Australia: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Jan 21st, 2009 |
68 Comments
| Movie: 
"Tee-hee, water is wet!"
FADE IN:
EXT. NORTHERN AUSTRALIA
NICOLE KIDMAN is taking INDIANA-JONES-TRANSITION-AIRLINES to AUSTRALIA to help sell her husbands CATTLE RANCH, FARAWAY DOWNS. She runs into HUGH JACKMAN doing manly things like fighting.
NICOLE KIDMAN
Excuse me, I’m looking for someone with an adamantium skeleton to help me get to my husband’s cattle ranch. Would you mind?
HUGH JACKMAN
Sure thing, love. Let me jus’ bash yer suitcase over some fella’s head like this is a Tom ‘n’ Jerry cartoon.
NICOLE KIDMAN
You’re not going to do that overblown phony Australian accent the whole movie, are you?
HUGH JACKMAN
Actually, I’m originally from Australia just like you. This is an authentic accent, we actually sound like this.
NICOLE KIDMAN
Australia sucks.
HUGH JACKMAN
Funny, that’s exactly what everyone’s been saying when they leave the movie theater.
HUGH fights people using NICOLE’S LUGGAGE, causing her undergarments to fly around and embarrass her, how delightful!
NICOLE KIDMAN
Let me introduce myself. My name is Sarah.
HUGH JACKMAN
Hmm. Not sissy enough to contrast my rugged manliness.
NICOLE KIDMAN
Sarah Ashley. That’s two girly names.
HUGH JACKMAN
Better. I think I’ll call you Lady Sarah Ashley to be safe. I’m your husband’s cattle drover, Mister–
NICOLE KIDMAN
There’s no time for your name, we have to cram in a western, a murder mystery, a war movie, a romance, a tragedy, some native mysticism, and a message about racism. I’ll just call you “Drover”.
They set off toward FARAWAY DOWNS. NICOLE finds that her husband has been killed.
NICOLE KIDMAN
Faced with my husband’s death, I see no option other than to drive these cattle to the seaport and sell them to the army. Either that or collect his life insurance and get the fuck out of this hellhole.
HUGH JACKMAN
But all we have is a ragtag group of inexperienced ranchers. We’re doomed unless you were to suddenly discover the strong, iron-willed rancher inside of you.
NICOLE KIDMAN
No problem, I’ll just use my script from Cold Mountain. Alright, introduce me to our crew, Ms. Zellweger.
BRANDON WALTERS
I’m a mixed-race boy living on the ranch in secret! You may think that, because I narrated the movie that I’m the main character, but in fact my role as a non-white is merely to help you white folks with your problems.
NICOLE KIDMAN
What an offensive movie cliche. I don’t suppose you have magical powers too.
BRANDON WALTERS
As a matter of fact, I do! Baz Luhrmann left no cliche unturned.
NICOLE KIDMAN
God. Alright well, let’s drive these cattle to the city! It’ll be like City Slickers, except depressingly unfunny.
HUGH JACKMAN
So, exactly like City Slickers.
BRANDON, NICOLE, HUGH, and a few other forgettable characters drive the cattle while trying as hard as possible to make the tonal shift from SCREWBALL COMEDY to WESTERN work at all.
NICOLE KIDMAN
As a proper Englishwoman, I want to make absolutely sure that I don’t get along with a rugged outdoorsman such as yourself until at least 3 scenes which show off your bare chest, at which point we may fall in love.
HUGH JACKMAN
Sounds good on the sole condition that you show absolutely no skin at all.
Every possible scene that anyone who has ever seen a movie before could foresee happens EXACTLY as they would predict, including a scene in which the mustache-twirling villain, DAVID WENHAM, causes a stampede in the middle of the night!
HUGH JACKMAN
Oh no! Our cattle are running off a cliff!
NICOLE KIDMAN
They must have heard that this movie is nearly three hours long! After them!
BRANDON stops the stampede, now in the middle of the afternoon for some reason.
DAVID WENHAM
You may have won this round, but you haven’t seen the last of Davidly Whiplash!
Eventually, NICOLE, HUGH, and BRANDON get the cattle to the town of DARWIN! The army pays for the cattle, who are ushered onto a ship to be slaughtered. Everyone celebrates except VEGETARIANS, who find this to be one of the most fucked up movie scenes ever.
NICOLE KIDMAN
I’ve been invited to a grand ball since that’s the only thing missing from this movie. Would you care to join me?
HUGH JACKMAN
Hmm. Will I have to shave?
NICOLE KIDMAN
Only your face. You can leave that sasquatch on your chest. Feel free to strike an utterly ridiculous pose when you enter as well.
BRANDON WALTERS
What should I do for the end of the movie, Ms. Kidman?
NICOLE KIDMAN
You should help us pay homage to The Wizard of Oz. And by pay homage, I mean rip fistfuls of the movie out and shove them awkwardly into this one.
HUGH JACKMAN
The Wizard of Oz isn’t released in Australia until next year.
NICOLE KIDMAN
What a boneheaded mistake. It becomes a central motif for the rest of the movie.
HUGH JACKMAN
Rest of the movie? The movie’s over, baby. We got the cattle to the ship. Everyone’s happy.
NICOLE KIDMAN
Oh geeze. You didn’t read the script, did you?
HUGH JACKMAN
Of course not. Baz Luhrmann scripts are always written in crayon and have glitter glued all over them.
Suddenly, a whole extra movie about WORLD WAR II is shot with the same cast and appended to the end of this movie.
HUGH, NICOLE, and BRANDON are all separated as the JAPANESE ARMY blows the town to SHIT.
HUGH JACKMAN
In a move that nobody could have possibly seen coming, I’ve decided I want to settle down and be a father after many years of rugged manly outdoor loner things. I must go rescue Brandon. Ruggedly.
He goes to find BRANDON on some random island that’s been blown half to hell. Somehow, this succeeds!
BRANDON WALTERS
I sang you to me!
HUGH JACKMAN
Ugh, what a stupid line. I hope I don’t have to hear you say that fifty more times or anything.
BRANDON WALTERS
Mr. Jackman, can I ask you a question?
HUGH JACKMAN
You want to know how I found you, right? See, I found this row of burnt shoes, which somehow told me something about the kids on this island despite the fact that they are all wearing their shoes…
BRANDON WALTERS
No, I want to know why you’re a movie star. I just realized you haven’t been in a single good movie other than X-Men.
HUGH JACKMAN
You must have never smelled a movie theater full of women when I take my shirt off.
HUGH and BRANDON are reunited with NICOLE. It’s so joyful that the AUDIENCE is supposed to forget about the thousands of other people who were just killed.
HUGH JACKMAN
Will this movie ever end? I’m considering shooting a hole in my skull so I have something to piss into.
NICOLE KIDMAN
I think it’s finally over. Baz Lurhman is sure to be out of genres to cram into this movie by now.
HUGH JACKMAN
Was this even a movie, or was it one of those Oscar recaps with clips from all of the year’s movies spliced together?
NICOLE KIDMAN
With nearly three hours of total film, did we learn anything at all from this movie?
BRANDON WALTERS
Sure we did. Australia sucks.
END
Rod,
A few things:
1) In this case you did not save me $12 that I instead contributed to my failing 401k as I never intended to see this smoldering pile of crap.
2) I commend you – as you clearly show a great deal of patience and fortitude for managing to withstand this smoldering pile of crap.
3) As you so eloquently point out, I too do not understand why Hugh Jackman is a movie star. To that end, why is Nicole Kidman a movie star? What is the last good or successful film that she has put out? I absolutely cannot stand to look at her or her botox laden cranium anymore.
4) Who greenlit this piece of s$!t film and how did they justify a $130 million budget for it? Did that Joel Madoff guy oversee this ponzi scheme of a budget and get a production credit on it? If so, then why is it not a Kevin Bacon / Kyra Sedgewick vehicle?
Overall a great job on your script. Considering you had next to nothing to work with I would venture to guess (as I will go out of my way to never watch this film) that you managed to make things more interesting than the actual movie.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:22 amDamnit. When will you do the Abridged script for Order of the Phoenix?! It keeps being post-poned by other scripts. This has been going on for several months.
January 21st, 2009 at 8:52 amYeah, fuck this movie.
But Hugh Jackman was in The Prestige and The Fountain (both better than X-Men) so fuck you too.
Let’s have sex.
January 21st, 2009 at 9:31 amAwesome! I wouldn’t have guessed Australia sucked that much. Ah well, makes me happy to know I didn’t watch it and it sucked!
Hilariously done, as usual!
January 21st, 2009 at 9:43 amI’d agree that The Prestige was both a good movie and better than X-Men, but I think The Fountain was too much a product of one man’s artistic vision to be a “good movie”. Yeah, it was colorful and thought provoking, but it didn’t really have any of the qualities that make a movie, period, let alone a good one; like a plot, for instance. It was like abstract art on film. Pink Floyd’s The Wall was more coherent.
January 21st, 2009 at 10:56 amThe Fountain was garbage.
January 21st, 2009 at 11:47 amI laughed my a$$ off when I read the line “You must never have smelled a movie theatre full of women when I take my shirt off”. Because that is the God’s honest truth.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:03 pmFuck off, Jim.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:52 pmX-Men also sucked.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:10 pmThere’s a typo in the first section of Brandon Walters’ dialogue: “I narrated the movie that I’m the main character, but in fact my role as a non-white is merely to help you while folks with your problems.” I think you probably meant “white” folks. Otherwise, a spectacularly funny script, as per usual.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:23 pmI think it should be obvious by now that Rod DOES NOT want to review Order of the Phoenix. This guy REALLY seems to hate that movie franchise.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:17 pmI’ll do Order of the Phoenix eventually, I just haven’t had a lot of time. I plan to at least get it done before I post the one for the next Potter movie.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:20 pmRod needs to do “Slumdog Millionaire.” As great as it was, it deserves an abridged script from Rod.
I also thank Rod for making me write little abridged moments in my head whenever I see a movie.
January 21st, 2009 at 4:07 pmLol. I’m from NZ and I live in Australia. Yes I also think NZ has an effed accent. But seriously, pretty biased coming from people in a country who the whole world thinks talks like shit.
Once you adapt to hearing an accent all the time, the word accent hardly comes to mind.
Americans pay out regional and state accents in their own country.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:05 pmI live in Australia too, Sydney CBD and Western Suburbs. I have never heard an accent that was as disgusting as Hugh Wackmans.
Great script Rod, long time fan. Keep up the great work.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:07 pmIs Inkheart also going to be ripping fistfuls out of Wizard of Oz? Because if so, then I’m out.
January 21st, 2009 at 6:16 pm“You must have never smelled a movie theater full of women when I take my shirt off.”
. . . Mmm, Hugh Jackman shirtless . . . Hey, isn’t this movie coming out on DVD soon? :P
January 22nd, 2009 at 12:04 amRod for the love of GOD do The Spirit, worst comic book movie since Batman and Robin!!!
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:27 amHey, THE FOUNTAIN didn’t suck!
January 22nd, 2009 at 2:51 amMan, I wish you had posted this before I had the misfortune of actually seeing the movie myself. As it is, pretty good script, but I can think of lots of things you missed.
For one thing, you teased Hugh Jackman’s accent but didn’t even mention the little kid’s, which is even more overblown and ridiculous. “You should’em hab mentioned me redikkulus accent’em, toopid white fella! Me gon be tellin’ da Missus Boss!” This movie was so full of cliche’s that I predicted EVERY single plot element before it happened. “That fat drunk guy? See how they’re making him all likeable right now, even though he’s obviously an unimportant character? He’ll be the first one to die.” Etc. But I never, EVER could have predicted how long the movie was going to be. This movie reminded me of King Kong: terrible period piece starring some plastic blonde woman, which tries to be way too dramatic and is DECADES too long. I went in young and full of hope, and left old and cynical.
Anyway, when you do Order of the Phoenix, be sure to mention how the director insists on turning EVERYTHING into a montage sequence set to music. Need to show the new teacher lady being mean? Montage sequence. Need to show Harry is training the useless “army” of kids who still get caught effortlessly in the end? Montage sequence… God, that movie was boring.
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:04 am“Baz Luhrmann scripts are always written in crayon and have glitter glued all over them.”
:-DDDD
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:36 amLoved that!
“I just realized you haven’t been in a single good movie other than X-Men.”
Actually, The Fountain was pretty good.
Great script!
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:44 amyou didn’t make a single joke about the kids grandfather? god he could disapear everywhere and could do magic but gets arrested just like that? the movie was so cliched and the world war II part just seemed so unnecessary bah one of the worst movies i’ve seen in theathers
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:20 amNo. The Fountain was bad. Interesting concept but poorly fleshed out. Beautiful cinematography that was randomly edited together. Three potentially good stories crammed into one sloppy mess. A beautifully sculpted turd is still a turd.
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:42 amPink Floyd’s The Wall was more coherent.
I hope you weren’t down playing The Wall, seeing as as far as concept-albums-turned-into-films go it is the best ever done. Want more evidence, just look at every other concept album turned into a movie, so you’d have to start with The Who’s Tommy, then do Quadrephania[sp] and go up, I guarantee you you would not find one better than The Wall.
Any ways, back to other things, like the fact that as usual the real start in The Prestige was Christian Bale, Hugh was just being a smug douche for most of that movie.
I wonder what my friend, who is absolutely obsessed with Baz Lurhman and Nicole Kidman, would say about this script since she said the movie was awesome and continues to find ways to bring that up in daily conversation. I have my doubts about this movie since the only good movie Baz did was Strictly Ballroom and than one was pretty fucked up.
January 22nd, 2009 at 1:20 pmThe Wall was great. But it wasn’t a movie per se, it was an hour and a half long music video. A lot of only vaguely related images montaged together. Just like The Fountain, which wasn’t great because it wasn’t *supposed* to be borderline incoherent.
True, Bale’s ‘trick’ had the titular Prestige, but it was a good movie and Jackman was in it. Those were the only criteria specifically set forth in the script. ;)
January 22nd, 2009 at 8:20 pmOi! Back off City Slickers!
I was sick with the flu once, felt terrible all over. Popped in a tape with Billy Crystal, the late Bruno Kirby and That Narrator from Wonder Years, and instantly felt better. The movie ends, I go back to feeling horrible. So I watched it all day, five times in a row, even keeping it going in the background when making lunch or something.
That movie heals the sick!
January 22nd, 2009 at 9:31 pmSee with that in mind I do agree, because to like The Wall, one has to have listened to the album at least 10 times before watching the movie (I think I heard it over 50 times by the time I finally found the movie at the library) but you also would probably notice by now that I’m one of those people that if you mention Pink Floyd and anything by Pink Floyd, excluding The Final Cut, then you are hopefully saying good things or bad things start to happen to you (and I never thought I would ever say that in my life because I didn’t realize till just now how much I like Pink Floyd)
Just thought I would give an explanation for just flipping on my previous comment. And again with The Prestige, yeah when in the context I see your point.
January 22nd, 2009 at 11:41 pmThe Prestige was awesome.
This movie makes me embarrassed to be australian
January 23rd, 2009 at 4:39 amGlad I didn’t see this, and now I don’t need to.
Although I would say Jackman’s been in ONE more good movie, at least… like, say X2? Can’t comment on The Prestige for the only Nolan movie I’ve seen barring the Batman flicks is Insomnia.
January 23rd, 2009 at 6:57 amAt last. I was starting to think you’d fucking died.
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:24 amThe Prestige was great. And City Slickers is a classic (RIP Bruno).
Love your stuff, love your site, but fuck off.
And keep ‘em coming!
January 23rd, 2009 at 10:34 amHey, Hugh Jackman was in The Prestige and that movie was great!
January 23rd, 2009 at 12:45 pmThis was great, thank you. (The Prestige was good, the Fountain was not bad, the end.)
January 23rd, 2009 at 5:58 pmReally?! I forgot he was in that… you’re right, good point!
January 23rd, 2009 at 7:34 pmFirst of all, Prestige was good, and Bale was barely in it compared to Jackman, so it was his movie, not Bale’s, second, The Fountain was good, it’s only incoherent if you’re not paying attention and shut your brain off when you watch a movie, which isn’t the movies fault. This routine may work fine for most movies, but you have to figure The Fountain out to enjoy it.
Though I do agree, apart from those, and the first 2 xmen movies, Jackman hasn’t been in anything really great, just entertaining. I do have to say, I prefer him in all these popcorn flicks and whatnot, as opposed to churning out dog shit oscar bait like Will Smith, watching Seven Pounds I felt like somebody was just beating me with an oscar award over the head as a composer played touching music in the background.
January 24th, 2009 at 4:41 amhuh, if that’s the case then that makes The Curious Case of Benjamin Button make a whole lot more sense now
January 25th, 2009 at 1:43 amThat’s like saying 300 was about the Persians because there were more Persians in the movie than there were Spartans.
Bale and Jackman had about equal screen time and, as I already mentioned, the movie was named for Bale’s final “performance” in the film.
When did I say I didn’t enjoy The Fountain? I just said it wasn’t a very good movie.
**SPOILER**
Two hours of conversations, concluded by his wife dying. Again. Just as he finishes his several-thousand-year-long trip. In a spaceship ripped-off from a movie made in 1985, no less. Interesting concepts, but not a good movie.
January 25th, 2009 at 8:34 amI just don’t get why people like the X-Men movies so much. I liked the X-men as a kid, but when I saw the movie, I was thoroughly disappointed. It was just so shallow and boring. The costumes sucked, and the casting was awful (apart from Patrick Stewart and…maybe…Hugh Jackman). To me “X-Men” was one of those movies that I couldn’t wait for to end.
January 25th, 2009 at 10:40 amThis script confirms my feelings. I shall now go and rape rod and give birth to his babies.
January 25th, 2009 at 11:06 am“Will I have to shave?”
“Only your face. You can leave that sasquatch on your chest”
LMAO! That’s one kick-ass line that’s just made my day. Thanks
January 26th, 2009 at 4:54 amThanks Baz- You just ruined my country for me!
I dont think anyone in Australia has actually seen more than a few minutes of this film before getting bored and digging out the old Romeo and Juliet dvd (from when we weren’t ashamed of the Baz).
January 27th, 2009 at 8:34 amPossibly because of the misleading title.
I’m quite offended by this. I’m australian and we don’t sound like tools. Some people do but a majority of us don’t. whoever the hell wrote this hasn’t ever heard an ACTUAL human australian in person talking.
January 29th, 2009 at 8:06 pmExcept for Hugh Jackman in the movie. Is he not human, or not actual?
January 29th, 2009 at 10:24 pm900 dollary-doos?!?
January 29th, 2009 at 11:19 pmRod, I don’t give a shit if you take requests. I want one of these scripts for Benjiman Button.
January 30th, 2009 at 11:26 pmBullfrogs?! I’ve been callin’ em Chazz-wozzers!
January 31st, 2009 at 12:19 amI’m trying to decide who makes worse films: Baz Luhrmann or Uwe Boll?
Tough call.
I think the best test is to see which films are better to watch on hallucinogens. Bloodrayne and In the Name of the King would be kind of amazing, whereas Australia or Moulin Rouge would induce psychosis.
And Uwe Boll gave us a half-naked Kristanna Loken, whereas Baz Luhrmann made Ewan McGregor sing.
Come to think of it, it’s not that close.
Best line of the abridged script was the caption. Laughed so hard I had trouble reading the beginning.
February 1st, 2009 at 1:03 pmPhixius, nobody cares what you think, so I ignored your comment past the point where I realized it was a response to mine.
February 6th, 2009 at 1:03 amI find this pretty offensive as well, being Australian. I hated the movie, but there’s no need to be a dick to us.
February 8th, 2009 at 10:46 amaarsco says:
You must be new.
February 8th, 2009 at 11:00 amOmg! Rod posted a comment! I will rape it!
February 8th, 2009 at 10:04 pmRE:Professor Doctor Robot
Of course no one cares. I’ve no delusions to that end. I’m just sharing. It’s quite obvious that you don’t care in the slightest. Ignoring, of course, the bit of attention you gave my opinions when you A)Responded to them in the first place, B)Felt the need to post only to tell me that you’re ignoring them now, and C)Your response to this post. Which, now I’ve said that, hopefully won’t come just to prove me wrong. Of course if you do respond, just to prove I was wrong about *that*, I’ll still have been right about it. Damn, you’re stuck friend. Cheers!
February 9th, 2009 at 5:29 am–
Also, ms. Rouge: OMG!!!1!1 Rape is so funny! Please make more sexual assault jokes! Maybe some about kids too, those are the best! Incidentally… how, pray tell, do you “rape” a digital message? ‘Cuz to be perfectly honest I’m flummoxed on that one.
How pretentious!
February 9th, 2009 at 7:16 amThanks, I do what I can.
February 9th, 2009 at 8:51 pmUgh Baz Luhrman sucks. There are a million and one inspiring stories about the Australian outback, fictional and true, that could have been turned into better movies than this piece of crap.
February 13th, 2009 at 3:54 amAustralian film as a rule tend to be crap. Did anyone really expect this was going to be a good one?
All Baz Lurman did with this steaming turd was gut the Australian film commission budget and basically ensure the market shuns Aussie projects for the next five years.
Cheers Baz you dick weed. Retire already!
February 20th, 2009 at 3:26 amThere were two points in this abridged script that make me feel like after he wrote them, the author stopped typing, stuck out his tongue, did the “dual pistol” movement with his hands, and snickered like Eric in “Billy Madison.”
March 1st, 2009 at 7:33 pmSaber-Scorpion Says:
Anyway, when you do Order of the Phoenix, be sure to mention how the director insists on turning EVERYTHING into a montage sequence set to music. Need to show the new teacher lady being mean? Montage sequence. Need to show Harry is training the useless “army” of kids who still get caught effortlessly in the end? Montage sequence…
While I understand that you are trying to make a point that there were tooo many montage sequences for that movie, you should bare in mind the fact that that film was based off of a 600 page book and was crammed into a 2.5 hour movie. As far as I and probably many rational thinkers, it was a good way to adapt the book without it seeming like the director had axed half the book. I still think Chamber of Secrets was the only good Harry Potter film (despite the fact that they all kind of blow) but Order of the Phoenix was a good attempt.
April 7th, 2009 at 11:08 amRod Hilton Says:
You must be new.
Actually, I’m not, I’ve read all your stuff from a while back… Guess it’s easy to laugh at others when it doesn’t personally offend you. I wasn’t actually that insulted when I posted that… just inebriated…
April 15th, 2009 at 6:47 am@aarsco.
Ah, well, my friend, think of this (comments esp.) as an illustration of how *Americans* don’t even *need* us to stereotype them… they do it all by themselves;)
(And :p to the rest of you.)
And you must admit, some of the script was pretty funny.
April 25th, 2009 at 7:12 pmwatch it im austrailain.
May 11th, 2009 at 6:51 pmFuck America.
Bunch of uneducated, ignorant, self-obssessed cocks.
Btw – Australia sucks. Not the countery. The movie.
June 15th, 2009 at 8:20 pmTempo Jempo: By the way, you are totally not helping your own image there, buddy. Also, way to completely stereotype the entire country. Could you be any more ignorant yourself? I mean, really?
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:50 pm"Everyone celebrates except VEGETARIANS, who find this to be one of the most fucked up movie scenes ever."
Win.
August 21st, 2009 at 7:54 pmWow, that movie sounds god-awful.
September 24th, 2009 at 8:55 amCome on. Nice script, but Australia wasn't that bad really. I can think of many lamer movies. It was just overhyped.
November 5th, 2009 at 12:02 pmfuck you cunt.
January 19th, 2010 at 2:58 pm