The Abridged Script
EXT. 2002 – QUEEN ELIZABETH II CELEBRATES HER GOLDEN JUBILEE; THE UNITED STATES INVADES AFGHANISTAN. TEENS PARTY TO NELLY’S “HOT IN HERE” WHILE AUDIENCES FLOCK TO A YOUNG TOBEY MAGUIRE AS “SPIDER-MAN”
ELLAR COLTRANE is an ADORABLE LITTLE BOY staring at THE SKY in a FIELD OF GRASS!
There you are, Ellar! How's my little baby-
Wait, you're a movie poster. Where...
She roots through FIVE THOUSAND IDENTICAL PICTURES OF ELLAR before finally finding THE REAL ONE.
So, your teacher says you’re a disinterested slacker.
And she says you stuffed your homework down a toilet with a dead bird.
And when she asked you to solve a math problem on the chalkboard, you wrote “4+20=POT” and gave everyone the finger.
I think bedbugs are in the wallpaper Eskimos and a scanner darkly is gurgle dingsoldier!
Can I vandalize my street an' lookit pictures of Big Girls' nippleballs even tho' Imma young for boobylovin?
Be home before sunset.
ELLAR watches some CARTOONS. He does NOT later whine about his childhood being MURDERED because some SHITTY CARTOONS got turned into a SHITTY MOVIE instead of ART.
Alright kids, we're moving to a bigger house in suburbia.
Waaah! As the older child, I don't wanna move! I might have to show more character traits than "Has attitude!"
Wow, *I* remember moving as a kid! This makes me so nostalgic for times when I could be a pouty shit and everyone still loved me!
Hey, I found another character trait: I like Brittany.
OH GOD NOOOOO THE AGONY IS TOOO MUUUUCH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOOOOOP
EXT. 2003 – SPACE SHUTTLE COLUMBIA TAKES ITS LAST FLIGHT. “SARS FEVER” GRIPS THE WORLD, WHILE A DIFFERENT FEVER GRIPS AMERICA’S YOUTH AS NELLY URGES THEM TO “SHAKE YA TAILFEATHER”
ELLAR and LORELEI hang out with their DIVORCED CRAZY-COOL-CAR DAD, ETHAN HAWKE.
Um, why do we all look like bleached polar bears, but our daughter has a tan?
How dare you! You
fucked that French chick you pined over for nine years ruined our marriage! You ass!
Daddy left us, we never got to see him 'til now. His entrance in our lives brung us trust issues, confusion, anger, and a long road to forgive-
HEY EVERYONE! It says in my contract that if the director dies, I get to take over his job! I'm SURE he DOESN'T want that to happen, because SOMEONE MIGHT GET UPSET.
(points car at director's chair)
(reading script rewrites)
We had fun with Dad all the time because he was a super awesome parent who understood us, meanwhile Mom kept our lives in constant craziness and instability.
That's what I'm Hawkein' about.
EXT. 2004 - VATICAN CITY GAINS FULL NON-VOTING MEMBERSHIP IN THE UNITED NATIONS. PRINCE NORODOM SIHAMONI BECOMES KING OF CAMBODIA, WHILE LOVEABLE OGRE SEQUEL “SHREK 2” DOMINATES THE BOX OFFICE
PATRICIA eventually marries her COLLEGE PROFESSOR MARCO PERELLA. If by EVENTUALLY you mean ONE SCENE.
Nice to meet you, Ellar. Go play with Lorelei while your mom and I, ah, turn some "D's" into "D+'s" and eventually raise some "C" out of there.
You what to what with Mommy?
We're going to study, real HARD. Gotta put INSIDE HER... some knowledge.
Hi, my brother and I are your new stepsiblings. Surprisingly, we're really cool! Disney lied, stepsiblings aren't always evil!
Marco's a cool dad, except for his huge red flag collection. Like, it takes up the whole garage.
EXT. 2005 - THE HUYGENS PROBE LANDS ON TITAN. POPE JOHN PAUL II PASSES AWAY, FOUR MILLION ATTEND THE FUNERAL. MILLIONS ALSO ROCK OUT TO GWEN STEFANI’S “HOLLABACK GIRL”. THE AMOUNT OF OVERLAP IS AS YET UNDETERMINED
ELLAR goes to SCHOOL and does AHHHHHH THINGS WITH SO MUCH NOSTALGIA, for those of us who group up in THE FAST FOOD NATION. This includes going to a HARRY POTTER BOOK RELEASE PARTY!
Yeah, only children loved Harry Potter. It's not like every demographic went nuts over it or anything.
Isn't it cool to follow the episodic adventures of Harry's youth, watching him grow older with each installment? The only thing better would be to read them ALL IN A ROW AT ONCE!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE takes TEN YEARS NOT TWELVE so FUCK HIM.
EXT. 2006 - GERMANY HOSTS THE WORLD CUP, ITALY HOSTS THE WINTER OLYMPICS. NEW DEAD PEOPLE INCLUDE DON KNOTTS, DARREN MCGAVIN, AND NINA SCHENK VON STAUFFENBERG
MARCO turns into the DRUNK DAD FROM HELL and it is TERRIFYING. The MODERN HORROR GENRE cowers, found-footage camera between its legs.
LORELEI! It says your mother called and left you a message. Tell me what she said!
She said, "Child abuse isn't funny, so anyone writing an abridged script should skip these-"
FUCK THAT! South Park's made child abuse funny like fifty times! Wait, not really. I'm not that drunk.
Sure, "Dad." You have the phone in your hand, check the message yourself. I see we're boldly entering a whole realm of heavy issues and deep subject ma-
AAIIEE, run, kids! Run away from the thing resembling a plot!
Alright! Come on, Jamie and Andrew!
Sorry, we have to abandon their asses. Texas law says they're stuck with Marco, since all the available foster parents are gay couples.
They ABANDON JAMIE AND ANDREW, presumably to DIE VIOLENTLY after short lives of terror.
Wow. Fucking Texas CPS.
You know what's weird? We shot this when we were like nine and never acted again; ten years later we're suddenly major roles in a gigantic movie yet nobody gives a shit about us.
Fucking Texas fucking Rick Perry fuck.
They move to OKLAHOMA for some AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM.
EXT. 2007 - "CRANK THAT (SOULJA BOY)" DEBUTS IN SEPTEMBER, DESPITE THE MOVIE PLAYING IT SEVERAL SCENES AGO...WHOOPS
Hey son! Let's go to a ball game and catch some bad news, Bears! Oh wait, this is baseball.
Dad? Do you have a job? Other than making shit horror movies, I mean.
Watch your language, young man. I've fallen in love with a beautiful woman who I've fathered another child with
and we're visiting Greece together while solving our relationship problems. How are you doing with girls?
Are cooties real?
Not if you feed the girls before midnight.
Is there really... magic?
Oho, serious scene time!! Of course there’s magic, if I told you this crazy project would be the Best Picture frontrunner, would you believe that?
EXT. 2008 - FIDEL CASTRO RESIGNS AS PRESIDENT OF CUBA. DMITRY MEDVEDEV BECOMES PRESIDENT OF RUSSIA, REPLACING PUTIN. MEANWHILE KATY PERRY KISSES A GIRL AND IS REASONABLY OKAY WITH THE CONCEPT
STEREOTYPICAL BULLIES show up and vanish, in that way bullies do.
I'd like to talk about women's rights and the pay gap.
(enters vegetative state)
EXT. 2009 - JAMES CAMERON MAKES A MOVIE AND SPENDS THE MONEY ON SCIENCE INSTEAD OF A BIGGER MANSION, UPSETTING EVERYONE FOR SOME REASON
Nothing else happens for a while.
This is a whole new type of storytelling! I’ve stretched film into a multi-segmented, episodic approach that can span years of real time! Now you can see actors grow and change when you binge-watch it all at once!
Oh, brilliant job, Richard. You’ve invented television.
EXT. 2010 - BP SPILLS OIL EVERYWHERE, BUT PROMISES TO NEVER DO SO AGAIN. THE CRISIS OF OIL DRILLING IS FOREVERMORE RESOLVED
ELLAR continues through his waking life by getting drunk and stoned while making out with chicks, yo. He arrives home to discover PATRICIA has married BRAD HAWKINS.
(dazed and confused)
You seem pretty cool, Bro... Bernie... I mean, Brad. Whoa, do NOT mix ups and downs, crunk BLOWS.
I'm a chill veteran rebuilding his life, ready to calm down with a family and KIDDING I'm the drunk dad from hell!
What? Nah man, we already did that. Tell me we didn't already run out of ideas, there's, like, five years to go!
Sorry honey, but Linklater's having trouble thinking up childhoods that weren't his own. He and Orson Welles have that in common.
(looks in mirror)
(checks Google Images)
(looks in mirror again)
Erm, why do I have the same hairstyle Linklater-
-HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ELLAR! We got you a gun and a Bible, now you can be just like the Newton Boys!
And this TOTALLY isn't what Linklater got for his 15th birthday. He got, oh I don't know, a roll of duct tape. Like, whatever.
I don't know about the kids having guns...
Have you seen the parade of guys Patricia brings home? Fuck yes they need guns.
EXT. 2011 - THE VIOLENT UNREST OF THE “ARAB SPRING” DOMINATES WORLD HEADLINES WHILE BRUNO MARS SETS OFF A “GRENADE”; OBAMA ANNOUNCES BIN LADEN'S DEATH, MOVIE-GOING PUBLIC WONDERS IF HARRY WILL SURVIVE PART TWO OF “DEATHLY HALLOWS”
ELLAR meets with his TEACHER of SOMETHING OR OTHER.
I've discovered my true passion: photography. Here's my photo.
This is my face with the word "Dick" drawn on it.
I'm promoting you to school paper photographer.
ELLAR'S RESTAURANT BOSS
You're lazy. I'm promoting you to head cook.
ELLAR'S FUTURE LANDLORD
You don't pay rent. I'm upgrading you to a larger apartment.
So that's how the Texas economy works.
ELLAR, face locked in "vaguely interested" mode for the remaining years, goes to ONE OF THOSE SUPERSIZE HIGH SCHOOL MOVIE PARTIES. Keg! Beer pong! Hot girls! It's not fucking college yet!
Hey Ellar. I get turned on by people who spiel about, like, the universe and shit.
I'm scruffy and shampoo my hair with sausage grease, and-
STOP RIGHT THERE YOU'RE ALREADY A GOD
A year passes, or maybe two, it's getting hard to tell.
EXT. 2012 - THE HIGGS BOSON PARTICLE IS FOUND, SPARKING A WORLDWIDE ARMAGEDDON LED BY ITS FEARSOME HERALD, JOHN CUSACK IN A LIMOUSINE
ZOE and ELLAR wander around before sunrise.
Society, like, turns us into mind-controlled robots with Facebook and smartphones.
Oh no... You've turned into one of THOSE people! Basically, how you were when I met you! We're breaking up.
That sucks, kid. But hey, life goes on.
That's it for you, Ethan! See you on the set of "Before Afternoon." I feel like visiting Venice, let's set it in Venice.
EXT. 2013 - POPE FRANCIS AND EDWARD SNOWDEN LAUNCH THEIR CONSPIRACY TO END SOCIETY
Hey guys, Patricia told me to go to school once and I did, now I'm a successful restaurant manager. Please enjoy your Pollos Hermanos.
(waking from coma)
GOOD LORD, HOW MUCH LONGER CAN IT POSSIBLY BE
EXT. 2014 - "LET IT GO" IS FROZEN INSIDE THE PUBLIC'S HEADS, THE DOG "DOGE" SWEEPS THE INTERNET AND PRESUMABLY DROWNS IN BUCKETS OF ICE WATER CHALLENGES... WHAT A COOL YEAR
ELLAR packs up for COLLEGE with PATRICIA. She bursts into TEARS.
I dunno, it’s like, this whole movie is just a checklist of moments, and every time I think a story’s about to happen, we skip ahead! I just thought… there would be more, y’know?
Now seems like a time when I could hug you and demonstrate my development while closing our-
Oh. Well fuck you Mom. Thanks for paying for my degree in an oversaturated field!
INT. NEW ADULT UNIVERSITY
ELLAR prepares to end his boyhood at the momentous, naturally closing note of-
You've never seen me! Have drugs I stuff in your mouth!
Let's blow off our orientation! Eat pot brownies!
This is such a school of rock!
They wander around and act OBNOXIOUS.
You're on the cusp of a grand new journey. It's time for your last observations on life, love, and the world, before the end.
It's... it's always right now!
For some reason, it's always now until it's later!
...I learned that from Calvin and Hobbes. In 1994.
(doing more drugs)
What, did you want something profound?
Well, yes, see, I have a monologue about how we perceive moments against our-
-Because everything I've done indicates I'm going to end up another drunk asshole! I blow off responsibility! I spend most of my free time on substances! My potential job market is overcrowded! You think it's an accident this is the last way you're going to see me? You think I listened to those warnings from my parents about birth control? Hate to tell ya, Random Girl, but we are CLEARLY having blackout sex. Tonight.
But... it was TWELVE YEARS, man!
You know why everyone's enamored with this movie? Because you can look at it and see whatever you want. Your own life, your kid's life, coming-of-age, bunch of shorts, delayed gratification exercise, ETC... everyone stares at it trying to get SOMETHING AMAZING, and they automatically love it!
For example, I use this movie to fathom the mysteries of human aging, since I look like I haven't aged in two decades.
Oh shut up. Stop inserting your personal life all over this story.
Hey, did you insert yourself all over this script, too? Why does it have all the names of your-
Yes, I'd like to thank the Academy for my nice, well-deserved Oscar, rewarding pure perseverance and vision over, say, some whiny meta arthouse drama nobody will remember after a few years.