Panicking after realizing that last night, while drunk, they watched an Adam Sandler movie.


Panicking after realizing that last night, while drunk, they watched an Adam Sandler movie.

ANGER MANAGEMENT

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. AIRPORT

ADAM SANDLER says goodbye to MARISA TOMEI before boarding a plane.

MARISA TOMEI

(cutely)

How about a goodbye kiss, Adam Sandler?

ADAM SANDLER

Considering that I clearly don't deserve someone as adorable as you in any way, one would expect me to jump on the chance to lock lips with you in front of all of these people, however I have a phobia about kissing in public....

FADE TO:

EXT. ALLEY WHERE KIDS ARE PLAYING

YOUNG ADAM SANDLER is about to kiss a different girl he clearly doesn't deserve to have talking to him. Unfortunately, a YOUNG JOHN C. REILLY pulls his pants down and shows ADAM'S BUTT and people laugh at the size of his PENIS including JOHN'S RETARDED SISTER.

AUDIENCE

Let's see, butt joke - check. Penis joke - check. Retard joke - check. All within the first ten minutes. Not bad. Looking like a Sandler movie so far.

FADE TO:

INT. AIRPLANE

ADAM SANDLER sits down next to JACK NICHOLSON.

ADAM SANDLER

Hmm. This is a bit of a strange coincidence, since you will be later tormenting me according to the trailer. This is highly suspicious.

JACK NICHOLSON watches the in-flight movie, TOMCATS, and enjoys it thoroughly.

ADAM SANDLER

Now I know something is wrong. Nobody on earth actually enjoyed Tomcats.

JACK NICHOLSON

You've got to watch this. Get some headphones. Be sure to get them in a way that unrealistically results in a series of catastrophic misunderstandings and laces the entire premise of the film with utter unbelievability.

He DOES. He then is brought before a JUDGE, who makes him follow JACK NICHOLSON'S wacky, antic-filled Anger Management therapy.

AUDIENCE

Ridiculously stupid device to get the film's plot rolling - check.

INT. SANDLER'S HOME

JACK NICHOLSON moves in with ADAM.

JACK NICHOLSON

Despite not ever acting angry, I know you have a lot of rage inside you.

ADAM SANDLER

Because the camera keeps going in for a close-up of my nervously tapping foot every time someone is a jerk?

JACK NICHOLSON

Nah. You've been in like ten movies where the entire point is that you bottle up rage and eventually have loud, obnoxious explosions played up for comic effect. The first time you deviated from this formula was Punch Drunk Love, where you once again bottled up rage and eventually had loud, obnoxious explosions, the only difference being that they were played up for a dramatic effect.

(pause)

Trust me, you're filled with rage and you need my therapy.

JACK NICHOLSON torments ADAM SANDLER in an effort to make him explode. He doesn't. Eventually, he DOES.

JACK NICHOLSON

Congratulations, you've made it to stage two of my program.

JACK torments ADAM even more to make him explode. He doesn't. Then, he DOES.

JACK NICHOLSON

Congratulations, you've made it to stage three of my program.

ADAM SANDLER

This is stupid. I hate you and your therapy is utterly nonsensical - the entire point is to make me explode, but that should be precisely the thing a psychologist should be working to prevent. You're a moron and you've lost the ability to pick good film roles.

JACK NICHOLSON

Welcome to stage four.

ADAM SANDLER

I guess all that's left is for me to verbally abuse my boss, smash his shit, and beat up my girlfriend's best pal.

JACK NICHOLSON

Seems healthy to me. While you do that, I'm going to steal your girlfriend.

ADAM SANDLER

Then I have no choice but to propose to her in the middle of Yankee stadium to win her back.

He DOES.

MARISA TOMEI

Adam! I'm so happy you have overcome your anger by having a series of bridge-burning explosions. As it turns out, however, this was all a set-up! Everyone in the film is a good friend of Jack Nicholson and was just acting!

ADAM SANDLER

So the Flight Attendant's absurd misunderstanding isn't so absurd, given that it was all a joke being played out by someone with no acting experience whatsoever?

MARISA TOMEI

Yes!

ADAM SANDLER

And the judge was willing to sacrifice her entire career for someone she never met by dishing out an unfair ruling and compromising the validity of our justice system.

MARISA TOMEI

Yes!

ADAM SANDLER

And all of the actual consequences of my actions during this film are to be completely ignored, despite not being part of the staged events? Consequences including, but not limited to, my assault of my boss and your friend, the discovery that I had crumpled up your poetry and left it behind the toilet, my invasion of a monastery, my fight with a monk, my eventual losing of my job, and my involvement with Jack's act of vandalism?

MARISA TOMEI

YES!

ADAM SANDLER

Well this doesn't make any sense at all!

MARISA TOMEI

I know! I love you!

ADAM SANDLER

I love you too!

They kiss. In PUBLIC.

AUDIENCE

Deus Ex Machina ending clearly the result of the writer running out of weed and needing to end the film in order to get money to buy more - check.

END


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