Worst amateur porn ever.


Worst amateur porn ever.

CLOVERFIELD

The Abridged Script

GOVERNMENT DOCUMENT #SUK-87127-785

SCRIPT FRAGMENTS RETRIEVED FROM COCKTAIL NAPKINS AT SITE "US-447"

AREA FORMERLY KNOWN AS "4PLAY GENTLEMEN'S CLUB"

FADE IN:

INT. APARTMENT - NEW YORK

A group of WEALTHY DOUCHEBAGS gather for a party while listening to SHITTY MUSIC. MIKE VOGEL approaches T.J. MILLER.

MIKE VOGEL

Hey, I need you to take this video camera and film everyone here and anything else that happens tonight.

T.J. MILLER

Because you need me to record goodbye messages for our friend, Michael Stahl-David?

MIKE VOGEL

No, because it will be used as an obnoxious gimmick that will distract everyone from realizing our movie has no plot whatsoever.

T.J. takes the camera and films the exact people who will wind up in a group later on, conveniently. MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID enters.

DOUCHEBAGS

SURPRISE! Congratulations on getting into a real movie despite having a frat boy beard!

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

Holy shit, my apartment is full of extremely low-paid film extras.

T.J. MILLER (O.C.)

Hey! Say something sarcastic into the camera so that everyone in the audience knows how totally like them you are.

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

Is that my extremely high definition camcorder? Dammit, I had a tape in there of me and Odette Yustman on an awkward next-day date after a one-night-stand.

T.J. MILLER (O.C.)

Don't worry, dude. Whenever I turn the camera off I make sure to fast-forward for a second just to keep snippets of your date interspersed. Check it out.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. CONEY ISLAND - NEW YORK

MICHAEL and ODETTE YUSTMAN desperately reach for topics of conversation while avoiding EYE CONTACT.

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

So how are you enjoying Coney Island so far?

ODETTE YUSTMAN

It's great! I'm having such a good time! It would be a real shame if our city were to be attacked by a gigantic monster!

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

I know right! How totally tragic that would be, for reals!

FLASH CUT TO:

INT. APARTMENT

T.J. MILLER (O.C.)

See? No problem.

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

That reminds me, I need to go talk to Odette. I haven't spoken to her since we had sex.

T.J. MILLER (O.S.)

What is this shit, Laguna Beach?

MICHAEL fights with ODETTE YUSTMAN in order to create DRAMATIC TENSION.

Suddenly, there is a LARGE EXPLOSION outside. Everyone runs out to see what it is, and the HEAD FROM A STATUE OF LIBERTY ABOUT 3 TIMES LARGER THAN THE ACTUAL STATUE OF LIBERTY rolls down the street.

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

Holy shit. We should take shelter underground somewhere!

MIKE VOGEL

No, that would make too much sense. We should wander the streets!

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

You're right! Let's take the bridge, the most vulnerable possible place we could go!

MIKE VOGEL

And we should make sure to take the bridge closest to the deadly explosions!

MICHAEL, MIKE, MIKE's fiancee JESSICA LUCAS, and completely random cast member LIZZY CAPLAN all cross the BROOKLYN BRIDGE. Suddenly, MICHAEL gets a phone call from ODETTE YUSTMAN.

ODETTE YUSTMAN

(on phone)

Michael! I'm trapped in my apartment and for some reason decided not to call 9-1-1, my family, people in my building, or even the guy I brought to your party!

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

Shit! I must heroically go rescue Odette!

T.J. MILLER (O.C.)

And I must document it, rather than, say, get the fuck out of here.

JESSICA LUCAS

And Lizzy and I will go too, since we have speaking parts in this movie.

Just after MICHAEL decides to turn back, the BRIDGE collapses and MIKE VOGEL DIES.

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

No! My brother!

(pause)

Alright, shall we keep going?

JESSICA LUCAS

I see no reason for the tragic loss of my fiancee to convince me not to be part of your idiotic suicide mission to rescue some random girl that let you fuck her, almost certainly out of pity.

A MONSTER attacks some buildings, and the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING collapses in on itself, releasing a huge plume of smoke that funnels down the street towards the camera.

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

Oh my God, this is just like 9/11! So much so that the allusion is excessive and in extremely poor taste!

RANDOM JACKASS

Cloverfield was an inside job! Wake up sheeple!

MICHAEL, JESSICA, LIZZY, and T.J. go underground and walk the subway tracks. While walking, they are attacked by LITTLE CRITTERS THAT SOUND LIKE DONALD DUCK WHEN HE GETS PISSED OFF.

LIZZY CAPLAN

Holy shit, zerglings!

T.J. MILLER (O.C.)

I'll heroically help you fight them off while unheroically refusing to free up a second arm by letting go of the fucking camera!

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

Now the critters are attacking you! You're actually trying to fight them off while holding the camera! What in the shitting fuck is wrong with you?

T.J. MILLER (O.C.)

(kicking ineffectively)

This is important! I have to document everything! If I upload this to Break.com, I might get four-hundred bucks!

JESSICA LUCAS

If the excuse for this movie's shaky premise is going to be that you feel a duty to document what's happening, why won't you hold the camera steady on the monster for more than half a second?

T.J. MILLER (O.C.)

I've seen the thing. It looks like an even more poorly rendered version of that green crab thing Obi-Wan fights in Attack of the Clones. Trust me, it's better to keep the camera off it.

They escape the CRITTERS but then LIZZY's head EXPLODES.

JESSICA LUCAS

Oh my god! The critter bite caused her head to explode?!

T.J. MILLER (O.C.)

Nah, she just watched part of this movie and got so nauseous that she literally puked her head off.

They make their way to ODETTE'S APARTMENT and find her on the ground with a STEEL ROD poking through her abdomen. They pull it out and, within moments, ODETTE is able to walk and run normally.

ODETTE YUSTMAN

Thanks for rescuing me, Michael! I feel no guilt whatsoever over the fact that your brother and a friend died going along with you.

They all pile into a HELICOPTER, which CRASHES. Nearly EVERYONE survives somehow. Shortly afterwards, everyone DIES ANYWAY.

FLASH CUT TO:

EXT. CONEY ISLAND

MICHAEL and ODETTE continue their cheapass date.

MICHAEL STAHL-DAVID

The battery is about to die, do you have anything else you want to say?

ODETTE YUSTMAN

Yeah. How the fuck did you manage to fill 90 minutes of tape at Coney Island?

END

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