Cloverfield: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 14th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
Worst amateur porn ever.
GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT #SUK-87127-785
SCRIPT FRAGMENTS RETRIEVED FROM COCKTAIL NAPKINS AT SITE “US-447″
AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS “4PLAY GENTLEMEN’S CLUB”
FADE IN:
INT. APARTMENT - NEW YORK
A group of WEALTHY DOUCHEBAGS gather for a party while listening to SHITTY MUSIC. MIKE VOGEL approaches T.J. MILLER.
MIKE VOGEL
Hey, I need you to take this video camera and film everyone here and anything else that happens tonight.
T.J. MILLER
Because you need me to record goodbye messages for our friend, Michael Stahl-David?
MIKE VOGEL
No, because it will be used as an obnoxious gimmick that will distract everyone from realizing our movie has no plot whatsoever.
T.J. takes the camera and films the exact people who will wind up in a group later on, conveniently. MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID enters.
DOUCHEBAGS
SURPRISE! Congratulations on getting into a real movie despite having a frat boy beard!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Holy shit, my apartment is full of extremely low-paid film extras.
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
Hey! Say something sarcastic into the camera so that everyone in the audience knows how totally like them you are.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Is that my extremely high definition camcorder? Dammit, I had a tape in there of me and Odette Yustman on an awkward next-day date after a one-night-stand.
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
Don’t worry, dude. Whenever I turn the camera off I make sure to fast-forward for a second just to keep snippets of your date interspersed. Check it out.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - NEW YORK
MICHAEL and ODETTE YUSTMAN desperately reach for topics of conversation while avoiding EYE CONTACT.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
So how are you enjoying Coney Island so far?
ODETTE YUSTMAN
It’s great! I’m having such a good time! It would be a real shame if our city were to be attacked by a gigantic monster!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
I know right! How totally tragic that would be, for reals!
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
See? No problem.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
That reminds me, I need to go talk to Odette. I haven’t spoken to her since we had sex.
T.J. MILLER (O.S.)
What is this shit, Laguna Beach?
MICHAEL fights with ODETTE YUSTMAN in order to create DRAMATIC TENSION.
Suddenly, there is a LARGE EXPLOSION outside. Everyone runs out to see what it is, and the HEAD FROM A STATUE OF LIBERTY ABOUT 3 TIMES LARGER THAN THE ACTUAL STATUE OF LIBERTY rolls down the street.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Holy shit. We should take shelter underground somewhere!
MIKE VOGEL
No, that would make too much sense. We should wander the streets!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
You’re right! Let’s take the bridge, the most vulnerable possible place we could go!
MIKE VOGEL
And we should make sure to take the bridge closest to the deadly explosions!
MICHAEL, MIKE, MIKE’s fiancee JESSICA LUCAS, and completely random cast member LIZZY CAPLAN all cross the BROOKLYN BRIDGE. Suddenly, MICHAEL gets a phone call from ODETTE YUSTMAN.
ODETTE YUSTMAN
(on phone)
Michael! I’m trapped in my apartment and for some reason decided not to call 9-1-1, my family, people in my building, or even the guy I brought to your party!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Shit! I must heroically go rescue Odette!
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
And I must document it, rather than, say, get the fuck out of here.
JESSICA LUCAS
And Lizzy and I will go too, since we have speaking parts in this movie.
Just after MICHAEL decides to turn back, the BRIDGE collapses and MIKE VOGEL DIES.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
No! My brother!
(pause)
Alright, shall we keep going?
JESSICA LUCAS
I see no reason for the tragic loss of my fiancee to convince me not to be part of your idiotic suicide mission to rescue some random girl that let you fuck her, almost certainly out of pity.
A MONSTER attacks some buildings, and the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING collapses in on itself, releasing a huge plume of smoke that funnels down the street towards the camera.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Oh my God, this is just like 9/11! So much so that the allusion is excessive and in extremely poor taste!
RANDOM JACKASS
Cloverfield was an inside job! Wake up sheeple!
MICHAEL, JESSICA, LIZZY, and T.J. go underground and walk the subway tracks. While walking, they are attacked by LITTLE CRITTERS THAT SOUND LIKE DONALD DUCK WHEN HE GETS PISSED OFF.
LIZZY CAPLAN
Holy shit, zerglings!
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
I’ll heroically help you fight them off while unheroically refusing to free up a second arm by letting go of the fucking camera!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Now the critters are attacking you! You’re actually trying to fight them off while holding the camera! What in the shitting fuck is wrong with you?
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
(kicking ineffectively)
This is important! I have to document everything! If I upload this to Break.com, I might get four-hundred bucks!
JESSICA LUCAS
If the excuse for this movie’s shaky premise is going to be that you feel a duty to document what’s happening, why won’t you hold the camera steady on the monster for more than half a second?
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
I’ve seen the thing. It looks like an even more poorly rendered version of that green crab thing Obi-Wan fights in Attack of the Clones. Trust me, it’s better to keep the camera off it.
They escape the CRITTERS but then LIZZY’s head EXPLODES.
JESSICA LUCAS
Oh my god! The critter bite caused her head to explode?!
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
Nah, she just watched part of this movie and got so nauseous that she literally puked her head off.
They make their way to ODETTE’S APARTMENT and find her on the ground with a STEEL ROD poking through her abdomen. They pull it out and, within moments, ODETTE is able to walk and run normally.
ODETTE YUSTMAN
Thanks for rescuing me, Michael! I feel no guilt whatsoever over the fact that your brother and a friend died going along with you.
They all pile into a HELICOPTER, which CRASHES. Nearly EVERYONE survives somehow. Shortly afterwards, everyone DIES ANYWAY.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. CONEY ISLAND
MICHAEL and ODETTE continue their cheapass date.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
The battery is about to die, do you have anything else you want to say?
ODETTE YUSTMAN
Yeah. How the fuck did you manage to fill 90 minutes of tape at Coney Island?
END
You know, I thought Sean had the funniest comment so far? Turns out Damon was just waiting in the wings. Yeah, Rod, you’d better watch your ass! Your credibility is at stake! Your… credibility… as a humorist? Fuck, I can’t do this.
@Jesse: Oh, I totally agree. Cloverfield was better for the lack of explanation. I actually liked the film quite well.
(and thus, two people on TER saw eye-to-eye, and yea, the world did implode)
One last thing… Dark. Knight. F. T. Fucking. W.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:48 amRod,
I commend you once again for your work on this abridged script. I don’t know why but for some reason I found the:
“Holy shit, my apartment is full of extremely low-paid film extras.” line hysterical. I also like how you touched on the incredible recuperative powers of Odette Yustman after winding up impaled in her own apartment. A part of me hoped that just as they finished pulling her off the huge piece of cable, the Kurgan would come barging through her apartment door blaring “there can be only one!” with swordplay ensuing soon after. However, I guess that was just too much to ask for.
As for other people’s disappointment with the lack of completeness to the story, I did find it interesting that per the IMDB:
Right before the credits, in the last Coney Island scene, as the camera looks out at the ocean, you can see a large but far away object fall into the ocean and make a splash.
Subtle……..yes, but interesting nevertheless.
By the way, is it me or was the entire film like 45 minutes long from beginning to end? Had I seen it in the theater I think I would have been pissed.
All in all a great job Rod. Any chance we can get you to do an abridged script of a classic film?
July 18th, 2008 at 10:19 amWay to go rod, awesome script as always. LMAO!!! @Matt for the highlander reference, that was great, and Batman was off the fucking chain!!!!! Can’t wait for the Hancock script.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:08 amI also loved the picture caption, all of those are hilarious!
July 18th, 2008 at 11:25 amWoops meant LMAO @Newguy
July 18th, 2008 at 11:25 am@Damon
“Sorry Rod, you stopped being funny when you failed to appropriately represent the 9/11 truth movement, which by now is so large and widely accepted that you like a complete idiot.
Next time keep your drunken political leanings/rants out of your scripts. One misplaced comment or jab is enough for you to lose your credibility. You are warned.”
hahahaahahahahahahahaahahahahaahahahaha this has to be a joke.
if it’s not, let me add that the movement’s widely accepted only by idiots and clueless people, and it’s got a huge following because of idiots and clueless people. plus i really don’t think rod, or most anyone, gives a shit about losing credibility with a movement that never had any in the first place.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:42 pmKill you? KILL YOU? What would I do without you?
You complete me.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:17 pm@ Jesse & Coyote:
I get that due to the POV of the story, the audience is privy to as much information as the camera takes in, and due to that I understand that they probably won’t be in the military command bunker taking in all the facts. I see what J.J.A was trying to do here, that doesn’t mean I have to like it though. :p
I suppose that it’s just my personal taste in movies and stories is that I like to know what’s going on. I generally hate having loose ends running around because it takes away my immersion in the movie. Which is funny because ‘immersion’ in this sense would be the entire POINT of the way the movie was filmed. But immersion to me is being given enough information about the world and situation, or having enough info on the characters that I can be genuinely convinced that these worlds/scenarios/people exist. Without those explanations and with such little details about the character’s lives (examples: Main character’s ‘depth’: Going on a trip. Likes a girl. The end. Cameraman’s ‘depth’: Sarcastic. Friend. The End.) I just don’t feel drawn into the world or really give two shits about anyone’s tragic death. As such, I’m left scrambling for reasons to be compelled, and without them I just can’t like the movie.
I don’t know that’s just me though. My friend and I have a problem with movies and not many people enjoy watching them with us. We “over-analyze”, critic, and dissect movies too much, whereas everyone else has this uncanny ability to just turn their brain off and be entertained for 2 hours. I just can’t do that… :(
July 18th, 2008 at 9:21 pm@Matt: Haha! People getting along on the internet? No way!
@pathrifter: I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m about that with certain movies, but cloverfield just wasn’t one of them. I completely agree about the depth of the characters, though: especially the cameraman. I mean, I enjoyed it, but certainly no major connections to the characters.
July 18th, 2008 at 10:36 pmHey Rod
Long time reader, First time writer.
I think one of the main reasons this movie sucked is the the kids were the dumbest kids i have ever seen in a thriller. there this one instance the u probably noticed but chose not to write about that particulartly stands out. that would be this.
ok, the kids just saw on the tvs in the store what looked like dog sized quick-moving things that kill people. so obviously the best thing to do would be lock yourself up in a underground, poorly lit, expansive system that connects the whole area that the moster is attacking (and shedding those little quick shits), and then go exploring in the tunnels themselves!! seriously, its a wonder they survived in the subway system as long as they did. and it takes a really special kind of mind to hold onto the video camera that long.
anyways, i just wanted to point that one out. cya.
July 19th, 2008 at 7:48 am