BEING JOHN MALKOVICH
The Abridged Script
INT. THE 7.5TH FLOOR OF A BUILDING
JOHN CUSACK hunches over on the half-floor, which is very FUNNY and will be driven into the GROUND.
JOHN finds a portal into the mind of JOHN MALKOVICH.
DIRECTOR SPIKE JONZE
Look, this film is bizarre. It is, therefore, good!
Wow, this creates so many questions about the essense of self.
Audience, please take notice of all of these thought-provoking questions raised by the film.
This film must be brilliant. I mean, to just consider the notion that a human could enter the mind of another hu--
Suddenly, the AUDIENCE'S PROVOKED THOUGHTS are interrupted by something EXTRAORDINARILY BIZARRE.
I am in love with you, Catherine Keener.
Perhaps that is because I'm the only person in this film that bathes.
I say it's more because I am unsatisfied by my ugly dog of a wife.
Who's your wife?
Cameron Diaz. Damn dirty bitch.
The AUDIENCE'S COLLECTIVE HEADS explode.
CATHERINE and JOHN charge money to be MALKOVICH, while MALKOVICH gains points with CRITICS for making fun of himself.
I am balding and rather odd-looking. There is also something horribly goofy about my eyes.
Look, I can make fun of myself too! Why does everyone hate me?
More people enter the mind of MALKOVICH, including MALKOVICH himself.
Wow! This is bizarre and original! I love this film!
AUDIENCE BRAIN FRAGMENTS
Wait, what the hell caused this portal? And why does it dump you along the New Jersey turnpike? And how did the old man get that book? And--
More BIZARRE things happen, shutting up the audience. BIZARRE things coninue to happen until the most bizarre of all things occurs: A SCENE WHICH ACTUALLY FEATURES DAYLIGHT AND CONTAINS CHARACTERS THAT APPEAR TO HAVE CLEANED THEMSELVES.
I love you mom and other mom who is actually my dad or at least John Malkovich is my dad but he was inhabited by you mom and by the way somewhere in the back of my mind is Cusack again, and he is also in love with one of you, mom but not the way I love you. Can I go swimming in a very inside-the-womb-like scene to ensure that the audience finds this film to have depth?
The AUDIENCE MEMBERS gather up their exploded heads and leave, refusing to think about the film to avoid a headache.
Rod has been an author at The Editing Room for 17 years. You can support Rod and the rest of the site on Patreon.
Rod is the founder of The Editing Room, having started the web site in 1998 after seeing "Godzilla" and being compelled to express his hatred. He's written the lion's share of Abridged Scripts on the site, many of which have appeared in Total Film magazine and Cracked.com