The Abridged Script
INT. VAMPIRE CLUB - NIGHT
Loud techno music from the trailer blares. Loudly.
BUY ME!! BUY ME PLEASE!! ARRGHH!!
Hey, uh, what are we doing at this place? And why is there blood all over? And why are you about to bite my neck? And.. hey! You're not Traci Lords! YOU'RE MARV ALBERT! AIYEE!!
Not so fast.
The loud techno music, which manages to coincide exactly with the events in the club, gets louder and extremely kickin'.
FOR THE LOVE OF HUMANITY, BUY ME!
WESLEY proceeds to kick some serious vampire ass. When hit, or even touched, or even looked at crossly, they disintegrate into a massive pile of CGI graphics.
I've killed you hundreds of times, but for some reason, you keep returning. Why you don't turn into CGI is beyond me, but this time, I think I'll try something I haven't tried before. FIRE.
Wesley sets the place ablaze.
INT. CORONER'S OFFICE - NIGHT
I am an expert in blood.
DONAL LOGUE, who is charred, suddenly stands up and bites N'BUSHE. WESLEY is close, but doesn't prevent it in order to create a dramatic entrance. His overcoat flaps behind him. Dramatically.
WESLEY shoots DONAL into a pile of SHIT and begins to leave. Suddenly, he notices N'BUSHE. He pauses, wondering how to pronounce N'BUSHE.
I better take you with me, otherwise we won't have any way to explain the plot.
INT. BLADE'S HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
Thanks for patching me up and all.
Yes. No problem. Uh, hey. Did you know that Blade has his powers because his mother was bitten when she had him? She died and he is avenging her death by killing vampires. Also, he needs blood and time is running out before he becomes so much a vampire that he can't resist. Also, you were bitten and will become a vampire shortly. Did I miss anything?
Nope. But hey, I found a cure for my problem and will be able to find one for Blade. Also, I found a serum that makes vampires explode in a massive CGI orgy.
I'm going to Vampire Headquarters. Come with me so I can explain more plot and have someone to rescue when you get captured.
INT. VAMPIRE HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT
She gets CAPTURED. And then RESCUED. STEPHEN DORFF organizes a large ritual to some kind of god. This involves placing numerous VAMPIRES and HENCHMEN at strategic points in a room to make fight sequences easier.
BIG BLOBBY FAT THING
What the hell am I doing here anyway?
The BLOBBY FAT THING is burned to a crisp. WESLEY SNIPES drops in from the roof.
Thought I'd... drop in. Fuckers.
GET HIM, TRACI!
TRACI LORDS, who has clothes on, attacks WESLEY.
Not so fast. Bitch.
N'BUSHE, overcoming the odds, kills TRACI LORDS. Her clothes, despite her death, remain on. Eventually, all of the bad guys are gone excluding STEPHEN DORFF and DONAL LOGUE.
I'm still here! I can keep coming back forever! Ha ha ha!
Not if I can help it.
WESLEY decapitates the SPECIAL EFFECTS TEAM.
Just you and me now, Blade.
WESLEY SNIPES looks around himself, very confused.
WESLEY kneels down, until he is at eye level with STEPHEN.
YOU!? You are what I have been trying to kill all my life? You're the big antagonist? You're about as big as my tricep!! What the fuck?
Hey! I'm threatening! I have beard stubble, really white skin, a creepy haircut, AND vacant eyes!
Man, this is depressing. All my life I've been waiting to meet my mothers killer and destroy him. And it's Michael J. Fox with fangs.
You fucker! I'll beat the hell out of your kneecaps!
WESLEY bends over and inserts a few serum needles into STEPHEN'S skull. He EXPLODES.
Well, it's all over now, Blade. Want that cure for being a vampire?
Nah. I must be off now. I have a war to fight. Goodbye, Karen. See ya in the sequel.
INT. MOSCOW - NIGHT
So.... what the fuck am I doing in Moscow, anyway?
CUE: Techno music