"What? I can't be Magneto or Gandalf EVERY Hallowe'en, you know."


"What? I can't be Magneto or Gandalf EVERY Hallowe'en, you know."

APT PUPIL

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. FILM STUDIO - DAY

STUDIO EXEC

A movie about evil, eh? Well, is it disturbing?

DIRECTOR BRYAN SINGER

Nope. I didn't want to make a disturbing film about evil, so I plan on cashing in on the holocaust to make the audience think I have made a clever, disturbing movie.

STUDIO EXEC

Brilliant! Just don't be controversial or anything.

DIRECTOR BRYAN SINGER

Er, but it's about the holocaust.. how can I..

STUDIO EXEC

Can you also have Brad Renfro in it? He's cute.

INT. IAN MCKELLEN'S HOUSE - DAY

BRAD RENFRO

Hello, Ian. I know you're a Nazi war criminal because I saw your picture and it looked like you so I checked for prints on your mailbox.

IAN MCKELLEN

I'll just call the..

BRAD RENFRO

Police? No, because then I'll tell them what you did and you'll be in deep shit.

IAN MCKELLEN

Maybe I'll..

BRAD RENFRO

Kill me? No, because if you did, someone would uncover all the evidence hidden in my house that tells what you did. Did I cover all the possible plot holes?

IAN MCKELLEN

Most of them. What do you want? Money? Booze? Someone killed? Anal sex?

BRAD RENFRO

Nice that you noticed the sexual tension between our characters, but no, none of those could fill a whole movie. I want you to tell me stories about being a Nazi. Can I have a glass of milk? And some cookies. Me like cookies.

IAN MCKELLEN

Ok. Well, me and my evil nazi friends were tormenting some Jews when....

AUDIENCE

Wow. This is going to be a really disturbing movie about what the Nazis did.

The soundtrack goes silent. We see a montage of shots where IAN is talking. We assume BRAD is listening, although, since he is incapable of acting 'disgust' or 'interest', we won't see his face.

DIRECTOR BRYAN SINGER

Don't worry, audience. This won't disturb you in any way. I made sure of it! You also won't have to leave the theater with anything to think about.

INT. SCHOOL - DAY

DAVID SCHWIMMER

I am your guidance counselor. Let's see.. you are 16 and a senior.. you're at the top of your class.. and I've never had to talk to you before. Has this movie made it clear yet that you're smart?

BRAD RENFRO

Yep.

DAVID SCHWIMMER

Good. Well, your grades are dropping. You need to pull them up.

INT. IAN MCKELLEN'S HOUSE - DAY

BRAD RENFRO

My grades are dropping.

IAN MCKELLEN

I will help you get better grades! But it will require a lot of work, studying, and determination.

BRAD RENFRO

I can do it!

CUE: "Eye of the Tiger"

INT. IAN MCKELLEN'S HOUSE - DAYS LATER

BRAD RENFRO

I got my grades up! I am a winner!

IAN MCKELLEN

You did it!

BRAD RENFRO

No! -WE- did it!

IAN MCKELLEN

Hooray!

BRAD RENFRO

Now tell me some more stories before I kill you.

IAN MCKELLEN

Why are you so obsessed with WWII anyway?

BRAD RENFRO

(pause)

The writers don't seem to know. Neither do I.

Suddenly, IAN MCKELLEN kills CASEY JONES, a bum.

AUDIENCE

Ok.. this is a Bryan Singer film. He did The Usual Suspects.. here comes a really clever, witty, and surprising ending.

IAN is caught for being a nazi and kills himself.

AUDIENCE

Any moment now..

DAVID SCHWIMMER

Brad, I think you've been talking to a Nazi.. I will destroy your life for no reason as a result. Just wanted you to know.

AUDIENCE

Oh man.. Brad's gonna kill David..because the evil has been passed down to him from Ian.. it's symbolic.. it's clever... it's...it's...

BRAD RENFRO

Go away or I'll say you molested me.

DAVID SCHWIMMER

Ok. Bye.

AUDIENCE

IT'S DULL AS SHIT!

END

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