Come on guys, you're not even trying with this Ninja Turtles cosplay.


Come on guys, you're not even trying with this Ninja Turtles cosplay.

BIRD BOX

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. NOT A QUIET PLACE

A BOY and GIRL, whose character names are BOY and GIRL, are getting chewed the fuck out by MICHAEL JACKSON’s reanimated corpse SANDRA BULLOCK.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Alright listen up you little shits. For 5 years humans have been under attack by creatures that make you kill yourself if you look at them.

BOY

So The Happening?

SANDRA BULLOCK

If we’re talking in terms of quality, then yes.

GIRL

So what’s the title mean?

SANDRA BULLOCK

When the creatures are around the pet birds we have in this box they go apeshit, except when they don’t. Luckily these evil creatures can’t touch us or open doors or break windows so we’re totally safe if we stay in doors.

(checks fridge)

Shit, you little cunts ate all the food so we have to go someplace else down a river blindfolded so we don’t get suicided. If you talk I will kill you. If you get scared I will kill you. If you take off your blindfold I will leave you to die.

BOY

And YOU’RE the main character we’re supposed to root for?

GIRL

Already I want to see these suicide monsters just to get away from you.

INT. SANDRA’S PITY PARTY APARTMENT (BEFORE THE HAPPENING) - 5 YEARS AGO

SANDRA is a very pregnant artist living with SARAH PAULSON.

SARAH PAULSON

Say have you seen this news report about all the people committing suicide?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Nope, too busy being pregnant and painting while pregnant and pregnant painting. Now let’s argue about our mother.

SARAH PAULSON

Our mother? Holy shit, we’re sisters? I thought we were a couple! Why are you living with me instead of the baby’s father?

SANDRA BULLOCK

I’m a strong independent woman who needs no man, especially since I have family to leech off of.

INT. HOSPITAL

SANDRA and SARAH walk past dozens and dozens of RED FLAGS waving in their faces and get an ultrasound.

DOCTOR

Congratulations Sandra at being a mother for the first time at the tender age of HOLY SHIT YOU’RE 54?! The only thing that should be growing in your womb are cobwebs, not a person!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Hey! I still look marginally good for my age! Besides I could be playing a younger woman!

DOCTOR

Those 18 layers of makeup you’re wearing say otherwise! Go head, wipe your face, tell me you’re not going to look like the Crypt Keeper.

SANDRA and SARAH leave the hospital just as THE HAPPENING starts HAPPENING.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Alright Sarah, I’ll conveniently look away while you see one of the death creatures and kill yourself.

SARAH PAULSON

Got it.

(is Final Destination’d)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Now would be a good time to react to this shocking death but I can’t move my face muscles so I’ll skip that and take refuge in this nearby house where all the main characters are at.

INT. HOUSE WHERE ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE AT

BD WONG

This house belongs to me. That’s my only character trait.

JOHN MALKODICK

My wife just killed herself after trying to help Sandra so I’m going to be a major first class dickwad the entire film.

(gives everyone the finger)

(drinks the last of the milk and puts the empty carton back in the fridge)

(doesn’t say God Bless you after someone sneezes)

Damn I'm an asshole.

LIL REL HOWERY

I was in Get Out. That is literally the only reason I was cast.

MACHINE GUN KELLY

(douchebag)

HOT COP GIRL

I’m hot and a cop who specializes in being a cop and hot!

TREVANTE RHODES

I’m a young handsome stud who has a fetish for pregnant 50 year old women.

(blows sweet kisses at Sandra)

OLD WOMAN

And I’m a human!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Great, so let’s figure out what’s going on. I’m sure it’ll take us hours, if not days to stumble on the correct--

LIL REL HOWERY

It’s spirit demons from ancient mythology. They make you see your greatest fear and break your brain causing you to kill yourself.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Oh. I guess that didn’t take very long at all. But how do we know for sure? We need to test this theory out. Hey BD, why don’t you stare at these security monitors and see what--

BD WONG

(sees creatures)

(lightly taps head on table)

(dies)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Well that solves that.

DANIELLE MACDONALD

Hello! I’m BD’s replacement, and I’m pregnant just like Sandra! We’re even due on the same date!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Wait, I’m not having twins and I end up with two kids in the future. What could this mean, hmm...

TREVANTE RHODES

Yeah I wouldn’t get too attached to any of these human shaped objects if I were you Sandra. Have I mentioned how sexy my muscles are? Here, have a feel.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Seriously? Shouldn’t you be hitting on Hot Cop Girl?

HOT COP GIRL

Yeah, I’m basically flexing my ass at the camera like it’s giving me Paypal donations. I’m a peach!

TREVANTE RHODES

Sorry I prefer prunes.

OLD WOMAN

Speaking of dried up wrinkly things I’m still here. Also we’re out of food.

LIL REL HOWERY

Luckily I work at a nearby Trader Joe’s and I have the keys!

JOHN MALKODICK

That would have been good to know before we ran out of food you dipshit.

LIL REL HOWERY

Speak for yourself homeboy. I have to keep reminding myself you’re not an emaciated Bruce Willis.

INT. A JEEP COMMERCIAL

SANDRA BULLOCK

We’ve blacked out the windows of this 2018 Jeep Grand Cherokee with its external camera and GPS navigation!

HOT COP GIRL

And what about these heated leather seats!

JOHN MALKODICK

I know! I especially love this spacious interior and these cup holders!

LIL REL HOWERY

And with an 8.4-inch touchscreen with Bluetooth!

SUICIDE CREATURES

HEY WE TURNED ON AD BLOCKER FOR A REASON GRRRRRRRR!!!!

(attacks the jeep!)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Huh? I thought we established these things can’t physically harm us?

HOT COP GIRL

This is a Netflix movie, we’re clearly not above breaking our own rules for cheap suspense. Now are you going to lease this Jeep or not?

INT. GROCERY STORE

The gang makes it and starts reenacting scenes from Dawn of the Dead.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Hey look, a bird cage! If only we could have called the movie THAT instead! Wait, how the hell did these birds survive without any food or water?

HOT COP GIRL

I’m guessing the same magic spell that made your womb menopause-proof.

Meanwhile JOHN gets shitfaced IMMEDIATELY.

JOHN MMALKODICK

(actual line)

We are making the end of the world... GREAT AGAIN!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Because no one’s made that fucking joke a dozen times in the last 2 years. Maybe get off your knees and stop making cock sucking great again while you’re at it. Now all we need is to shoehorn in some vaguely Alt Right villain.

STRANGE WHITE MAN

Hey let me into the store. I’m crazy.

LIL REL HOWERY

I say we trust him.

(goes outside)

(is killed)

TREVANTE RHODES

Fuuuuuck, there’s no way we can leave with that crazy white guy out there, so maybe we should just stay here where all the food is and

INT. HOUSE WHERE ALL THE MAIN CHARACTERS ARE AT

TREVANTE RHODES

Wait how did we get back here?

SANDRA BULLOCK

You drove us back without any problems whatsoever.

HOT COP GIRL

Well Machine Gun and I are fucking and we’ve decided to lease the jeep so it’s ours now byeeeeee

(fucks off)

MACHINE GUN KELLY

(leaves with Hot Cop Girl)

(still a douchebag)

TOM HOLLANDER

(appearing)

Greetings everyone! If you’re trying to place my face just remember the top 5 most annoying side characters you’ve seen in the past 10 years and chances are I was all of them! Please let me into your house! Also I’m crazy.

DANIELLE MACDONALD

I trust him.

JOHN MALKODICK

Only a retard would trust this clearly deranged jerkwad.

DANIELLE MACDONALD

I stand by my decision. Come in Tom, make yourself at home while Sandra and I loudly give birth.

TOM HOLLANDER

Thank you kind idiot. So it turns out seeing the suicide creatures doesn’t make you kill yourself if you’re mentally ill, it just makes you want to seek out survivors and expose them to the suicide creatures for... reasons.

DANIELLE MACDONALD

Uh oh that doesn’t sound good for me--

(dead)

OLD WOMAN

(dead)

JOHN MALKODICK

(dead)

TOM HOLLANDER

(dead)

TREVANTE RHODES

Hmm. I guess we have the house to ourselves now.

SANDRA BULLOCK

But who’s going to clean all these dead bodies up?

TREVANTE RHODES

Right, better risk our lives by going outside with two newborns and finding a different place.

This HAPPENS.

EXT. A CABIN IN THE WOODS (NO NOT THAT ONE) - 5 YEARS LATER

TREVANTE has been busy surviving with SANDRA her kid BOY and DANIELLE's kid GIRL while still finding time to keep his muscles nice and ripped.

TREVANTE RHODES

Have we been living in a gym this whole time or what?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Apparently you’ve been getting the perfect workout pounding my vag these last 5 years. And I’ve been subsisting solely on Estée Lauder.

BOY

A man on the radio says there’s a sanctuary down the river!

GIRL

Ohh ohh can we go there?!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Hell no, you’re going to die here alone and nameless. Get that through your thick little child skulls you horrible pathetic parasites.

TREVANTE RHODES

The fuck, Sandra?! Why are you pissing on their hopes like a mean old bitch?

SANDRA BULLOCK

Be... cause that’s my entire character? The only way to survive is to not get too attached to anything. We’re not going to that sanctuary because we’ll never make it.

TREVANTE RHODES

We're going to survive not fighting what we hate, but saving what we love!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Did... Did you just quote Rose Tico at me? Ooooh, you are definitely dying in the next scene!

SANDRA and the gang go to raid a house for resources when they are surrounded by a gang of ANTIFA CRAZIES who are immune to the suicide creatures!

SANDRA BULLOCK

I’m a strong independent women who doesn’t need a man to protect me so I’ll fight these guys off while Trevante escapes with the kids allowing me to die a noble HAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT

TREVANTE RHODES

(removes blindfold to kill Antifa Crazies)

(dies)

SANDRA BULLOCK

Well there’s no way I can survive out here without my walking dildo protecting me so I had better put on this blindfold and take the kids down the river to the sanctuary in this shitty canoe.

She DOES THIS, EASILY.

SANDRA BULLOCK

Really? But our canoe capsized! Surely the kids drowned because I never taught them how to swim!

BOY AND GIRL

We’re fine! We even still have our blindfolds on!

SANDRA BULLOCK

Really? Wow, that’s amazing...ly contrived. But our pet birds we keep in the titular bird box are surely dead!

BIRDS IN BIRD BOX

Chirp chirp chirp!

(translation:)

We survived too! Did you not know birds can breathe underwater? Silly humans!

BOY

Wait, so if Sandra had done this earlier we’d still have our black daddy?

GIRL

Sandra is a horrible mother. I’m here suicide creatures! Rescue me from this future alcoholic!

SUICIDE CREATURES

COME ON SANDRA, TAKE OFF YOUR BLINDFOLD, THIS ISN’T 50 SHADES OF GREY YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER WANTED THESE KIDS IN THE FIRST PLACE, LET US TAKE THEM

SANDRA BULLOCK

No thank you. I’ve accepted my role as their mother despite treating them like literal dogshit for their entire lives.

SUICIDE CREATURES

OH. WELL. ALRIGHT THEN. WE’LL JUST CHASE YOU WITH SOME MILD WIND EFFECTS AND SWIRLING LEAVES WHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

SANDRA BULLOCK

So the climax is me running from wind? And people actually like this movie? Somewhere in the world M. Night Shyamalan is grinding his teeth to dust.

They make it to the sanctuary which is a SCHOOL FOR THE BLIND which was built inside an enclosed AVIARY. Because why WOULDN’T IT BE?

Now go Google the memes, they’re the best thing about the movie.

END

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