The Abridged Script
INT. RANDOM SCIENCE LAB - HAWAI'I
TOKEN SCIENTIST HAMISH LINKLATER is giving a press conference.
Good morning. Today, we'll attempt to contact the distant Earthlike planet we've located by sending out boosted radio signals. But since real-life radio waves are invisible and boring, we've packed them inside a big honking neon-orange death ray. Er, of peace. Off we go!
TAYLOR KITSCH and his STUPID HIPPIE HAIR are having drinks with his brother ALEXANDER SKARSGARD, who at least resembles him more than MICHAEL CLARKE DUNCAN would.
Brah! It's my fuckin' birthday, brah, I gotta make a wish! I’m gonna wish to nail a slutty blonde airhead!
Shouldn’t you wish for something more important, like, let’s say, starring in a movie that DOESN’T flop incredibly hard at the box office? Just a thought.
MEGAN FOX appears, except she's BLEACHED her HAIR and goes by the alias "BROOKLYN DECKER" for some reason.
I am hungry and will blow the first guy who brings me a 7/11 chicken burrito.
TAYLOR runs out and ROBS a CONVENIENCE STORE in a rejected "AMERICA'S DUMBEST CRIMINALS" montage, delivering the BURRITO to BROOKLYN DECKER just as the POLICE arrive to TASER HIS BALLS.
Wow, a filthy, bumbling drunk, AND with a criminal record! How can I resist?!
EXT. NAVAL YARD - SOME TIME LATER, THOUGH SINCE TAYLOR'S A NAVAL OFFICER NOW WE'RE THINKING IT'S GOTTA BE AT LEAST A WEEK, MAYBE TWO
DOZENS OF SHIPS representing A HOST OF NATIONS arrive for INTERNATIONAL NAVY FUNTIME ACTIVITY DAY.
Welcome, fellow countries! It's great to see you all here, though as of the end of this sentence, anyone who's not America or Japan may as well fuck off and go home, since you'll be completely ignored anyway. Japan can stay since the original board game was all about blowing them the fuck up.
TAYLOR KITSCH, having LOST his HIPPIE HAIR and with it his ONLY DISTINGUISHING CHARACTERISTIC, reports to LIAM NEESON aboard the USS MICHAEL BAY.
Hello sir. Sorry I'm late reporting for duty, but I was busy hollowing out this hot slutty blonde chick. A real dirty bird, she is. Anyway, even though she banged me for robbing a 7/11, she won't marry me unless I get permission from her Dad, who is you. So whaddya say?
Taylor, you do realize I slaughtered half of Paris looking for the last guy who tried to fuck my daughter, right?
INT. CABIN (ON THE SHIP NOT IN THE WOODS)
Dammit Taylor, Liam is gonna have you drummed out of the fleet, only some huge catastrophe leaving you in charge against impossible odds could save your career now, my gosh we really are going for a Star Trek reboot vibe, aren’t we.
But if that were true I would have to team up with someone from a faraway, stoic, more formalized culture, and learn to put our differences aside for the greater…
JAPANESE CAPTAIN TADANOBU ASANO
Hello Taylor. I hate you now, but am willing to eventually respect you and your brash, unconventional style.
The ALIEN FLEET is hurtling towards EARTH in a TOTALLY NOT RIPPED OFF FROM TRANSFORMERS fashion.
COMMANDER AYJEZ AITTANUP
It is truly an honour to lead this crucial mission, to negotiate with the humans for the essential materials we need to build anything that doesn’t shatter to bits at the slightest impact.
LIEUTENANT THUR-TEEMIN UHTZERLESZ
Aw fuck! Our giant communications ship just plowed into a tiny satellite and got totally fragged!
COMMANDER AYJEZ AITTANUP
Damn our overly brittle technology! Oh, why did we not put even basic maneuvering thrusters on these complex interstellar craft, so that we could avoid plainly visible objects travelling on predictable orbits?!?
The COMMUNICATIONS SHIP RAINS DEBRIS on a SAFELY FARAWAY NON-AMERICAN CITY, DESTROYING THE FUCK out of it because THIS IS A SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER AND CITIES GONNA GET TRASHED, YO!
COMMANDER AYJEZ AITTANUP
Well, THAT’S gonna make a lousy first impression.
Okay, new plan. We need to re-establish communications to let the humans know our intentions are honourable. Hold position in the open ocean so we don't loom menacingly over any landmarks. Hopefully they'll realize we are peaceful, but don't hesitate to defend yourselves if necessary! Remember, the survival of our species is at stake!!
INT. NAVAL REHABILITATION CENTRE
BROOKLYN DECKER reports to her JOB helping NAVY AMPUTEES because even HALF A NAVY MAN is still TEN TIMES THE MAN YOU ARE, YOU PATHETIC MAGGOT, GO NAVY, RECRUITERS ARE STANDING BY!
So it says here you are a real Navy amputee and not an actor.
GREGORY D. GADSON
Damn right! I can’t really act, but they cast me anyway because of my enormous head. Look, I can fill the entire frame with it! LOOK! LOOK AT NOTHING BUT MY ENORMOUS HEAD!!!
Because he is about to be DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED TIMES INFINITY, TAYLOR is sent to make ALIEN FIRST CONTACT, possibly THE MOST IMPORTANT MISSION EVER OF ALL TIME, along with RIHANNA manning a GUN SO DAMN BIG that the RECOIL would probably RIP HER IN HALF.
Wait, what the fuck are you even doing here, Rihanna? There are literally dozens of struggling African-American actresses that would kill for the exposure this shitty throwaway role would offer.
Pfft, like I give a shit about them. Now if you'll excuse me I'd like to start assaulting the audience's eardrums just by speaking my lines.
SHE DOES. In response, the ALIEN SHIPS create a GIANT POP-O-MATIC FORCE BUBBLE around HAWAI’I.
Let’s fire a warning shot. Q-33!
(is blown up)
TAYLOR, bland with grief, returns to some OTHER SHIP.
Sir, you are in charge now!
Say what? How? Is this movie using the J.J. Abrams rule of naval promoting?
(realization calls D-4, hits)
Fuck it! We may be hopelessly outgunned, but we can still do the Kirk’s-Dad Suicide Charge maneouver! Ahead full impulse power!
(rams Japanese boat by accident)
CRAP! All right, let’s save all those sailors, then limp away while the aliens do utterly nothing to finish us off, those evil fuckers.
INT. ALIEN SHIP
COMMANDER AYJEZ AITTANUP
Without the communications ship I have to program our robots verbally. Remember, Death Yoyos, do not harm the humans! Scan for the precious materials we need, so we can hammer out a deal to obtain them!
SCAN HUMANS, HAMMER MATERIALS, OKAY GOT IT BOSS HERE WE GOOOOO!!
The DEATH YOYOS take in a LITTLE LEAGUE GAME, then destroy a FAR TOO NONCHALANT AIR FORCE BASE WHERE APPARENTLY NOBODY EVER PICKS UP THE RADIO OR WATCHES TV while making ALL OF THE NOISE IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE TURNED UP TO ELEVEN!!!
INT. TAYLOR’S SHIP
Damn, even I think those things are grating.
Where the hell’s Liam, by the way?
Eh? Oh, I’m trapped on the outside of the force field.
You mean the most credible actor in this abortion is completely removed from the action?
Uh-huh, now if you'll excuse me I'm going to sneak off and film a survival movie I actually give a shit about.
(disappears until end of movie)
SEAMAN GINGER MCPALE
Taylor, while we were having our asses handed to us, one of the alien soldiers helpfully captured himself! Come have a look.
TAYLOR goes to see the ALIEN along with EVERYONE WHO’S HAD A LINE OF DIALOGUE SO FAR because nobody in the Navy has POSTS and always does WHATEVER THE HELL THEY FEEL LIKE DOING AT ANY GIVEN TIME, especially in a CRISIS SITUATION.
Well so far we've learned that while they may have mastered interplanetary travel, they can't grow a decent beard for shit. I mean seriously, look at that mess. It's like they stapled alfalfa sprouts to their chin.
Suddenly the ALIEN GRABS TAYLOR'S HEAD!
Arrgh, it is mentally feeding me information about its people, must resist!! Must not learn valuable intel about our enemy!!!!!
Suddenly ALIEN SOLDIERS in BIO-MECH SUITS BURST through the HULL! They DARINGLY RESCUE their CAPTURED COMRADE and SPARE THE HUMANS’ LIVES, those MOTHERFUCKING VILLAINOUS FUCKS!!
Meanwhile TAYLOR runs from one of the ALIEN SOLDIERS as it CHASES after him as SLOWLY AS HUMANLY, er, ALIENLY FUCKING POSSIBLE.
Wait up, Taylor! Do you realize how heavy all this shit I'm wearing is?! Please let me explain! Hm, I know one of my crazy hand attachments is a white flag, which one is it… let's see, barbecue skewer, dental drill, gardening tool… man, these all look evil out of context…
Okay, we can talk, but only if you stand in front of this huge deck gun, which is slooooowly turning to aim at you.
Deck gun? What deck gun? Where?
(turns around, stares down the barrel of HUGE FUCKING DECK GUN)
Is this it? Is this the deck gun you were talking about? Let me get an even closer look.
(sticks entire head down barrel of HUGE FUCKING DECK GUN)
Nope, still not seeing it.
(stuffs entire body inside of HUGE FUCKING DECK GUN)
Hey, is that R&B singer Rihanna with her finger on the trigger? What the hell?
(censored for PG-13 RATING and because "RIHANNA" and "LINE DELIVERY" don't FUCKING MIX)
She KILLS THE FUCK out of the ALIEN!
SEAMAN GINGER MCPALE
Hey, I just noticed their helmets have tinted glass, actually not unlike our own human pilots’ helmets! Therefore, like us, they must be completely incapacitated by sunlight!
Wow, you just figured out more about the aliens from looking at their helmet than I did from FUCKING MIND-MELDING WITH ONE.
INT. HEARTS, NO, EUCHRE, NO WAIT, BRIDGE, THAT'S IT
Our radar is useless, and for some unknown reason so is theirs. But we can use tsunami buoys to plot their location using wave disturbance! It’s a pretty clever plan really, as long as the aliens obligingly travel point-to-point, only change direction at those points, never submerge or fly, and travel directly on top of the buoys so that our missiles will hit them.
There! The buoy at H-5 responded! Fire directly at it!
SEAMAN GINGER MCPALE
Shouldn’t we be, y’know, aiming ahead of them? Since we have time-delayed weapons?
And if the aliens have a force field machine wouldn't it stand to reason they would have some type of shield technology on their battleships? Or at least armor that offers some resistance to weapons far inferior to their own, i.e., ours?
I SAID FIRE, BRAH!
Luckily the ALIENS forget to have SHIELDS or MOVE OUT OF THE WAY and TAYLOR'S SHIP blows them up!
Uh-oh, alien troops are taking over our own satellite facilities! We need to warn Taylor!
We’ll need special equipment because of the barrier, that somehow blocks us radioing Taylor even though we are on the same side of the barrier, but which doesn’t affect the equipment that the aliens will use to send a message through the barrier, and fuck me this is so stupid.
GREGORY D. GADSON
All right then, you and your scientific research training go infiltrate the aliens and get your equipment. Me with the guns and military training and nerves of steel will sit here and wait.
HAMISH finds the EQUIPMENT but an ALIEN is there too!
OHGAWD I AM SO DEAD, YO!
Hey look, I’m standing right here not killing you, you pathetic excuse for a scientist. Gosh, I wonder what me not killing you means, let's think about that a minute.
AAAGH THEY ALMOST GOT MEEEE!!! EVIL ALIENS THEY MUST ALL DIEEE!!!!
EXT. OCEAN – F3
There's just one enemy ship left! Everyone look for a row of four blank spaces where it could be hiding!
HEY C'MON GUYS, LET'S HUG THIS OUT OKAAAAY!!
The DEATH YOYOS rip TAYLOR'S SHIP several new ASSHOLES looking for CREWMEN TO HUG. The back of the ship (or STERN for you nautical types) lists STRAIGHT UP into the air as it SINKS in a way that makes JAMES CAMERON groan knowingly.
Nooo, damn aliens, you sunk my... destroyer? Why the hell were we in a destroyer? This is the perfect damn moment to say “you sunk my battleship” and we went and fucked ourselves out of it!!! ARRRRGH!!!
ALEXANDER SKARSGARD'S GHOST
Of course you're on a destroyer, you moron. The U.S. retired battleships from service like 20 years ago! How do you not know this?
Oh, that’s right, every OTHER part of the movie can suck the assballs of logic, but we won’t bend the rules of classifications of military ships in active service even a TEENY BIT to say the ONE GODDAMN LINE everyone is waiting for. Sheesh.
With their ship destroyed,
KIRK TAYLOR, SPOCK TADANOBU, UHURA RIHANNA, SCOTTY GINGER MCPALE, and the surviving CREW swim to the nearby USS MISSOURI, a museum battleship being maintained by the GHOSTS of its DEAD CREW who have spent the decades PERFECTLY CHOREOGRAPHING their SLO-MO WALK-ONS.
We're taking this thing into battle!
OLD GHOSTLY CREW MEMBER
You do realize that museum ships are typically stripped of all working technology and artillery so you will have absolutely nothing to shoot with, don't you?
ARTILLERY magically appears on the MISSOURI and the crew sails it into BATTLE against the FINAL ALIEN WARSHIP.
Huh, so now our big final battle features a WWII ship... that would be outmatched against our original ships that were themselves outmatched by the regular alien ships who one could only imagine would be outmatched by the big boss ship... versus the big boss ship. This should go great.
It’s okay, I have a brilliant plan that brilliantly combines the Art of War and naval tactics of the 1800s!
Okay, actually I stole it from Pirates of the Caribbean and it depends on them using the same type of weapons as us, which luckily they do. I mean, if they had lasers or sonics or some shit we would be soooo fucked.
TAYLOR SINKS THE FUCK out of the ALIEN BOSS SHIP!
The aliens are about to phone home, we gotta stall them! Go get ‘em, Gregory!
GREGORY D. GADSON
One heroic sacrifice coming up. I’m ready for my death scene, Mr. DeVille!
GREGORY D. GADSON, who has NO LEGS mind you, picks a fight with an ALIEN SOLDIER in full BATTLE-MECH GEAR. But he MIRACULOUSLY HOLDS HIS OWN because you DON'T FUCK WITH OUR VETERANS, BRAH!
EXT. HAWAI'I - A SHORT DISTANCE AWAY
ALIEN GUARD #5
Oh hey, look, some human is fighting our fellow guard. Think we should help?
ALIEN GUARD #2
No… though the survival of our race may hinge upon it, I must respect fair combat.
Aw geez, now some pubeface scientist is wailing on him with a briefcase. That’s just embarrassing, I can’t even watch.
EXT. OCEAN – G3
We need to take out the satellite dishes on Oahu! But we are all out of heavy explosives! If only we had something big and wide to throw at them!
(offering her forehead)
Here! Use this!
RIHANNA’S FOREHEAD CRUSHES the SATELLITE DISHES and ALL THE REMAINING ALIENS! The DEATH YOYOS try to attack, but LIAM NEESON SHOOTS them JUST IN TIME because PATRIOTISM.
EXT. NAVAL CEREMONY - LATER THAT DAY
ALEXANDER is being honoured for his SACRIFICE, but not any of the OTHER DEAD OFFICERS because they weren't the main character's BROTHER so FUCK THEM.
Well, that was close. But clearly by defeating the first wave of aliens, our victory is complete and we'll never see them ever again. And a burrito joke, and we're done. Where's my paycheck?
INT. THE PLANET HAZH’BROH, SOMEWHERE IN THE MIHLL-T’ONBRAH D’LEE SYSTEM
CUE: OMINOUS MUSIC
So, our diplomatic force has been ruthlessly slaughtered by the bloodthirsty humans. I have no choice but to send the main armada, whose commanders know no mercy, only the thrill of devouring new lands! Their thirst for dominance and appetite for power is all they obey, which is why they are known and feared throughout the Galaxy as... the HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS!!!!
And Thanos. We might send Thanos.