"GOD DAMMIT I WANT A VANILLA SWIRL CONE AND I WANT IT NOW!!"


"GOD DAMMIT I WANT A VANILLA SWIRL CONE AND I WANT IT NOW!!"
This script is a contribution from a hopeful author. Please rate the script at the bottom and leave constructive feedback, it's extremely valuable.

CHILL FACTOR

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. ABANDONED LOST WORLD SET - DAY

There are THIRTY RANDOM SOLDIERS running around the set.

SOLDIER # 1

It's such a lovely day outside. It's a shame we're all going to die.

SOLDIER #2

Are we going to be eaten by dinosaurs?

SOLDIER #1

No. I think we're going to get our faces eaten off by blue jell-o...

SOLDIER #2

Cool!

INT. BASE THAT IS SOMEHOW RESISTANT TO NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST

MAN

Sir, I think the substance that guy from The Mummy is carrying is going to eat his face off.

DR. LONG

Damn. Now we have to explain in minute detail every single thing that's happening.

BRYNNER

No, no, my men!!

MAN

You're safe, sir. We'll be shielded from the nuclear blast by that glass door!

AUDIENCE

Where the hell is Cuba Gooding, Jr?

The big blob of CREEPY ALOE VERA GEL explodes and kills everyone.

INT. COURTROOM - DAY

The producers have forgot to budget for night shoots.

JUDGE

Even though you had nothing to do with building or setting off the weapon, I'm going to send you to jail for ten years because you remind me too much of that annoying Swedish guy from Good Will Hunting.

BRYNNER

Damn you all.

INT. PRISON CELL - 10 YEARS LATER

Unnecessary establishing shot telling us that Brynner's really pissed off now.

AUDIENCE

Where the hell is Cuba Gooding, Jr?

EXT. MEANINGFUL RIVER- DAY

Enter SKEET ULRICH in a red bandana and Terminator glasses. Not only is he ONE DAMN COOL PROTAGONIST, he can also fly-fish.

DR. LONG

You know, son, fly-fishing is a lot like life. Sometimes you just suck at it.

SKEET

What do you think of the bandana? It's supposed to make people think that I'm a real hard-ass. I do hope I'm not pistol-whipped by a gang member.

DR. LONG

Watch the way The River Runs Through It all, Johnny

SKEET

For the last time. I'm not Johnny Depp!! I'm a hard-ass drifter. Just look at my sunglasses.

DR. LONG

Listen up, Skeet. Sometimes the prey bites back. This is a very important lesson, so I'll repeat it seventeen more times for emphasis Sometimes the prey bite back, damn it, sometimes the prey--Ouch, my heart!

INT. DINER - LATER THAT DAY

FLO, THE ATYPICAL DINER OWNER

Skeet, you suck out loud. I hope your face gets eaten off.

EXT. ARMY BASE

BRYNNER and his team of THREE BAD GUYS and ONE REALLY BAD GIRL kill a couple of people and try to steal the BLUE FLUBBER, but DR. LONG somehow manages to get it first, despite the fact that he's been riddled with bullet holes and has a time frame of 3.3 seconds.

REALLY BAD ACTRESS

Damn. Our whole plan has been foiled.

BRYNNER

No, it hasn't. We've still got this bloody fly-fishing hook.

INT. DINER - NIGHT

SKEET

Holy shit, it's a night scene.

CUBA

Hi, I'm Cuba Gooding, Jr. I'm a disgruntled ice cream salesman.

SKEET

I forgot you were in this movie.

CUBA

I think I'll call you nightshift, 'cause that's funny. Oh, we don't get along.

SKEET

Do you think anyone realizes we were both in As Good As it Gets?

CUBA

You were in that?

LONG bursts in and promptly collapses on the floor.

LONG

Skeet, you have to keep the bus above fifty miles an hour or Dennis Hopper'll blow it up.

SANDRA BULLOCK

And you thought The Net sucked..

LONG

Sometimes the prey bites back!!!!!

He DIES. Dramatically.

SKEET

Shit, now what do we do?

CUBA

Why don't you run over to 7-11 and buy a bag of ice and a cooler?

SKEET

(whips out a gun)

I have a better idea. Let's bring this handy giant thermometer with us that I happen to have in my back pocket in your ice cream truck and take the deadly substance on a road trip?

The two get in the truck and take off, and somehow manage to fly off a cliff in a fishing boat.

DIRECTOR

(watching the Best of Steven Segal marathon on TBS)

Because my dad abandoned me as a small child while on a father/son fishing trip, my threapist recomends me clubbing you over the head with fishing metaphors that in no way pertain to the onscreen action for "closure."

EXT. MEANINGFUL RIVER- DAY

SKEET

I'm getting this overwhelming sense of deja-vu

CUBA whips out his remarkably dry Nokia cellular phone and fires his agent.

CUBA

I'm gettin' too old for this shit.

EXT. DAM- DAY

BRYNNER

I want $100 billion dollars! Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?

MATT LAUER

Holy shit, he's got bath crystals. Everyone back the hell up.

He would've blown them all up, but fortunately SKEET'S a bright little camper, and he learned the magic lesson of the day. Let's say it together now:

ALL

Sometimes the prey bites back!

And happiness spread throughout the land. Unfortunately, the movie still had another half-hour left

INT. TUNNEL- DAY

SKEET

Damn. The bomb's about to go off.

BARNEY FIFE

Drop the bath beads, horse-face, or I'll shoot!

SKEET

Didn't ANY of you fuckers see Scream??

CUBA

SHOW ME THE MONEY!!!!!!

In the confusion which follows, SKEET whips off his shirt and saves a bus full of children from South Park who see dead people because they've spent too much time swinging through the Wild, Wild West with Julia Roberts.

BRYNNER

Eat me.

CUBA blows on him for dramatic effect.

SKEET ULRICH

Eat your face off!! Hahaha

The bomb explodes and Brynner gets his face eaten off, as if there were ever a question.

CUBA

I'd say this movie makes up for Instinct

SKEET

The Newton Boys, too.

DIRECTOR

Wait a sec. What the hell is copyright infringement?

Enter two beautiful medical technicians.

SKEET

What are they doing here?

CUBA

You don't want people to think we're gay, do you?

SKEET

Hell no. Let's bang 'em.

As the movie fades, we HEAR:

SKEET

Hey, man, did I tell you? My next movie's A western, and it co-stars Jewel.

END

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