AUSTIN POWERS 2
The Abridged Script
INT. MYERS' PAD
MIKE MYERS sits on his bed, waiting to be shagged by LIZ HURLEY, baby, yeah.
Well, it appears as though my character has been fully explored, and there's just no new direction I can go in for this movie, baby!
Wait! I'm actually a robot.
Yeah baby! I can go back to the same character I was in the first movie now! I wonder if I could get away with using the same script...
We begin the opening credit sequence. MYERS is completely naked but stuff moves in the way of his privates. This is HILARIOUS.
INT. EVIL MYERS' PAD
Well, I'm Dr. Evil. When the character is EVIL MYERS, that's me, but when it's just MYERS, that's not me... this script is going to be very confusing.
Yess! It wihllll! I am Scoooottiisssh! And Faaaaht!
FAT MYERS is quite funny, because he is GROSS and DISGUSTING.
I'm going to go back in time and steal Myers' mojo. I will take with me a small version of myself so we can all laugh at the funny midget.
INT. MYERS' PAD
Hello Myers. We're sending you back in time. Evil Myers has stolen your mojo.
My Mojo? I better get it back.. but first, how about a stupid dance scene?
MYERS and a bunch of colorful cast members do go-go dances and it's quite FUNNY, as well as TIME-CONSUMING.
INT. MYERS' PAD - THE PAST
Hello. I'm the new girl-to-get in the movie. Except, unlike in the first movie, I'm not hard to get so there's really nothing for you to accomplish. I'm already a slut!
And unlike in the first movie, I'm no longer a good spy that seems misfit because he's a fish-out-of-water, but now I'm in my 60's element and a misfit just because I'm a fucking moron, baby, yeah!
DIRECTOR JAY ROACH
And unlike the first movie, this is not really a parody of the James Bond movies or a satire of 90's and 60's life, but a zany, oddball slapstick comedy going for nothing but gross laughs!
AUSTIN rolls around in some SHIT.
By the way, am I funny?
No, baby, you're pretty dull, yeah!
INT. EVIL MYERS' PAD
Ok, so I will use my laser to destroy the world if I don't get my money.
You're an idiot, for various reasons
Hey! It's me! I'm in the movie!
HOLY SHIT I'M FAT!
(cramming the joke down our throats)
I AM A VERY FAT GUY! IT'S GROSS! I PROBABLY SMELL BAD, ALSO!!
INT. MEETING ROOM
There is a sample of FAT MYERS' SHIT in a jug next to the coffee. We know MYERS will drink it sooner or later. Eventually, he does!
You just drank shit.
Well, that's quite disgusting isn't it? And it doesn't taste at all like Starbucks.
(smiling extra brightly)
Ah, yes, Starbucks! Quality beverages.
Nobody does coffee quite like starbucks.
(drinking from a cup)
Yes, great coffee moments happen one customer, one partner, one cup at a time. Starbucks.
Up with commercialism, baby, yeah!
INT. EVIL MYERS' MOON PAD
On my evil moon base, I will be able to destroy the world.
Suddenly, the GOOD MYERS comes in to save the world!
Not this time, you evil-me. I will stop your plans for world domination. Right after a dance number, of course.
MYERS and a bunch of colorful cast members do go-go dances and it's quite FUNNY, as well as ORIGINAL and FRESH.
The dwarf version of EVIL MYERS bites MYERS on his TESTICLES. MYERS kicks the dwarf in his TESTICLES.
MYERS then runs to EVIL MYERS, who quickly escapes in a phallic spaceship.
FAT MYERS then comes in after eating a few babies and URINATES on MYERS, who finds his mojo and, with its powers, EJACULATES on FAT MYERS' FACE, causing him to fall back into a VAT-O-SHIT-AND-PISS-AND-BOOGERS.
The EVIL WOMAN CHARACTER then begins throwing used TAMPAX at HEATHER GRAHAM, who responds by throwing her DOUCHE BAG at the EVIL WOMAN, which splats all across her face.
HEATHER then reminds us that she has BREASTS.
This is the best movie ever, yo!
Let's go back to the 90's, baby. Oh, behave.
They hop into their time machine and leave the 60's.
TEEN AUDIENCE MEMBER
Yo, what the fuck are these "60's" that Austin keeps making fun of?
OTHER TEEN AUDIENCE MEMBER
I think it was something during biblical times or some shit like that.
Who cares? What matters is that it can be used as an excuse for me to make raunchy, horny comedies for people like you that lack the frame of reference nessesary to understand the humor of the comparisons between 60's life and 90's life!
Yeah, baby, yeah! Oh, behave.
We can now thankfully listen to TEENS talk like that for a few more years, because a mere two constant years of it was not annoying enough.