"'Huff and Puff,' he said... Damn, I really should have built my house out of bricks."


"'Huff and Puff,' he said... Damn, I really should have built my house out of bricks."

BIG BAD WOLVES

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. NEIGHBORHOOD

LIOR ASHKENAZI is a-

AUDIENCE

Wait, hold on. "Big Bad Wolves?" I've never heard of this. You mean the Duck Sauce music video?

QUENTIN TARANTINO

No, this is a real movie! It's sweeping select theaters across multiple nations, it's funny and low-budget, and I hereby declare it The Best Movie of 2013! I really said that about this movie.

AUDIENCE

Huh, this must be good. Continue.

Anyway. LIOR ASHKENAZI is a COP who suspects ROTEM KEINAN of being a PEDOPHILE, so he hires some guys to BEAT THE SHIT out of him.

LIOR ASHKENAZI

I found the raped, tortured, decapitated body of a little girl in the woods. I know Rotem's the pedophile because... Ready for this? ...Some kid thought he maybe saw Rotem in the general area the little girl was last seen! Rotem's guilty!

ROTEM KEINAN

Yep, that'll hold up in court. I should sue you for unjust police brutality.

(doesn't)

LIOR'S BOSS

You can't beat up suspects, Lior. Let Rotem go.

But another kid films ROTEM getting beat up and puts it on YOUTUBE.

ROTEM KEINAN

Oh no, despite the police in this area already having a terrible reputation and discrediting themselves with their illegal tactics, everyone now thinks I'm a pedophile!

ROTEM loses his job, his FAMILY cuts him off, and everyone SHUNS HIM FROM SOCIETY.

ROTEM KEINAN

Truly, this demonstrates the horror of false accusations and shoddy police work, a sophisticated commentary on our justice system.

(pause)

I'm really not suing, even now? I have video evidence for my case and everything.

LIOR is also fired for being an ASS.

LIOR ASHKENAZI

Real men don't be pussies and let subjects walk away. Real men beat the shit out of them until they confess! Also, I think beating the shit out of people is a bad way of making them confess.

LIOR'S BOSS

Wait, didn't you just contradict- Whatever. You should go after Rotem yourself. Just don't get caught.

LIOR ASHKENAZI

This is another great example of the corrupt systems we place our faith in! I'm gonna play Russian Roulette with Rotem as I force him to dig his own grave! Because... corrupt policemen do that all the time.

There's a few scenes with a GODDAMN DOG, because the dog-film obsession exists in INDEPENDENT CINEMA too. Then TZAHI GRAD, the dead girl's father, shows up and kidnaps ROTEM and LIOR with his KNOCKOUT SHOVEL OF MANLINESS.

INT. NOT BUFFALO BILL'S BASEMENT

TZAHI ties ROTEM to a chair, then talks to LIOR.

TZAHI GRAD

I am a completely sane man.

(bulges eyes, froths at mouth, drinks kitten blood)

I want to find my daughter's buried, severed head. We should torture its location out of Rotem by doing everything he did to his victims, down to a level of detail I couldn't possibly know about.

LIOR ASHKENAZI

Sounds great! First we'll read him a fairy tale involving a wolf, to justify the title. Then we'll rape him!

TZAHI GRAD

Yeah let's skip that part because gay sex, icky. I thought we'd break his fingers, rip out his toenails, and saw off his head.

LIOR ASHKENAZI

Yeah, that's not as bad as gay sex is. Did you also want to hobble his ankles and make him rewrite his last novel?

The GRITTY HORROR begins. Suddenly, COMEDIC SLAPSTICK and SARDONIC ONE-LINERS barge in to kill the mood.

TZAHI GRAD

Ha ha! That's right, it's a comedy! Nothing's funnier than torturing an innocent man!

LIOR ASHKENAZI

Dude, what? You're turning subjects as serious and legitimate as pedophilia and unjust torture into farce?

QUENTIN TARANTINO

That's brilliant!

LIOR ASHKENAZI

No, that's worse than the "Funny Rape" in Kick-Ass 2. You realize everything we do to Rotem was also done to a series of freshly-raped children before their murders?

TZAHI chains him to the wall. Then he BREAKS ROTEM'S FINGERS, BASHES ROTEM'S HANDS OPEN with a HAMMER, SLICES ROTEM'S FACE with a nail, and RIPS OUT HIS TOENAILS. Each is "comically" interrupted to stretch one scene worth of material into FEATURE RUNNING TIME.

ROTEM KEINAN

I'm a helpless, bleeding wreck! I can't move for pain! I'm horrifically traumatized!

DIRECTOR AHARON KESHALES

Yeah, isn't it funny AND horrifying? Like Evil Dead 2 or American Werewolf in London?

LIOR ASHKENAZI

You know, horror-comedies work because they have cartoony, over-the-top ridiculous scenarios. We've got one of the worst things out there and we're treating it like SpongeBob, in the most immature, tasteless way possible.

QUENTIN TARANTINO

(shrugs)

Your point being?

TZAHI smokes WEED with an ARABIAN, who is ARABIAN and therefore COMIC GOLD, HAR HAR. After more disturbing torture, TZAHI'S MOTHER calls him to PAD THE RUNNING TIME.

TZAHI'S MOTHER

Blah blah you never visit anymore! I know your daughter was just found headless, but I'm going to nag you about your divorce and answering your phone. Hello?

TZAHI GRAD

Hang on Mom, my sedative cake I'm going to feed my prisoner is almost done. He used sedative cakes on his victims, even though he'd wait for them to wake up before abusing them, so all I'm really doing is giving him cake and a nap.

TZAHI'S MOM

And a convenient plot point for later, I bet.

TZAHI'S FATHER DOVAL'E GLICKMAN visits him. They look THE SAME AGE, despite allegedly being FATHER AND SON.

DOVAL'E GLICKMAN

Oh my God Tzahi, you're keeping torture victims in your basement!

(pause)

Why don't you spend more time with your parents?

TZAHI GRAD

THAT'S your reaction to learning your son is a psychopath?!

DOVAL'E GLICKMAN

No, I want to join in the torture! How quirky! Let's burn Lior with a blowtorch!

TZAHI GRAD

Um, we're torturing Rotem, not Lior. You know, the one with blood oozing from every orifice. Not sure how you missed that.

They GRAPHICALLY, DISGUSTINGLY BURN ROTEM and joke about BBQ and HOT DOGS. QUENTIN TARANTINO laughs because BBQ TORTURE VICTIMS OMG HAHAHAHA!

ROTEM KEINAN

Hold up! You can find your daughter's head buried at, uh, 555 Definitely-Not-Fake Street.

(pause)

Also, I'm totally not lying so Lior and I can escape.

(glances at Lior)

Nooooope. Not lying. Go dig up your daughter's head!

TZAHI leaves while DOVAL'E eats the SEDATIVE CAKE and falls asleep. LIOR breaks free!

ROTEM KEINAN

Hurry, Lior! Now you know Tzahi's the real enemy, surely you'll set me free too!

LIOR ASHKENAZI

Nope, I still think you're a pedophile and leave you to certain death. I'm going to escape on a kid's bicycle in Tzahi's yard that has no good goddamn reason to be there.

ROTEM KEINAN

Damn! Maybe I can worm my way free in time for my final confrontation with Tzahi, in which he faces his eventual comeuppance. Surely all this buildup won't end in utter disappointment!

EXT. EMPTY STREETS

LIOR bikes away and runs into the ARABIAN GUY, who's still ARABIAN HA HA LAUGH NOW OKAY?

LIOR ASHKENAZI

I need to borrow your iPhone 4S.

ARABIAN GUY

My iPhone 4S, that gets twice the amount of coverage and app space? Sure, here.

LIOR finds out his DAUGHTER has been KIDNAPPED.

LIOR ASHKENAZI

Oh no! Now I know Rotem isn't the killer, because he can't have kidnapped my daughter since he's been here the whole time! I must heroically save him before Tzahi comes back, quickly!

He RUNS back to the house. WITHOUT the bike. Because THAT'S FASTER.

INT. THE HOUSE

TZAHI GRAD

Game's up, Rotem! I dug one tiny hole in the rather large spot you said to look and instantly deduced you're lying. Time to die.

TZAHI uses a RUSTY SAW to slice open ROTEM'S NECK, as GALLONS OF FUCKING BLOOD SPLATTER ALL OVER THE PLACE!

QUENTIN TARANTINO

(ejaculates)

LIOR rushes in.

LIOR ASHKENAZI

No! Don't kill Rotem!

(shakes Rotem)

WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY DAUGHTER, ROTEM? WHERE IS SHE?!

ROTEM KEINAN

Wait, you're NOT coming back to rescue me? You STILL think I'm the pedophile? What the FUCKURGLEBURGLE

(dies)

TZAHI GRAD

So, I guess none of us get any retribution or moral enlightenment after the gruesome, senseless suffering and murder we inflicted upon an innocent man.

LIOR ASHKENAZI

Especially since the audience just learned my daughter's fine, simply sedated in Rotem's hidden lair where she'll wake up unharmed. Wait, Rotem's hidden lair?

TWIST! ROTEM really WAS the pedophile all along!

LIOR ASHKENAZI

WHAT?!?!?!? So the moral isn't "False accusations ruin lives," it's "Torturing pedophiles is super awesome and hilarious?" We just undid every scrap of social commentary and turned this into a mindless gore-fest!

TZAHI GRAD

Yeah, baby! We were good guys the whole time! And you thought "Zero Dark Thirty" was tasteless...

AUDIENCE

That was so funny! I wanna disgustingly murder people who I vaguely suspect of being pedophiles!

DIRECTOR AHARON KESHALES

Testosterone! Manliness!

QUENTIN TARANTINO

Give this movie Oscars and a commercial theatrical run!

PLEASE, DON'T. UGH.

END


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