FADE IN:

INT. AUDITORIUM

DENNIS QUAID is giving a speech to a bunch of WHITE, GRAY HAIRED OLD MEN who huff and puff at his every word.

DENNIS QUAID

So I just read this psychotic, paranoid book about climate change called ‘The Coming Global Superstorm’ by Whitley Strieber and Art Bell

ANGRY OLD WHITE GUYS

(huffing)

Whitley Streiber? Isn’t he the guy that wrote that book about how he and his wife were abducted by aliens? And didn’t Art Bell write a book about UFOs as well? These guys are meteorologists now?

DENNIS QUAID

See, it’s that kind of close-minded attitude that is supporting the lack of consideration for the environment which will eventually cause devastating global warming effects in the next hundred or so years.

(checks his watch)

Oh shit, I forgot to wind my watch! It’s today! Aiee! Bla bla water bla freezing bla bla climate bla bla destruction!

Everything goes TOTALLY FUCKING WRONG. LOS ANGELES is RAVISHED by TORNADOES and THE WORLD’S STUPIDEST TELEVISION REPORTERS all get KILLED.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Dad, what’s happening?

DENNIS QUAID

Bla bla bullshit science weather bla bla global blah ice caps blah devastation!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

I’m all for suspension of disbelief in hollywood and asking films be consistent only with their own internal logic, but when the only point of the movie is to be a “this could happen” warning, isn’t there some additional degree of scientific accuracy for which we should hold the filmmakers accountable?

SELA WARD

Son, this film is more than just a warning message against driving SUV’s and using hairspray.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

It is?

SELA WARD

Yes, it’s also an unfocused, self contradictory jumble of mindless political balderdash that touches briefly on issues of immigration, and foreign policy. It shamelessly criticizes our administration for being narrow minded while simultaneously pandering to our sense of patriotism by, for example, having the statue of liberty stand firm against an enormous wave as a symbol of our nation’s strength.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Really? I’ve gotta see that. I’m going to New York to watch this asinine spectacle unfold.

SELA WARD

Alright. I’m going to be leaving the movie almost entirely now. I’ll leave you in the hands of your inspid lunatic of a father.

DENNIS QUAID

Bla bla bla ocean bla temperature bla climate!

Meanwhile….

Oh wait, no, this is pretty much the only story we follow.

Nevermind, back to DENNIS and JAKE.

EXT. NEW YORK CITY

JAKE GYLLENHAAL is in NEW YORK CITY and it begins RAINING HEAVILY. His love interest, EMMY ROSSUM, gets cut. Everyone piles into the LIBRARY. JAKE calls HOME on a pay phone as the room fills with water from below.

DENNIS QUAID

Bla bla Jake ocean bla fifth avenue bla!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Dad! I’m calling from a pay phone in the library. Why the phone is working while totally submerged in water is beyond me, but the point is that I don’t know what to do! Help!

DENNIS QUAID

Bla bla science bla coming to get you bla bla!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Wait, you’re coming to Manhattan? From D.C.? Why? All you’re going to do when you get here is wait with us and hope the storm stops, which is what I’m going to do anyway. The only difference is that, if you come to me, you needlessly risk the lives of your hopelessly loyal crew.

DENNIS QUAID

Bla bla currents bla bla moisture bla see you soon.

DENNIS begins his heroic trek to, uh, be near his son when they both die, I guess.

DENNIS’ CREW MEMBER

Dennis.. correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t this storm kill everyone in the upper part of the United States, everyone in Canada, and the populations of parts of Europe and Asia?

DENNIS QUAID

Bla bla tragic bla.

DENNIS’ CREW MEMBER

So, why, exactly, is anyone supposed to give a fuck about you and your know-it-all son? Why are we given no reason to care about the billions dead, but given two hours worth of forced emotion for you and Donnie Darko?

DENNIS QUAID

Bla bla Roland Emmerich bla character-driven screenplay bla pathetic bla.

Meanwhile..

INT. NEW YORK LIBRARY

EMMY’S CUT is infected. JAKE treks out to a ship frozen in the water to get medicine. He is confronted by WOLVES.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Oh no! Tornadoes, tidal waves, freezing air, hailstorms and, now, God’s cruelest natural disaster, some wolves! Oh fate!

JAKE deals with this TOTALLY UNNECESSARY EXTRA CHALLENGE and gets some PENICILLIN, which is, miraculously, not frozen.

DENNIS arrives shortly afterwards and is reunited with his son!

EMMY ROSSUM

And I’m cured! All is right in the world! Except for the billions dead!

Suddenly, the storm STOPS for no reason!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

Hooray!

DENNIS QUAID

Bla bla deus ex machina bla!

DICK CHENEY LOOKALIKE

I am sorry for not listening to you early. Truly now I see the dire consequences of not caring about the environment.

(looking right at the camera)

We could all learn a lot from these events.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL

You know, if shitbag director Roland Emmerich really gave a good god damn about the environment, he would have taken the $250 million budget for this film and just given it to an environmental research team, preventing the events depicted from ever actually having to occur without a hundred-year warning. Why bother making this movie?

DENNIS QUAID

Bla bla special effects justification bla blah pornography for weathermen blah.

END