Cloverfield: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 14th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
Worst amateur porn ever.
GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT #SUK-87127-785
SCRIPT FRAGMENTS RETRIEVED FROM COCKTAIL NAPKINS AT SITE “US-447″
AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS “4PLAY GENTLEMEN’S CLUB”
FADE IN:
INT. APARTMENT - NEW YORK
A group of WEALTHY DOUCHEBAGS gather for a party while listening to SHITTY MUSIC. MIKE VOGEL approaches T.J. MILLER.
MIKE VOGEL
Hey, I need you to take this video camera and film everyone here and anything else that happens tonight.
T.J. MILLER
Because you need me to record goodbye messages for our friend, Michael Stahl-David?
MIKE VOGEL
No, because it will be used as an obnoxious gimmick that will distract everyone from realizing our movie has no plot whatsoever.
T.J. takes the camera and films the exact people who will wind up in a group later on, conveniently. MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID enters.
DOUCHEBAGS
SURPRISE! Congratulations on getting into a real movie despite having a frat boy beard!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Holy shit, my apartment is full of extremely low-paid film extras.
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
Hey! Say something sarcastic into the camera so that everyone in the audience knows how totally like them you are.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Is that my extremely high definition camcorder? Dammit, I had a tape in there of me and Odette Yustman on an awkward next-day date after a one-night-stand.
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
Don’t worry, dude. Whenever I turn the camera off I make sure to fast-forward for a second just to keep snippets of your date interspersed. Check it out.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - NEW YORK
MICHAEL and ODETTE YUSTMAN desperately reach for topics of conversation while avoiding EYE CONTACT.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
So how are you enjoying Coney Island so far?
ODETTE YUSTMAN
It’s great! I’m having such a good time! It would be a real shame if our city were to be attacked by a gigantic monster!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
I know right! How totally tragic that would be, for reals!
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
See? No problem.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
That reminds me, I need to go talk to Odette. I haven’t spoken to her since we had sex.
T.J. MILLER (O.S.)
What is this shit, Laguna Beach?
MICHAEL fights with ODETTE YUSTMAN in order to create DRAMATIC TENSION.
Suddenly, there is a LARGE EXPLOSION outside. Everyone runs out to see what it is, and the HEAD FROM A STATUE OF LIBERTY ABOUT 3 TIMES LARGER THAN THE ACTUAL STATUE OF LIBERTY rolls down the street.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Holy shit. We should take shelter underground somewhere!
MIKE VOGEL
No, that would make too much sense. We should wander the streets!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
You’re right! Let’s take the bridge, the most vulnerable possible place we could go!
MIKE VOGEL
And we should make sure to take the bridge closest to the deadly explosions!
MICHAEL, MIKE, MIKE’s fiancee JESSICA LUCAS, and completely random cast member LIZZY CAPLAN all cross the BROOKLYN BRIDGE. Suddenly, MICHAEL gets a phone call from ODETTE YUSTMAN.
ODETTE YUSTMAN
(on phone)
Michael! I’m trapped in my apartment and for some reason decided not to call 9-1-1, my family, people in my building, or even the guy I brought to your party!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Shit! I must heroically go rescue Odette!
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
And I must document it, rather than, say, get the fuck out of here.
JESSICA LUCAS
And Lizzy and I will go too, since we have speaking parts in this movie.
Just after MICHAEL decides to turn back, the BRIDGE collapses and MIKE VOGEL DIES.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
No! My brother!
(pause)
Alright, shall we keep going?
JESSICA LUCAS
I see no reason for the tragic loss of my fiancee to convince me not to be part of your idiotic suicide mission to rescue some random girl that let you fuck her, almost certainly out of pity.
A MONSTER attacks some buildings, and the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING collapses in on itself, releasing a huge plume of smoke that funnels down the street towards the camera.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Oh my God, this is just like 9/11! So much so that the allusion is excessive and in extremely poor taste!
RANDOM JACKASS
Cloverfield was an inside job! Wake up sheeple!
MICHAEL, JESSICA, LIZZY, and T.J. go underground and walk the subway tracks. While walking, they are attacked by LITTLE CRITTERS THAT SOUND LIKE DONALD DUCK WHEN HE GETS PISSED OFF.
LIZZY CAPLAN
Holy shit, zerglings!
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
I’ll heroically help you fight them off while unheroically refusing to free up a second arm by letting go of the fucking camera!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Now the critters are attacking you! You’re actually trying to fight them off while holding the camera! What in the shitting fuck is wrong with you?
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
(kicking ineffectively)
This is important! I have to document everything! If I upload this to Break.com, I might get four-hundred bucks!
JESSICA LUCAS
If the excuse for this movie’s shaky premise is going to be that you feel a duty to document what’s happening, why won’t you hold the camera steady on the monster for more than half a second?
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
I’ve seen the thing. It looks like an even more poorly rendered version of that green crab thing Obi-Wan fights in Attack of the Clones. Trust me, it’s better to keep the camera off it.
They escape the CRITTERS but then LIZZY’s head EXPLODES.
JESSICA LUCAS
Oh my god! The critter bite caused her head to explode?!
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
Nah, she just watched part of this movie and got so nauseous that she literally puked her head off.
They make their way to ODETTE’S APARTMENT and find her on the ground with a STEEL ROD poking through her abdomen. They pull it out and, within moments, ODETTE is able to walk and run normally.
ODETTE YUSTMAN
Thanks for rescuing me, Michael! I feel no guilt whatsoever over the fact that your brother and a friend died going along with you.
They all pile into a HELICOPTER, which CRASHES. Nearly EVERYONE survives somehow. Shortly afterwards, everyone DIES ANYWAY.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. CONEY ISLAND
MICHAEL and ODETTE continue their cheapass date.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
The battery is about to die, do you have anything else you want to say?
ODETTE YUSTMAN
Yeah. How the fuck did you manage to fill 90 minutes of tape at Coney Island?
END
“Oh my God, this is just like 9/11! So much so that the allusion is excessive and in extremely poor taste!”
Uh… I think what the filmmakers were going for is using 9/11 to paint a more realistic picture of a disaster. Since now we all know what it looks like when a large building collapses, that’s what they show in the movie. I mean, do you think it’s always in bad taste every time somebody uses footage of a mushroom cloud?
July 14th, 2008 at 8:08 pmPersonally I would’ve put: While walking, they are attacked by SOME ALIENS FROM THE VIDEO GAME HALF-LIFE 2
I completely agreed with you on how they decide not to go underground until they barely escape the jaws of death.
July 14th, 2008 at 9:09 pmDon’t worry, Keith. I and the friends I saw the movie with liked it too. However, we all agreed it’s a one time only movie.
July 14th, 2008 at 11:26 pmUnless you want to watch that almost upskirt Lily has while climbing on the roof. Almost.
Yeah, I liked it too. I didn’t think it was any more unrealistic than any other random monster movie. The thing that annoyed me most was the shaky camera. It was okay once you were used to it, but when the movie started it made me feel really nauseous.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:48 amGreat script, you could’ve done more with it but the film was actually surprisingly good for a monster movie.
July 15th, 2008 at 6:52 amNice but you missed some points. Why is everybody telling secerts with the camera on? Why can the guy complete a phone call from inside a subway platform? And if that’s not amazing enough, while a major disaster is going down. Try calling on New Year’s Eve (This is nitpicking but the subway platform is also waaaaay too short). The military is totally cool with them videotaping their mash unit despite the fact that the tape is classified. Not only do the gang survive the chopper crash, but only one can’t walk away. And the others are strong enough to drag him away. Including the girl who had a lance in her shoulder hours ago.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:44 amI didn’t like this movie.
Haha, “Cloverfailed.”
July 15th, 2008 at 12:49 pmI love how some people are always taking these scripts to heart and completely miss the idea of COMEDIC WRITING. You can spot these geniuses by comments such as, “Wow I sure am glad I didn’t waste the precious 90 minutes it would have taken to formulate my own opinion.” (Not exact quote, written for comedic effect.)
“While walking, they are attacked by LITTLE CRITTERS THAT SOUND LIKE DONALD DUCK WHEN HE GETS PISSED OFF.”
That was great, but now I won’t be able to stop myself from thinking that next time I see the movie. Damn you, Rod Hilton! You ruined Cloverfield for me forever!
July 15th, 2008 at 4:07 pmYes, comment number 11 is the best. I liked this movie, and everything you pointed out I had to will myself to ignore when watching it, especially the second time. And, yeah, the army dudes wouldn’t really let them film that crap…
July 15th, 2008 at 5:12 pm“Now the critters are attacking you! You’re actually trying to fight them off while holding the camera! What in the shitting fuck is wrong with you?”
Jesus Christ, this one hit me hard. I was laughing for 30 seconds straight.
Decent parody of a great movie (well… it loses its luster after another viewing, I’ve heard, so it’s a one-time-only unless I can finagle a Blu-Ray player.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:35 pm