The Very Abridged Script
EXT. IRISH COUNTRYSIDE
Catholic priest BRENDAN GLEESON talks to his superior DAVID MCSAVAGE.
A mystery man says he's going to kill me on Sunday!
Oh no! Do you have any idea who he might be?
As a matter of fact I'm absolutely sure who he might be.
...well. Why don't you report him to the police?
He hasn't done anything really bad yet.
Are you fucking kidding me? As if threatening to kill someone wasn't a serious crime.
I'll wait and see if he changes his mind.
BRENDAN'S CHURCH is burned to the ground.
Okay NOW are you going to report him?
We have no evidence it was the same...
I think that's still a pretty big fucking clue, don't you?
BRENDAN'S DOG is killed, JESUS CHRIST.
Don't tell me you're...
Still not going to report him.
But he's killing innocent creatures now! Who knows how many people he could hurt before Sunday?
There's hope for everyone to change.
But he's already committed several felonies. You're not going to go out on Sunday and not take any precautions to defend yourself are you? Brendan?
BRENDAN goes to the beach on SUNDAY and finds CHRIS O'DOWD!
That's right! The creepy mystery man with the tragic backstory turned out to be me, comedy legend Chris O'Dowd! Wakka Wakka!
But I didn't kill your dog.
Really? That's confu-
(brains blown out)
That's for the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of your fellow priests!
Oh gee. A movie that makes the Catholic Church into the victim and makes sexual abuse survivors look like unstable murderers. Thanks a bunch movie. Thanks a whole fucking bunch.