"Dad says you really like tea. He says you bag it all night long."


"Dad says you really like tea. He says you bag it all night long."

BIG DADDY

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. ADAM SANDLER'S DISGUSTING APARTMENT

ADAM SANDLER

I am a stupid slacker-type.

KRISTY SWANSON

I hate you for that.

ADAM SANDLER

I'll give you flowers.

KRISTY SWANSON

Fuck off.

ADAM SANDLER

I'll give you chocolates.

KRISTY SWANSON

Go to hell.

ADAM SANDLER

I'll adopt a child and raise him irresponsibly because I am a big fucking idiot.

KRISTY SWANSON

What?

ADAM adopts a cute widdle boy wit a cute widdul voyce.

THE CHILD PROP

Hewwo. Can we pway?

ADAM SANDLER

Sure, lets go play at Hooters. Then I will take you to a strip joint and buy you some crack.

THE CHILD PROP

Yay!!! Can I wear this widicuwus outfit?

ADAM SANDLER

Sure, because I'm going to let my kid do whatever he wants in order to show I have good intentions and I'm not just a slacker asshole.

There is suddenly a KNOCK at the door.

SOCIAL SERVICES

You're a slacker asshole, we're taking your kid away.

ADAM SANDLER

No, wait, I'm actually not Adam, but Adam's semi-normal roommate, Jon Stewart. I'm the child's father.

SOCIAL SERVICES

Right, whatever, we're taking the kid.

ADAM SANDLER

That's alright, I have his brother, he's just as cute.

THE CHILD PROP is taken away, and the other actor that plays THE CHILD PROP continues the wacky antics.

EXT. STREET

ADAM SANDLER

I'm here on the street with my child. Perhaps you'd like a hot dog or some gum or some shit like that.

THE CHILD PROP

I'd like shit!

AUDIENCE

Ha ha! He said "shit" and that is funny because children shouldn't say such things.

ADAM SANDLER

Here's the shit you wanted.

AUDIENCE

Ha ha! He said "shit" and that is funny because grown-up children shouldn't say such things.

ADAM hits on girls using the CHILD PROP and teaches the CHILD PROP how to hurt people.

THE CHILD PROP

Wee! I'm so cute!

He throws a stick in front of a rollerblader, who trips on it, falls, cracks his skull open, and DIES.

ADAM SANDLER

Ha ha ha ha! Look at the blood!

THE CHILD PROP

Fuck, this is fun shit!

SOCIAL SERVICES

Ok, that's enough. We're taking this one too.

AUDIENCE

It's about damn time.

INT. COURTROOM

All of the characters, including the ones that died comically, are present.

JUDGE

You're a bad parent, you fucking idiot.

ADAM SANDLER

But I have good intentions.

JON STEWART

I am the child's father. I say what Adam did to my kid is fine by me.

JUDGE

I suppose you can have the child then!

JOEY LAUREN ADAMS

Oh Adam! Let's have our own kid! I love you!

RANDOM HOMOSEXUALS

Us too!

THE CHILD PROP

And I love you most of all! I get to spend my life with you and my real father now!

AUDIENCE

Hooray!

(tears form in eyes)

All the zany antics worked out! Er, wait, the kid is still pretty fucked up.

The AUDIENCE is quieted by the cuteness of THE CHILD PROP.

ROB SCHNEIDER

Look, I am ethnic! I almost definitely smell awful!

END

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