"Can't... reach... right hand... red!"


"Can't... reach... right hand... red!"

CHICAGO

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. RENEE ZELLWEGER'S APARTMENT

RENEE ZELLWEGER has an affair with DOMINIC WEST, who WRONGS her.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

All that I want in life

Is just to be a star

Perhaps I will get there

Riding in a cop car!

She shoots DOMINIC WEST. JOHN C. REILLY expresses muted sadness. RENEE goes to jail.

INT. JAIL

RENEE meets QUEEN LATIFAH, who begins the "pointless musical number" trend with a song about taking bribes. She also meets CATHERINE ZETA-JONES.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

Well here I am again

My role another bitch

Don't think that's how I am

I swear, it's just my niche.

QUEEN LATIFAH

And now I'll call someone

Whose got no business here

With singing and dancing

I'm calling Richard Gere!

RICHARD GERE shows up and proceeds to make the AUDIENCE feel embarrassed on his behalf.

RICHARD GERE

Hey, take a second look,

You might not think it's me

But I will torture you

With my crappy singing!

I'm really hoping that

This helps my shit career

But I'm so stiff it seems

A gerbil's up my rear!

The AUDIENCE shifts uncomfortably, hoping the scene ends soon.

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

And now the time has come

We must advance the plot

At least as much of one

As this story has got

My conflict with Renee

Shouldn't take quite so long

But it's a good excuse

For yet another song!

One forgettable musical number follows another, all the while barely succeeding in making any point about our society's obsession with crime-based celebrities.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

I really learned to dance

For my role in this flick

But you can hardly tell -

Rob Marshall cuts so quick!

All that you get to see

Are half-a-second shots

In which we seem to dance

But mostly just look hot.

RENEE goes to court.

INT. COURTROOM

RICHARD GERE

To get you out of jail

We need to fool the crowd

And to accomplish this

We must be bright and loud

Give em a flashy show

Without a single lick

Of anything to say

Just like this goddamned flick!

RENEE ZELLWEGER

And once they are convinced

That there is substance here

Then I can really boost

My squinty-eyed career!

I'll have my own big show

And I will be a star

Everyone will forget

The "Chainsaw Massacre"

I will wear low-cut clothes

To show my flattened chest -

I'll be so very glad

I killed Dominic West!

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES

It seems a little forced

To even have me here

But I'm a top-billed star

And so I must appear

There's some contrivance with

Some stupid diary

And now because of it

Zellweger will go free!

The JURY is RAZZLED in addition to DAZZLED and RENEE is found NOT GUILTY.

EXT. CHICAGO

RENEE and CATHERINE become stars in a mindless crowd pleaser about female murderers with unnecessary song-and dance routines that fail in both satirizing the subject matter and allowing audience members to care about the performers at all.

RENEE ZELLWEGER

The grand finale's here

And so we must enthral

But it will let you down

Cuz it's not grand at all.

AUDIENCE

Well that was pretty tame

But at least I can say

That I'm a cultured sort

That's seen things from broadway

I saw a musical

And I feel very good

It's not the same old crap

I see from Hollywood!

The AUDIENCE proceeds to ignore the fact that musicals are to the world of theatre exactly what mindless blockbusters are to the world of film.

END

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