Cast Away: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Jan 25th, 2001 |
8 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
INT. MEMPHIS AIRPORT
TOM HANKS is saying goodbye to HELEN HUNT.
TOM HANKS
I, an employee of FEDEX now must go off in this FEDEX plane to deliver FEDEX packages to a FEDEX office. I love you, Helen.
HELEN HUNT
Since I can play nobody other than my character from Mad About You, I will be slightly distant yet lovable and pretty. I love you, Tom Hanks. Please don’t get stranded on an island while delivering your FEDEX packages. I hope to settle down and have a real life with you sometime.
TOM HANKS
Me too. Unfortunately, I, like all FEDEX employees, am very devoted to making sure FEDEX packages get delivered correctly and promptly to the appropriate FEDEX locations. FEDEX is just that good. FedEx. Don’t worry, there’s FedEx for that. Ok, see you soon. Bye.
He gets on the plane which proceeds to go through one of the FUCKING SCARIEST CRASH SCENES IN A LONG TIME.
DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Okay folks, it’s all down hill from here. Go home. You’re going to sit through thirty minutes of near silence until Tom develops a crush on a volleyball.
EXT. SURVIVOR ISLAND
TOM walks around on the beach.
TOM HANKS
(for the next 10 minutes)
Hello? Anyone? Hello? Anyone? Hello? Anyone? Hello? Anyone? Hello? Anyone? Hello? Hey, did I win my Oscar yet?
DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Not yet. Wait until you lose some weight.
TOM HANKS
Couldn’t you just shoot the scenes as I am now and then shoot the ones before I go to the island after dressing me up to look fatter?
DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS
Quiet fat-ass, when I want you’re opinion, I’ll bribe you with a donut for it.
TOM begins to fend for himself.
TOM HANKS
In stark contrast to my busy, yuppie lifestyle of before, I am now brought back to a primitive state. I truly must cast away the shackles of my pampered lifestyle and get in touch with the hunter-gatherer within.
(pause)
Oh look, some packages from the awesome and all-powerful FEDEX have washed ashore. Looks like I’ll have some benefits of the modern world after all. The point of the movie seems a bit more vague and needless now. Oh, these boxes contains many useful tools for catching fish and eating. And it gives me someone to talk to.
VOLLEYBALL
BUY WILSON BRAND SPORTS EQUIPMENT!!!!
TOM HANKS
Maybe I should try to make fire, eh VollyballHead?
AUDIENCE
He’s….talking….to…a..volleyball.
TOM HANKS
That I am. And it’s a good thing too, my other Oscars were starting to get lonely. Anyway, time to repeatedly hurt myself making fire.
AUDIENCE
Couldn’t you just use the glass part of that flashlight you wasted combined with the sun?
TOM HANKS
QUIET! That’s for killing ants, not making fire. Idiots.
DIRECTOR ROBERT ZEMECKIS
I just wanted to pop in and remind the academy that nobody has ever made a movie like this before.
AUDIENCE
Yeah, there’s a fucking reason. I’m going to sleep, wake me when he gets off the island.
Years pass. TOM loses the weight and grows a BATTLEFIELD EARTH-STYLE haircut. He then gets a PORTABLE TOILET DOOR and figures out how to make a sailboat from it. Really.
TOM HANKS escapes the island.
EXT. MEMPHIS
TOM HANKS
Well, I am back in Memphis, thanks to the help of my friends at FEDEX. I have apparently lost none of my social abilities, my face is virtually unscarred and acne-free. I’m pretty much fitting back in with no problems at all, other than sleeping on the floor. Hey, I seem to have even got a little bit fatter.
HELEN HUNT
I’m married now. I could be cliche and leave my husband for my first love, or I could leave the audience unhappy and stay with him. Either way, we make the audience unhappy.. let’s go with the stay-with-husband route. That way, the audience will be unhappy but they’ll have the inexplicable feeling that this movie is dramatic and good.
TOM HANKS
That’s cool. See, I’ve realized something.
(shits pages of cheesy monologue out his mouth)
Tomorrow the sun will rise. And who knows what the tide will bring?
TOM’S DOCTOR
Bad news Tom, the tide brought scurvy and gangrene. You have a few days to live.
TOM HANKS
Then I shall join my volleyball friend. Bye everyone! And remember at Oscar time: I LOST A LOT OF WEIGHT FOR THIS ROLE!!
END
Funny Shit, I live next to a FEDEX office near my house and walk by that FEDEX office almost every day on my way to a much shittier job than Tom Hanks had as a systems engineer for FEDEX. Anayway as a was chanel surfing last night I noticed that this movie was on and wanted to see if anyone else thought that this was written as a massive fucking shameless plug for FEDEX…
March 29th, 2008 at 8:36 amMeh.
April 17th, 2008 at 6:13 pmBit desperate. Gotta say, this film actually deserved any and all Oscars that were thrown at it.
May 17th, 2008 at 3:42 pmThese are funny, but he’s actually ripped some good movies like this one for example…I think his talent for pulling out the most ridiculous and bad aspects of movies has left him cynical of all films ever made ever. Is there any movie he’s seen after he started making these that he’s actually enjoyed? Or perhaps he actually likes some of these movies and is merely putting on the facade of someone who hated it just for our entertainment? The world may never know…Wait, this is a comment on a post on a site that was written in 2001…No one will read this…God, I’m bored.
August 13th, 2008 at 1:16 pmI love this movie. Makes you wonder about yourself: Could you do it? Could your survive under those circumstances? What IS lonely? And how would you deal with facing it like so?
The movie’s simple, but it’s actually quite deep if you stop to think about all the connected issues.
August 29th, 2008 at 8:59 pmTezzle,
August 31st, 2008 at 7:38 pmRod rips all movies including the ones he likes. If you look up the top of the script & also in the archive index you can see what he really thinks of the film eg he gave Cast Away 3½ stars
The thing about the volleyball and the audience’s reaction to him talking to it is LOW Rod, even for you. If you were isolated on a remote desert island where it is highly improbable that you will be rescued WHAT THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO INSTEAD????? Tell me please because I want to know so I won’t cry my little eyes out the next time I watch him lose his only friend.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:30 pmUr a fucking joke dude. How dare you deface a movie as good as that one. Go ruin a movie thats worth ruining!!!
June 18th, 2009 at 9:46 amDumb Ass!!!!!!