A human doing his best robot impression, and vice versa.


A human doing his best robot impression, and vice versa.

BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. FUTURE

GEORGE CARLIN

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the future! We live in an enlightened utopia, as you can see by this... uh, completely blank background. Look, a big-budget picture this ain’t.

CLARENCE CLEMONS

(yes, Clarence Clemons)

It is time! Get into this time machine cleverly disguised as an ordinary phone booth, which will allow it to blend in back in 1980s America and at no other point of the spacetime continuum.

GEORGE CARLIN

Well, maybe we could say that its chameleon circuit is broken-

CLARENCE CLEMONS

Don't draw attention to it, man.

GEORGE goes BACK IN TIME.

INT. GARAGE

ALEX WINTER and KEANU REEVES are making noise with guitars and yelling into a camcorder.

ALEX WINTER

WE’RE WYLD STALLYNS, YEAH!!! Obnoxious eighties hair metal-style band name, or honestly how we think those words are spelled? With our characters, who can say?

KEANU REEVES

So our idea of a band is to strum electric guitars randomly and posture for a camera? Pretty sure that makes us either twelve years old or total douchebags.

ALEX WINTER

Hey, we’re just lucky YouTube isn’t a thing yet.

They manage to BURN THEIR SPEAKERS OUT through sheer incompetence, then head off to school, at which they somehow SUCK EVEN HARDER.

BERNIE CASEY

Boys, I’m afraid you need an A on your end-of-year history report, otherwise I’ll have to flunk you both.

KEANU REEVES

Wait, so we’re only a single A away from actually passing this class? We don’t even know who Julius Caesar is, how is this possible?

ALEX WINTER

I’m more shocked at the implication that this is the ONLY class we’re in danger of failing. So, like, we’re passing English? Math? Chemistry? How? I’d be surprised if either one of us could even pass the Turing test.

KEANU REEVES

Public schools these days, no standards at all. But dude, we have to pass the test or my dad will send me to military school, because apparently he thinks my problem is a lack of discipline and not the fact that I’m a fucking moron!

They go and STUDY, at which they are just as TERRIBLE as they are at everything else. But then GEORGE shows up in the PHONE BOOTH.

GEORGE CARLIN

Gentlemen, I’m here to tell you it’s important for the future that you pass this test!

KEANU REEVES

So your future won’t exist unless we pass this test... but we can’t pass this test without help from your future... wait... how...

GEORGE CARLIN

Look, if you’re after a movie without paradoxical time loops, you’ve come to the wrong place. I never even tell you my name, you learn it from future versions of yourselves who learned it from future versions of themselves who learned it from future versions of themselves et cetera to infinity. Speaking of which:

FUTURE ALEX and FUTURE KEANU arrive in FUTURE PHONE BOOTH!

FUTURE ALEX WINTER

Dudes, you’re going to travel through time! Eventually you’ll have this meeting again, but the bit where we step aside and talk to George will last significantly longer somehow! Laters!

(time travels away)

KEANU REEVES

All right then! We were uneasy about getting into George’s freaky time machine, but now we’ve been convinced to do it by ourselves having already done it okay I can see what you mean about the paradoxes.

ALEX WINTER

But George, why do we need to time travel to pass this class? Shouldn’t you just hand us a nicely typed-out A+ report for us to deliver tomorrow?

GEORGE CARLIN

We could do that I guess, but instead we’re letting you travel to various different eras and look at brief chunks of history without any broader context.

ALEX WINTER

That will surely give us idiots some keen analytical insights into history! Let’s go!

They get into the PHONE BOOTH. GEORGE dials a number and they time travel through a giant COLONOSCOPY.

EXT. NAPOLEONIC-ERA AUSTRIA

They arrive and see NAPOLEON invading with his STOCK FOOTAGE ARMY.

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

Who is that, over there? I’ll just observe them through this telescope, through which they are just barely discernible, meaning they’re something like half a mile away. Keep that in mind when you see what happens next.

An EXPLOSION goes off IMMEDIATELY BEHIND NAPOLEON, sending him FLYING ALL THE WAY OVER TO THE PHONE BOOTH which then DRAGS HIM BACK TO THE EIGHTIES, all the while without even SCUFFING HIS CLOTHES.

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

Yes, that just happened. Such a shame historians never figured out I was the great-great-great-great-grandfather of Wile E. Coyote.

EXT. SAN DIMAS

GEORGE CARLIN

So, you get the gist of it. Have fun!

KEANU REEVES

Wait, you’re not coming with us?

GEORGE CARLIN

Nah, I figure a ten-minute orientation is all that’s needed before I put the future of the galaxy in the hands of two complete numbskulls by handing them powerful future technology which can alter the very fabric of the spacetime continuum. Toodles!

(leaves)

Immediately after GEORGE leaves, ALEX and KEANU notice they’ve accidentally brought along NAPOLEON.

KEANU REEVES

Ooh, dude, instead of observing history like George said, we should totally go around kidnapping important historical figures!

ALEX WINTER

Good thing we’re not smart enough to see the potential damage that could cause to the timeline, or that might seem like a colossally stupid idea!

They GO BACK IN TIME.

EXT. OLD WEST

KEANU REEVES

So here we are in the wild west! It’ll be fun to see how folks react to our outlandish eighties clothes and mannerisms!

EVERYBODY IN TOWN

You mean jeans, sneakers and Van Halen T-shirts were uncommon on the Western frontier? Well nobody told us. Go about your business and we’ll just pay you no mind at all.

They go into a BAR, where they run into BILLY THE CLEARLY THIRTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD MAN.

BILLY THE KID

I’m Billy the Kid! I’m going to cheat at cards now! Not by giving myself good cards, but by grabbing two random bar patrons, making them play cards on my behalf, and giving THEM good cards! Seriously, what the hell am I even doing?

His CHEATING triggers a BAR FIGHT. KEANU and ALEX save his life by whisking him away in their time machine.

BILLY THE KID

Are we really claiming that the most feared gunslinger in all the land had to be rescued by a pair of dopey highschoolers?

ALEX WINTER

Hey, how else were we going to justify your coming along? Were we just going to have you randomly agree to come with us for seemingly no reason?

EXT. CLASSICAL GREECE

SOCRATES randomly agrees to come with them for seemingly no reason.

ALEX WINTER

...Huh.

EXT. MEDIEVAL TIMES (THE TIME, NOT THE THEME RESTAURANT)

KEANU REEVES

England in the Dark Ages! Who are we here to get? William the Conqueror? Richard the Third? Somebody else with a “the” in their name?

ALEX WINTER

Uh, yeah, this movie really only has room for the most easily-caricatured pop-culture historical figures we can find. Since neither King Arthur nor Robin Hood were actually a thing, we’re not picking up anybody here at all.

KEANU REEVES

Okay. I guess since this is the most irrelevant episode of the film, it should also be easily the longest and most drawn out.

Suddenly they see two PRINCESSES on a CASTLE BALCONY.

ALEX WINTER

Woah, look, vaguely attractive women! Let’s put the whole “fate of the universe” thing aside and go hit on them!

KEANU REEVES

How are we going to sneak past the guards, though?

ALEX WINTER

We’ll disguise ourselves in the castle’s decorative suits of armor! Sure those things take like half an hour to put on, and they’ll make us much slower and louder, and if we’re caught it’ll look like we’re definitely there to commit violence. But they’ll allow us to blend into the five or six spots in the castle where people might conceivably expect a suit of armor to be standing!

They SNEAK INTO THE CASTLE and then PUT ON SUITS OF ARMOR.

KEANU REEVES

Dude, I know the entire point of these disguises was for stealth, but now that we’re wearing them let’s pull out our swords and start loudly play-fighting!

ALEX WINTER

Why not, since we seemingly have the attention span of goldfish!

They start BASHING EACH OTHER WITH SWORDS, but then KEANU tumbles down a spiral staircase. ALEX hurries after him only to see him get STABBED by some GUARD.

ALEX WINTER

OH NO, KEANU’S DEAD!! One of the title characters of a goofy buddy comedy got randomly killed by an anonymous extra partway through! The sad music and dramatic closeups seem to be trying their darnedest to make you actually believe this.

ALEX fights the GUARD, but then KEANU shows up NOT IN ARMOR and KNOCKS THE GUARD OUT!

KEANU REEVES

Yes, I’m alive! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor! DON’T THINK ABOUT IT DON’T THINK ABOUT IT DON’T-

ALEX WINTER

Dude, what? You’re saying you rolled harmlessly down the stairs, but then landed on the floor so hard that your whole body went flying out the visor or something, landing completely out of sight somewhere while your suit remained intact? Then a guard came and stabbed it without realizing he was stabbing thin air?

KEANU REEVES

YES. THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED. LET’S MOVE ON.

They go and meet the PRINCESSES.

KEANU REEVES

Hey, ladies! We’re the weirdos you saw staring at you from outside. Just here to say we’ve fallen for you!

DIANE FRANKLIN

Okay, so you’ve fallen for me and Alex has fallen for Kimberley? Or is it the other way around?

KEANU REEVES

Uh, I think the two of us have just fallen for the two of you, like, generally. I mean you only have like three lines between you, so who gives a shit?

Suddenly more GUARDS show up! They immediately take KEANU and ALEX outside to be publically BEHEADED. But then the executioners turn out to be BILLY and SOCRATES in DISGUISE, and they free KEANU and ALEX and they all run away!

ALEX WINTER

How did you guys pull that off on such short notice?

BILLY THE KID

Look man, don’t question it. You do NOT want to start asking yourself how a teenager and an old man in a bathrobe were able to overpower two axe-wielding executioners, then find yourself suddenly remembering that the teenager is a ruthless killer with a loaded gun.

They hastily TIME TRAVEL AWAY at RANDOM.

INT. FUTURE

They wind up in front of the FUTURE PRESIDENTS OF EARTH.

CLARENCE CLEMONS

Wait a minute, this technology allows anybody at any time to just materialize right in the planetary Oval Office? That’s fucking terrifying.

A flock of SUPER-CREEPY BLANK-FACED FUTURE PEOPLE come in to ogle KEANU and ALEX.

CREEPY FUTURE PEOPLE

WOW LOOK IT’S THEM. IT’S WYLD STALLYNS. WOW. WE APPEAR TO BE INCREDIBLY STONED RIGHT NOW.

KEANU REEVES

Yes, it’s us. And look, there’s Socrates, Father of Modern Thought. Right there behind us.

CREEPY FUTURE PEOPLE

WHO? WE DON’T CARE. WE ONLY CARE ABOUT THE IDIOT ROCK MUSICIANS. WOAH DUDE OUR HANDS ARE SO HUGE.

ALEX WINTER

Yeesh, let’s get the hell out of here.

They KEEP TIME TRAVELING.

EXT. TURN-OF-THE-CENTURY AUSTRIA

They land in front of SIGMUND FREUD.

ALEX WINTER

Dude, it’s Sigmund Freud! It’s weird how I can recognize him on sight even though he’s just some middle-aged guy with a beard and I’m a total ignoramus who thinks his name is pronounced “Frood”.

KEANU REEVES

Let’s grab him. And hell, this is taking forever, let’s just use a montage to grab a bunch of other guys who will be even less characterized than the guys we already have.

They quickly round up JOAN OF ARC, LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN and ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

ALEX WINTER

But whoops, instead of the charismatic leader and brilliant tactician Genghis Khan, we seem to have somehow picked up a caveman.

GENGHIS KHAN

(smashing things)

BLARGL RAAH GRRUUURRHHH!!!!

KEANU REEVES

Speaking of cavemen, the time machine appears to have broken, leaving us stranded in prehistoric times!

ALEX WINTER

Oh fuck! We’re totally screwed. No way is hyper-advanced technology like this going to be something a pair of halfwits can just fix with whatever they have at hand!

KEANU REEVES

Actually it turns out we can fix it by jamming a bunch of tin cans into the antenna.

ALEX WINTER

I don’t know what’s more confusing, the fact that that works or the fact that it turns out we had like twenty cans of pudding in our pockets this whole time.

They return to the PRESENT.

EXT. SAN DIMAS

ALEX and KEANU wind up back with GEORGE and their PAST SELVES.

GEORGE CARLIN

Hey guys, good to see HOLY SHIT IS THAT ABRAHAM LINCOLN AND SOCRATES AND OH MY GOD YOU’RE KIDNAPPING HISTORICAL FIGURES WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?!?

KEANU REEVES

Dude, you should probably not react to this at all, otherwise it makes no sense that you don’t tell past-us specifically not to do it.

GEORGE CARLIN

Fair point.

ALEX WINTER

Say, George, how come our return trip brought us back to before we left?

GEORGE CARLIN

Because

(gibberish)

Now hurry up and time travel to tomorrow, you’re running out of time!

ALEX WINTER

...

GEORGE CARLIN

...Okay, we all heard it. Let’s move on.

ALEX, KEANU and the HISTORY BRIGADE return to the ACTUAL PROPER PRESENT.

EXT. ALEX’S HOUSE

ALEX WINTER

Okay, now let’s grab Napoleon and go do our presentation at school! ...Right after a scene of mind-bogglingly pointless padding.

ALEX makes the HISTORICAL FIGURES help with his HOUSE-CLEANING CHORES.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

Why the HELL are we going along with this? We’re some of the most brilliant and dynamic figures who ever lived, but ever since we were abducted we’ve been docile as fucking sheep! Look, Genghis Khan is cleaning the toilet!

GENGHIS KHAN

(obediently helping)

GNNAARRR!!!

LUDWIG VAN BEETHOVEN

It’s not so bad, at least we get to mess around with a bunch of amazing future tech. Look, I’m CLEANING GLASS WITH A RAG! Ha ha ha, what CAN’T they do these days?

Eventually this scene ENDS.

ALEX WINTER

Okay, now we have to pick up Napoleon. We apparently can’t bring you along to do this, nor can we leave you here in my house, so we’ll have to drop you guys off at a crowded mall instead.

They DO SO, then go to get NAPOLEON only to find KEANU’S LITTLE BROTHER had DITCHED HIM at a BOWLING ALLEY the previous night.

KEANU REEVES

Shit! Oh well, there’s only one way for us to find him now.

ALEX WINTER

Time travel back to the bowling alley last night and pick him up immediately after your brother leaves him?

KEANU REEVES

There’s no way we’re smart enough to think of that. No, I was going to suggest we make a completely illogical guess as to where he might be, then turn out to be right by sheer coincidence.

They go DO THAT.

INT. MALL

Meanwhile all the HISTORICAL FIGURES have WANDERED OFF and gotten into TROUBLE.

SPORTS STORE GUY

Some caveman has gone berserk and trashed my store!

POLICE

Let’s arrest him!

JOAN OF ARC

Hey, nobody out-crazies Joan of Arc! I'm going to do something completely random and inexplicable, like, uh, stage a coup at an exercize class WHY NOT!!!

POLICE

Arrest her!

BILLY THE KID

And I'm running around firing a gun into the air apparently? The movie has given no context for why I started doing this, I'm as confused as you are.

POLICE

ARREST HIM!

MALL SECURITY

Oh, and over there a bearded guy in a suit ran up an escalator!

POLICE

ARREST HIM TOO! YOU CAN BE ARRESTED FOR THAT!

MUSIC STORE GUY

And some master pianist is giving an excellent demonstration of my merchandise and bringing a lot of foot traffic to my store!

POLICE

ARREST HIM, ARREST EVERYBODY, WE’VE GOT A FEVER AND THE ONLY CURE IS MORE ARRESTING

(foams at mouth)

The HISTORICAL FIGURES are all hauled off to JAIL.

EXT. JAIL

KEANU REEVES

Fuck! Our report is in like an hour and our history dudes are all locked up, what do we do?

ALEX WINTER

Hey, relax, we’ve got a time machine, remember?

KEANU REEVES

Oh, right! We can just wait until those guys are released, then take them back in time to right before the report.

ALEX WINTER

OR, we can later go back and plant the props we need to break them out of jail right now! That’d be WAY riskier and less likely to work!

KEANU REEVES

All right, but to make sure we don’t get caught, let’s put our band name on literally every single thing we plant in the police station.

They use their PLANTED PROPS to make their way through the station into the JAIL, then they let all the HISTORY PEOPLE out. But then KEANU’S COP DAD shows up!

KEANU REEVES

Whuh oh! When we’re planting props in the past, gotta remember to make a trash can teleport out of the ceiling somehow!

THIS HAPPENS, stalling KEANU’S DAD and giving KEANU, ALEX and their KIDNAPPING VICTIMS a chance to escape.

KEANU’S DAD

Huh, my son just committed a mass jailbreak right in front of me. You’d think this would guarantee that I would send him to military school no matter what now, but NOPE.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL AUDITORIUM

ALEX and KEANU show up just in time for their report.

BILLY THE KID

Howdy, folks!

(fires an obviously real gun in a high school)

Thanks for not panicking and evacuating the school after that. Now here are Alex and Keanu, and that was literally my entire contribution to this presentation.

(goes to hang in background)

ALEX and KEANU spend like the next HOUR talking about their HISTORICAL FIGURES in a way which JUST BARELY SKIRTS THE CRITERIA FOR THEIR REPORT.

KEANU REEVES

So Beethoven went deaf, blind and crazy before dying from his lifelong illness. Napoleon was defeated and died in exile. Socrates was executed for his radical teachings. Lincoln got shot in the back of the head, Billy the Kid got shot at the age of twenty-one, and Joan of Arc was burned at the stake at nineteen. But Genghis Khan lived a happy and successful life of brutal warmongering, so there’s that at least.

ALEX WINTER

When the hell did we learn all this? Up til now we haven’t even been able to pronounce these guys’ names right!

KEANU REEVES

I’m sure we did it with time travel somehow.

ALEX WINTER

But where did we get all these props? When did we construct this multi-level set? When did we block and rehearse all this?

KEANU REEVES

Time travel! It’s all time travel!

ALEX WINTER

Who’s even operating the lights right now?

KEANU REEVES

TIME TRAVEL IS! SHUT UP!

They get an A for their report, and they take all the HISTORICAL FIGURES back home.

INT. GARAGE

ALEX and KEANU are making noises again when GEORGE shows up with the PRINCESSES.

GEORGE CARLIN

Er, did you still want these? I only ask because while you were running all over history returning your historical figures to their respective periods, you didn’t seem to bother picking them up. Anyway, I did it for you if you’re at all interested.

THE GUYS and THE PRINCESSES randomly pair up by HAIR COLOR.

GEORGE CARLIN

Now having managed to actually get you through the entire mission without spoiling your own futures for you, I might as well blurt it all out now for no good reason. Our idyllic future society is based entirely on your music! Your band aligned the planets, brought all species into harmony, and created an age of peace and enlightenment.

KEANU REEVES

What? Is that seriously what those stoned future guys who worship us believe? Their favorite band “aligned the planets” and “created world peace”?

ALEX WINTER

Dude, your future society is a fucking cult.

GEORGE CARLIN

...Oh God, we are, aren’t we. Oh shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits.

END.


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