CIA operatives usually train in laser tag arenas.


CIA operatives usually train in laser tag arenas.

AMERICAN ULTRA

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. A THICK CLOUD OF WEED SMOKE

Director NIMA NOURIZADEH and writer MAX LANDIS get high in NIMA'S MOTHER'S BASEMENT.

NIMA NOURIZADEH

(stoned)

Dude... I'm so baked right now.

MAX LANDIS

(giggling uncontrollably)

Me too, dude...

NIMA NOURIZADEH

My mom thinks I'm a slacker. But I'm not, man! I'm actually really cool, she just doesn't know it. Hey! You know what would be awesome? A movie about a stoner who's actually a kick-ass secret agent!

MAX LANDIS

Dude, that's so totally original and innovative! Fuck yea, I think I'll write it!

NIMA NOURIZADEH

And I'll direct it! And you know what else we should do? Make it as lazy and inconsistant as the activity in our brains right now!

INT. QUICK-E-MART

JESSE EISENBERG is a stoner loser, and still somehow manages to play the same twitchy character we've seen him play in every one of his other movies.

JESSIE EISENBERG

I'm perfectly content in my dull, meaningless life with my girlfriend Kristen Stewart. We're playing love interests again, because we're both kind of twitchy and sputtering, so we're perfect for each other!

KRISTEN STEWART

Yes, plus our chemistry in Adventureland was so top notch.

JESSE EISENBERG

And hey, if I may be so bold to say, I think your acting skills have improved a little bit.

KRISTEN STEWART

You really think so?

(bites lip)

JESSE EISENBERG

Sigh, never mind. Welp, I was going to take you to Hawaii, but then I remembered that I have a huge, debilitating flying phobia! I guess we'll just go back to our hum drum apartment in our hum drum town, and you can spend the next fifteen minutes listening to me cry and whine!

KRISTEN STEWART

Riveting cinema right here, folks.

INT. SUPER SECRET VAGUE CIA HEADQUARTERS

CONNIE BRITTON gets a VAGUE call from a VAGUE person about her VAGUE CIA program.

VAGUE CALLER

I'm calling to tell you that "Tough Guy" is moving in on "Little Man." Yes, these are the actual code names. The screenwriter is really tryng here, people!

CONNIE BRITTON

Oh no! Operation Too-Dull-For-An-Explanation is a go! They're going to take out my secret sleeper agent Jessie! I must confront Agent Topher Grace, the biggest, toughest, most hardened and stern boss- pfftt-aahahahahaha. Sorry I couldn't get say that with a straight face.

TOPHER GRACE

Hey, just because I'm also known for my goofy, twitchy characters doesn't mean that I can't be a bold leader, dammit!

CONNIE BRITTON

What do you know about the plan to take out Jesse?

TOPHER GRACE

Nothing. And by that I mean, I'm in charge of the whole operation and I'm sending in agents to kill him as we speak. That's right! I want Jesse dead! Mwahaha!

CONNIE BRITTON

Why?

TOPHER GRACE

Because super important vague CIA stuff okay? God!

EXT. QUICK STOP

CONNIE goes and "ACTIVATES" JESSE by saying a bunch of RANDOM SHIT to him.

Afterwards, two people try and attack him, but he is able to BEAT THEM UP and KILL THEM!

JESSE EISENBERG

Oh my G-g-god, I just k-k-killed two p-p-people. W-w-what is hap-p-ppening? I'm so f-f-freaked out r-r-right now!

KRISTEN STEWART

M-m-me t-t-too. W-why am I h-here a-anyway? I-I'm of n-no help, a-am I?

CONNIE BRITTON

You two better knock off this twitchy shit before I let them kill you. Look, Jesse, five years ago, you were a volunteer in my "Ultra" program. We trained you to be the most skilled and deadliest agent ever, only to erase your memories and dump you in a dead end town. We also gave you phobias so you wouldn't leave. That's why you have a fear of flying!

JESSE EISENBERG

So you gave me phobias about flying so I wouldn't leave town, but you didn't give me phobias about driving? Couldn't I easily just drive out of town?

KRISTEN STEWART

Not to mention that knowingly giving someone an extreme psychological phobia is, like, the most unethical thing I've ever heard of.

JESSE EISENBERG

Hey, I just realized, this probably explains why I have no memory from before five years ago!

KRISTEN STEWART

You're just NOW realizing you have no memory from before FIVE YEARS AGO? I know you're a stoner, but are you a complete moron as well?

CONNIE BRITTON

Christ, this movie is exhausting already.

Meanwhile, TOPHER talks to his SUPER SECRET CIA TEAM, which includes WALTER GOGGINS and MONIQUE GANDERTON.

TOPHER GRACE

This it it everyone! This flick needs some serious drama, so let's over-inflate the importance of this operation! I'm putting this town on lockdown and I'm sending in my two deadliest agents to kill Jesse! But could you guys try to keep it quiet? We are in a small town after all.

WALTER GOGGINS

No prob, boss!

WALTER and MONIQUE do the EXACT OPPOSITE and SHOOT UP A POLICE STATION, KILLING EVERY COP IN THE VICINITY, while STILL not being able to kill JESSE.

WALTER GOGGINS

My character's name is "Laugher." I'm so evil that I laugh uncontrollably!

JESSE EISENBERG

How entirely unoriginal!

(kicks his ass)

MONIQUE GANDERTON

And my name is "Crane," because I have a long neck or something? I don't really remember. Prepare to die, fucker!

MONIQUE throws a GRENADE at JESSE, and he does what anyone else would probably do in that situation:

Throws it back at her.

MONIQUE GANDERTON

WHAT A SKILLED AGENT HE IS TRULY TOO POWERFUL FOR ME!

MONIQUE and the police station EXPLODE.

JESSE EISENBERG

Perhaps "Crane" is some secret word that means, "dumb as hell."

INT. JOHN LEGUIZAMO'S HOUSE.

JESSE and KRISTEN seek the help of their friend JOHN LEGUIZAMO, but he locks them in his basement instead.

KRISTEN STEWART

Why is everything illuminated by black lights?

JESSE EISENBERG

I think it's pretty clear Nima and Max were watching Batman & Robin when they wrote this.

KRISTEN STEWART

Hey, do me a favor, will ya? After this, can you kill my makeup artist? My face looks like a hotel room crime scene on the nightly news.

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Sorry I had to lock you in the basement, guys. The TV says the reason the town is on lockdown is because you and Connie are spreading typhoid because you're a couple of monkey fuckers. Seriously, that's what Topher came up with!

JESSIE EISENBERG

John, they're lying! I'm actually a highly trained killing machine and they want me dead!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Don't lie to me, man! I know a monkey fucker when I see one!

Then, some of TOPHER'S AGENTS burst through JOHN'S door!

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

You can't kill me, yo! I'm a gun owning, illegal firework dealing gangsta, son!

AGENT

You're a gansta, huh? Weren't you just in the new Justin Bieber video?

JOHN LEGUIZAMO

Fuck!

(gets shot)

All of the AGENTS get killed by JESSE, and KRISTEN reveals that she is also an agent!

KRISTEN STEWART

It's true! I was assigned to watch over you after you came out of "Ultra," but then I fell in love! So I quit the CIA to live my life with you as an unwashed stoner!

JESSE EISENBERG

No! I'll never forgive you for this! Now I'm literally going to go back to my house where anyone can find me, smoke a joint, cry and hope I die!

CONNIE BRITTON

You know, I'm really starting to forget why I have to save you.

INT. SUPER SECRET VAGUE CIA HEADQUARTERS

TOPHER talks to TONY HALE.

TOPHER GRACE

Perfect! He's at home! Tony, send in a drone and blow up the entire town!

TONY HALE

An ENTIRE TOWN? Just for one guy?

TOPHER GRACE

Yes! This is what the writers think CIA agents do! Now blow that fucker up!

TONY HALE

Well, gee, I dunno. First I was on Connie's side, but you and your totally convincing iron fist persuaded me onto your side. I'm so torn!

TOPHER GRACE

Dammit, Tony! I AM convincingly tough! And I will continue to YELL LIKE THIS because that's what big, tough bosses do! FIRE THE MISSILE!

TONY HALE

No! I'm siding with Connie, because she was my friend first or something!

INT. JESSE'S HOUSE

TONY doesn't FIRE ZE MISSILE and saves JESSIE and CONNIE.

But then they find out that KRISTEN has been kidnapped and taken back to TOPHER.

CONNIE BRITTON

Jesse, you should go save Kristen because she really does love you and blah blah blah. And you shouldn't sit here and wait to die because you were the only success in my program! I will keep saying this despite giving no explanation as to what it actually means!

JESSE EISENBERG

You're vagueness has convinced me!

More AGENTS attack and shoot up his house!

SOME OTHER AGENT

Woah! You just threw a frying pan in the air. And you managed to fire your gun at the exact angle so the bullet would ricochet off the pan and change course. And now it's coming straight towards me! That is so cool man you gotta teach me how to do that--Urgk!

(dies)

JESSE EISENBERG

I think maybe you should have renamed yourself Agent "Crane."

INT. SUPERMARKET - FOR SOME REASON OR ANOTHER

Everyone meets up at WALMART OR SOMETHING for a final showdown. JESSE pretty much blows most of it up with JOHN'S FIREWORKS, then proceeds to violently kill everyone with RANDOM STUFF ON THE SHELVES.

JESSE EISENBERG

Seriously, did I just kill someone with a dust pan? You guys suck.

TOPHER takes his PUNK ASS and runs away, and JESSE proposes to KRISTEN while they're surrounded by a S.W.A.T. TEAM.

JESSE EISENBERG

Now that we've got about fifty sniper rifles pointed at us, I think now's the best time to reach into my pocket and pull out something small and black.

KRISTEN STEWART

Gasp! A ring box! Yes I'll marry you! And it sure is nice of them to wait patiently while we get engaged. Wow, even the S.W.A.T teams are dumb in this movie!

Meanwhile, CONNIE finds TOPHER and tries to kill him, but instead, he gets shot by BILL PULLMAN.

CONNIE BRITTON

Bill Pullman? Where the fuck did you come from?

BILL PULLMAN

I'm not really sure. But as the head of the Super Secret Vague CIA or whatever, I'm here reprimand you and to also fill the next ten minutes with the most idiotic dialogue I've ever had to recite.

CONNIE BRITTON

Well before you shoot me too, I have a radical idea. Let's take the most successful killing machine we've ever trained and... wait for it... make him a real agent.

BILL PULLMAN

That's... just...crazy enough to work! By God, you're a genius!

CONNIE BRITTON

No, I think you're all just a bunch of Agent "Cranes" here.

EXT. THE PHILLIPENES

JESSE and KRISTEN FINALLY CLEAN THEMSELVES THE FUCK UP, and now travel the world as a husband and wife team of secret agents.

JESSE EISENBERG

I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here, kids. If you're an unmotivated stoner loser, not only is it not your fault, but one day you might get that exciting life you always dreamed of! So just sit around and wait for that opportunity to come 'a knockin!

NIMA NOURIZADEH

(still stoned)

Dude... You were totally awesome as the hero in this flick. Maybe next time you should play the villain! Like Lex Luthor or something!

JESSE EISENBERG

Ha! Yeah right. Smoke another one Nima.

KRISTEN STEWART

Seriously. That's the most random thing I've ever heard! No one will go for that, right Hollywood?

HOLLYWOOD

(stoned)

Heh heh, well....

END.

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