The Abridged Script
JUDE LAW and VARIOUS SOLDIERS are in a trench. Stuff EXPLODES and fighting breaks out. People DIE, but JUDE LAW doesn't.
EXT. COLD MOUNTAIN - YEARS EARLIER
NICOLE KIDMAN arrives in COLD MOUNTAIN. She meets JUDE LAW.
Hello Jude Law. I don't particularly have feelings for you one way or another.
I love you, despite our total lack of chemistry.
Oh, right, me too.
Too bad I'm going to war tomorrow.
What the fuck?
He LEAVES, but NICOLE promises to wait for him, despite barely knowing him at all. She gives him pictures and a book. Eventually, he gets injured. Then he becomes okay again. Meanwhile, back at the farm..
I am likeable and nonthreatening, so I must die.
I am completely alone now and incapable of basic tasks. I must write to Jude Law and ask that he skip out on the war, under penalty of certain death.
I am here to help you cope, using my common sense, my farming skills, and my ridiculous accent. Let us join together.
Don't forget about me, I love you both too.
Wait... that looks like sisterhood...
Before the audience can think any longer, we cut to:
JUDE LAW abandons the army to come home. He begins his long voyage home, where he will meet many interesting characters and have wild adventures.
PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN
Greetings Jude Law! I'm a priest who is terribly horny, isn't that ironic?
It sure is, you zany character! Come with me, on my quest to get home without being caught by those nasty southerners!
JUDE AND PHILLIP
We're off to see the Kidman, the wonderful Kidman of Australia!
They travel onward and eventually meet JENA MALONE.
Gosh, what's wrong Jena Malone?
I'm sad, for you see, I have always wanted an important role, but I don't have one in this movie.
Well come with us, Jena! We're off to see the Kidman!
They continue on. JENA is shot and killed by EVIL SOUTHERNERS. Then PHILIP is.
EXT. COLD MOUNTAIN
NICOLE and RENEE have improved the farm a great deal, and bonded significantly. Meanwhile, the EVIL SHERIFF visits KATHY BAKER'S FARM. He finds out that they are sympathizers with army deserters, so he murders her family because he is a COMPLETE MOTHER FUCKER.
Arr, I'm despicable! This sort of behavior awaits Jude once he gets back, in case you didn't notice.
EXT. THE LONG ROAD HOME
JUDE LAW encounters NATALIE PORTMAN.
Look, it's Natalie Portman! So what are you up to - I mean besides hating the fact that you're in the crappy Star Wars movies.
Oh, just being a strong silent female supporting character. Oh no, yankees are coming!
YANKEES arrive and needlessly treat her baby poorly and try to rape NATALIE.
Wait, the Northerners are villains too? Who am I supposed to dislike here?
Oh, I get it, all men.
EXT. COLD MOUNTAIN
NICOLE and RENEE meet up with RENEE'S FATHER, who is a JERK. He is accompanied by ETHAN SUPLEE and JACK WHITE from THE WHITE STRIPES of all people. The sheriff shows up yet again, however, and destroys more lives.
Isn't it a little forced to introduce us to sympathetic characters just to give you more people to kill?
Don't worry, I'm out of male characters now, except for Jude Law.
JUDE LAW shows up.
You're back! Thank you for almost certainly killing yourself, but I don't actually need you anymore - I have become a powerful self sufficient woman.
We can still have sex though, right?
Oh, yeah, of course.
They DO. Then JUDE fights the EVIL SHERIFF and his WACKY HENCHMEN. Everyone DIES. NICOLE is SAD, but she lives on because she is STRONG.
Wait a minute. All of the men are either evil or dead. All of the women either became stronger or died. All of the main protagonists were women, and they became like sisters...
Shit! This was a chick flick! It started with war, this was a trick! Dammit!