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Conan the Barbarian

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

BAD GUYS ARE ATTACKING a barbarian village. LAILA ROUASS is busy SLAUGHTERING PEOPLE and being PREGNANT.

LAILA ROUASS

Oh no! I'm mortally wounded! I want to see my baby before I die.

RON PERLMAN

No problem. I got this move from Twilight: Breaking Dawn.

RON rips the baby from her womb with a DAGGER. She reacts with no more discomfort than if she just ate a HOT POCKET.

LAILA ROUASS

Aw, he's beautiful. Let's name him Jay Leno.

RON PERLMAN

Hell, no. I'm with Coco.

EXT. BARBARIAN VILLAGE – 13 YEARS LATER

STEPHEN LANG and his ARMY attack a barbarian village. RON PERLMAN and YOUNG JASON MOMOA are taken captive.

STEPHEN LANG

You're the last of the barbarian tribes. I've conquered all the others and taken their Sacred Legos® to build this really awesome mask. Only one piece is missing. Now gimme all your Legos, and they better be the same color as mine!

RON PERLMAN

Barbarians don't share Legos!

STEPHEN LANG

Fine, I don't need your help. My daughter's a witch, and she's on this shit like Harry Potter on a horcrux.

YOUNG ROSE MCGOWAN magically finds the missing Lego piece. STEPHEN LANG completes the evil mask, takes a polaroid, and sends away for the free Lego Maniac patch.

YOUNG ROSE MCGOWAN

Polaroids? Lego Maniacs? Are you stuck in the 1980s?

ABRIDGED SCRIPT WRITER RICK LEWIS

Why else would I volunteer to parody this movie?

STEPHEN LANG

Time to put on my mask and unleash my godlike power!

SCREENWRITERS T.D. DONNELLY/JOSHUA OPPENHEIMER/SEAN HOOD

Wait! New rule! The mask doesn't work without the blood of last surviving descendent of the kings who first made the mask a thousand years ago.

STEPHEN LANG

A second MacGuffin? That's bullshit!

SCREENWRITERS T.D. DONNELLY/JOSHUA OPPENHEIMER/SEAN HOOD

Did we mention this MacGuffin is a hot babe, and you get to see her boobs?

DIRECTOR MARCUS NISPEL

I'm going to allow it.

STEPHEN kills RON PERLMAN. YOUNG JASON swears revenge.

INT. MONASTERY – 13 YEARS LATER

RAAD RAWI, head of an ancient priestly order, sits around with a whole bunch of SUPER HOT NUNS.

RAAD RAWI

When I close my eyes, I see you getting it on with a big manly warrior.

RACHEL NICHOLS

Wow, it must be amazing to see the future.

RAAD RAWI

Huh? I can't see the future.

Suddenly, STEPHEN LANG'S ARMY attacks. JASON MOMOA shows up just in time to rescue RACHEL, the last surviving descendent of the mask-makers.

EXT. THE CLIFFS OF INANITY

JASON and RACHEL lure STEPHEN and ROSE into a fight by the ocean.

JASON MOMOA

Hello. My name is Jason Momoa. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

STEPHEN LANG

Hey, now. You can't skip straight to the boss. Haven't you ever played Nintendo? You've got to fight a bunch of identical lackeys first.

ROSE summons a bunch of CGI SAND GOLEMS who crumble when you touch them, like if the trolls in Lord of the Rings were made from POWDERED SUGAR. This battle continues until the filmmakers run out of MONEY in the SPECIAL EFFECTS BUDGET.

Finally, JASON and STEPHEN fight.

DIRECTOR MARCUS NISPEL

(checking his watch)

Hold on, guys. We've got another hour to go. Jason, why don't you just run away or something?

JASON MOMOA

Never! I'm a barbarian! I've been chasing this guy my entire life!

DIRECTOR MARCUS NISPEL

A little help?

SCREENWRITERS T.D. DONNELLY/ JOSHUA OPPENHEIMER/SEAN HOOD

We're on it.

(typing furiously)

"Jason runs away."

JASON MOMOA

You guys are assholes.

JASON and RACHEL jump into ocean and slowly swim away.

STEPHEN LANG

Quick! Summon my archers! Or cast a spell! Or just jump in after them!

SCREENWRITERS T.D. DONNELLY/ JOSHUA OPPENHEIMER/SEAN HOOD

(typing furiously)

"Stephen and Rose stand around doing nothing as the heroes escape."

STEPHEN LANG

What was the point of this scene again?

INT. NONSO ANOZIE'S PARTY BARGE

RACHEL is hanging out with NONSO ANOZIE, sipping mojitos on the leto deck.

NONSO ANOZIE

You know, Jason Momoa isn't just a badass warrior, he's also noble enough to be a king, sexy enough to be a supermodel, snuggly enough to be a kitten, and talented enough to be the next American Idol.

RACHEL NICHOLS

Wow, you're quite the wingman.

NONSO ANOZIE

He's also an excellent chef, good with children, likes long walks on the beach-

RACHEL NICHOLS

Okay, okay, I'll sleep with him.

JASON enters.

JASON MOMOA

Bye, Rachel. I'm off to hunt for Stephen Lang again.

NONSO ANOZIE

Why leave her behind? The bad guys still need her blood. She's like a Stephen Lang magnet.

JASON MOMOA

Because my actions are controlled by the same morons that wrote Sahara and A Sound of Thunder.

NONSO ANOZIE

Oh shit, mine too!

JASON MOMOA

Despite that fact, I'll trust you to keep Rachel safe for me. Don't let her out of your sight. Not even for a second.

NONSO ANOZIE

I promise.

JASON leaves.

NONSO ANOZIE

Still wanna bang Jason Momoa?

RACHEL NICHOLS

Do I!

NONSO ANOZIE

Off you go.

JASON and RACHEL have sex. The next morning, she heads back to the ship alone, only to be captured by ROSE MCGOWAN.

ROSE MCGOWAN

Okay. We've got the mask. And we've got your blood. We're finally ready to turn my dad into a god!

SCREENWRITERS T.D. DONNELLY/ JOSHUA OPPENHEIMER/SEAN HOOD

Wait! New rule! First you've got to go to the fortress of the people who made the mask.

ROSE MCGOWAN

Jason was right about you guys.

INT. CITY OF THIEVES

JASON heads to the CITY OF THIEVES to pick up SAÏD TAGHMAOUI.

SAÏD TAGHMAOUI

I am a master thief, and I owe you my life. How can I repay my debt?

JASON MOMOA

I need you to break into the bad guy's fortress for me. Fortunately, there are no guards, just a locked door that no one watches.

SAÏD TAGHMAUOI

Seriously?

SCREENWRITER THOMAS DEAN DONNELLY

No, it makes sense! It's just an abandoned old fortress.

SCREENWRITER JOSHUA OPPENHEIMER

Nuh-uh! It's fully occupied castle! With a dungeon full of prisoners!

SCREENWRITER SEAN HOOD

Okay, it's an abandoned fortress *but* with a fully occupied dungeon.

SCREENWRITERS T.D. DONNELLY/ JOSHUA OPPENHEIMER/SEAN HOOD

Damn, we're a good team!

INT. EVIL FORTRESS

RACHEL is tied to a GIANT PIRATE SHIP WHEEL while ROSE babbles endlessly.

ROSE MCGOWAN

And when my dad has godlike power, I'm gonna throw a pool party, and everyone's gonna wanna come. And I'm gonna buy new shoes. And a car. And an iPad. And-

RACHEL NICHOLS

OMG! Just kill me already!

DIRECTOR MARCUS NISPEL

Wait! The lighting is all wrong here. As in, there is some. Let's move the final battle into a dark cave where the 3D will be a muddy mess.

EXT. FORTRESS ENTRANCE

SAÏD picks the lock to the fortress. JASON kills a bunch of dungeon guards and, oh, let's say a CGI sea monster. Unfortunately, the bad guys have ALREADY LEFT.

JASON MOMOA

Look! Everyone is headed towards that skull-shaped cave!

SAÏD TAGHMAOUI

So this entire break-in was pointless? Damn it, I'm going home.

JASON MOMOA

Um, guys? The mouth of the cave is in the middle of a cliff. How the hell is anyone supposed to get inside?

SCREENWRITERS T.D. DONNELLY/ JOSHUA OPPENHEIMER/SEAN HOOD

A little help?

FILM EDITOR KEN BLACKWELL

I'm on it.

CUT TO:

INT. SKULL CAVE

STEPHEN gives RACHEL a severe paper cut, and a little bit of BLOOD drips into the MASK.

RACHEL NICHOLS

That's it? That's all you need?

STEPHEN LANG

Yep. You can tell it worked because the mask has morphed from "awesome-looking" to "fossilized shower cap."

ROSE MCGOWAN

At last, my dad has godlike powers! This is going to be awesome!

Nothing happens.

ROSE MCGOWAN

Come on, godlike powers. We've been talking about it for two hours now.

Nothing happens.

Suddenly, JASON MOMOA ATTACKS!

The SHEER POWER of his AWESOMENESS causes the entire cave to START COLLAPSING, but only INTERMITTENTLY between fight scenes.

STEPHEN LANG

At last, the final battle!

JASON MOMOA

Wait, first let me kill Rose anticlimactically while she's paying attention to Rachel.

He DOES.

JASON MOMOA

Okay, you were saying?

STEPHEN LANG

I was reminding you of your father's dying words. What was that thing he said right before he died?

JASON MOMOA

"Barbarians don't share Legos."

STEPHEN LANG

Oh yeah. Never mind. Now watch me give your girlfriend that Tony Stark disease from Iron Man 2!

JASON MOMOA

Watch me play tiddlywinks with the planks of this bridge, flipping you into a river of lava!

STEPHEN LANG

That's your big finishing move? Have movies learned nothing from video games??

STEPHEN falls into the lava, destroying the mask once and for all.

JASON MOMOA

At last, I've killed my father's murderer! My revenge is complete.

RACHEL NICHOLS

And you saved the world!

JASON MOMOA

I did what now?

RACHEL NICHOLS

You stopped Stephen from enslaving all humanity.

JASON MOMOA

Oh, that was just a happy accident.

RACHEL NICHOLS

Some hero.

JASON MOMOA

A little help?

FILM EDITOR KEN BLACKWELL

I'm on it.

END.