THE CAT IN THE HAT

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. A PEOPLE HOUSE

DAKOTA FANNING and SPENCER BRESLIN are bored, because their mother left.

NARRATOR

What can you do when there's absolutely positively absotively posolutely nothing to be done?

DAKOTA FANNING

We could go to the local cineplex and watch Mike Myers rape the hell out of the childhoods of previous generations!

Suddenly, MIKE MYERS enters.

SPENCER BRESLIN

Hey, what are you doing here?

MIKE MYERS

When you've misplaced a certain screenplay, keep your cool, don't get hot - Hollywoodus Eliminatus is the best friend that you've got! Hollywoodus Eliminatus always helps an awful lot - the way to make a decent movie is to make some that are not!

(pause)

Hello dawling. Lorne Michaels wouldn't approve a movie spin-off of Coffee Talk, so I took my impression of a stereotypical jewish mother and plastered cat makeup all over it!

YOUR CHILDHOOD

(being anally violated)

Oh god, it hurts! Must you rape my ass so hard, Mr. Myers?

MIKE MYERS

I promise I'll stop if everyone says good things about Austin Powers 4: On Her Majesty's Secret Semen-Filled Vagina With Boobs and Poopie.

YOUR CHILDHOOD

(sobbing)

Is there nothing sacred!?

END


Rod has been an author at The Editing Room for 17 years. You can support Rod and the rest of the site on Patreon.

Rod is the founder of The Editing Room, having started the web site in 1998 after seeing "Godzilla" and being compelled to express his hatred. He's written the bulk of Abridged Scripts on the site, many of which have appeared in Total Film magazine and Cracked.com