Mr. Levenstein's "is my son gay?" test may not be subtle, but it is effective.


Mr. Levenstein's "is my son gay?" test may not be subtle, but it is effective.
This script is a contribution from a hopeful author. Please rate the script at the bottom and leave constructive feedback, it's extremely valuable.

AMERICAN PIE

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. UNIVERSAL PICTURES EXECUTIVE OFFICE - DAY

UNIVERSAL PICTURES EXEC

Well, we've won an Oscar for a smart, sophisticated comedy about Shakespeare. What should we do next?

Suddenly, DIRECTOR PAUL WEITZ and WRITER ADAM HERZ barge into the office.

PAUL WEITZ

Why don't you make a lowbrow comedy about four high school seniors who make a pact to lose their virginity by graduation?

ADAM HERZ

And I'll throw in a bunch of jokes recycled from Farrelly Brothers movies to gross everyone out!

UNIVERSAL PICTURES EXEC

FUCK YEAH!

INT. JASON BIGGS' ROOM - NIGHT

JASON BIGGS is FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING into a tube sock as a distorted porno cable channel plays on the television.

JASON BIGGS

Oh, God. Oh, yeah!

Suddenly, Jason's dad, EUGENE LEVY, enters the room. Jason puts a pillow over his ERECTION. This is FUNNY.

EUGENE LEVY

Are you masturbating again? What have we done wrong?

EASILY ENTERTAINED AUDIENCE

This is fucking great!

EXT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH - DAY

JASON and CHRIS KLEIN approach the school as the morning bell RINGS. A song by a MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD ALT ROCK BAND is playing on the soundtrack.

CHRIS KLEIN

Hi, I'll be playing the slow- witted jock with a sensitive side. You might remember me from "Election," where I played a slow- witted jock with a sensitive side.

EASILY ENTERTAINED AUDIENCE

What the fuck is "Election"?

INT. SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT is seated on his bed with a 24-YEAR- OLD ACTRESS PLAYING A HIGH SCHOOLER. A song by a MIDDLE- OF-THE- ROAD ALT ROCK BAND is playing on the soundtrack.

24-YEAR-OLD ACTRESS

You will still respect me if I sleep with you, right?

SEANN WILLIAM SCOTT

Absolutely, babe.

SEANN drinks a beer that, unbeknownst to him, contains a HUGE AMOUNT OF SEMEN. This is also FUNNY. He then begins PROJECTILE VOMITING on the girl. This is EVEN FUNNIER.

EASILY ENTERTAINED AUDIENCE

(crying with laughter)

Don't stop now! Give us more, Goddamit!

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

JASON spots an apple pie, then begins FUCKING it. EUGENE LEVY walks in, bugs out his eyes, and OVERACTS.

EUGENE LEVY

Hey, I bet you weren't expecting me to walk in and interrupt you again!

EASILY ENTERTAINED AUDIENCE

Neither were we!

INT. JASON BIGGS' ROOM - DAY

JASON is dancing around the room in his boxer shorts. SHANNON ELIZABETH watches him in awe. A song by a MIDDLE- OF-THE-ROAD ALT ROCK BAND is playing on the soundtrack.

SHANNON ELIZABETH

Take me now, you big man!

JASON approaches the bed. However, before he can reach her, he SHOOTS TWO CONSECUTIVE LOADS in thirty seconds. This, despite being entirely unrealistic, is FLAT OUT HILARIOUS.

EASILY ENTERTAINED AUDIENCE

(wetting their pants)

GIVE US MORE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND EVERYTHING SACRED, GIVE US MORE!!!!!

INT. EAST GREAT FALLS HIGH GIRLS BATHROOM - DAY

EDDIE KAYE THOMAS runs into the bathroom and has NOISY DIARRHEA in one of the stalls, nearly drowning out the song by a MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD ALT ROCK BAND playing on the soundtrack. Three 24-YEAR-OLD ACTRESSES PLAYING HIGH SCHOOLERS enter the bathroom, take a whiff, and run out in terror. This is BALLS OUT HYSTERICAL.

EASILY ENTERTAINED AUDIENCE

(shooting their loads)

THIS IS IT! THIS IS THE MOVIE I'VE WAITED MY WHOLE LIFE TO SEE!

INT. STIFLER'S MOM'S CABIN - NIGHT

All four of the leads are FUCKING THEIR BRAINS OUT, as a MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD ALT ROCK song plays in the background. Just then, the teenage audience who just endured "Wild Wild West sneaks into the theater.

NEW AUDIENCE MEMBERS

Aw, we came in just in time!

INT. HOT DOG RESTAURANT - DAY

JASON, CHRIS, EDDIE and THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS sit at a table. A song by a MIDDLE-OF-THE-ROAD ALT ROCK BAND is playing on the soundtrack.

THOMAS IAN NICHOLAS

Well, we all lost our virginity and we're ready to get on with our lives.

JASON BIGGS

Um, not just yet.

JASON strips to his boxers and dances around the restaurant, SHOOTING LOADS into everyone's drinks. The restaurant patrons begin PROJECTILE VOMITING, and EDDIE runs into the bathroom to have EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA again.

EASILY ENTERTAINED AUDIENCE

Dude, that was the best movie ever.

END

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