Paris Hilton's first homemade porno was marred by technical incompetence.


Paris Hilton's first homemade porno was marred by technical incompetence.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. SOMEONE'S HOME

A MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE MEMBER is sitting at home, quietly enjoying watching I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER.

Suddenly, ARTISAN breaks into their home and shoves THE BLAIR WITCH down their THROATS.

AUDIENCE

Mrrph!!

ARTISAN

SEE THIS MOVIE! SEE IT SEE IT SEE IT!! NOW!! IT IS CLEVER AND ORIGINAL AND LOW-BUDGET!

AUDIENCE

(nodding)

Mrrph! Mrrph!!

EXT. THE WOODS

HEATHER, JOSH, and MIKE stumble around the woods like idiots.

JOSH

We're lost.

MIKE

We are totally fucking lost.

HEATHER

(bitchy)

We're not lost.

(pause)

Oh shit, we're lost.

MIKE

Maybe thats because I kicked our map into the creek. Ha ha, pretty funny, eh?

HEATHER and JOSH beat the SHIT out of MIKE until it's dark and they need to set up camp.

AUDIENCE

I thought this was about a witch. This is just three idiots that got lost and died.

While in their tent, our GROUP hears sounds being made by the FILMMAKERS and some CHILDREN. This is quite CREEPY.

JOSH, MIKE, AND HEATHER

What the fuck was that?

(pause)

OH MY GOD! HOLY FUCK! NO!! OH GOD NO!! HELP! AHHHH!!! EEEEE!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

We are SCARED, because we assume our GROUP is. Our group finds twigs, twigs wrapped in stuff, goo, and stones. These are all very SCARY, though a bit PEDESTRIAN.

After more sounds, running, and other crap, JOSH disappears because he PAID OFF the FILMMAKERS so he could go HOME.

HEATHER

Where the fuck is Josh?

MIKE

I don't have a fucking clue.

GEEZER CRITICS

They say fuck an awful lot.

NORMAL TEENS/COLLEGE KIDS

Yo, if I was fucking lost in the fucking woods, I'd be swearing a lot fucking more than that. They must really be holding the fuck back.

More running. Sounds. Screaming. Shaking. The AUDIENCE collectively VOMITS.

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Where is the witch? I wanna see her, she's hairy or something. And where the hell is the trendy alternative music? And clever pop culture references?

MIKE

I like Gilligan's Island.

MAINSTREAM AUDIENCE MEMBERS

There ya go.

MIKE and HEATHER find a house. They enter, looking for JOSH.

HEATHER

Josh?

MIKE

Josh?

They continue looking fo

END


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