"I'm starting an Etsy shop - what would you pay for a mossy stickman?"


"I'm starting an Etsy shop - what would you pay for a mossy stickman?"

BLAIR WITCH

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE'S APARTMENT

A YOUTUBE VIDEO plays on a computer: Someone is running up a flight of stairs in a giant creepy mansion. A conveniently-placed mirror reveals that it's A PALE WOMAN with a MUDDY FACE and LONG BROWN HAIR.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

I'm pretty sure that's my sister, Heather Donahue.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

How can you tell? That could be anyone. Is it clear what I'm saying? Literally any pale-skinned woman with long brown hair could be the person on that video.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Still, I think it's more than enough evidence to warrant taking a group of people into the same woods where my sister and her friends mysteriously disappeared.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Sounds great, I need a project for my film class anyway, and it's not like the last people to do this wound up having the teeth torn out of their heads and stuffed into bundles of sticks! Now hold the camera and film me while I record some narration.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Any particular reason why you need video of that?

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

It's important to establish that I have pale skin and long brown hair as early as possible so there's no danger of anyone being surprised by the twist later.

INT. A BAR

CALLIE hands EAR-CLIP CAMERAS to JAMES, his friend BRANDON SCOTT, and Brandon's girlfriend CORBIN REID.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

So these pinhole cameras will film your exact eyeline in 4K, capture studio-quality audio, and can record continuously for up to a week on their microscopic memory cards.

BRANDON SCOTT

Did you buy these in the future?

CORBIN REID

No, she must have salvaged them from a crashed spaceship.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Actually, they were willed into existence by the collective frustration of thousands of nerds complaining about recording logic in found footage movies.

INT. RUNDOWN HOUSE

The group meets WES ROBINSON and VALORIE CURRY.

VALORIE CURRY

We're the couple who found the mysterious tape and uploaded it to YouTube. I'm quiet and sorta gothy!

WES ROBINSON

And I'm a super sketchy guy who's way too into the Blair Witch for my future to possibly look bright. It's essentially the part that Jeffrey Donovan played in Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows.

BRANDON SCOTT

I missed that one.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

You're in good company.

CORBIN REID

Hey, I can't help but notice that giant confederate flag on the wall - you're not going to have a problem going camping with a black couple, are you?

VALORIE CURRY

Not in the least! In fact, we're going to be unfailingly polite while Brandon spends the next half hour being an asshole to us for no reason whatsoever! It's almost like there was no reason to suggest a racial subtext at all!

BRANDON SCOTT

Then why the confederate flag?

VALORIE CURRY

It was here when we moved in.

CORBIN REID

And you didn't take it down because...

WES ROBINSON

It's a load-bearing flag.

EXT. THE WOODS

All six of them head INTO THE WOODS.

BRANDON SCOTT

So we're just going to go walking into the woods and hope we stumble across the house from the end of Blair Witch Project?

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

That's the plan!

CORBIN REID

Only a very charitable person could call that a 'plan'. Why do you think we'll have any more luck than the hundreds of people who failed to find it while searching for your sister twenty years ago?

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

We have GPS!

BRANDON SCOTT

If you don't know where you're going, GPS can only tell you where you are.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

We also have a drone that can fly about ten feet over the treetops - that should make it easy to find a house somewhere in a million acres of forest!

CORBIN REID

Have neither of you heard of Google Earth? What do you think a drone can see that a satellite can't? Also, you can use the satellite lying on a couch in your underwear instead of having to schlep out into the middle of the forest.

EXT. A RIVER

The group takes off their boots and wades across the river. CORBIN steps on something sharp and opens a THREE-INCH GASH in the sole of her foot.

CORBIN REID

How am I supposed to walk on this?

VALORIE CURRY

Damn, too bad you didn't get a relatively minor injury that could worsen and sideline you later, rather than one so obviously serious that it makes it completely implausible that any of us would want to force you continue hiking for another five hours.

CORBIN REID

Yeah, like a cut in the side of my leg, for example.

WES ROBINSON

Yup, that would have been perfect. Anyhow, let's all get moving again!

CORBIN walks along with them, and despite the fact that her foot is CUT, every step she takes her leg makes the sound of SNAPPING TWIGS and GRINDING ROCKS.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Did someone tell the foley artist Corbin broke a bone?

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

And that her bones were made of firecrackers?

EXT. CAMP

That night everything is eerily silent until SOMETHING JUMPS RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA MAKING A LOUD SCREECH!

But it turns out to just be one of the other characters going to the bathroom.

It happens SIX MORE TIMES.

In the morning, everyone awakes to discover BLAIR WITCH STICK FIGURES hanging all around the camp.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Okay, time to head home. Obviously the witch isn't psyched about us being here.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

But we haven't found her house yet!

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

And we're not going to unless the witch traps us in the woods and kills a few of us off. Have you not seen the Blair Witch Project?

BRANDON SCOTT

Actually, isn't it a little weird that none of us were particularly worried about getting murdered if we went into the woods? Ignoring the dire events of the first film in this one is like watching Grizzly Man and coming away with the message that hiking in bear country is a great idea.

Just then, they notice a BALL OF TWINE sticking out of WES' backpack!

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

You faked the stick figures? How could you betray us like that?

WES ROBINSON

Okay, so I made an unoriginal copy of the Blair Witch's figure to try and make it relevant again! Isn't it a little hypocritical for you to get mad at me for doing that, since that's why we're all out here?

BRANDON SCOTT

You want hypocritical? How about we send you two off into the woods on your own without a map, compass, or any idea where you are?

VALORIE CURRY

That's not hypocricy, that's manslaughter.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Well, either way, enjoy the 'getting lost in the woods' part of the story!

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

You'll be the first!

VALORIE and WES run off into the woods.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

I don't get why he left the twine sticking out of an open pocket in his backpack. It's almost like he wanted to get caught.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Of course he did - otherwise there would have been no conflict whatsoever in the first hour of the movie, other than people jumping in front of cameras and yelling.

After walking for hours they wind up back at their camp and decide to stay, since they're getting pretty tired of the sound of THUNDERCLAPS every time CORBIN takes a step.

CORBIN REID

Hey, Brandon honey, could you look at the cut on my foot? I feel like it's getting worse.

BRANDON SCOTT

No problem!

BRANDON checks CORBIN's injured foot and finds that it's become infested with CROENENBERGIAN BODY HORROR.

BRANDON SCOTT

I probably shouldn't mention this to anyone. Instead, I'll just go wander off into the woods alone.

He does. Then a tree falls on him.

BRANDON SCOTT

(dying)

A tree...? Is the Blair Witch a lumberjack? Does she have beavers on her payroll?

Back at the tent, CORBIN examines her wound, which has migrated to her upper calf, where it really should have been in the first place, but better late than never.

CORBIN REID

Okay, now that is a lot of pus. Instead of yelling for James, a paramedic who is maybe twenty feet away, I think I'll poke at it a few more times.

Corbin does this, and winds up pulling a FOOT-LONG ALIEN CENTIPEDE out of her leg.

CORBIN REID

Yay! Now I also have a bizarre secret I can inexplicably keep to myself!

WES and VALORIE come running out of the woods, looking terrible.

WES ROBINSON

How are you still fine? We've been lost in the woods for five days!

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

No, it just feels that way because nothing is happening in the story!

WES ROBINSON

Whatever, I'm out of here!

WES runs off while VALORIE picks up a STICK FIGURE that's been tied together with her hair.

VALORIE CURRY

Wait, how did the Blair Witch get my hair? I feel like I would notice if I was missing enough of it to tie a stick figure together.

CORBIN REID

Stop playing with that!

CORBIN grabs the figure and snaps it in two which has the effect of snapping VALORIE in half the exact same way.

CORBIN REID

So in addition to stopping time and planting monster eggs in people, now the Witch can make voodoo dolls? This doesn't make sense!

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Monster eggs? When did that happen?

Distraught, Corbin runs off into the dark woods during a MONSOON.

CORBIN REID

Look! Up there in the tree, it's the drone we lost! If I can just get to it I'll be saved! I mean, sure, I'm physically messed up, so I obviously don't have the strength or coordination to climb a tree. Also, even if I manage to grab the drone, it's not actually capable of flying in rain or high winds, and even if it could, it's pitch black out, and I wouldn't be able to see anything! So, having carefully weighed all the factors, up I go!

Somehow she makes it up to the drone, but as she reaches for it she loses her balance and falls out of the STUPID TREE, hitting every branch on the way down.

CORBIN REID

(dying)

Not again...

BLAIR WITCH

Do I even get credit for this death?

Back at the camp, JAMES and CALLIE ponder their next move.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

You know, for a Blair Witch movie, all our camerawork has been remarkably restrained.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Yeah, almost no shaky-cam. And I've got to say, I don't miss it.

BLAIR WITCH

I do!

So she TURNS OFF GRAVITY, which is apparently another one of her powers, and all of the tents go flying into the sky.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Let's run wildly into the dark woods!

They do, shaking their cameras so violently that it sends people running out of the theatre! The scariest part is that we're too far into the film for them to be able to get a refund!

JAMES and CALLIE wind up at the Blair Witch's palatial estate!

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Heather must be inside! And I'm sure she'll know who I am right away, even though I was three years old when she disappeared, and she's been held hostage by an evil witch for twenty years.

He runs inside.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

This is obviously a trap. There's no way I'm going in.

Then CALLIE sees the BLAIR WITCH - a NAKED WOMAN with super-long arms and legs - heading for her!

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

On second thought...

INT. STATELY BLAIR MANOR

CALLIE runs into the house, down into the basement, then crawls through a hole slightly smaller than she is.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Okay, I just have to keep this second camera with its blindingly bright light pointed straight at my face - I won't be able to see where I'm going, but the audience will be able to see me, so it all balances out!

AUDIENCE

That makes no sense.

Finally she climbs out of the tunnel, and finds herself attacked by CAVEMAN WES, who has a couple of months worth of hair and beard growth.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

What are you doing here?

WES ROBINSON

The Witch will let me go if I kill people for her!

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

So that you can immediately be arrested and spend the rest of your life in jail for killing all of us?

WES ROBINSON

Oh, yeah, that's what happened to the last guy who worked for her, isn't it? You'd think that I, a self-professed Blair Witch expert would have remembered that.

While he's distracted by his own stupidity, CALLIE grabs a knife and stabs WES to death.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Okay, now I'll just find James and we can get out of here!

But the Blair Witch is waiting for her, and chases her up a flight of stairs, where the camera catches a glimpse of her LONG BROWN HAIR, PALE SKIN and MUDDY FACE!

BLAIR WITCH

That's right! After I kill the two of them I'm going to send this footage months back into the past because I can do that now! At this point in the story I'm essentially a GOD!

CALLIE runs through a door and finds JAMES!

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

The Blair Witch just chased me up a flight of stairs!

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Don't worry, as long as we don't look at her, she can't hurt us.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Are you sure she operates under Indiana Jones rules? Because I looked at her a bunch of times just a minute ago, and I'm fine.

WRITER SIMON BARRETT steps out of the shadows.

WRITER SIMON BARRETT

Actually, that wasn't the Blair Witch, just a person the Blair Witch turned into a mutant monster enforcer to scare people into her house. Kind of a giant hairless border collie.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Since when can the Blair Witch turn people into monsters?

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Also, don't you think it's a little weird to go out of your way to establish a new backstory for the Blair Witch in which she had her arms and legs massively stretched, then later you have a monster show up that looks exactly like a naked woman with hugely stretched-out arms and legs, but then claim that she's not the Blair Witch?

WRITER SIMON BARRETT

No, it makes perfect sense because- HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!

WRITER SIMON BARRETT points at the window, where a BLINDINGLY BRIGHT LIGHT appears, hovers for a moment, then flies up into the night sky.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Wait, is the Blair Witch an alien?

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Or maybe the aliens are her enemies, or they're just observing the situation?

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?! EXPLAIN YOURSELF, WRITER SIMON BARRETT!

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Damn, he ran off while we were blinded by the light.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Huh, maybe he's not such an idiot after all.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Quick, let's get in the corner!

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Right, right, Indiana Jones rules. Um, James, why are you so sure this will work?

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

Standing in the corner is how Mike survived the first movie, right?

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

You might not be remembering that correctly.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

You know what? I'll just ask Heather what the rules are - she's been whispering in my ear this whole time.

James turns away from the corner and DISAPPEARS.

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Well, that's just great. I guess I'll try to slowly back out of the house by holding the camera aimed over my shoulder, and looking at the viewscreen? Of course, the rules of this situation have been so poorly explained that I have no reason to believe that seeing the Blair Witch on a viewscreen wouldn't be fatal. And even if it's not, now that I'm out of the corner, she can just pop up in front of me. My best choice would probably be to keep my face against the wall and slowly walk out sideways, but even if I try that, the witch can just send another one of her slave monsters to just grab me and make me look at her.

Seeing an opening, the BLAIR WITCH presses PLAY on a tape recorder.

JAMES ALLEN MCCUNE

(from the tape recorder)

Since when can the Blair Witch turn people into monsters?

CALLIE HERNANDEZ

Exactly my point! None of this makes any-

CALLIE turns to look at JAMES and DISAPPEARS, letting the camera drop to the floor. It lands right next to HEATHER's CAMERA.

END

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