Blood Diamond: The Abridged Script
By: Rod Hilton on Jul 7th, 2007 | Movie Rating: 
FADE IN:
EXT. SIERRA LEONE
DJIMON HOUNSOU’S village is raided by RUF GUERILLAS headed by DAVID HAREWOOD. They kidnap DJIMON and make him LOOK FOR DIAMONDS.
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Holy crap, I just found a huge diamond! I need to hide this in a random, unidentifiable spot in the ground so that I can come back and find it later somehow.
DAVID HAREWOOD
I would normally kill you for this, but through a series of comically serendipitous occurrences I’ll let you get away with it.
DJIMON and DAVID wind up in prison with diamond smuggler LEONARDO DICAPRIO.
DAVID HAREWOOD
Djimon has a huge diamond worth millions. I’ll pay the first person to get it from him.
PRISONERS
Money? We desperately need that!
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Um, I don’t have it. That dude is lying.
PRISONERS
Oh. Well, nevermind then. Good thing you denied having the diamond, we almost killed you over nothing. Gosh.
LEONARDO, however, sees through this clever ruse and arranges for he and DJIMON to be released.
Meanwhile, just to make sure that no social issue is left untouched, DJIMON’S SON is recruited and trained by RUF and the rest of his family winds up in a refugee camp.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Hey, let’s team up and get your diamond. You can be my sidekick.
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Sidekick? I’m the main character. You’re MY sidekick. The movie storyline centers around me. It’s my kid that gets kidnapped, and my family in the camp.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Then how come I got Oscar nomination for Best Lead Actor while you only got one for Best Supporting Actor?
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Because the academy is ridiculously fucking racist and nobody seems to notice.
The two of them move from action sequence to action sequence.
DJIMON HOUNSOU
What’s with all the action? I thought this was supposed to be a serious political thriller.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
It is. Even though it’s structured exactly like any other corny action movie, it’s about something political. That makes it an oscar-worthy drama.
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Er, but the villain wears an eyepatch. Seriously.
Eventually they meet up with JENNIFER CONNELLY.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Hey, a character representing western naivete. Let’s have a snarky conversation that neatly summarizes the political history of the conflict-diamond trade.
JENNIFER CONNELLY
Fine, but only if you don’t use that stupid accent.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Fine. Anyway, Djimon needs my help to sell a diamond and your help getting to it.
JENNIFER CONNELLY
Why does he need our help? Isn’t it kind of racist to have the black guy being led by white people?
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
It could be worse. Our director’s last movie was about Japanese Samurai needing to be led by a white American drunk.
CONNELLY transparently gives the writers a mouthpiece for various social messages and occasionally she takes pictures of things.
JENNIFER CONNELLY
God my job is frustrating!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Because your only purpose is rattling off statistics and history lessons about conflict diamonds?
JENNIFER CONNELLY
No, because I want to show my readers in America what the diamond business is about but all I can do is photograph African people being sad.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Maybe you should make a fictional movie starring an attractive male actor from a movie that was extremely popular with women in the age group currently on the market for diamond rings.
Eventually LEONARDO and DJIMON make their way to the diamond and attempt to escape from AFRICA, but LEONARDO is shot!
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Damn! Djimon, you take the diamond without me. Sell it and save your family.
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Wow, you’ve really changed from the despicable bastard you were when the movie began. What compelling character drama.
LEONARDO DICAPRIO
Not really. My plan was to double cross you at the last second and the only thing that prevented that was me getting shot. I stopped being a jerk only because I stopped existing.
(dies)
DJIMON gets out of AFRICA and testifies before a bunch of government-types.
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Finally, I have a chance to speak out! The African perspective can be heard!
As DJIMON begins to speak, dramatic music swells and drowns him out entirely.
DJIMON HOUNSOU
What the FUCK?
EPILOGUE
There are still many blood diamonds in the world. It’s the responsibility of consumers to make sure their diamonds are conflict-free.
AUDIENCE
Yeah! I’m going to do the responsible thing and ask next time I buy a diamond!
INT. JEWELRY STORE
AUDIENCE
Hey, is this diamond conflict-free?
DIAMOND SALESMAN
Pfft, how the fuck should I know?
AUDIENCE
Good enough for me, I’ll take it!
END
Pretty good script, Rod. I enjoyed the parts about Djimon being overshadowed by Leonardo DiCaprio and then later the dramatic music…really funny stuff. And the last little bit was hilarious too.
Keep ‘em coming!
July 7th, 2007 at 2:35 pmHilarious, as most of your work, Rod.
July 8th, 2007 at 12:37 amLoved the script, especially the ending. Yeah, I always thought this movie looked like any other third world explodie fest. I thought, what’s with all the fucking Oscar nominations. That’s bullshit.
July 8th, 2007 at 5:07 amGood Stuff. Loved the ‘Last Samurai’ innuendo among other things. So how about doing ‘Knocked Up’ or ‘Transformers’
July 8th, 2007 at 12:50 pmCheers Mate!
Nice. I like the ending; the usual quality humor.
July 8th, 2007 at 6:49 pmThe Audience always has some great dialog, this one included. Nicely done.
July 8th, 2007 at 9:27 pmwhere did your rating for the movie go? anyway I hated blood dimond “where is my son!” dramatically shakes fence.
July 8th, 2007 at 11:48 pmLoldongs!
July 9th, 2007 at 12:36 amGood stuff about The Academy. It’s actually funny for me to watch them desperately trying to hand out Oscars and Oscar nominations to any black actor or actress who hands in a halfway decent acting performance.
Now stop writing scripts and get back to work on the site.
July 9th, 2007 at 7:39 amwasn’t you’re best but im glad you’re updating
July 9th, 2007 at 9:17 amWere you bitter when writing this? It’s funny though because it’s true, all of it. But anyone who watches The Academy is either ghey or female.
July 9th, 2007 at 10:52 am4 stars, as always.
Keep up the great work!
July 9th, 2007 at 4:02 pmNever seen this movie, and now, I dont have to! Thats why this site exists!!
July 9th, 2007 at 4:47 pmProbably female, since most of the crap they think is good is some retarded ass racist political crap like blood diamond. the main thing i like about these reviews is that they usually give me a different insight on the movie.
July 10th, 2007 at 12:59 amYou’re such an asshole, Rod. Love the site, and glad you’re posting a little more often.
July 10th, 2007 at 5:30 pmBrilliant as always, Rod! My favorite part was the reference to Titanic. And it really is difficult to tell whether a diamond is conflict-free. They explained in the movie how easily the “bloody” ones get mixed in with the rest…and I guarantee that some stupid people will walk into Kay Jewelers and ask for conflict-free.
July 11th, 2007 at 4:47 amI did actually love the movie but you pretty much pointed out all the ironic discrepancies within it that didn’t make sense. Top-notch work as ever.
July 12th, 2007 at 7:32 am“all I can do is photograph African peple being sad” - good work my friend.
I await your Die Hardest review with giddy anticipation.
Keep up the good work.
July 17th, 2007 at 2:24 pmPlease do Spider-Man 3, its crying out for an abridged script.
July 18th, 2007 at 7:39 amOMG I totally agree do Spider Man 3, this was soooo funny. I liked the part how they make the black guy be the sidekick
July 21st, 2007 at 12:45 pmGoddamn, I never noticed that about the Academy. It’s not even just blacks and such, either. I remember wondering where Prochnow’s nomination was for Das Boot, and a lot of push for Greenwood after Thirteen Days. He’s a Canuck, if you didn’t know.
Not that it matters. The Academy has always been a bunch of pretentious asswipes. Great script as always. You really know how to eviscerate something.
August 5th, 2007 at 3:46 pmaw man, u sure know how to rip a movie to shreds. damn good. just can’t get enough of this site, u know!
September 5th, 2007 at 1:17 amLeonardo WAS the in the leading role, he has the most screentime and everything happened because of him, he was the forse driving the plot forward while Djimon’s character was more of a bystander. He was supporting.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:32 amGeez man, Jennifer Connelly…
March 14th, 2008 at 9:04 pmSuch a shame that such a beautiful woman ends up acting in so many shitty movies.
Boooo. Read up on blood diamonds and child soldiers dumbass, then lets see you make a funny script out of that.
Shithouse script.
I still love you though, don’t worry.
April 8th, 2008 at 7:22 amDjimon had twice as much screentime as Leonardo. Leonardo was the white version of Sallah from Raiders and Last Crusade (even though Sallah was played by a white guy).
The Academy has had racist tendencies in the past, but this was purely political. Will Smith and Forest Whitaker were both up for Best Actor and putting Djimon up instead of one of the other white actors would have made the field 60% black and contributed to Award Show white flight to the Golden Globes^.
That and having two Best Actors from the same movie could have been harsh. Purely a political move.
April 21st, 2008 at 1:35 pm