The Abridged Script
INT. STUDIO EXEC'S OFFICE
Writers STEVE KOREN and MARK O'KEEFE are meeting with a STUDIO EXECUTIVE.
So, remember when we wrote a movie about a workaholic who gains special powers and uses them to try and make some sense of his life, but then you cast Jim Carrey and it just became a stupid comedy named Bruce Almighty?
Well, we were pretty disappointed, so we're trying again with a movie that has almost the exact same basic idea!
Great! We'll cast Adam Sandler.
STEVE KOREN AND MARK O'KEEFE
INT. ADAM SANDLER'S HOUSE
ADAM SANDLER, apparently asleep on the couch, is awakened by his ADORABLE CHILDREN. His ridiculously hot wife, KATE BECKINSALE, enters.
Did you fall asleep on the couch watching TV again?
Yeah. Despite the fact that my character is a success-driven workaholic, for some reason the opening shots of the movie establish me as a lazy, tv watching, twinkie-eating loser.
ADORABLE CHILD 1
Let's watch some stupid cartoon show!
ADAM tries to turn the TV on. He finds this nearly impossible, despite the fact that the movie began with the TV on, which would otherwise seem to indicate he knows how to use his own television.
Argh, I keep confusing the real remote with remotes that clearly don't belong to the television, such as a garage door opener!
ADORABLE CHILD 2
The neighbors have a universal remote that controls everything.
Perhaps I should get a universal remote. This is not a lazy and obvious plot device.
Wow, so this movie is actually kind of normal so far. Maybe it's not going to be one of Adam Sandler's retarded comedies filled with juvenile toilet humor.
Suddenly, the DOG humps a stuffed duck. ADAM does his trademark OBNOXIOUS YELLING and everyone swears a lot.
ADAM goes to a meeting with DAVID HASSELHOFF and a bunch of ARAB DUDES WITH THICK ACCENTS.
I have a comical thick accent which will be the source of a lot of comedy involving misunderstandings! To make matters all the more hilarious, my name kind of sounds like "boob" which is a part of the female anatomy!
This is some seriously awesome fucking comedy right here! I sure hope we can talk to some uptight Asian businessmen later on and re use this joke!
Yep. Definitely one of Sandler's stupid comedies. I'm just going to go ahead and sleepwalk through the rest of this thing.
INT. BED, BATH AND BEYOND
ADAM goes to BED, BATH AND BEYOND to find a universal remote. He meets CHRISTOPHER WALKEN in a section called "BEYOND", a joke which is used 4 times.
I have a universal remote that would be perfect for you. You seem like a nice guy, I'll give it to you.
I seem like a nice guy? I've been a douchebag to literally every single character in the movie so far other than my boss. At best, I'm a brown-nosing asshole.
Look, just take the remote. There's no time to cast a more sympathic actor in this role.
ADAM takes the remote. He soon discovers that it lets him control the universe.
I have a remote that can pause, fast-forward, and rewind my life!
Just remember that when you fast forward, you're basically a zombie in your actual life. For some reason, this statement doesn't mean that you can't do creative architecture work during fast forwards.
ADAM fast-forwards through the weekend.
Wow, neat. I can fast-forward through things to get work done!
Why not just pause the universe, get your work done, then unpause? That way you don't have to miss out on things.
Or for that matter, why not just pause, then read millions of books until you're so smart that you don't even need to work for David Fucking Hasselhoff.
And for THAT matter, why not just pause, then go break into your boss's mansion, steal his money, and quit your shitty job so you can focus on your family? Hell, just use nothing but pause and ignore the other buttons.
Why use pause to actually fix my life when I can use it to kick people in the balls and fart in their mouths instead?
He does these things. That's actually what he uses PAUSE for. He fast-forwards to his promotion and misses part of his life.
Oh no! I've become victim to a thinly stretched analogy about how we choose to live our lives in fast forward for stupid reasons and miss out on the things that really matter in life!
To make matters worse, the remote is now going to begin fast forwarding for you!
But that actually breaks the analogy...
Just make up for the destruction of the main point of the movie by making the last half hour cheesy, overly-sentimental bullshit.
ADAM fast-forwards to when he is an old man. His son is getting married.
Oh no! I've missed out on my kids growing up! I was a dick to my father right before he died, which is surprising since I thought I was supposed to be in zombie mode while fast-forwarding!
What have I done? Things are so incredibly bad that it's painfully obvious this movie will have to turn out to be a dream!
ADAM'S SON skips his honeymoon to do work. ADAM runs to him and collapses. In his dying moments, he tells his kid to go on his honeymoon.
Am I supposed to be taking this seriously? It's the guy from The Waterboy wearing shitty old man makeup and telling his kid to go fuck his wife with his dying breath while everyone hovers over him like it's not the silliest thing ever put on film.
Shockingly, IT WAS ALL A DREAM!