"I'm only gonna ask you this one more time - WHO GAVE ME THIS STUPID HAIRCUT?"


"I'm only gonna ask you this one more time - WHO GAVE ME THIS STUPID HAIRCUT?"

CRIMINAL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. ABANDONED WAREHOUSE - LONDON

CIA agent RYAN REYNOLDS is captured and interrogated by mustache-twirling supervillian JORDI MOLLÀ and professional silent henchwoman ANTJE TRAUE.

JORDI MOLLÀ

Ryan, I know you're working with superhacker Michael Pitt here in London to acquire his computer program that lets anyone control all the world's missiles. Holy shit, this was a repurposed 90's Bond script, wasn't it?

RYAN REYNOLDS

Do you expect me to talk? I have no interest in even being in this movie. I've got my "serious actor facial hair" so I know I won't say a single snarky thing or break any fourth walls.

JORDI MOLLÀ

Oh come on, this role is perfect for you, we'll have you out of here by 5 and even pay for your Lyft to the set of Deadpool.

RYAN REYNOLDS

Hmm, I don't know. Let me consult my handy-dandy "Ryan Reynolds Role Acceptance Flowchart." First, do I wear a comic book costume like in Blade Trinity, R.I.P.D, The Paperman, X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Deadpool, and Green Lantern?

JORDI MOLLÀ

No...

RYAN REYNOLDS

Alright, do I at least switch minds with people like in The Change-Up and Self/less?

JORDI MOLLÀ

Yes!

RYAN REYNOLDS

I'm in!

(killed)

ANTJE TRAUE

(no lines)

INT. SECRET GOVERNMENT FACILITY

ALICE EVE is meeting with her boss, GARY OLDMAN.

ALICE EVE

Gary Oldman!? What are you doing in this Syfy channel reject? Anyway, Ryan is dead but he was super close to closing the deal to get this magic hacker program from Michael Pitt. We need to find the duffel bag of money Ryan promised Michael so we can pay him and get the program ourselves.

GARY OLDMAN

Well since we're the government, we can probably just get another duffel bag full of money together for the guy, certainly it would be less expensive than whatever the hell complete insanity the rest of this movie is going to be.

ALICE EVE

That won't work because only Ryan knew how to contact Michael, because that's how the CIA works and nobody ever writes anything down. If there's one thing intelligence organizations love, it's information bottlenecks.

GARY OLDMAN

Seems implausible as hell but fine, we'll use an experimental procedure to forcefully put Ryan's memories inside of a brain-damaged violent criminal who will then surely comply with our demands. And the only person suitable is... KEVIN COSTNER!

KEVIN COSTNER

Grizzle, grumble. Growl!

ALICE EVE

Holy shit, Kevin Costner too? I didn't realize there'd be so many stars in this thing, did it even come out in theaters? Did someone cast me by accident?

KEVIN COSTNER

Grr. Violence. Assault, armed robbery, willful copyright violations, jaywalking!

GARY OLDMAN

And the only doctor on the planet who can perform this procedure is... TOMMY LEE JONES!

TOMMY LEE JONES

(sad eyes)

Sigh. Can someone please reattach my tail?

ALICE EVE

AND Tommy Lee Jones? What the hell is going on here? I had to go to IMDB to make sure this movie is even real! This is like going to Japan and discovering Leonardo DiCaprio has secretly been doing Jim Beam commercials for years.

GARY OLDMAN

It's just a little "JFK" reunion, I'm sure this film will be as serious and critically acclaimed as that Oliver Stone classic.

(pause)

So anyway, Tommy, if you could go ahead and shove fistfuls of Ryan Reynolds's brain chunks into Kevin's skull...

TOMMY does SURGERY MAGIC and KEVIN wakes up with a terrible headache.

KEVIN COSTNER

Gravel, snarl. What'd you do to me, Doc?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Well, we needed a place to put Ryan Reynold's memories and since you had a brain injury when you were a child that made you not develop emotions...

KEVIN COSTNER

Hmm, won't that just give me Ryan's emotions? Wouldn't you want someone whose brain damage gave them amnesia?

TOMMY LEE JONES

Nope, someone got as far as the chapter on "Phineas Gage" in their Psychology 101 textbook and decided to immediately write a screenplay.

KEVIN COSTNER

Amnesia is literally the most common symptom of brain damage, you could have picked like any ex-football player. Grunt, rumble.

TOMMY LEE JONES

Yeah but this way you don't know right from wrong, so you get to indiscriminately murder people and still be the hero when you...

(checks script)

Take over Ryan's family and become his daughter's new dad? Holy shit this is bananas, I'm out.

(vanishes from movie)

KEVIN escapes by brutally throat-slicing some cops and crashing their car.

INT. GREEK RESTAURANT

KEVIN, finally free from prison after decades, decides it's ABOUT GODDAMN TIME for a GYRO.

KEVIN COSTNER

(points to menu)

Gimme that. Look at how rude I am, that's the undeveloped prefontal lobe talking.

RESTAURANT OWNER

Sir, please go to the back of the line. "Dances with Wolves"-era Costner could skip the line but "Draft Day"-era? No.

KEVIN COSTNER

(grabs someone else's food)

That's right, I'm a fucking wild man. I don't know right from wrong you jerks so I'm gonna eat the fucking shit out of your kebab. And that tip jar? Yeah, you can fuck yourself with it, how about that?

RESTAURANT OWNER

Didn't you just murder a couple security guards and cause a fatal car collision with innocent people? Is all of this really necessary to establish what a remorseless dillweed you are?

KEVIN COSTNER

And guess what, dick butt? I'm gonna swipe a Coke from your fridge just like that, and then I'm gonna use it to fucking litter! So choke on that big bag of cocks!

RESTAURANT OWNER

Well I guess I could just call the police. And since you're a wanted criminal wearing no disguise and making no attempt to lay low, I think it's fair to say you suck at this.

KEVIN COSTNER

Then I'm going to steal an enormous slow purple van with a bunch of easily-identifiable writing on every side of it, and I'm going to make as big a scene doing it as humanly possible, I don't even care! And if you think for one second I'm going to keep my radio at a reasonable volume then you've got another thing coming! Costner out!

After KEVIN finishes being a RUDE ASSHOLE in the GREEK RESTAURANT, he proceeds to be a RUDE ASSHOLE in a FRENCH CAFE, a RUDE ASSHOLE in a PAWN SHOP, a RUDE ASSHOLE in a LIBRARY, and a RUDE ASSHOLE in a PHARMACY.

KEVIN COSTNER

Yeeeeeeah, FUCK your social conventions, I'm a goddamn madman! Standing in lines is for dipshits, and I'm in England so I'm being doubly anti-social!

KEVIN suddenly unlocks LEVEL 1 MEMORIES from RYAN, allowing him to drive directly to RYAN'S HOUSE.

INT. RYAN REYNOLDS'S FAMILY HOME

KEVIN enters RYAN'S house to find his daughter and his wife, GAL GADOT.

GAL GADOT

That's right, the bafflingly great star power continues with me, Gal Gadot!

KEVIN COSTNER

...

GAL GADOT

Wonder Woman until DC gives up and reboots the whole thing? No?

KEVIN COSTNER

(shrugs)

GAL GADOT'S DAUGHTER

I like Kevin, he's my friend, I'm going to teach him piano, can he stay for dinner?

GAL GADOT

Holy Christ I have failed to teach you about Stranger Danger. Your dad was in the CIA too so, what the fuck?

KEVIN COSTNER

Look, I know this may come as a shock to you, but I am your husband. Your much older, grayer, wrinklier, achier, lumpier husband. You traded way down is what I'm saying.

GAL GADOT

I'm convinced, and strangely attracted to you. Don't tell Superman.

KEVIN COSTNER

I think I remember your husband hid a bag of money behind a bunch of George Orwell books that should probably have been Franz Kafka books to be thematically relevant.

(pause)

Is there any chance your CIA-trained husband needlessly involved you and your family in his dangerous negotiation with an international outlaw working with Russian terrorists by using your professional access to a rare book collection to hide the money being used in the transaction?

GAL GADOT

Yes, and I keep the key in a little unlocked box next to my giant front bay window. Damn, my husband was the worst CIA agent ever, wasn't he?

KEVIN enters the LOCKED RARE BOOK COLLECTION and carelessly dumps dozens of priceless rare books onto the floor like a RUDE ASSHOLE.

KEVIN COSTNER

Aha! The duffel bag is still here, thank God nobody fucking reads anymore amirite?

KEVIN suddenly unlocks LEVEL 2 MEMORIES from RYAN, allowing him to drive directly to MICHAEL PITT'S HIDEOUT.

INT. GAL GADOT'S OFFICE AT WORK

KEVIN COSTNER blows up an entire University of London chemistry lab like a RUDE ASSHOLE and then finds MICHAEL PITT.

KEVIN COSTNER

Michael, I'm actually Ryan Reynolds just, like, way way hairier. I need you to hand over your special hacker program in excha-- wait, I'm sorry, is this seriously Gal Gadot's office? Was Ryan Reynolds trying to get his entire family killed?

JORDI MOLLÀ

Mua-ha-ha! Speaking of them, I've kidnapped Ryan's family to force you to cooperate with me and hand over the USB drive or floppy disk or whatever the fuck I'm after.

KEVIN COSTNER

Why would you assume I actually care about Ryan's family? I mean, I do for some inane reason, but why would you assume that?

JORDI MOLLÀ

Because not only are you getting Ryan's memories, but his emotions too, including his love for his wife and daughter! Truly this raises interesting questions about the nature of love, free will, identity, and--

MICHAEL PITT

(shot by Antje Traue)

ANTJE TRAUE

(silent)

JORDI MOLLÀ

Nevermind, car chase time!

KEVIN chases JORDI while the entire LONDON police force chases KEVIN. KEVIN escapes by forcing dozens of police officers just doing their job into deadly collisions, then while they're burning to death he actually gives them THE FINGER like a RUDE ASSHOLE.

EXT. AIRPORT

KEVIN literally AXE-MURDERS some guy and then hurls a hatchet at JORDI.

JORDI MOLLÀ

Give me the Zip disk or I kill Gal Gadot's daughter, permanently ending your piano lessons!

KEVIN COSTNER

Yeah, take it. That's exactly what I came here to do, not sure why you gave me such a hard time and tried to kill me.

JORDI MOLLÀ

Oh. Well, thanks. Uh, bye.

(shoots Kevin)

JORDI boards his PLANE and takes off. He immediately sticks the foreign disk into his work laptop, failing his annual I.T. Security Awareness Training.

GARY OLDMAN

Kevin, what have you done? You just gave a terrorist access to all the world's missiles! And then we let his plane get away without making any effort whatsoever to shoot it down! You are such a fucking rude asshole!

KEVIN COSTNER

Don't worry, just before irresponsibly getting Michael Pitt killed I had him modify the software, so the missile will target Jordi! Also it deletes all his funny gifs.

GAL GADOT

Wait, but what if he launched a missile right away instead of boarding his plane first? Hell, what if he waited until he was in like a crowded location? Why not just make the program not work instead?

KEVIN COSTNER

Oh, shit. Wow, I'm fucking terrible at this, huh?

GAL GADOT

Yeah!

(pause)

Hey, you really are Ryan Reynolds after all!

GAL and her DAUGHTER immediately get over RYAN dying a week ago and readily accept KEVIN as a replacement. GARY OLDMAN faces no consequences for any of this ridiculousness and in fact gets to keep his job and hire KEVIN.

KEVIN COSTNER

I used to be considered such a dangerous criminal that I was chained to the ceiling by my neck, so I'm sure this'll all work out fine.

END

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