World-famous film critic Leonard Maltin sent me a personal e-mail, which he asked me to print on my site to help clear some things up. Here it is, unedited.

I am probably one of the most famous film critics in the world. Right after Siskel and Ebert, there's me, Leonard Maltin. But I've always had a bit of a problem. I thought, when I reviewed my first film, that my problem was pretty evident, but since that time, since I have become so famous, I am starting to doubt if everyone is aware of it. Since many of you may not be, I will share it with you now.

I am completely fucking deranged.

Yeah. It's true. I am not only crazy, but I probably have the worst taste in films that any film critic could have. I couldn't accurately rate a film to save my worthless, pathetic, tragically prolonged life. I mean, if you held a gun to my head and said "What did you think of Citizen Kane?" I would probably mutter something like "Well, the camera angles were kind of weird, and plus, I just HATE black and white. I give it one and a half stars out of eight-thousand." I would probably be killed by you at this point. Well, you might have to wait a while to overcome the complete horrific shock of my utter stupidity first.

You see, I gave Batman & Robin 2.5 stars out of 4. That's above average! Batman & Robin?! I mean, come on! Isn't it clear that I am, without a doubt, the stupidest bunch of atoms to ever be assembled into a human being? That movie CLEARLY deserved none.. MAYBE one for cinematography and commercial success... but 2.5? Not only that, but Shawshank Redemption, an EXCELLENT film, got exactly the same rating by me. I mean.. am I really to be taken seriously when I consider Batman & Robin and Shawshank Redemption equals in ANY way? How, exactly, the fuck can my half-wit opinion about anything be taken for more than what it is: a giant steaming piece of shit?

Interview with the Vampire only given 1.5 stars? That's the same fucking rating I gave Ernest Scared Stupid and THE FUCKING POSTMAN! National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation blessed with 2.5? I gave the same thing to The Usual Suspects and The Truman Show! What the fuck is wrong with me? Hell, I gave Waterworld 3 MOTHERFUCKING STARS OUT OF 4! Am I saying that fucking WATERWORLD was better than USUAL SUSPECTS and SHAWSHANK? AM I SOME KIND OF SICK FUCKING JOKE!? DAMN, WHAT IS MY FUCKING PROBLEM!?

Well, anyway, I hope you are all now aware that I am completely nuts and should be locked up forever until I die or someone kills me. Thank you for your time, and, while I'm here, let me just tell you all: Go see Waterboy and Night at the Roxbury right now! They were funny as hell, yo!