"I'm just saying, if I have to drink semen to be successful, I don't want to be successful."


"I'm just saying, if I have to drink semen to be successful, I don't want to be successful."

AMERICAN PIE 2

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS

JASON BIGGS

I haven't had sex all year. I've only now managed to get some, but on the day my parents come to pick me up. I certainly hope this won't have embarassing results.

It DOES.

JASON BIGGS

How unfortunate!

GENERIC POPULAR "PUNK" MUSIC PLAYS.

EXT. ANOTHER COLLEGE CAMPUS, OR POSSIBLY THE SAME ONE

CHRIS KLEIN meets up with SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT. Then CHRIS says goodbye to his girlfriend MENA SUVARI.

MENA SUVARI

I hope we can have a vague, useless subplot together that exists for no reason other than to remind the audience we both exist.

CHRIS KLEIN

Me too. I need to use our relationship to continue acting in a sickeningly sweet manner. One might wonder why someone with my ridiculously nonthreatening personality would even want to be friends with the rest of the cast.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

You mean like me? I'm not disgustingly sweet, but I'm good natured and naive. By the way, I seem to also go to the same school as you. And I still look twelve.

SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT

You sure fucking do. Fuck, I fucking hope we can have a fucking party at my motherfucking house when we get back to the fucking original set. Hey, does anyone else wonder how I managed to get accepted to the same college that perfect student Mena Suvari went to?

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

I've been busy wondering why none of us made any other friends at college.

GENERIC POPULAR "PUNK" MUSIC PLAYS.

INT. THE ORIGINAL SET TO AMERICAN PIE

JASON BIGGS returns to his room, and looks around as though he hasn't been there in a long time, even though he probably came home for Christmas or Thanksgiving at some point.

JASON BIGGS

Oh look, there's my TV. And my old corkboard with publicity stills from the first film. And there's my computer, which I appear to have not taken to school.

EUGENE LEVY

I'm trying desperately to be cool and understanding for my son as he gets himself into numerous comical situations. I'm the most true-to life character with the most heart. My subtle performance is one of the best things about this movie.

TEEN AUDIENCE

God, his dad is SO embarassing. He sucks.

JASON BIGGS gets a call from SHANNON ELIZABETH.

SHANNON ELIZABETH

Hey Jason. I'm trying to actually give my character dimension but I become nothing more than a plot device. I can't wait to see you. I was so impressed by your ability to blow your load.

JASON BIGGS

Wow, I'm still enamored with you. You will now become the motivation for me to become better at sex and get myself into hijinx. I have to go though, as I must attend Sean William Scott's party.

INT. A PARTY JUST LIKE THE ONE FROM THE FIRST MOVIE

Almost the entire cast joins together again and re- enacts the party from the first movie.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

Hey, it's Tara Reid. Perhaps she and I can exchange awkward conversation that the audience can relate to.

JASON BIGGS

Good idea. We need to keep a good balance between scenes that the audience can relate to and my scenes of complete humiliation that would never happen to anyone with an ounce of common sense.

TARA REID

Hey, Thomas Ian Nicholas.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

Hey Tara. You're the same, except with more makeup now. You still seem vaguely unlikable for some reason, though.

TARA REID

Thanks. You still look twelve.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

Hey, maybe we can hang out sometime and I can be emotionally destroyed when I discover you have truly moved on whereas I have not.

TARA REID

Sounds good to me. See you soon.

THOMAS leaves.

TARA REID

I think he still likes me. I'm not sure what to do, but I generally exude a feeling of apathy about it.

NATASHA LYONNE

I will give you advice. One might wonder what qualifies me as such an expert since I never really seem to get laid.

Meanwhile, SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT ingests a foul bodily fluid.

EDDIE KAY THOMAS

I want to have sex with Sean's mom. I don't really know what kind of person I represent - does anyone know a kid like me in real life?

GENERIC POPULAR "PUNK" MUSIC PLAYS.

INT. RESTAURANT

The PRINCIPAL CAST sits around, talking.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

Guys, I have a great idea. We should go to the lake and rent an enormous house. We can throw a huge party and have sex. Best of all, we can reunite with everyone from the first movie. Please ignore that we basically just did that very thing one scene ago.

CHRIS KLEIN

Wait, how will we pay for such a big house?

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

I've already thought about it. We can pay for it by working a shitty, low-paying job painting houses. I have no doubts that five inexperienced teenagers who mostly goof off can make enough money painting things to pay for a mansion right on the lake.

JASON BIGGS

This film obviously has no grasp on reality whatsoever.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

What do you expect? This is a movie in which five guys who like to party have finished high school and gone through a year of college and none of us seem to smoke pot.

JASON BIGGS

Fair enough.

CHRIS KLEIN

Oh, I gotta go call my girlfriend Mena Suvari to make sure nobody forgets about our relationship.

He calls her. It's so USELESS that it is silent and dubbed over with a GENERIC POP "PUNK" SONG from the SOUNDTRACK, AVAILABLE IN STORES FROM UNIVERSAL RECORDS.

INT. HOUSE ON THE LAKE

Everyone drives to the house on the lake. The road montage makes it seem somewhat far away, yet later everyone will be able to show up there without difficulty.

SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT

Here we are! Let the hijinx begin!

JASON BIGGS

Great. I'm going to go become sexually adequate by getting help from Alyson Hannigan.

EXT. THIS ONE PLACE, AT BAND CAMP

JASON finds ALLISON.

ALYSON HANNIGAN

Jason! I wasn't expecting you! I was a one-line joke in the first movie! I..I'm not ready for you, I need to flesh my character out first!

JASON BIGGS

Well you can do that while you help me. You see, I don't know how to have good sex.

ALYSON HANNIGAN

What, do you want me to buy you a subscription to Maxim?

JASON BIGGS

No, I need you to let me feel your breasts and kiss you and stuff until I get better at this. This way, you can slowly fall in love with me and you'll be able to express an actual emotion.

ALYSON HANNIGAN

Great! But first, you must find yourself in a completely absurd, sitcom-like situation which will leave you very embarrassed.

JASON BIGGS

Just embarrassment? Shit, that's better than my usual embarrassment combined with pain. I'll do it.

He humiliates himself. This is FUNNY, because we aren't JASON BIGGS.

INT. BIG PARTY AT THE HOUSE

The entire cast is reunited! Again!

SHANNON ELIZABETH

Hello Jason. I'm here, and extremely hot.

JASON BIGGS

Great! Let me just crush the heart of Alyson Hannigan and I'll be right with you.

ALYSON HANNIGAN

Bye Jason. As soon as I leave, I will look sad, letting the audience find out I like you, as if this is even remotely surprising.

CHRIS KLEIN

Meanwhile, Mena Suvari has come back! I am so elated that my good natured grin has grown by almost one millimeter!

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS has a mental breakdown and walks out to the beach. The guys join him for a THOUGHTFUL CONVERSATION.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

I realized something. With time, things change. People change. I just didn't want them to.

EDDIE KAY THOMAS

You're right. Times are changing. I need to stop chasing after Jennifer Coolidge. I am truly maturing.

CHRIS KLEIN

But I'm pretty much exactly the same. So is Mena Suvari. And Natasha Lyonne. And Tara Reid seems the same, too.

SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT

The biggest change in me seems to be that I say "fuck" more.

JASON BIGGS

Come to think of it, this whole movie is almost identical to the first one, scene for scene. Nothing has changed in any way.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

You're right! Hell, I'm not even letting go of Tara Reid because I'm growing as a person, I'm letting go because she's making me. I'm really only as mature as my options.

JASON BIGGS

Yeah. I certainly hope this obvious fact doesn't get in the way of this film making it's overbearing point that people change. Perhaps I will attempt to make this point on my own by turning down Shannon Elizabeth and going after Alyson Hannigan instead.

SHANNON ELIZABETH

I am crushed, but not enough to make me seem like an actual person.

JASON BIGGS

Hey, don't be sad. Just remember, you got second billing on a movie that featured you in two scenes.

SHANNON ELIZABETH

Hey, I earned that second billing. Have you seen me doing interviews on television, acting like the script gave my character actual depth? I'm the best actor in this fucking movie!

JASON BIGGS

Fair enough, but I must go find my true geek love, Alyson Hannigan. I'm sure you'll find your geek someday. Perhaps you should pursue webmasters who run sites that feature abridged scripts.

JASON finds ALYSON and he kisses her exactly how she taught him to.

Back at the party, the film attempts to close on a PROFOUND NOTE.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS, alone, gazes thoughtfully into the sunset, because he has NO ALTERNATIVE.

SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT has a threesome with two girls, which he DOESN'T DESERVE.

JASON BIGGS has sex with ALYSON HANNIGAN, leaving her SLIGHTLY SATISFIED.

CHRIS KLEIN may or may not have LEFT THE SET, it is difficult to tell.

SHANNON ELIZABETH has sex with CHRIS OWEN, marking the MOST WRONG THING TO EVER HAPPEN IN A MOVIE.

EXT. LAKE, THE NEXT DAY

Everyone packs up to leave, having learned a lot about LIVING LIFE TO ITS FULLEST as well as DEMANDING LARGER SALARIES FOR SEQUELS.

Suddenly, JENNIFER COOLIDGE drives up. EDDIE KAYE THOMAS hops in the car.

JASON BIGGS

What about moving on and growing up? I thought people changed.

EDDIE KAY THOMAS

Fuck that! This movie has already completely destroyed its own point. I'm gonna get me some tantric booty.

They drive off.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

Well guys, I'm glad we did this. You see, I'm afraid we will soon begin to drift apart, as high school friends tend to do.

CHRIS KLEIN

Why? Almost all of us go to the same college.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

Oh yeah. I guess I'll see you all in September then.

GENERIC POPULAR "PUNK" MUSIC PLAYS.

END

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