"Good thing our sense of smell isn't enhanced, or this would be disgu... oh, wait."


"Good thing our sense of smell isn't enhanced, or this would be disgu... oh, wait."

BLADE 2

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

WESLEY SNIPES (V/O)

I am Blade, the Daywalker. As you may remember from the first movie, I have vampiric strengths but not weaknesses, because nothing says 'hero' like having an unfair advantage.

(pause)

You may also remember that Kris Kristofferson got killed off. I will now spend a good quarter hour furiously explaining how he's actually not dead after all, which requires retconning so convoluted that our entire narrative now has its head firmly wedged up its own ass. While doing so, not one single word will be spent explaining what happened to the female companion from the first movie, who didn't die.

Suddenly VAMPIRES appear. They FIGHT! WESLEY kills all but one.

WESLEY SNIPES

Take me to Kris Kristofferson.

SCHMUCKY VAMPIRE

Okay, he's over there, all of ten feet away. Did you really need my help for that?

WESLEY SNIPES

No, I needed your help to create the first half of a horribly lame framing device. Now I will let you go, for some reason.

INT. BLADE'S HIDEOUT

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

Thanks, Wes. Although I'd already become a vampire, spending some time alone allowed me to turn back human again, for some reason.

NORMAN REEDUS

Hey there Wesley! I'm your zany new sidekick, who's younger than Kris. Of course, so is 98% of the Planet Earth. I will be your Donal Logue for this movie.

Suddenly VAMPIRES appear. They FIGHT!

LEONOR VARELA

Wait! We seek a truce. There are even worse vampires than us now. Help us destroy them!

WESLEY SNIPES

And who are you?

RON PERLMAN

We're an elite vampire squad that's been specifically trained to be better fighters than you. So naturally we now want you to lead us into battle, for some reason.

WESLEY SNIPES

Hmm, very well. I accept, but since you're all pure evil I'll stick a bomb to the back of Ron's head, as insurance.

LEONOR VARELA

Actually, my hotness means I'm also essentially good. We won't dwell on this though, since the possibility of good vampires could mean that your previous no-questions-asked vampire killfests make you less of a hero, and more of a mass murderer.

WESLEY SNIPES

Okay.

INT. VAMPIRE CLUB

WESLEY and his BLOODPACK arrive. Suddenly NEW VAMPIRES appear. They FIGHT!

MATT SCHULZE

Arrgh, I have been bitten by a new vamp! In time-honoured movie tradition, though, I will not reveal my impending transformation to anyone, even this useless redhaired chick that I seem to have some kind of bond with.

MARIT VELLE KILE

I really am quite useless. Why am I even on this elite squad?

The AUDIENCE promptly FORGETS all about these characters.

INT. BACK AT BLADE'S HIDEOUT

WESLEY SNIPES

Hmph, that last fight didn't go so well for us.

NORMAN REEDUS

Maybe this will help. I've created fancy new ultraviolet bombs that can vaporize massive amounts of vampires in all directions.

WESLEY SNIPES

That's great news! Heck, with these I hardly need any other weapons at all. In fact I should probably destroy these evil vampires I've teamed up with right this minute, since they've served their flimsy purpose of "getting me deeper than I've ever been" and will inevitably turn against me, but I won't, for some reason.

NORMAN REEDUS

And keep an eye on Kris, I think he might have gone evil.

WESLEY SNIPES

I'm just not going to take any steps in the event of any possibility of anything.

INT. SEWERS

LEONOR VARELA

It's a good thing we decided to check the sewers. I'd hate for this to be the only leather-clad action-vampire movie ever made that didn't have a sewer fight in it.

RON PERLMAN

You know, given we're all carrying these insta-death UV bombs, we should probably have covered up our heads along with the rest of us. We could even have used the cool full-body suits we wore earlier in the movie, but we won't, for some reason.

Suddenly NEW VAMPS jump out. They FIGHT! WESLEY defeats them, but he is then BETRAYED and CAPTURED by the REGULAR VAMPIRES.

INT. VAMPIRE FORTRESS

RON PERLMAN

Behold, Wesley, we've captured you AND your sidekicks. Chortle, gloat.

WESLEY SNIPES

I guess it's time to explode that bomb on your head, then.

He tries, but NOTHING HAPPENS!! OH NO!! RON removes the bomb and throws it to NORMAN REEDUS.

NORMAN REEDUS

Surprise, I'm actually evil! I made you a fake bomb!

WESLEY SNIPES

Actually it turns out I've always known you were evil, and the bomb is real. And even though this means that TWENTY SECONDS AGO I could have KILLED RON PERLMAN, a FAR MORE DANGEROUS FOE than you, I will now KILL YOU INSTEAD, FOR SOME REASON!!

He DOES so.

NORMAN REEDUS

(exploding)

Kablooey!!

RON PERLMAN

Wow, lucky for me the script is so shitty. Anyway, it's time to do the scene where we impale Wesley on stuff, like in the first movie, except lamer.

WESLEY SNIPES gets IMPALED on stuff, while RON takes KRIS to another room.

RON PERLMAN

All right, Kris. I have a hunch you know what this mysterious "reason" is that keeps making us do shit that makes no fucking sense. Tell me what it is or you die!

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

Um, it's right behind you. Have a look!

RON PERLMAN

Okay.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

(kicks Ron in the nuts)

FIRE DOWN BELOOWWW!

KRIS somehow BEATS UP RON PERLMAN, who is vastly stronger, and then LEAVES HIM UNCONSCIOUS, even though KRIS is holding BLADE'S SWORD and could easily KILL HIM, for some reason. Then he heroically SHOOTS a bad-guy human who has no powers, from behind cover. Then, finally, he frees WESLEY.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

C'mon, Wes! It's time to stop letting Ron Perlman live and actually kill him now.

WESLEY SNIPES

Okay.

WESLEY has a BIG-ASS FIGHT with RON PERLMAN that ends essentially the same way as EWAN MCGREGOR'S FIGHT with DARTH MAUL, with the bad guy STARING LIKE AN IDIOT while something FLIES LAZILY THROUGH THE AIR and UTTERLY NEGLECTING TO DEFEND HIMSELF IN ANY WAY and WATCHING HIMSELF GET SLICED IN HALF, and it feels JUST AS GODDAMN PATHETIC this time around.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

Good job! Now take your sunglasses and go defeat the head of the new vampires!

WESLEY SNIPES

Okay.

WESLEY has a JENNIFER-LOPEZ-SIZED-ASS FIGHT with the HEAD NEW VAMPIRE. He WINS! Sadly, however, LEONOR VARELA has allowed herself to become infected.

LEONOR VARELA

(weakly)

Listen to me, Wesley. I want to die as a regular vampire, even though five minutes ago I chose to die as a new vampire, for some reason.

WESLEY SNIPES

Okay.

WESLEY SNIPES carries her out to the SUNRISE. But instead of dying horribly the way EVERY OTHER SINGLE LAST VAMPIRE FOR THE LAST TWO MOVIES has, she dies CUTELY, for some reason.

KRIS KRISTOFFERSON

Well, there's another satisfying adventure completed.

(pause)

I am so fucking old.

INT. RANDOM SEX HOUSE – LATER ON

SCHMUCKY VAMPIRE

Hey, I'm still alive!

WESLEY SNIPES

(appearing)

Only because I let you go. You see, even though you've undoubtedly slaughtered dozens of innocent people since then, which is my fault, this completes our framing device and makes me look good, which is really much more important.

SCHMUCKY VAMPIRE

(realization dawning over his face)

Wait a minute... trying to make Wesley Snipes look good.... THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE REASO....

WESLEY SNIPES KILLS him!

CUE: ROCK MUSIC

END

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