"Holy cow!"


"Holy cow!"

CALVARY

The Very Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. IRISH COUNTRYSIDE

Catholic priest BRENDAN GLEESON talks to his superior DAVID MCSAVAGE.

BRENDAN GLEESON

A mystery man says he's going to kill me on Sunday!

DAVID MCSAVAGE

Oh no! Do you have any idea who he might be?

BRENDAN GLEESON

As a matter of fact I'm absolutely sure who he might be.

DAVID MCSAVAGE

...well. Why don't you report him to the police?

BRENDAN GLEESON

He hasn't done anything really bad yet.

DAVID MCSAVAGE

Are you fucking kidding me? As if threatening to kill someone wasn't a serious crime.

BRENDAN GLEESON

I'll wait and see if he changes his mind.

BRENDAN'S CHURCH is burned to the ground.

DAVID MCSAVAGE

Okay NOW are you going to report him?

BRENDAN GLEESON

We have no evidence it was the same...

DAVID MCSAVAGE

I think that's still a pretty big fucking clue, don't you?

BRENDAN'S DOG is killed, JESUS CHRIST.

DAVID MCSAVAGE

Don't tell me you're...

BRENDAN GLEESON

Still not going to report him.

DAVID MCSAVAGE

But he's killing innocent creatures now! Who knows how many people he could hurt before Sunday?

BRENDAN GLEESON

There's hope for everyone to change.

DAVID MCSAVAGE

But he's already committed several felonies. You're not going to go out on Sunday and not take any precautions to defend yourself are you? Brendan?

BRENDAN goes to the beach on SUNDAY and finds CHRIS O'DOWD!

CHRIS O'DOWD

That's right! The creepy mystery man with the tragic backstory turned out to be me, comedy legend Chris O'Dowd! Wakka Wakka!

(beat)

But I didn't kill your dog.

BRENDAN GLEESON

Really? That's confu-

(brains blown out)

CHRIS O'DOWD

That's for the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of your fellow priests!

RAPE SURVIVORS

Oh gee. A movie that makes the Catholic Church into the victim and makes sexual abuse survivors look like unstable murderers. Thanks a bunch movie. Thanks a whole fucking bunch.

END

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