"Tee-hee, water is wet!"


"Tee-hee, water is wet!"

AUSTRALIA

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. NORTHERN AUSTRALIA

NICOLE KIDMAN is taking INDIANA-JONES-TRANSITION-AIRLINES to AUSTRALIA to help sell her husbands CATTLE RANCH, FARAWAY DOWNS. She runs into HUGH JACKMAN doing manly things like fighting.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Excuse me, I'm looking for someone with an adamantium skeleton to help me get to my husband's cattle ranch. Would you mind?

HUGH JACKMAN

Sure thing, love. Let me jus' bash yer suitcase over some fella's head like this is a Tom 'n' Jerry cartoon.

NICOLE KIDMAN

You're not going to do that overblown phony Australian accent the whole movie, are you?

HUGH JACKMAN

Actually, I'm originally from Australia just like you. This is an authentic accent, we actually sound like this.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Australia sucks.

HUGH JACKMAN

Funny, that's exactly what everyone's been saying when they leave the movie theater.

HUGH fights people using NICOLE'S LUGGAGE, causing her undergarments to fly around and embarrass her, how delightful!

NICOLE KIDMAN

Let me introduce myself. My name is Sarah.

HUGH JACKMAN

Hmm. Not sissy enough to contrast my rugged manliness.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Sarah Ashley. That's two girly names.

HUGH JACKMAN

Better. I think I'll call you Lady Sarah Ashley to be safe. I'm your husband's cattle drover, Mister--

NICOLE KIDMAN

There's no time for your name, we have to cram in a western, a murder mystery, a war movie, a romance, a tragedy, some native mysticism, and a message about racism. I'll just call you "Drover".

They set off toward FARAWAY DOWNS. NICOLE finds that her husband has been killed.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Faced with my husband's death, I see no option other than to drive these cattle to the seaport and sell them to the army. Either that or collect his life insurance and get the fuck out of this hellhole.

HUGH JACKMAN

But all we have is a ragtag group of inexperienced ranchers. We're doomed unless you were to suddenly discover the strong, iron-willed rancher inside of you.

NICOLE KIDMAN

No problem, I'll just use my script from Cold Mountain. Alright, introduce me to our crew, Ms. Zellweger.

BRANDON WALTERS

I'm a mixed-race boy living on the ranch in secret! You may think that, because I narrated the movie that I'm the main character, but in fact my role as a non-white is merely to help you white folks with your problems.

NICOLE KIDMAN

What an offensive movie cliche. I don't suppose you have magical powers too.

BRANDON WALTERS

As a matter of fact, I do! Baz Luhrmann left no cliche unturned.

NICOLE KIDMAN

God. Alright well, let's drive these cattle to the city! It'll be like City Slickers, except depressingly unfunny.

HUGH JACKMAN

So, exactly like City Slickers.

BRANDON, NICOLE, HUGH, and a few other forgettable characters drive the cattle while trying as hard as possible to make the tonal shift from SCREWBALL COMEDY to WESTERN work at all.

NICOLE KIDMAN

As a proper Englishwoman, I want to make absolutely sure that I don't get along with a rugged outdoorsman such as yourself until at least 3 scenes which show off your bare chest, at which point we may fall in love.

HUGH JACKMAN

Sounds good on the sole condition that you show absolutely no skin at all.

Every possible scene that anyone who has ever seen a movie before could foresee happens EXACTLY as they would predict, including a scene in which the mustache-twirling villain, DAVID WENHAM, causes a stampede in the middle of the night!

HUGH JACKMAN

Oh no! Our cattle are running off a cliff!

NICOLE KIDMAN

They must have heard that this movie is nearly three hours long! After them!

BRANDON stops the stampede, now in the middle of the afternoon for some reason.

DAVID WENHAM

You may have won this round, but you haven't seen the last of Davidly Whiplash!

Eventually, NICOLE, HUGH, and BRANDON get the cattle to the town of DARWIN! The army pays for the cattle, who are ushered onto a ship to be slaughtered. Everyone celebrates except VEGETARIANS, who find this to be one of the most fucked up movie scenes ever.

NICOLE KIDMAN

I've been invited to a grand ball since that's the only thing missing from this movie. Would you care to join me?

HUGH JACKMAN

Hmm. Will I have to shave?

NICOLE KIDMAN

Only your face. You can leave that sasquatch on your chest. Feel free to strike an utterly ridiculous pose when you enter as well.

BRANDON WALTERS

What should I do for the end of the movie, Ms. Kidman?

NICOLE KIDMAN

You should help us pay homage to The Wizard of Oz. And by pay homage, I mean rip fistfuls of the movie out and shove them awkwardly into this one.

HUGH JACKMAN

The Wizard of Oz isn't released in Australia until next year.

NICOLE KIDMAN

What a boneheaded mistake. It becomes a central motif for the rest of the movie.

HUGH JACKMAN

Rest of the movie? The movie's over, baby. We got the cattle to the ship. Everyone's happy.

NICOLE KIDMAN

Oh geeze. You didn't read the script, did you?

HUGH JACKMAN

Of course not. Baz Luhrmann scripts are always written in crayon and have glitter glued all over them.

Suddenly, a whole extra movie about WORLD WAR II is shot with the same cast and appended to the end of this movie.

HUGH, NICOLE, and BRANDON are all separated as the JAPANESE ARMY blows the town to SHIT.

HUGH JACKMAN

In a move that nobody could have possibly seen coming, I've decided I want to settle down and be a father after many years of rugged manly outdoor loner things. I must go rescue Brandon. Ruggedly.

He goes to find BRANDON on some random island that's been blown half to hell. Somehow, this succeeds!

BRANDON WALTERS

I sang you to me!

HUGH JACKMAN

Ugh, what a stupid line. I hope I don't have to hear you say that fifty more times or anything.

BRANDON WALTERS

Mr. Jackman, can I ask you a question?

HUGH JACKMAN

You want to know how I found you, right? See, I found this row of burnt shoes, which somehow told me something about the kids on this island despite the fact that they are all wearing their shoes...

BRANDON WALTERS

No, I want to know why you're a movie star. I just realized you haven't been in a single good movie other than X-Men.

HUGH JACKMAN

You must have never smelled a movie theater full of women when I take my shirt off.

HUGH and BRANDON are reunited with NICOLE. It's so joyful that the AUDIENCE is supposed to forget about the thousands of other people who were just killed.

HUGH JACKMAN

Will this movie ever end? I'm considering shooting a hole in my skull so I have something to piss into.

NICOLE KIDMAN

I think it's finally over. Baz Lurhman is sure to be out of genres to cram into this movie by now.

HUGH JACKMAN

Was this even a movie, or was it one of those Oscar recaps with clips from all of the year's movies spliced together?

NICOLE KIDMAN

With nearly three hours of total film, did we learn anything at all from this movie?

BRANDON WALTERS

Sure we did. Australia sucks.

END


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