Conan O'Brien has not taken the loss of his show well.


Conan O'Brien has not taken the loss of his show well.

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. VICTORIAN PARTY

MIA WASIKOWSKA and her mother, LINDSAY DUNCAN, arrive at a party.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

I hate these parties! And I hate corsets! I'm so progressive, clearly what I need is a place to go that isn't Victorian England! Like Edwardian England!

LINDSAY DUNCAN

What a peculiar thing to say! You're a peculiar girl! Just in case any audience members forgot they are watching a Tim Burton movie, the main character doesn't fit in!

LEO BILL

Mia, I'd like to marry you even though you're so peculiar and I am not! Oops, nosebleed, excuse me.

Suddenly, MIA sees a CARTOON RABBIT checking his pocket watch.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Oh my goodness! A CGI creature that apparently has been created to in no way resemble an actual rabbit! I must follow it.

She DOES. She falls down a hole for a few minutes in order to force the film's running time up to feature-length.

PEE WEE HERMAN

Hey... you see a car somewhere around here?

INT. MYSTERIOUS ROOM - WONDERLAND

MIA finally lands in a room. There's black and white checkerboard patterns, stripes, swirls, all of the usual TIM BURTON SHIT.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Huh. Looks like "brilliant" and "imaginative" director Tim Burton has taken visuals from the Disney cartoon and made them slightly darker. Such a visionary.

MIA finds a regularly-sized key that fits only in a tiny door. She drinks a potion to shrink enough to fit through the door, then drinks a potion to grow enough to grab the key, then shrinks again to open the door, giving the player 10 points from ROBERTA WILLIAMS for solving the puzzle.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Fantastic. The key fit in my hand when I was normal sized, then I shrank and the key that still fit in my hand also fit in the door. Ten minutes in and the movie has already stopped caring.

MIA encounters a bunch of CGI BULLSHIT.

CGI MATT LUCAS

I look like a CGI Stewie Griffin with an actual human's face pasted onto it! Isn't that whimsical, yet kind of creepy and dark?

CGI TALKING FLOWERS

And look, we're in the movie for a little while! We were also in the cartoon! So audience members with a sense of nostalgia that outweighs all of their other senses should be having an emotional reaction to this which could easily be misconstrued as enjoyment!

CGI STEPHEN FRY

I'm just glad I somehow look more like a real cat than those Garfield movies. Um, meow.

CGI RABBIT

Welcome back, Mia!

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Back? This is a sequel? A sequel to fucking Alice in Wonderland? Because doing this worked so well with Hook?

CGI RABBIT

Okay enough chit-chat. You are Mia, revealed by our legendary calendar of ages to be she who slays the horrendous Jabberwocky. You are the Chosen One, meant to lead Underland out of its era of torment.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Did I walk into the wrong movie? I'm not rebooting the "Conan" franchise, am I?

SUDDENLY some random BULLSHITS bust up the party. MIA runs away and encounters JOHNNY DEPP dressed as the offspring of CARROT-TOP and MADONNA.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Holy shit Depp, look at you. If Tim Burton asks you to play dress-up for him one more time I think you should call the police.

JOHNNY DEPP

Mia! You've returned to kill the unassailable Jabberwocky!

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Well, I have no character motivation other than bored apathy, so, sure, why not? I think this is all a dream, so I'll go along with whatever the plot requires of me, giving Burton a great excuse not to have to use his brainythink.

JOHNNY DEPP

Great! Well, we've got a lot of movie left, maybe we should do something exciting to add some freshness to this classic story.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Or we could just do the same shit we've already done! Let's shrink me! Then let's grow me, but slightly too much! My size keeps changing! This will never get old!

Evil QUEEN HELENA BONHAM CARTER sends her henchman CRISPIN GLOVER to kidnap JOHNNY.

CRISPIN GLOVER

The completely naked extra terrestrial helplessly hypnotized the diseased hog entrails.

JOHNNY DEPP

Help, I'm being kidnapped by an actor even more eccentric than myself!

MIA talks to CGI ALAN RICKMAN.

CGI ALAN RICKMAN

Alright folks, I have to be back on the set for some goddamn Harry Potter movie in ten minutes. Let's get this over with.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

What should I do, Alan? Tim Burton wants me to go rescue Johnny Depp to give him more screen time, but I kind of feel bad making it easier for Burton to continue cinematically fellating Depp in front of everyone.

CGI ALAN RICKMAN

Once again, you astound me with your gifts, Potter. How grand it must be to be the Chosen One.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

So I am the Chosen One, meant to slaughter the fearsome Jabberwocky! Wait, did you call me "Potter"? Did you bring the wrong script?

CGI ALAN RICKMAN

Time's up, bye! I'll tell Daniel Radcliffe you said hello and asked for his agent's number.

MIA makes her way to the castle of QUEEN ANNE HATHAWAY.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

I guess you're the "good guy" in the epic action film formula that this film has been awkwardly shoehorned into.

ANNE HATHAWAY

(flailing slowly)

Yes I am! You must slay the Jabberwocky, or it shall be the undoing of us all!

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Oh good, I can see by your acting that you're the only other person who realizes how idiotic this all is.

MIA dons a SUIT OF ARMOR, SHIELD, and BROADSWORD. She and the rest of the GOOD GUYS meet HELENA and the rest of the BAD GUYS on a GIANT CHESSBOARD. The TWO opposing armies line up for an epic battle.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Shit, I think we accidentally Chronicles-of-Narnia'd the movie.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Enough! Time to unleash the legendary JABBER-MOTHERFUCKING-WOCKY!

JOHNNY DEPP

OH HOLY FUCK!

The JABBERWOCKY, voiced by CHRISTOPHER LEE for some reason, EMERGES!

ANNE HATHAWAY

WE'RE DOOMED! DOOMED!

CGI STEPHEN FRY

GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!

MIA kills it instantly.

HELENA BONHAM CARTER

Oh. Well I guess I'll just be exiled then. Come now, Crispin Glover.

CRISPIN GLOVER

I'm in the movie because I make Tim Burton feel normal! Want to see me put my foot behind my head? Because I can't.

ANNE HATHAWAY

Thanks, Mia. You totally did the thing that we said you were going to do an hour and a half ago.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

So, how long do we have to wait before we can admit that the Tim Burton of the 80's and 90's is dead and that everything with his name attached these days is pretty much a pile of dog excrement scored by Danny Elfman?

JOHNNY DEPP

Seriously, where's American McGee when you need him?

MIA returns to the SURFACE.

MIA WASIKOWSKA

Leo Bill! I've decided I cannot marry you! Instead, I want to go into business for myself!

LEO BILL

You left the land of fairy tales to embrace a life of soul-crushing corporatism? What are you going to do, take over your father's business?

MIA WASIKOWSKA

No, I'm going to produce movies for Tim Burton! Someone give me the script to The Wizard of Oz and some headshots of Johnny Depp!

END

Discussion