The Cat In The Hat: The Abridged Script

By Rod | Feb 6th, 2004 | 7 Comments | Movie: This entry has a rating of 1

FADE IN:

INT. A PEOPLE HOUSE

DAKOTA FANNING and SPENCER BRESLIN are bored, because their mother left.

NARRATOR

What can you do when there’s absolutely positively absotively posolutely nothing to be done?

DAKOTA FANNING

We could go to the local cineplex and watch Mike Myers rape the hell out of the childhoods of previous generations!

Suddenly, MIKE MYERS enters.

SPENCER BRESLIN

Hey, what are you doing here?

MIKE MYERS

When you’ve misplaced a certain screenplay, keep your cool, don’t get hot – Hollywoodus Eliminatus is the best friend that you’ve got! Hollywoodus Eliminatus always helps an awful lot – the way to make a decent movie is to make some that are not!

(pause)

Hello dawling. Lorne Michaels wouldn’t approve a movie spin-off of Coffee Talk, so I took my impression of a stereotypical jewish mother and plastered cat makeup all over it!

YOUR CHILDHOOD

(being anally violated)

Oh god, it hurts! Must you rape my ass so hard, Mr. Myers?

MIKE MYERS

I promise I’ll stop if everyone says good things about Austin Powers 4: On Her Majesty’s Secret Semen-Filled Vagina With Boobs and Poopie.

YOUR CHILDHOOD

(sobbing)

Is there nothing sacred!?

END

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Comments »

  1. 1
    Hiro Says:

    So true, and disheartening because it is.
    Let’s make a Dr. Seuss Movie, rate it PG, but sneak in a ton of thinly veiled adult humor! Suck on that kiddies!
    Ha! Ha! Ha! Look! The man your perfect mother wants to marry is actually fat, and we will show this by inflicting a nauseating scene of him playing with his belly hair!
    Look! That wily Dr. Seuss critter just urinated a whole fucking river of piss to stop your mother from coming home!

    WHY?! WHY?!?!?!?

    April 19th, 2008 at 1:36 pm
  2. 2
    Emanuel Says:

    Funny, but i wish it were longer! I really hated this movie and was hoping you would rip it a new one.

    August 7th, 2008 at 6:39 pm
  3. 3
    Dylan H. Says:

    This was a great movie. :P

    September 28th, 2008 at 6:20 am
  4. 4
    Aces High Says:

    aww man you should’ve made it longer, just to prove how much it was destroying childhood memories (the fold out of mom’s picture? Jesus fucking christ what was wrong with the people in charge of this movie!?!?!?)

    September 30th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
  5. 5
    Ryder Says:

    this is disgusting, and yet oddly true

    December 1st, 2008 at 9:34 am
  6. 6
    T. Poe Says:

    And, really, there is nothing much more that can be said about it. Good job!

    May 26th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
  7. 7
    Kevin Keene Says:

    This script is the perfect length because that's damn near how long I was able to sit through the real movie, too. Total sodomy.

    December 10th, 2009 at 6:29 am

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