The Blair Witch Project: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Aug 6th, 1999 |
12 Comments
| Movie: 
FADE IN:
INT. SOMEONE’S HOME
A MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE MEMBER is sitting at home, quietly enjoying watching I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.
Suddenly, ARTISAN breaks into their home and shoves THE BLAIR WITCH down their THROATS.
AUDIENCE
Mrrph!!
ARTISAN
SEE THIS MOVIE! SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT!! NOW!! IT IS CLEVER AND ORIGINAL AND LOW-BUDGET!
AUDIENCE
(nodding)
Mrrph! Mrrph!!
EXT. THE WOODS
HEATHER, JOSH, and MIKE stumble around the woods like idiots.
JOSH
We’re lost.
MIKE
We are totally fucking lost.
HEATHER
(bitchy)
We’re not lost.
(pause)
Oh shit, we’re lost.
MIKE
Maybe thats because I kicked our map into the creek. Ha ha, pretty funny, eh?
HEATHER and JOSH beat the SHIT out of MIKE until it’s dark and they need to set up camp.
AUDIENCE
I thought this was about a witch. This is just three idiots that got lost and died.
While in their tent, our GROUP hears sounds being made by the FILMMAKERS and some CHILDREN. This is quite CREEPY.
JOSH, MIKE, AND HEATHER
What the fuck was that?
(pause)
OH MY GOD! HOLY FUCK! NO!! OH GOD NO!! HELP! AHHHH!!! EEEEE!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
We are SCARED, because we assume our GROUP is. Our group finds twigs, twigs wrapped in stuff, goo, and stones. These are all very SCARY, though a bit PEDESTRIAN.
After more sounds, running, and other crap, JOSH disappears because he PAID OFF the FILMMAKERS so he could go HOME.
HEATHER
Where the fuck is Josh?
MIKE
I don’t have a fucking clue.
GEEZER CRITICS
They say fuck an awful lot.
NORMAL TEENS/COLLEGE KIDS
Yo, if I was fucking lost in the fucking woods, I’d be swearing a lot fucking more than that. They must really be holding the fuck back.
More running. Sounds. Screaming. Shaking. The AUDIENCE collectively VOMITS.
MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Where is the witch? I wanna see her, she’s hairy or something. And where the hell is the trendy alternative music? And clever pop culture references?
MIKE
I like Gilligan’s Island.
MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE MEMBERS
There ya go.
MIKE and HEATHER find a house. They enter, looking for JOSH.
HEATHER
Josh?
MIKE
Josh?
They continue looking fo
END
Lovely
September 7th, 2007 at 2:50 am“ARTISAN
SEE THIS MOVIE! SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT!! NOW!! IT IS CLEVER AND ORIGINAL AND LOW-BUDGET!
”
My memories of the late ’90s consist of nothing but commercials for Blair Witch Project and Mountain Dew.
October 25th, 2007 at 1:53 amMountain Dew!
December 27th, 2007 at 8:45 amI love the ending and how it just cuts off. Great work.
June 19th, 2008 at 9:18 amI went to see this movie with my mates… Out of a six hundred strong full house on opening night, I reckon I was the only one at all creeped out. Everyone else wanted to burn the cinema to the ground.
July 16th, 2008 at 3:11 pmwow, I am sooo glad I never watched that damn movie, even though I probably wouldn’t have thrown up from the shaky camera, I probably still would’ve been pissed as hell by it.
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:32 pmThey continue looking for Jo
December 13th, 2008 at 10:21 pmhahahahahah.
i had to watch this in my film class last year, and now everytime I watch it i laugh.
I love how you cut off at the end, because that’s exactly how i felt when the movie ended >__>
December 13th, 2008 at 10:46 pm–They continue looking fo
What did they say Candlejack or someth
December 20th, 2008 at 12:43 amlol, I stumbled on this website randomly and it’s hilarious!
Never watched blair witch project but I like how they summarized it! This is how the real critics should write movie reviews.
December 24th, 2008 at 4:38 amThey need to do a sequel with the dude from Survivorman fighting the Blair Witch for a solid hour, while also setting rabbit snares and letting us know which tree sap is safe to drink.
December 26th, 2008 at 2:26 am"The Candlejack Project" would probably be an awes
April 18th, 2010 at 7:02 pm