, I mean, Kingsman was R-rated. The Cornetto movies were R-rated. The Netflix Marvel series seem pretty R-rated. It’s not THAT special…

DEADPOOL

Silence, Slumdog! Do not defy the circlejerk! Deadpool is a landmark moment in geek culture!

KARAN SONI

Well, perhaps you could elucidate to me the tale of how a third-tier Deathstroke rip-off managed to star in this year’s Guardians of the Galaxy and resurrect Ryan Reynolds’ career for like the fifth time?

DEADPOOL

Gladly! You see, it all started way back when the fourth wall was still intact…

INT. APARTMENT – EVEN EARLIERER

RYAN REYNOLDS pops out of the BATHROOM, having just flushed GREEN LANTERN down the BOWL. He confronts a PIZZA GUY.

PIZZA GUY

Uh, I have an order here for “I. C. Weiner”.

RYAN REYNOLDS

That’s me. And pretty soon it’ll be all of you out there in the audience as well. Ladies, contain your orgasms. Also

(points gun at Pizza Guy)

PIZZA GUY

Uh oh. Why? Why me?

RYAN REYNOLDS

You’ve been stalking some lady, and I have a soft spot for some ladies. Leave her alone or me and my gorgeous abs will evacuate your brainpan.

PIZZA GUY

So this is what Wade Wilson does in his spare time? No more Spec-Ops mutant night raids, just fucking with stalkers in New York City?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Basically.

PIZZA GUY

Christ, I’m one unlucky pervert.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Not as unlucky as the fucker whose job it is to write an Abridged Script for what already amounts to an in-canon parody.

EDITING ROOM AUTHOR JOHN K

(pounds back another whiskey)

(smashes keyboard with head)

INT. DIVE BAR

RYAN goes back to his HOME BASE, a ROUGH and ROWDY BIKER BAR. He meets his buddy, T.J. MILLER.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Pour me a stiff one, T.J. I made like twelve bucks tonight.

T.J. MILLER

Yeah. You should probably consider going back to doing merc work for will.i.am if you want to start making some real cash again.

RYAN REYNOLD

I’m pretty sure he got rebooted out of existence four or five films ago.

T.J. MILLER

Thank god.

Suddenly, MORENA BACCARIN sidles up to the bar.

MORENA BACCARIN

Hey, handsome. Care for a blowjay? I’m running a special until midnight.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Wow. Morena Baccarin playing a hooker. Really stretching your horizons on this role, aren’t you, Inara?

MORENA BACCARIN

Weirdly, my previous portrayal of a courtesan in an iconic piece of geek history will be just about the only thing this movie DOESN’T break the fourth wall to reference. Anyway, you want to head back to my bunk or what?

RYAN REYNOLDS

The world NEEDS to see both of us get naked together, yes. But first, let us patter.

MORENA BACCARIN

An “I’m going to hell for this” joke-off? Very well. I’m so fucked up I blew my high school gym teacher to get back at my math teacher for dumping me.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I’m so fucked up when I was five I told my dad I was going out to get a pack of cigarettes and then I never came home.

MORENA BACCARIN

I’m so fucked up I cut my coke with heroin, my heroin with acid, my acid with OxyContin, and my OxyContin with Keith Richards’ father’s ashes.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I’m so fucked up my pastor wouldn’t molest me because I was into weird shit.

MORENA BACCARIN

I’m so fucked up I took my brother to couples’ therapy.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I’m so fucked up I took MY brother to couples’ therapy.

MORENA BACCARIN

This is so R-rated.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Yeah.

MORENA BACCARIN

Sex scene?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Sex MONTAGE.

They HIGH-FIVE and start FUCKIN’.

INT. MONTAGE OF PORKIN’

Our GENETICALLY PERFECT HEROES have a truly EPIC amount of PENETRATIVE FUNTIME. They fuck on the BED, they fuck in the CLOSET, they fuck on a BOAT, they fuck with a GOAT, they fuck on a BOX, they fuck with a FOX, they fuck in the KITCHEN with GREEN EGGS and HAM, they even fuck with WILL.I.AM!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Morena, I don’t know how to tell you this, but I really think I’m in love with your vagina bits. Also you. We’re weird together. It’s the best kind of relationship.

MORENA BACCARIN

It is surprisingly honest and entertaining. For once the love interest isn’t the absolute nadir of the experience. Looking at you, Natalie Portman in Thor and also Star Wars.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I wonder if this means you’ll be a fleshed out character who contributes to the plot.

MORENA BACCARIN

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Suddenly, CANCER happens!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Wait, seriously?

YEP.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Cancer?

UH-HUH.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Out of nowhere like that? I mean, I’m in fucking incredible shape. I probably chug kale protein shakes by the gallon. You could carve coal into diamonds on my lower stomach. And I just randomly have late stage cancer out of nowhere?

IT’S IN THE COMICS, DUDE.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Well, I’m not going to subject Morena to my Walter White-ification. Morena, look! It’s a decent season of Homeland!

MORENA BACCARIN

WHERE?!

But while she is LOOKING, RYAN disappears.

INT. DIVE BAR

RYAN mopes around waiting to get CANCER’d to DEATH.

T.J. MILLER

So, you’re not even going to attempt chemo?

RYAN REYNOLDS

What’s the point?

T.J. MILLER

Well, possibly being cured, I think, is the point. But you could also see what that shady looking suit guy in the corner is selling.

(actual line)

Maybe it’ll advance the plot.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Okay, fourth wall breaks are well and good, but please, let’s not let this get Joss Whedon-level cute.

RYAN talks to JED REES.

JED REES

I’ve been following you for some time, Ryan. Me and my shady organization want to cure your cancer using experimental gene therapy, no strings attached.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Hmm, that sounds like an incredibly stupid thing for me to fall for. I’m in. Wait, what does the process entail?

JED REES

Weeks of sanity-destroying torture.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Whoa, wait, maybe this isn’t such a good-

JED REES

Too late! No take-backs!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Dammit!

INT. TORTURE FACTORY

A restrained RYAN gets wheeled into the CREEPIEST-LOOKING BASEMENT this movie could AFFORD. There, he meets ED SKREIN and GINA CARANO.

ED SKREIN

Greetings, Ryan. I’ll be your designated villain for this movie.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Sweet! What are your powers?

ED SKREIN

Uh, well, I’m super strong and feel no pain.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Okay, how about your henchlady?

GINA CARANO

I’m just super strong.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(frowns at camera)

ED SKREIN

It’s a cheap movie, okay?! How was the studio supposed to know this would gross half a billion dollars?!

RYAN REYNOLDS

Well, lucky for you two I have personality enough for all three of us. As such, I will immediately begin antagonizing both of you because I’m basically Bugs Bunny with some swords.

ED injects RYAN with some MUTANT GOO and begins TORTURING HIM WITH ELECTROSHOCKS.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Pfft, is that the best you got for me?

ED tortures him with ICE BATHS.

RYAN REYNOLDS

It was getting warm in here, thanks.

ED tortures him with VIOLENT NUT-BASHING.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Alanis Morrisette used to give me worse on date night. You got nothing.

ED SKREIN

OKAY FINE. YOU WANT TORTURE, YOU GOT TORTURE.

ED locks RYAN in an AIRTIGHT GLASS COFFIN and forces him to watch himself in BLADE TRINITY and R.I.P.D. and THE CHANGE-UP and AMITYVILLE HORROR and SELF/LESS and

RYAN REYNOLDS

HOLY SHIT I’VE BEEN IN A LOT OF CRAP MOVIES. I CAN’T BREATHE. I CAN’T BREEEEATHE!!

His sanity finally DESTROYED, RYAN’s face and body get covered in UGLY.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Nooooo! My face! My beautiful, weirdly rectangular face!

ED SKREIN

Yes! Finally, I have broken you! Now I shall somehow begin using you as my personal super soldier henchman! I’m certain the mind-shattering hatred you now feel for me will pass in time. Oh, also, you’re immortal now.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Wait, really?

ED SKREIN

Yup. Healing factor. Just like Wolverine.

RYAN REYNOLDS

You should probably start apologizing to me. Just saying.

ED SKREIN

I could. Or I could force you to watch more Ryan Reynolds movies. How about we start with Turbo and-

RYAN REYNOLDS

OH THAT IS IT.

RYAN just fucking EXPLODES everything but he’s IMMORTAL NOW so he’s FINE. Except his CLOTHES aren’t. They’re GONE. Enjoy RYAN REYNOLD’S TUMESCENT ASS AND DONG, ladies.

INT. BAR

RYAN goes back to capitulate with T.J.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Hey.

T.J. MILLER

AH!

RYAN REYNOLDS

(sighing)

Get it out of your system.

T.J. MILLER

You look like melted Ken doll. You look like Darth Vader without his helmet on. You look like Playgirl Magazine’s Radiation Ghoul of the Month. You look like a Cabbage Patch doll that someone microwaved. You look like a veiny cock with a face drawn on it. You look like a cantaloupe with mange. Your eyes are too close together.

RYAN REYNOLDS

That last one hurt. Anyway, it’s for these aforementioned statements pertaining to my ugliness that I have decided I must not go back to Morena. She can’t see me all dick-ified.

T.J. MILLER

Which is incredibly insulting to her if you think about it, assuming she’ll just instantly dump your ass when you stopped being pretty. It also removes a lot of her agency to choose. But I guess if your vanity is more important than her knowing her boyfriend is alive, we can keep this story moving.

RYAN REYNOLDS

This is uncomfortable. Let’s put me in the costume already so we don’t have to think about how selfish I am.

T.J. MILLER

And thus the world’s longest viral video begins.

INT. MONTAGE OF KILLIN’

Having pulled the DEADPOOL SUIT out of his ASS, RYAN goes on a KILLING SPREE in his attempt to find ED. He kills mooks with LAWNMOWERS and he kills mooks with BATS and he kills mooks with GUNS and he kills mooks with CATS. He kills mooks with FLOWERS and kills mooks with BEES, then he horribly kills the head mook, JED REES! Finally, DEADPOOL finds out ED is going to be at the HIGHWAY for some reason.

DEADPOOL

Aaaand we’re back. Anyway, thanks for the expository taxi ride, Karan. But I gotta go do the anti-hero thing.

KARAN SONI

Go get ‘em, tiger!

DEADPOOL re-enacts the LEAKED TEST FOOTAGE we all saw LAST YEAR that got this MOVIE put into production in the FIRST PLACE. After the HIGHWAY CLUSTERFUCK ends DEADPOOL is about to eviscerate ED.

DEADPOOL

I’m going to enjoy this, you sadistic melon-headed Game of Thrones reject.

ED SKREIN

Holy shit, I WAS in Game of Thrones. That’s where I’ve seen myself before. Man, I thought I looked familiar-

DEADPOOL

No talkie! Only die!

ED SKREIN

But wait, you don’t understand! I can heal you! I can give you back your douchebag lifeguard physique!

DEADPOOL

Hmm. That IS tempting. But maybe with some more body hair, I really do look like the buffest twink at the rave club…

ED SKREIN

Look out! It’s Silver Surfer’s ‘roided-up older brother and his sidekick, mutant Wednesday Addams!

DEADPOOL

Pfft, you seriously think I’m going to fall for-

Suddenly, DEADPOOL gets clobbered by CGI STEFAN KAPICIC and BRIANNA HILDEBRAND.

DEADPOOL

You assholes! You just let a psychotic murderer get away!

CGI STEFAN KAPICIC

Is no concern of ours, comrade. You have been a naughty Deadpool, breaking rules and making murders and such.

DEADPOOL

So has he! He’s been torturing cancer patients to turn them into super soldiers! This guy collects war crimes like you correct weird Cyrillic accent marks!

BRIANNA HILDEBRAND

Pfft, whatever.

(hashtags her Adderall on an Avenged Sevenfold-brand Hoverboard)

(because she’s a teenager)

DEADPOOL

As hilarious as your Laurel and Hardy interplay is, I think I’m going to have to get back to my rampage here. So if you’ll excuse me-

CGI STEFAN KAPICIC

Nyet, Pool of Dead. You will now be kidnapped with us for to see Professor at X-Man mansion.

DEADPOOL

Fuck no, we can’t afford name actors! Unhand me at once!

(pause)

Fine, I'll do it myself.

DEADPOOL unhands himself and escapes!

INT. SHITTY APARTMENT

DEADPOOL

Well, my life is pretty much fucked. My girlfriend thinks I’m dead, my arch enemy is off doing who knows what, and now I’m living with a blind, coked-up Golden Girl.

LESLIE UGGAMS

(actual line)

Goddam, I miss cocaine.

DEADPOOL

And that tells you just about everything you need to know about her. In the comics, she’s a mysterious woman who I was tasked to murder but instead adopted as my slave/sarcastic mother figure. In this film, she’s… just sort of around. Anyway, back to the thing.

INT. DIVE BAR

ED, GINA, and a bunch of HENCHDOUCHES approach T.J.

ED SKREIN

Sup, nerd. Your old pal Ryan has been stirring up some shit. Know where we can find him and settle accounts via the liberal application of face bullets?

T.J. MILLER

Uh, no. Not at all.

GINA CARANO

Okay, well, we might as well kidnap Ryan’s best bro. And since Hugh Jackman’s doing some weird movie about eagles or something we might have to settle for-

T.J. MILLER

OH SHIT LOOK. MORENA’S BACK.

MORENA BACCARIN

Oh, you asshole!

ED SKREIN

Damsel it is then.

They CAPTURE MORENA!

EXT. XAVIER SCHOOL FOR CHEAPEST ACTORS

DEADPOOL goes to RECRUIT HELP for the BIG FINALE.

DEADPOOL

Knock knock!

CGI STEFAN KAPICIC

Who is there?

DEADPOOL

Deadpool.

CGI STEFAN KAPICIC

Deadpool who?

DEADPOOL

Deadpool your head out of your glorious reflective ass and help me. It’s climax time. And who doesn’t love a good climax?

CGI STEFAN KAPICIC

So. Pool of Dead is now to be asking for help from mutant friends when earlier he was making of many rude gestures and Groucho Marx put downs.

DEADPOOL

That was like half an hour ago! It’s in the past! Come on, Chrome October. Help a brother out.

CGI STEFAN KAPICIC

Me and bowling ball-headed girl will aid you, Pool.

DEADPOOL

And?

CGI STEFAN KAPICIC

And what?

DEADPOOL

What about Cyclops? Beast? Uh, is Toad a good guy lately? How about someone who hasn’t been in the movies yet, like Wither? Or Boom Boom? OH! Is Tatum still doing Gambit? Me and him onscreen, god, can you IMAGINE the fanfic?! Or how about-

CGI STEFAN KAPICIC

Nyet, Comrade Pool. Is just me and Anger Girl of as-yet undetermined power. See?

DEADPOOL peeks insides the MANSION.

DEADPOOL

Jesus, it’s emptier in here than The Editing Room’s merch store.

EDITING ROOM FOUNDER ROD

WE HAVE A STORE?!?!

EXT. GIANT HELICARRIER THAT IS JUST RESTING ON THE DOCKS FOR SOME REASON

DEADPOOL

Alright, guys, here’s the plan. We kill the bad guys. Got it?

CGI STEFAN KAPICIC

We are not to be subverting tropes anymore? Is just normal comic book movie now?

DEADPOOL

Ugh, just punch mooks, okay. We’ll save it with jokes later.

MUTANT MOE, LARRY and CURLY fight some SWAT guys and also GINA CARANO. Eventually, DEADPOOL discovers MORENA is being held in the TORTURE BOX by ED and being forced to watch some MORE REYNOLDS CRAP!

DEADPOOL

Nooo! Quick, Morena! Use your powers to save yourself!

MORENA BACCARIN

Huh?

DEADPOOL

Your mutant powers! Use them!

MORENA BACCARIN

I, uh…

DEADPOOL

Wait, what? In the comics you’re the most powerful mimic in the X-Men universe. You can copy creatures on a cellular level. Turn into an elephant! A gorilla! Hell, turn into ME! It would be fucking hilarious watching two Ryan Reynolds’s have a slap fight with Ed Skrein.

MORENA BACCARIN

I guess we’re skipping all that for this movie. I’m just gonna lie here and die for a bit until you save me.

DEADPOOL

Fuck’s sake. Copycat doesn’t copy anything, but we just had to throw in the blind lady for a five minutes of Family Guy-level disabled jokes, didn’t we? Fuck it.

He fights ED, fights ED some more, eventually expends MAXIMUM EFFORT to win!

DEADPOOL

Alright, Mr. Clean. Fix my face. Also, why the hell didn’t I call you Mr. Clean in the movie, you’re named after a dish soap for fuck’s sake. That one was staring us right in the face, I mean, Jesus.

ED SKREIN

Well, sucks for you, Deadpool. No one can fix your ugly. You’re gonna look like the inside of a pumpkin forever! Mwahahaha!

(pause)

I now realize I should probably have kept up this lie for a bit longer so you don’t immediately kill-

(dies)

MORENA BACCARIN

So. You’re alive.

DEADPOOL

Uh, no. I’m actually a ghost and this is all a dream. Shhhh….

(gently tries to strangle her into unconsciousness)

MORENA BACCARIN

No. No more. It’s time to grow the fuck up and let me see your cancer face.

RYAN REYNOLDS

(removing mask)

Happy now?

MORENA BACCARIN

Wow. You’re so fucked up, you look like Lance Armstrong’s remaining testicle.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I’m so fucked up I look like Robert De Niro’s Frankenstein and Gollum had a crack baby.

MORENA BACCARIN

You’re so fucked up you’d make Stevie Wonder invest in a blindfold just in case.

RYAN REYNOLDS

I’m so fucked up I’ve been standing on my hands and talking to you with my ass this entire time and you couldn’t tell because of how fucked up I am.

(pause)

I assume this means we’re still weird together?

MORENA BACCARIN

Fuck it. I’m hot enough for the both of us.

They KISS. RYAN talks to his PARTNERS.

RYAN REYNOLDS

And that’s the story of how a beloved cult character got marketed out the ass to the tune of half a billion dollars, thereby edging the character many precious steps closer to overexposure. But hey, we saw Reynolds-dong so, you know, worth it.

BRIANNA HILDEBRAND

Pfft, it was basically just a decent X-Men movie with more swears.

RYAN REYNOLDS

You know what, Negasarcastic Teenage Weaksauce? Sometimes things are formulaic because formula fucking works, okay? Things are popular for a reason, not everything needs to be ironically snarked at.

EDITING ROOM AUTHOR JOHN K

Wait, really?! Thank Christ!

JOHN K finishes his bottle of EVAN WILLIAMS and publishes the FUCKING SCRIPT FINALLY.

END.

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