People who called Patrick Bateman a raging jerkoff didn't know how right they were.


People who called Patrick Bateman a raging jerkoff didn't know how right they were.

AMERICAN PSYCHO

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. A CORPORATE OFFICE

CHRISTIAN BALE

I am a businessman. Watch me overact and twist my stupid face off.

CHRISTIAN procceeds to CUT THE THROAT of a person who pisses him off.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I am quite CUTTHROAT.

JARED LETO

I am another businessman. I am also CUTTHROAT, but in a less literal meaning of the word only applied the way I conduct my business.

BUSINESSMEN

You see, we are all quite evil and calculating and murder each other in a nonliteral way.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I, however, do it literally. I AM A LITERAL MANIFESTATION OF WHAT ALL BUSINESSMEN ARE DEEP DOWN.

INT. CHRISTIAN'S HOME

CHRISTIAN uses three hundred items to cleanse himself. He is very concerned with his image.

FEMALE DIRECTOR MARY HARRON

Look how stupid you businessmen are. You are all outrageously stupid. I hope you all die.

JARED LETO is killed by an AXE. The shot freezes and we see that the axe is labelled "BUSINESS TACTICS" on the side. The shot is then made black-and-white and placed on the editorial page of a newspaper.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Do I enjoy murdering or is it a deeper seed inside of me, possibly the result of my need to eliminate competition and drive myself toward success?

CHRISTIAN then procceds to have a threesome with two hookers.

The MPAA finds it unacceptable and SLICES IT UP.

BALE finds a hooker unacceptable and SLICES HER UP.

WILLEM DAFOE

Hello, I am here for virtually no reason whatsoever!

CHRISTIAN beans WILLEM with a sock tightly packed with kitten innards.

CHRISTIAN BALE

BWAHAHAH! I'M TOTALLY FUCKING INSANE!!! SPEED 2 SUCKED ASS, MOTHERFUCKER!!! I AM SUCH A NUTCASE, I REALLY HOPE EVERYONE NOTICES THAT!!!

An OLD woman makes a crack about CHRISTIAN'S business card, so CHRISTIAN shits in her mouth and stabs her in the stomach with a rusty spoon.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I AM BENT ON DESTROYING THOSE THAT THREATEN ME IN ANY WAY!!

FEMALE DIRECTOR MARY HARRON

Look how shallow and insecure all men..er..Christian Bale is.

CHRISTIAN shoves MARY HARRON'S FACE into a BLENDER.

CHRISTIAN BALE

I am completely losing it.. I'm starting to kill people that don't threaten me for no real reason other than bloodlust being a logical extension of my already existing desire to kill!

CHRISTIAN skins three small children, sews their skin together, and creates car seats for his luxury sedan.

CHRISTIAN BALE

Wait, this might not all be really happening..perhaps I am imagining it as a result of my extreme disconnection with humanity. Perhaps I, as a businessman, am so emotionless and distant from the planet that I desire to kill in order to feel any emotion at all. Perhaps this is the result of the Wall Street-controlled world of business in which we live.

BALE murders the AUDIENCE by bludgeoning them with a BRICK called "MESSAGE" then kicking them in the stomach with boots labelled "THEME" a few times.

END

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