Cloverfield: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 14th, 2008 | Movie Rating: 
Worst amateur porn ever.
GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT #SUK-87127-785
SCRIPT FRAGMENTS RETRIEVED FROM COCKTAIL NAPKINS AT SITE “US-447″
AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS “4PLAY GENTLEMEN’S CLUB”
FADE IN:
INT. APARTMENT - NEW YORK
A group of WEALTHY DOUCHEBAGS gather for a party while listening to SHITTY MUSIC. MIKE VOGEL approaches T.J. MILLER.
MIKE VOGEL
Hey, I need you to take this video camera and film everyone here and anything else that happens tonight.
T.J. MILLER
Because you need me to record goodbye messages for our friend, Michael Stahl-David?
MIKE VOGEL
No, because it will be used as an obnoxious gimmick that will distract everyone from realizing our movie has no plot whatsoever.
T.J. takes the camera and films the exact people who will wind up in a group later on, conveniently. MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID enters.
DOUCHEBAGS
SURPRISE! Congratulations on getting into a real movie despite having a frat boy beard!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Holy shit, my apartment is full of extremely low-paid film extras.
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
Hey! Say something sarcastic into the camera so that everyone in the audience knows how totally like them you are.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Is that my extremely high definition camcorder? Dammit, I had a tape in there of me and Odette Yustman on an awkward next-day date after a one-night-stand.
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
Don’t worry, dude. Whenever I turn the camera off I make sure to fast-forward for a second just to keep snippets of your date interspersed. Check it out.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - NEW YORK
MICHAEL and ODETTE YUSTMAN desperately reach for topics of conversation while avoiding EYE CONTACT.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
So how are you enjoying Coney Island so far?
ODETTE YUSTMAN
It’s great! I’m having such a good time! It would be a real shame if our city were to be attacked by a gigantic monster!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
I know right! How totally tragic that would be, for reals!
FLASH CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
See? No problem.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
That reminds me, I need to go talk to Odette. I haven’t spoken to her since we had sex.
T.J. MILLER (O.S.)
What is this shit, Laguna Beach?
MICHAEL fights with ODETTE YUSTMAN in order to create DRAMATIC TENSION.
Suddenly, there is a LARGE EXPLOSION outside. Everyone runs out to see what it is, and the HEAD FROM A STATUE OF LIBERTY ABOUT 3 TIMES LARGER THAN THE ACTUAL STATUE OF LIBERTY rolls down the street.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Holy shit. We should take shelter underground somewhere!
MIKE VOGEL
No, that would make too much sense. We should wander the streets!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
You’re right! Let’s take the bridge, the most vulnerable possible place we could go!
MIKE VOGEL
And we should make sure to take the bridge closest to the deadly explosions!
MICHAEL, MIKE, MIKE’s fiancee JESSICA LUCAS, and completely random cast member LIZZY CAPLAN all cross the BROOKLYN BRIDGE. Suddenly, MICHAEL gets a phone call from ODETTE YUSTMAN.
ODETTE YUSTMAN
(on phone)
Michael! I’m trapped in my apartment and for some reason decided not to call 9-1-1, my family, people in my building, or even the guy I brought to your party!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Shit! I must heroically go rescue Odette!
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
And I must document it, rather than, say, get the fuck out of here.
JESSICA LUCAS
And Lizzy and I will go too, since we have speaking parts in this movie.
Just after MICHAEL decides to turn back, the BRIDGE collapses and MIKE VOGEL DIES.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
No! My brother!
(pause)
Alright, shall we keep going?
JESSICA LUCAS
I see no reason for the tragic loss of my fiancee to convince me not to be part of your idiotic suicide mission to rescue some random girl that let you fuck her, almost certainly out of pity.
A MONSTER attacks some buildings, and the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING collapses in on itself, releasing a huge plume of smoke that funnels down the street towards the camera.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Oh my God, this is just like 9/11! So much so that the allusion is excessive and in extremely poor taste!
RANDOM JACKASS
Cloverfield was an inside job! Wake up sheeple!
MICHAEL, JESSICA, LIZZY, and T.J. go underground and walk the subway tracks. While walking, they are attacked by LITTLE CRITTERS THAT SOUND LIKE DONALD DUCK WHEN HE GETS PISSED OFF.
LIZZY CAPLAN
Holy shit, zerglings!
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
I’ll heroically help you fight them off while unheroically refusing to free up a second arm by letting go of the fucking camera!
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
Now the critters are attacking you! You’re actually trying to fight them off while holding the camera! What in the shitting fuck is wrong with you?
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
(kicking ineffectively)
This is important! I have to document everything! If I upload this to Break.com, I might get four-hundred bucks!
JESSICA LUCAS
If the excuse for this movie’s shaky premise is going to be that you feel a duty to document what’s happening, why won’t you hold the camera steady on the monster for more than half a second?
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
I’ve seen the thing. It looks like an even more poorly rendered version of that green crab thing Obi-Wan fights in Attack of the Clones. Trust me, it’s better to keep the camera off it.
They escape the CRITTERS but then LIZZY’s head EXPLODES.
JESSICA LUCAS
Oh my god! The critter bite caused her head to explode?!
T.J. MILLER (O.C.)
Nah, she just watched part of this movie and got so nauseous that she literally puked her head off.
They make their way to ODETTE’S APARTMENT and find her on the ground with a STEEL ROD poking through her abdomen. They pull it out and, within moments, ODETTE is able to walk and run normally.
ODETTE YUSTMAN
Thanks for rescuing me, Michael! I feel no guilt whatsoever over the fact that your brother and a friend died going along with you.
They all pile into a HELICOPTER, which CRASHES. Nearly EVERYONE survives somehow. Shortly afterwards, everyone DIES ANYWAY.
FLASH CUT TO:
EXT. CONEY ISLAND
MICHAEL and ODETTE continue their cheapass date.
MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID
The battery is about to die, do you have anything else you want to say?
ODETTE YUSTMAN
Yeah. How the fuck did you manage to fill 90 minutes of tape at Coney Island?
END
i didn’t even bother to wacth this movie for free online
July 14th, 2008 at 7:40 amBut, but… it’s from J.J. Abrams…
Kidding. Loved your post. I actually laughed out loud.
July 14th, 2008 at 8:01 amAwesome as usual! I can’t wait for Hancock! Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ’bout!
July 14th, 2008 at 8:49 amBest LOL moment: “You’re actually trying to fight them off while holding the camera! What in the shitting fuck is wrong with you?”
Hahaha!
July 14th, 2008 at 8:49 am“You’re right! Let’s take the bridge, the most vulnerable possible place we could go!”
Hehe, so true. Another great work.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:21 amGreat script. I loved how you mentioned the main character’s rapid moving on from his brother’s death.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:24 am“This is important! I have to document everything! If I upload this to Break.com, I might get four-hundred bucks!”
Haha, good one. Well done Rod.
July 14th, 2008 at 10:50 am“Holy shit, zerglings!” That is totally what I thought when I saw them too!
July 14th, 2008 at 11:13 am“JESSICA LUCAS
I see no reason for the tragic loss of my fiancee to convince me not to be part of your idiotic suicide mission to rescue some random girl that let you fuck her, almost certainly out of pity.”
Brilliant. I’m glad I never went to see this thing.
July 14th, 2008 at 12:00 pmHaha, Donald Duck! But it’s as if they know how to deal with deaths or something. And I also like the fact that they casted the ugliest one to film everything so we wouldn’t have to see his face.
July 14th, 2008 at 12:03 pmCool script. You should do Cloverfield next.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:05 pmLOLOMGWTFBBQ AT COMMENT 11. IS HE SEARIOUS????
Good script, although it was brief. But then, thinking back, it seemed like the majority of the movie’s script had to be only in the beginning and the rest kinda just happened.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:17 pmNice Starcraft reference. Also, you gave the movie 3 & 1/2 stars so you obviously thought it was at least half-decent.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:47 pmSean C gets the funny prize. Great script, Rod.
July 14th, 2008 at 2:57 pmGreat script, but the only problem is this:
“the HEAD FROM A STATUE OF LIBERTY ABOUT 3 TIMES LARGER THAN THE ACTUAL STATUE OF LIBERTY rolls down the street.”
au contraire, the head is too small if anything, and moviemistakes.com has this to say (from corrections page):
“Entry: The Statue of Liberty’s decapitated head is way too small to be accurate. Wikipedia lists the ear to ear width to be ten feet but it is just a little bigger than the compact cars on the street.
July 14th, 2008 at 5:32 pmCorrection:According the the FAQ on IMDb, the head shown is not unrealistic; it states “The head could easily fit on a city street, even on its side. The whole statue is only 151 feet high. The pedestal adds another 154 feet.” It also adds further information relating to why the size of the head could be misconceived as being too small: “The makers of the film cited Escape from New York’s poster as the inspiration for the Statue head scene in Cloverfield. However, that film’s poster depicts the head as unrealistically large, which might account for the misconception that the head in Cloverfield is too small.”
You made it through the whole parody without a single Blair Witch reference! I wish the reviewers could have tried that.
July 14th, 2008 at 5:50 pm(PS: I’m the only one I know who liked Cloverfield. Is there a support group?)
Do Love Guru next.
July 14th, 2008 at 6:57 pm“Oh my God, this is just like 9/11! So much so that the allusion is excessive and in extremely poor taste!”
Uh… I think what the filmmakers were going for is using 9/11 to paint a more realistic picture of a disaster. Since now we all know what it looks like when a large building collapses, that’s what they show in the movie. I mean, do you think it’s always in bad taste every time somebody uses footage of a mushroom cloud?
July 14th, 2008 at 8:08 pmPersonally I would’ve put: While walking, they are attacked by SOME ALIENS FROM THE VIDEO GAME HALF-LIFE 2
I completely agreed with you on how they decide not to go underground until they barely escape the jaws of death.
July 14th, 2008 at 9:09 pmDon’t worry, Keith. I and the friends I saw the movie with liked it too. However, we all agreed it’s a one time only movie.
July 14th, 2008 at 11:26 pmUnless you want to watch that almost upskirt Lily has while climbing on the roof. Almost.
Yeah, I liked it too. I didn’t think it was any more unrealistic than any other random monster movie. The thing that annoyed me most was the shaky camera. It was okay once you were used to it, but when the movie started it made me feel really nauseous.
July 15th, 2008 at 5:48 amGreat script, you could’ve done more with it but the film was actually surprisingly good for a monster movie.
July 15th, 2008 at 6:52 amNice but you missed some points. Why is everybody telling secerts with the camera on? Why can the guy complete a phone call from inside a subway platform? And if that’s not amazing enough, while a major disaster is going down. Try calling on New Year’s Eve (This is nitpicking but the subway platform is also waaaaay too short). The military is totally cool with them videotaping their mash unit despite the fact that the tape is classified. Not only do the gang survive the chopper crash, but only one can’t walk away. And the others are strong enough to drag him away. Including the girl who had a lance in her shoulder hours ago.
July 15th, 2008 at 8:44 amI didn’t like this movie.
Haha, “Cloverfailed.”
July 15th, 2008 at 12:49 pmI love how some people are always taking these scripts to heart and completely miss the idea of COMEDIC WRITING. You can spot these geniuses by comments such as, “Wow I sure am glad I didn’t waste the precious 90 minutes it would have taken to formulate my own opinion.” (Not exact quote, written for comedic effect.)
“While walking, they are attacked by LITTLE CRITTERS THAT SOUND LIKE DONALD DUCK WHEN HE GETS PISSED OFF.”
That was great, but now I won’t be able to stop myself from thinking that next time I see the movie. Damn you, Rod Hilton! You ruined Cloverfield for me forever!
July 15th, 2008 at 4:07 pmYes, comment number 11 is the best. I liked this movie, and everything you pointed out I had to will myself to ignore when watching it, especially the second time. And, yeah, the army dudes wouldn’t really let them film that crap…
July 15th, 2008 at 5:12 pm“Now the critters are attacking you! You’re actually trying to fight them off while holding the camera! What in the shitting fuck is wrong with you?”
Jesus Christ, this one hit me hard. I was laughing for 30 seconds straight.
Decent parody of a great movie (well… it loses its luster after another viewing, I’ve heard, so it’s a one-time-only unless I can finagle a Blu-Ray player.
July 15th, 2008 at 7:35 pmExcellent review, I had been waiting for this one for a while. You hit on pretty much everything I hated about the movie aside from a few major issues I had.
Although of a few of these can be written off as “Hollywood-isms” that doesn’t make them any less pants-on-head retarded. For instance: can someone please tell me how the monster is somehow immune to THE LAWS OF PHYSICS? Here we have a giant organic monster getting shot with 5.56mm rounds from the Marines’ rifles, 120mm shells from tanks, and 155mm artillery rounds from the Paladin vehicle…and that’s just the stuff he was getting hit with from the GROUND. That doesn’t count the stuff the bombers and planes were dropping. Mark 82s from the bombers, Maverick missiles from the jet planes…I mean come on! That shit is designed to take out tanks…bunker busters that pierce through MOUNTAINS to hit the bases beneath it and this monster just gets right back up after being pelted with this stuff for roughly 5 HOURS STRAIGHT since the military arrived.
My other major complaint was one that I had known was going to be there from the moment I heard this was from J.J Abrams because this is exactly what he does: A complete and total lack of any explanation or reasoning behind any of the events or origins whatsoever. Where’d the monster come from? Why is he there? Why is he invincible? Why do people explode? Storytelling 101…seriously.
I didn’t like the movie at all. >:(
July 15th, 2008 at 9:01 pmI think I would have liked if if I could have kept my eyes on the screen for longer stretches than five minutes without risking puking on the guy in front of me. Shaky-cam is bad enough in small doses but a whole fucking movie is ridiculous. I don’t know if they redefined the giant monster movie or not but I do know that this “Primary Source Film” gimmick needs to die. And it wasn’t even realistic to what a home made film looks like. You know what happen when you point a camera at a tv? It’s not crystal clear pictures of the news coverage.
And no, I didn’t see Blair Witch in theaters, I was like twelve when that came out and my parents were all “No way.”
July 15th, 2008 at 9:39 pm“My other major complaint was one that I had known was going to be there from the moment I heard this was from J.J Abrams because this is exactly what he does: A complete and total lack of any explanation or reasoning behind any of the events or origins whatsoever. Where’d the monster come from? Why is he there? Why is he invincible? Why do people explode? Storytelling 101…seriously.”
The monster came from the ocean. JJ has been quoted saying this. I know, it’s not in the movie, but that’s where. If you followed the viral ad campaign (tagruato, tidowave, jaimeandteddy, etc.) this became apparent, as well. And about the ad campaign: it was actually really good. I couldn’t believe it. My only gripe was that it didn’t tie-in with the movie more.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:04 pm“You’re actually trying to fight them off while holding the camera! What in the shitting fuck is wrong with you?”
I assumed the camera had a strap around it, and the cameraguy had his hand in the strap,and taking it off would mean stopping during the attack. It’s the only way half the movie makes sense, really.
July 15th, 2008 at 11:07 pmI think the reason I was so drawn in by this movie, even on a repeat viewing, was that the early ad campaign was so effectively creepy and full of mystery. It’s fun to look for clues in anything and everything to try to piece together what’s really going on.
But in the end, this movie was never about where the monster came from or how it was defeated by some “heroes”; it’s about how a bunch of random, ordinary people dealt with a city-crushing movie monster attack. It’s a story that follows the doomed civilians for a change. (Although that’s been done in some space-alien invasion movies lately too.)
July 15th, 2008 at 11:38 pm“You’re actually trying to fight them off while holding the camera! What in the shitting fuck is wrong with you?”
Beats watching a movie thats nothng more than 90 minutes of out of focus ground shots.
WAY to many of Rods “jokes” now are just nit picking at stuff that has to happen to make a movie watchable.
What happened to the talent?
July 16th, 2008 at 12:36 am“just nit picking at stuff that has to happen to make a movie watchable”.
Or… justified mockery of the ludicrous extremes a film has to go to to sustain it’s stupidly drawn-out premise?
July 16th, 2008 at 2:52 am“Or… justified mockery of the ludicrous extremes a film has to go to to sustain it’s stupidly drawn-out premise?”
Or the fact certain people can’t get off their high horse and accept this is nothing but an Westernized version of Godzilla which didn’t have a Prince of Arabia-type premise either. Get over yourself. Cloverfield was a monster movie which Rod clearly pointed out but you failing to grasp.
July 16th, 2008 at 4:19 amdid not like this movie, shaky cam needs to go away forever
great script though!
July 16th, 2008 at 8:31 amQuoting Jesse: “If you followed the viral ad campaign (tagruato, tidowave, jaimeandteddy, etc.) this became apparent, as well. And about the ad campaign: it was actually really good. I couldn’t believe it. My only gripe was that it didn’t tie-in with the movie more.”
That’s the thing though, *HOW* many movie goers follow viral marketing campaigns? As you said it wasn’t in the movie, and I have friends who were all way into this movie before it came out who told me this info. However that doesn’t make it *right*. If you’re telling a story through film, then that means that the entirety of your story should be understood in the 2-3 hours you’re there in the movie theatre. Not something like this, as a made-up example:
Me: “I guess the movie was ok, but where did that other character come from in the last ten minutes of the movie. he was never in there!”
Friend: “Oh, you didn’t know? That was the character that the director talked about on an Entertainment Tonight interview. He had a whole backstory that you can read that really explains a lot if you collected enough points from Pepsi bottle caps and redeemed them on the official websites and know the codes that appear in the viral Youtube video series.”
See what happened there? Fail, that’s what happened. That’s like the stupid radio sound clip at the end of the movie that is just gibberish. Except it’s not Gibberish if you
1) Somehow rip the sound file from the movie.
2) have access to a sound mixing software or program
3) mix and manipulate the sound file until you can decode the message.
That. Is. Bullshit.
I don’t go to movies to play detective games, I go to movies to be told a story. And if a director or writer can’t convey the entirety of his story in that 2-3 hour timespan, then he failed.
July 16th, 2008 at 12:30 pm“Holy shit, zerglings!”
XD That was the same thought that went through my head too!
July 16th, 2008 at 12:53 pmI agree that the director failed to tell a complete story, and I also agree this is tipical Abrams behaviour (the reason why my memory doesn’t acnowledge anyhting from Lost after season 2), but I didn’t care much about it here because it was not the focus of the movie to me. The movie focus in a bunch of normal guys trying to survive to an attack of an alien force. It didn’t focus in the people that eventually bring it down or discovered they only weakness, or even survived…
By the end of the movie they knew as little about the monster and the attack as we do, and that is the idea (which you may think it sucked, fair enough… but that is not the point)
Also, Pathrifter, that idea that the movie sucked because the monster survived the military retaliation is crap. Just because is organic have to be as vulnerable as us to firepower? Even if it is the size of a skyscraper? How thick and dense would you think its skin could be? That’s like being surprised if you stand after I punch you in the face because “that is impossible, I could pierce through an entire anthill, and crush roaches like they were nothing, and you are both organic.” Besides, the idea of a creature that is completely impervious to anything mankind can summon is as old as the genre, so, by the time they used the big bombs, I was sure it was still alive.
July 16th, 2008 at 1:00 pmMore on the Statue of Liberty Head that I found on IMDb:
Q: Is the Statue of Liberty’s head too small?
A: No. The movie shows us the actual proportions of the Statue of Liberty. These dimensions are taken from the National Park Service: Head from chin to cranium - 17 feet, 3 inches (5.26 metres); Head thickness from ear to ear - 10 feet, 0 inches (3.05 metres). The head could easily fit on a city street, even on its side. The whole statue is only 151 feet (46.02 metres) high. The pedestal adds another 154 feet (46.94 metres). The makers of the film cited Escape from New York’s poster as the inspiration for the Statue head scene in Cloverfield. However, that film’s poster depicts the head as unrealistically large, which might account for the misconception that the head in Cloverfield is too small.
Recently, there have been claims that the head is too big. Supposedly, the creators received many complaints of the head looking too small in the teaser trailer, so they increased the head’s size by 50% for the movie. If you compare the head in the teaser trailer with the head in the theatrical trailer, it appears larger in the latter.
So you may be right about the size, but conflicting theories still are going around. From the dimensions above, the head looks about right to me.
July 16th, 2008 at 4:41 pmCloverfield was an inside job!!
Best line of the script.
July 16th, 2008 at 7:21 pm“Me” says: “What happened to the talent?”
I say: Start your own fucking website and try to pump out parody scripts on a regular damn basis in an attempt to please a bunch of complete strangers to whom you don’t owe anything, are just trying to make laugh, and then have to see a whiny complaint from someone who hasn’t contributed to trying to just help people get through the day with a smile on their face.
Fuck, man!
July 16th, 2008 at 10:10 pm@pathrifter: You can’t go to a JJ Abrams movie and think that you’re going to get all the answers: just look at LOST. And as Coyote and others have said beforehand, that wasn’t the focus. I’m not saying that I think this particular style writing and directing is better or worse, just different. And I have to say, it’s nice to have something different every once and awhile.
I guess that what I’m trying to say is that not getting all the answers in a movie didn’t bug me, especially since it didn’t really matter where it was from. I saw the viral ad campaign as kind of a bonus. Truth is, I was really excited for Cloverfield, so I was eager to find all the information I could.
July 16th, 2008 at 10:31 pmNo bashing on Lost, guys. That show rocks!
July 16th, 2008 at 11:57 pmDARK KNIGHT IN 24 HOURS
WHO IS FUCKING READY?!!
July 17th, 2008 at 12:01 amSean:
I know this is a little out of character for me but…
OMFG BATMAN I CANT WAIT THIS IS GONNA BE AWESOME YAYAYAYAYAYAAYYAYAYA!!!
July 17th, 2008 at 7:10 am“Or the fact certain people can’t get off their high horse and accept this is nothing but an Westernized version of Godzilla which didn’t have a Prince of Arabia-type premise either. Get over yourself. Cloverfield was a monster movie which Rod clearly pointed out but you failing to grasp.”
No, I grapsed it was a monster movie, thanks.
I also grasped it had a stupidly drawn-out premise, which you seem hell-bent on defending, to the point of rudeness. Get over YOURself.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:45 amHehe, now I know what happened in the last half-hour of the movie. I sat too close to the screen in the theater and felt so nauseated by the jumpy camera I had to go and wait outside for the rest of the movie. I love everything about your parody script, love it waaaay more than the real thing, in my opinion! And I didn’t even get nauseous once!
July 17th, 2008 at 8:49 am@Jesse,
Not that I’m trying to get into this argument about Cloverfield’s merits and issues, but I’m not sure the reason J.J.A. can’t tell a whole story is that that’s his “style”. That isn’t to say he can’t come up with good ideas, but still… I suspect he’s just a bad writer.
July 17th, 2008 at 11:41 am“Holy shit, zerglings!”
That is the exact same thing i thought when i saw them…
July 17th, 2008 at 12:00 pmTo Sean and Rod: WOOT!
July 17th, 2008 at 7:15 pmSean: Who the fuck isn’t excited about Batman?
July 17th, 2008 at 7:47 pm@Matt: Yeah, you could say that. But, in the case of cloverfield, the story is actually there, it was just omitted. IMHO, that was done to immerse the audience in the moment a bit more: the audience knew no more than the characters in the movie.
Though, I do think it would’ve been nice if you could’ve overheard some of the chatter while they were in the military camp, or helicopter. That might have been a good way to answer a few questions, or at least provide some more information in a way that wouldn’t ruin the feel of the movie.
And please don’t take this as me trying to defend him: I didn’t know who he was or learn he worked on LOST until I heard about cloverfield. I just liked the movie =]
July 17th, 2008 at 8:04 pmthis movie was ok if it werent for the fat shit holding the camera and attempting to imitate a roller coaster ride.
July 17th, 2008 at 8:15 pmSorry Rod, you stopped being funny when you failed to appropriately represent the 9/11 truth movement, which by now is so large and widely accepted that you like a complete idiot.
Next time keep your drunken political leanings/rants out of your scripts. One misplaced comment or jab is enough for you to lose your credibility. You are warned.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:55 amlook*
July 18th, 2008 at 1:58 amCredibility of the Truth movement?
*snickers*
Great script, as always.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:02 amYou know, I thought Sean had the funniest comment so far? Turns out Damon was just waiting in the wings. Yeah, Rod, you’d better watch your ass! Your credibility is at stake! Your… credibility… as a humorist? Fuck, I can’t do this.
@Jesse: Oh, I totally agree. Cloverfield was better for the lack of explanation. I actually liked the film quite well.
(and thus, two people on TER saw eye-to-eye, and yea, the world did implode)
One last thing… Dark. Knight. F. T. Fucking. W.
July 18th, 2008 at 9:48 amRod,
I commend you once again for your work on this abridged script. I don’t know why but for some reason I found the:
“Holy shit, my apartment is full of extremely low-paid film extras.” line hysterical. I also like how you touched on the incredible recuperative powers of Odette Yustman after winding up impaled in her own apartment. A part of me hoped that just as they finished pulling her off the huge piece of cable, the Kurgan would come barging through her apartment door blaring “there can be only one!” with swordplay ensuing soon after. However, I guess that was just too much to ask for.
As for other people’s disappointment with the lack of completeness to the story, I did find it interesting that per the IMDB:
Right before the credits, in the last Coney Island scene, as the camera looks out at the ocean, you can see a large but far away object fall into the ocean and make a splash.
Subtle……..yes, but interesting nevertheless.
By the way, is it me or was the entire film like 45 minutes long from beginning to end? Had I seen it in the theater I think I would have been pissed.
All in all a great job Rod. Any chance we can get you to do an abridged script of a classic film?
July 18th, 2008 at 10:19 amWay to go rod, awesome script as always. LMAO!!! @Matt for the highlander reference, that was great, and Batman was off the fucking chain!!!!! Can’t wait for the Hancock script.
July 18th, 2008 at 11:08 amI also loved the picture caption, all of those are hilarious!
July 18th, 2008 at 11:25 amWoops meant LMAO @Newguy
July 18th, 2008 at 11:25 am@Damon
“Sorry Rod, you stopped being funny when you failed to appropriately represent the 9/11 truth movement, which by now is so large and widely accepted that you like a complete idiot.
Next time keep your drunken political leanings/rants out of your scripts. One misplaced comment or jab is enough for you to lose your credibility. You are warned.”
hahahaahahahahahahahaahahahahaahahahaha this has to be a joke.
if it’s not, let me add that the movement’s widely accepted only by idiots and clueless people, and it’s got a huge following because of idiots and clueless people. plus i really don’t think rod, or most anyone, gives a shit about losing credibility with a movement that never had any in the first place.
July 18th, 2008 at 1:42 pmKill you? KILL YOU? What would I do without you?
You complete me.
July 18th, 2008 at 7:17 pm@ Jesse & Coyote:
I get that due to the POV of the story, the audience is privy to as much information as the camera takes in, and due to that I understand that they probably won’t be in the military command bunker taking in all the facts. I see what J.J.A was trying to do here, that doesn’t mean I have to like it though. :p
I suppose that it’s just my personal taste in movies and stories is that I like to know what’s going on. I generally hate having loose ends running around because it takes away my immersion in the movie. Which is funny because ‘immersion’ in this sense would be the entire POINT of the way the movie was filmed. But immersion to me is being given enough information about the world and situation, or having enough info on the characters that I can be genuinely convinced that these worlds/scenarios/people exist. Without those explanations and with such little details about the character’s lives (examples: Main character’s ‘depth’: Going on a trip. Likes a girl. The end. Cameraman’s ‘depth’: Sarcastic. Friend. The End.) I just don’t feel drawn into the world or really give two shits about anyone’s tragic death. As such, I’m left scrambling for reasons to be compelled, and without them I just can’t like the movie.
I don’t know that’s just me though. My friend and I have a problem with movies and not many people enjoy watching them with us. We “over-analyze”, critic, and dissect movies too much, whereas everyone else has this uncanny ability to just turn their brain off and be entertained for 2 hours. I just can’t do that… :(
July 18th, 2008 at 9:21 pm@Matt: Haha! People getting along on the internet? No way!
@pathrifter: I totally understand where you’re coming from. I’m about that with certain movies, but cloverfield just wasn’t one of them. I completely agree about the depth of the characters, though: especially the cameraman. I mean, I enjoyed it, but certainly no major connections to the characters.
July 18th, 2008 at 10:36 pmHey Rod
Long time reader, First time writer.
I think one of the main reasons this movie sucked is the the kids were the dumbest kids i have ever seen in a thriller. there this one instance the u probably noticed but chose not to write about that particulartly stands out. that would be this.
ok, the kids just saw on the tvs in the store what looked like dog sized quick-moving things that kill people. so obviously the best thing to do would be lock yourself up in a underground, poorly lit, expansive system that connects the whole area that the moster is attacking (and shedding those little quick shits), and then go exploring in the tunnels themselves!! seriously, its a wonder they survived in the subway system as long as they did. and it takes a really special kind of mind to hold onto the video camera that long.
anyways, i just wanted to point that one out. cya.
July 19th, 2008 at 7:48 amOK, I liked TDK, but Rod, please abridge it and make sure to make fun of the fact that every single thing, even the unplanned events, all seemed to go exactly “according to plan,” as if the Joker could have known everything.
I would say that if the Joker could have known all would happen it did, then he is indeed God. Omnipotence is the only answer to that movie’s plot!
July 19th, 2008 at 12:15 pmYeah, who isn’t excited about Bateman?
July 19th, 2008 at 6:37 pmGreat script; especially loved the zergling crack.
@random: The Joker is kira… I’ll go and drown myself now.
July 20th, 2008 at 2:16 pmTheres no way this movie was 3 and a half stars
July 26th, 2008 at 9:44 amYour Cloverfield script:
JESSICA LUCAS
I see no reason for the tragic loss of my fiancee to convince me not to be part of your idiotic suicide mission to rescue some random girl that let you fuck her, almost certainly out of pity.
Well, in truth Jessica’s character was best friends with Odette’s character and therefore would want to go back in to save her. And Odette wasnt a random girl, they were all friends for a while with the exception of Lizzy Caplan’s character who had only met them ALL a few times but was also friends with Odette’s character. It would make sense in a chaotic situation to stick with those you know, especially when the city is falling down around you.
July 27th, 2008 at 11:25 amdamn. this movie sounds like it sucks. blair witch part iii: the suckening.
July 27th, 2008 at 4:38 pmnice, but wasn’t that zooey deschanel? (not lizzie caplan)
August 7th, 2008 at 7:04 pmGood stuff chief.
Almost as long as the real thing, LOL!
August 15th, 2008 at 2:29 pmDon’t forget the completely unnecessary and amazingly dickish backwards talking at the end. That was how I did indeed know that it was a JJ Abrams flick.
August 20th, 2008 at 10:16 pmbut your version of the script is so much like the oriignal, you haven’t changed anything; holy shit batman that could be the clue.
November 5th, 2008 at 7:49 am