"Tell me again I should do Bridget Jones 3. Tell me again, bitch, I dare you."


"Tell me again I should do Bridget Jones 3. Tell me again, bitch, I dare you."

COLD MOUNTAIN

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. TRENCH

JUDE LAW and VARIOUS SOLDIERS are in a trench. Stuff EXPLODES and fighting breaks out. People DIE, but JUDE LAW doesn't.

EXT. COLD MOUNTAIN - YEARS EARLIER

NICOLE KIDMAN arrives in COLD MOUNTAIN. She meets JUDE LAW.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Hello Jude Law. I don't particularly have feelings for you one way or another.

JUDE LAW

I love you, despite our total lack of chemistry.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Oh, right, me too.

JUDE LAW

Too bad I'm going to war tomorrow.

NICOLE KIDMAN

What the fuck?

He LEAVES, but NICOLE promises to wait for him, despite barely knowing him at all. She gives him pictures and a book. Eventually, he gets injured. Then he becomes okay again. Meanwhile, back at the farm..

DONALD SUTHERLAND

I am likeable and nonthreatening, so I must die.

(Dies. Tragically.)

NICOLE KIDMAN

I am completely alone now and incapable of basic tasks. I must write to Jude Law and ask that he skip out on the war, under penalty of certain death.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

I am here to help you cope, using my common sense, my farming skills, and my ridiculous accent. Let us join together.

KATHY BAKER

Don't forget about me, I love you both too.

AUDIENCE

Wait... that looks like sisterhood...

Before the audience can think any longer, we cut to:

EXT. BATTLEFIELD

JUDE LAW abandons the army to come home. He begins his long voyage home, where he will meet many interesting characters and have wild adventures.

PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

Greetings Jude Law! I'm a priest who is terribly horny, isn't that ironic?

JUDE LAW

It sure is, you zany character! Come with me, on my quest to get home without being caught by those nasty southerners!

JUDE AND PHILLIP

(singing)

We're off to see the Kidman, the wonderful Kidman of Australia!

They travel onward and eventually meet JENA MALONE.

JUDE LAW

Gosh, what's wrong Jena Malone?

JENA MALONE

I'm sad, for you see, I have always wanted an important role, but I don't have one in this movie.

JUDE LAW

Well come with us, Jena! We're off to see the Kidman!

They continue on. JENA is shot and killed by EVIL SOUTHERNERS. Then PHILIP is.

EXT. COLD MOUNTAIN

NICOLE and RENEE have improved the farm a great deal, and bonded significantly. Meanwhile, the EVIL SHERIFF visits KATHY BAKER'S FARM. He finds out that they are sympathizers with army deserters, so he murders her family because he is a COMPLETE MOTHER FUCKER.

EVIL SHERIFF

Arr, I'm despicable! This sort of behavior awaits Jude once he gets back, in case you didn't notice.

EXT. THE LONG ROAD HOME

JUDE LAW encounters NATALIE PORTMAN.

JUDE LAW

Look, it's Natalie Portman! So what are you up to - I mean besides hating the fact that you're in the crappy Star Wars movies.

NATALIE PORTMAN

Oh, just being a strong silent female supporting character. Oh no, yankees are coming!

YANKEES arrive and needlessly treat her baby poorly and try to rape NATALIE.

AUDIENCE

Wait, the Northerners are villains too? Who am I supposed to dislike here?

(pause)

Oh, I get it, all men.

EXT. COLD MOUNTAIN

NICOLE and RENEE meet up with RENEE'S FATHER, who is a JERK. He is accompanied by ETHAN SUPLEE and JACK WHITE from THE WHITE STRIPES of all people. The sheriff shows up yet again, however, and destroys more lives.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Isn't it a little forced to introduce us to sympathetic characters just to give you more people to kill?

EVIL SHERIFF

Don't worry, I'm out of male characters now, except for Jude Law.

JUDE LAW shows up.

NICOLE KIDMAN

You're back! Thank you for almost certainly killing yourself, but I don't actually need you anymore - I have become a powerful self sufficient woman.

JUDE LAW

We can still have sex though, right?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Oh, yeah, of course.

They DO. Then JUDE fights the EVIL SHERIFF and his WACKY HENCHMEN. Everyone DIES. NICOLE is SAD, but she lives on because she is STRONG.

AUDIENCE

Wait a minute. All of the men are either evil or dead. All of the women either became stronger or died. All of the main protagonists were women, and they became like sisters...

(pause)

Shit! This was a chick flick! It started with war, this was a trick! Dammit!

END

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