"Are you sure my eyes aren't still red? You wouldn't believe how much coke I did last night."


"Are you sure my eyes aren't still red? You wouldn't believe how much coke I did last night."

BACK TO THE FUTURE PART II

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. MICHAEL J. FOX’S YUPPIE HOUSE - 1985

MICHAEL J. FOX

In the last movie I used time travel to achieve personal and financial gain for me and my family and I was awarded with this fancy new truck! Hooray for money!

MICHAEL is approached by his girlfriend CLAUDIA WELLS!

ELISABETH SHUE

(clears throat)

Um, no. I’m Michael’s girlfriend now. This character was only around for about 6 minutes in the first movie so surely I’ll have more to do over the next two movies!

The WRITERS give her roughly an additional 3 MINUTES of screen time. Over TWO MOVIES.

ELISABETH SHUE

You motherfuckers!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD suddenly drives up in his time traveling DELOREAN while wearing a RONALD MCDONALD COSTUME.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Mikey! You have to come back to the future with me!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Oh my God Doc, don’t tell me you swindled another terrorists cell out of their plutonium again?!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

No, I fitted the time machine with a magic coffee grinder that turns trash into energy equal to a lightning bolt or nuclear reaction.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Cool! Maybe it would be a good idea to share that device with the rest of the world in 1985 so we can stop using fossil fuels and start using cheap renewable energy--

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

NO TIME! You and Elisabeth have to come to 2015 with me to save your kids!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Huh? How does that work? If we travel from 1985 to 2015 wouldn’t we have just disappeared from the face of the planet and never had kids? And assuming that wasn’t the case wouldn’t our future selves remember that you told us our kids were in danger thus prompting us to simply move to another state or OH NO I’VE GONE CROSS-EYED.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Don’t worry Mikey, all that matters is that you sit back and enjoy yourself!

(to audience)

That goes for you all too!

Everybody hops inside the DELOREAN.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Doc! We don’t have enough road to get to 88mph!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Really? Because I’m pretty sure I was driving down this exact same road when I time traveled back here. Anyway, the car can fly now, which I will demonstrate to everyone in this neighborhood who’s fortunate enough be on the street or staring out the window! TO THE FUTURE!

THOMAS F. WILSON is the only person on the entire block to witness the DELOREAN fly into the air and disappear into a flash of light.

THOMAS F. WILSON

(actual line)

What the hell is going on here?

(pause)

I mean didn’t I try to rape Michael’s mother and bullied his father in the first movie? And now they’ve hired me to detail their cars? Either Hill Valley has a serious fucking detailing shortage or the McFlys are the most forgiving lot on the entire planet.

EXT. HILL VALLEY - 2015 (THE FUTURE!)

The DELOREAN is stuck in AIR TRAFFIC with all the other FLYING CARS.

MICHAEL J. FOX

I’m sure the terrorists from the first movie must be ecstatic! Who needs a nuclear bomb when you can load a bunch of flying cars with fertilizer and kamikaze them into populated areas!

ELISABETH SHUE

So, given the fact you guys have brought me to the future with you it’s only natural that I’d be curious to know what happens to me over the next 15 yea

(is knocked right the fuck out)

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Sorry but no one should know too much about their future!

MICHAEL J. FOX

You mean like how you revealed to me who I'm going to marry and what terrible fate will befall our kids, for instance?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Precisely!

MICHAEL J. FOX

But you didn’t have to knock Elisabeth out, you could have simply answered her questions with a big fat no.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Except for the fact director Robert Zemeckis didn’t know there would be sequels in which case he never would have let her character get into the car with us in the first movie, thus maintaining our All Boys Club. Zemeckis actually says this in interviews.

MICHAEL J. FOX

So aside from flying cars what’s new in 2015?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

All the fashion is based on terrible 80s predictions, Jaws has 14 sequels including Sharknado, and there are 12 fax machines in every household, because e-mail is for pussies. Also there are no more lawyers so all our prisons are filled with people not rich enough to buy their way out of trouble.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Hey! That one actually comes true!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Now your son Michael Jr is a real dumbass who gets bullied into committing a crime by Grandson Thomas, but you look exactly like your son at this age so just tell Grandson Thomas to go fuck himself.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Eh? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to knock Michael Jr out so he can’t commit the crime? What’s stopping Grandson Thomas from bullying him into doing something else? Or can’t we just plant some drugs in Grandson Thomas’s car? Or Let him carry out the crime without Michael Jr and call the police? Or OH NO I’VE GONE CROSS-EYED AGAIN.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

It’s time travel, Mikey. Try not to think about it too much.

INT. CAFE 80'S

YOUNG ELIJAH WOOD

Holy shit I was in this movie!

OLD THOMAS F. WILSON

Hey Michael, since Chris wouldn’t tell you about your future I’ll fill you in. You ruined your whole life because you make stupid decisions when someone calls you chicken.

MICHAEL J. FOX

I’ll be sure to completely ignore your informative comments about my future.

OLD THOMAS F. WILSON

You know you look so familiar, like this guy I met for a week in 1955 who ruined my entire life and turned me into the pathetic pantywaist I am today. If only I had the chance to somehow go back in time and get back at that asshole.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Ha! Good luck with THAT!

MICHAEL witnesses OLD THOMAS’s grandson bullying MICHAEL JR and knocks him out, thus confirming that the DOUCHEBAG GENE runs in FAMILIES. MICHAEL takes his son’s place.

MICHAEL J. FOX

I refuse to be a part of your silly caper.

GRANDSON THOMAS

Then we have no choice but to rehash the chase scene from the first movie except this time with hover boards.

MATTEL

Which there will certainly be plenty of for sale by 2015!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Oh fuck you, Mattel.

There is a big HOVER BOARD chase and GRANDSON THOMAS’s crew crash into the CLOCK TOWER in which a FEMALE STUNTWOMAN was seriously injured in real life, the knowledge of which makes the AUDIENCE feel like a total SHITHEEL every time they saw her ricochet off of that huge pillar and LAUGHED.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Great. Now that my kids' futures are safe I’ll just buy this Sports Almanac that manages to cram 50 years of sports results into the size of an issue of People’s Magazine! Seriously, this thing should be as thick as five fucking phone books.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

(throws sports book away)

No Mikey! I didn’t create the time machine to get rich! Or advance human medicine! Or avert national disasters! I invented the time machine to travel through time! And to steal future technology for my own personal use! I don’t want to meddle with the future!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Except for when it comes to helping your teenage best friend?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Precisely! Now the cops have found Elisabeth passed out in the alley we dumped her ass in so we have to go get her back!

ROBERT ZEMECKIS

See! We still managed to work Elisabeth’s character into the plot! As a huge burden to the male characters! Hooray for gender equality!

Unbeknownst to MICHAEL and CHRISTOPHER, OLD THOMAS was eavesdropping on their conversation.

OLD THOMAS F. WILSON

Those two rat-fuck sons of bitches! They’re the reason why my life sucks so hard! I’m actually pretty justified in wanting to get back at these jerks who have managed to out-jerk me!

OLD THOMAS waits until MICHAEL and CHRISTOPHER leave the DELOREAN unattended and STEALS IT.

OLD THOMAS F. WILSON

Now, to figure out how to work this complex and completely unknown piece of technology, as us elderly folk are prone to do.

(2 seconds later)

Got it!

He TRAVELS BACK TO THE PAST!

That's right, a character who was incapable of properly telling a fucking KNOCK KNOCK JOKE figures out how to operate a TIME MACHINE.

INT. MICHAEL AND ELISABETH’S FUTURE YUPPIE HOUSE

ELISABETH wakes up and WACKY HIJINKS ensue involving MICHAEL JR, OLD MICHAEL, MICHELLE J. FOX, OLD LEA THOMPSON and OLD NOT CRISPIN GLOVER.

ELISABETH SHUE

Oh no! I’ve discovered Michael is going to ruin his life on a dare! And I just witnessed Old Michael ruin his life on a dare by engaging in illegal activity over an easily monitored Skype conversation that he could have simply completed in person and not have gotten caught! Why did I fall in love with such a raging dumbass?

Before ELISABETH can use this knowledge to help her future husband she FAINTS after seeing her OLDER SELF.

ELISABETH SHUE

I really don’t see why this is such a huge shock to me given I know I’m in the future and I’ve seen everyone else that’s older.

ROBERT ZEMECKIS

You’re a woman. Women faint. That’s just science.

OLD THOMAS returns the DELOREAN just in time for MICHAEL, CHRISTOPHER and ELISABETH to travel BACK IN TIME!

EXT. HILL VALLEY - 1985 (THE PRESENT!)

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Elisabeth has served her purpose so let's abandon her on her front porch in the middle of the night.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Are you sure? What if this turns out to be a dangerous neighborhood rife with thieves, murderers and rapists?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

She’ll be fine! And by fine I mean safely away from the plot for the rest of this movie and all of the next!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Why does Robert Zemeckis hate Elisabeth’s character so much?

MICHAEL returns to his neighborhood to find it has turned into a WAR ZONE caused by THOMAS, who is now DONALD TRUMP.

BREASTY LEA THOMPSON

Also your father Crispin Glover was replaced because he demanded an increase in salary.

MICHAEL J. FOX

In the future they call that pulling a “Terrence Howard”.

INT. CHRISTOPHER’S LAB

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Old Thomas used the time machine to go back and give his 1955 self the sports book and now he’s richer than God.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Then let’s just go back to 2015 and stop Old Thomas from going back!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

We can’t because we will be going to the alternate 2015 based on the current time-line.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Then how the fuck was Old Thomas able to return the DeLorean to the original 2015 time-line in the first place? And wouldn’t changing the past make the sports book disappear since I couldn’t have bought it in the first place based on the new time-line? In fact shouldn’t the hover board have disappeared too? And OH SHIT I’M CROSS-EYED A-FUCKING-GAIN.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Look, we’re making up the rules as we go along, okay? Now you need to go find out when 2015 Thomas gave 1955 Thomas the book so we can go steal it back!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Or, and bear with me here, what if we go back to 1955 and simply kill Thomas?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Mikey!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Okay maybe not kill him, but permanently blind him perhaps? I'm just saying, all of our problems would be solved if we just iced that dick-bag.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Murder is not the answer! Constantly fucking with time travel and causing huge catastrophic rifts is! Now get to it!

INT. THOMAS’S BAD TASTE PENTHOUSE

THOMAS is watching A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS because FORESHADOWING.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Tell me how you got the sports book.

THOMAS F. WILSON

Older me gave it to younger me in 1955 the same day you used the time machine to travel back to 1985.

(pulls a gun)

Also he told me to kill anyone who came asking about it. Also I killed your dad Crispin Glover. Also I--

MICHAEL J. FOX

(escapes!)

THOMAS F. WILSON

Hey come back here! I wasn't done gloating! Hey!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Doc! We need to go back to 1955! But we’d better go get Elisabeth and our dog first!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

No way. The last thing we need ruining our male bonding is a couple of bitches.

MICHAEL J. FOX

But Doc, the dog is male--

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

YOU HEARD ME! TO THE PAST!

They travel BACK TO THE PAST SOME MORE!

EXT. HILL VALLEY - 1955 (THE PAST! AGAIN!)

MICHAEL tails THOMAS by walking exactly THREE INCHES BEHIND HIM because MICHAEL doesn’t understand the concept of TAILING. Luckily THOMAS is a total MORON and doesn’t notice him.

OLD THOMAS F. WILSON

Here, take this sports book and use it to make me-- err, I mean you rich!

THOMAS F. WILSON

As was just mentioned, I’m a total moron so I won’t question why or how this book predicts the future!

OLD THOMAS F. WILSON

Oooh, you’re me alright!

MICHAEL hides in the back of THOMAS’s car and talks to CHRISTOPHER on a walkie-talkie, which THOMAS doesn’t hear because TOTAL MORON, REMEMBER?

EXT. ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SEA DANCE (TAKE 2)

MICHAEL reexperiences the events from the LAST MOVIE but from a different perspective so ROBERT ZEMECKIS can go nuts with the VISUAL EFFECTS (as usual).

The film also goes really far out of its way to NOT SHOW CRISPIN GLOVER’S FACE because FUCK THAT GUY FOR WANTING A RAISE LIKE THE REST OF THE CAST GOT, WHAT A DIPSHIT.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Doc! I got the book from Thomas, but my past self knocked me out and Thomas took the book back!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

You mean your past self was too stupid to notice he’d knocked out a guy that looked exactly like him?

MICHAEL J. FOX

Well that depends, did you also run into your past self who was too dumb to realize he was talking to a guy who looked and sounded exactly like him?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Touché.

They fly after THOMAS in the DELOREAN. MICHAEL is lowered onto THOMAS’s car using the HOVER BOARD he stole from a little girl in THE FUTURE.

MICHAEL J. FOX

As we have already established, Thomas is completely oblivious to his surroundings so I’ll just sneak up on him and

(is punched right in the goddamn face)

THOMAS F. WILSON

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?! WHY DO YOU KEEP TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE?! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Besides tormenting my father and attempting to rape my mother? You go on to kill my father and ruin Hill Valley. Trust me, by stealing the book from you I actually extend your life by at least two decades since Lea shoots alternate future you to death in a deleted scene.

THOMAS F. WILSON

Oh. Well. In that case take the book.

MICHAEL J. FOX

And you take this conveniently placed manure truck to the face!

MICHAEL shits on THOMAS (kinda literally) and escapes with the book! MICHAEL burns it and undoes all of THOMAS’s future bullshit.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Okay Doc, now you just land the DeLorean so we can go home.

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

I can’t! The raging thunderstorm in the skies above me is preventing me from doing so!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Huh? You can’t just lower the DeLorean straight down like you’ve demonstrated countless times already?

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Nope!

MICHAEL J. FOX

But if the car is struck by lightning you could accidentally be flung through time!

CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

No I can’t. That’s not how the time machine works. I have to be going 88mph in order for the time circuits to

(is struck by lightning and flung through time!)

WHOOPS GUESS I WAS WROOOOOOOOOOOOONGGGGG

WESTERN UNION

(appearing)

Mikey? I have a letter from Doc. It says he was sent back to 1885.

MICHAEL J. FOX

You mean you guys kept that letter for 70 years and no one ever lost it or opened it?

WESTERN UNION

Seems that way.

MICHAEL J. FOX

But what if your office had burned down? Or collapsed in an earth quake? Or what if the letter was simply misplaced? I mean what mail organization would actually agree to deliver a letter 70 years after its postage and then actually do it? Insert fourth cross-eyed joke.

WESTERN UNION

Dude. Time travel. Thinking too much. Just enjoy it. Derp.

EXT. CLOCK TOWER

The climax of the PREVIOUS MOVIE is replayed in case you FORGOT WHAT HAPPENS. PAST MICHAEL goes back in time just as CURRENT MICHAEL shows up to talk to PAST CHRISTOPHER.

PAST CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

I’m so excited from seeing my future time machine work that I don’t notice this other Michael calling my name and touching me.

MICHAEL J. FOX

Doc!

PAST CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Mikey?

MICHAEL J. FOX

Doc!

PAST CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

Mikey!

MICHAEL J. FOX

Doc!

PAST CHRISTOPHER LLOYD

(faints)

MICHAEL J. FOX

See? Not only chicks faint. In your face science!

(looks around)

Hey, where the fuck are all the people at? Christopher attached a huge lightning rod to the clock tower and absolutely NO ONE saw the DeLorean speeding down the street at 90mph? WHAT THE HELL MAN?!

ROBERT ZEMECKIS

Now, to show a trailer for the final installment which is set in the old west! Because the same audience that went to see a nostalgic comedy set in the 50s and a futuristic comedy set in the 2010s would definitely go see a comedy set in the wild west!

TO BE CONCLUDED...


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