Crystal's mid-career shift toward wax sculpture surprised many.


Crystal's mid-career shift toward wax sculpture surprised many.

ANALYZE THIS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. FILM STUDIO

STUDIO EXEC

So this mafia boss walks into a shrink's office and says "I got problems." The shrink says "Ok, tell me about your problems," to which the mob boss replies "I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you."

HAROLD RAMIS

(crying)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! THATS THE FUCKING FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE! Hey, I've got an idea...Ever see The Don's Analyst?

STUDIO EXEC

Yeah.

HAROLD RAMIS

I'm going to make a movie that's exactly the same, except with Robert De Niro!

INT. OLD WAREHOUSE

A PATHETIC MAN sits, tied up.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Who the fuck killed my fuckin' friend, Vincenzio?

PATHETIC MAN

I don't know.

ROBERT DE NIRO shoots him in the face, as he is a MOB BOSS. Suddenly, ROBERT collapses, clutching his chest.

INT. HOSPITAL

DOCTOR

You're stressed, Robert.

ROBERT DE NIRO

No, I'm not. Fuck.

DOCTOR

Yes you are. I recommend you see a shri--

ROBERT shoots him in the face, developing the AUDIENCE'S EMPATHY for his character even further.

INT. BILLY CRYSTAL'S HOME

BILLY CRYSTAL

I'm a shrink. Hey, speaking of shrinks, how many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb has to be willing to change.

Suddenly, ROBERT busts in.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I need a fuckin' shrink really fuckin' badly. I got stress.

BILLY CRYSTAL

Perhaps you have father issues.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Oh, you're good.

BILLY CRYSTAL

No, I--

ROBERT DE NIRO

You really got a gift.

BILLY CRYSTAL

Really, I--

ROBERT DE NIRO

Yes ya do..

BILLY CRYSTAL

No, seriously, I just-

ROBERT DE NIRO

(dead serious)

YES YOU DO!

This is extremely FUNNY, because ROBERT is being very authoritative, like the mob boss that he is.

BILLY CRYSTAL

Well, this concludes our session. Bye.

EXT. WEDDING CEREMONY

LISA KUDROW

Like, hi, Billy. You're, like, the greatest.

PRIEST

Do you take this Pheobe to be your lawfully wedded wife?

BILLY CRYSTAL

I do.

PRIEST

And are you, Pheobe, willing to leave a great job for this dwarf-man twice your age?

LISA KUDROW

Totally.

Suddenly, ROBERT comes in.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Sorry to interrupt your fucking wedding.

BILLY CRYSTAL

What do you want?

ROBERT begins to do something which may be possibly construed as CRYING. He is a big powerful mob-boss reduced to a wimpering, child-like state and the IRONY is absolutely HILARIOUS.

BILLY CRYSTAL

You definitely have father issues.

ROBERT DE NIRO

What about you?

BILLY CRYSTAL

Well, I have father issues, too. I'll bring them up a lot but I don't plan on resolving them in any way.

ROBERT DE NIRO

I feel better. You have a real gift.

BILLY CRYSTAL

No, really, I-

ROBERT DE NIRO

(pulling a gun out)

YES YOU DO, FUCKER!

INT. VARIOUS LOCATIONS

The above scene repeats itself 30 times in other places where BILLY can be interrupted from doing other things. It's all very WITTY and CLEVER.

INT. YET ANOTHER WEDDING CEREMONY

FAT MOB GUY WITH GROSS FACE

(inaudible due to accent and mounds of crevice-filled face-blubber)

Mrrph. Mrrph.

BILLY CRYSTAL

No, I can't fill in for De Niro. It would make me a fish out of water and create numerous ironic situations. I'm sure it's common for mob people to ask civilians to attend secret mob meetings, but I can't do it.

The FAT MOB GUY WITH HOLE-FILLED FACE fumbles for his GUN.

INT. WAREHOUSE

BILLY CRYSTAL

(comical Italian accent)

I'm here representing De Niro.

FAT MOB GUY WITH GROSS FACE

Mrrph.

BILLY slaps the MORBIDLY OBESE FAT MAN, creating more holes in his dough-like face. This is very FUNNY because it reverses the roles of the two, making BILLY the big brute picking on people.

For the next 20 minutes, NOTHING happens.

BILLY CRYSTAL

So this guy walks into a shrink's office and says he can't stop thinking about sex. The doctor shows him an inkblot picture and asks what he sees. The guy replies "A couple having sex." This goes on for about 5 more inkblots and the doctor eventually says "You're right, you constantly think about sex." The guy replies "Me? You're the one who keeps showing me dirty pictures!"

RANDOM ITALIAN STEREOTYPE

That sucked.

BILLY CRYSTAL

(pulling out a gun)

HEY! SCREW YOU! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I DON'T GET TO HOST THE OSCARS!

Everyone pulls out their guns.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Hey! I'm here. And I have to announce: I'm retiring. Also: Fuck.

CHAZ PALMENTERI

You can't do that!

CHAZ shoots at ROBERT. He misses, accidentally shooting BILLY CRYSTAL in the face.

The COPS break in, and arrest all of the BAD GUYS.

ROBERT DE NIRO

Hey, are you okay?

BILLY CRYSTAL

Me? Oh, yeah, fine. It's just a bullet, it's not like it could kill me or anything.

ROBERT goes to jail. His SON goes through an important growth period of his life without a father and grows up to become a dropout in a metal band called "Skar." BILLY'S father issues are never resolved and he eventually kills himself. His FAT SON grows up to become a FAT MOB GUY MADE OUT OF RAW DOUGH.

LISA KUDROW

Hmm. Ya know what I need? Some, like, Tony Bennett.

Randomly, TONY BENNETT materializes in an clumsy cameo to play a song during the credits.

END

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