Alice in Wonderland: The Abridged Script
By Rod | Mar 24th, 2010 |
59 Comments
| Movie: 
Conan O'Brien has not taken the loss of his show well.
FADE IN:
EXT. VICTORIAN PARTY
MIA WASIKOWSKA and her mother, LINDSAY DUNCAN, arrive at a party.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
I hate these parties! And I hate corsets! I’m so progressive, clearly what I need is a place to go that isn’t Victorian England! Like Edwardian England!
LINDSAY DUNCAN
What a peculiar thing to say! You’re a peculiar girl! Just in case any audience members forgot they are watching a Tim Burton movie, the main character doesn’t fit in!
LEO BILL
Mia, I’d like to marry you even though you’re so peculiar and I am not! Oops, nosebleed, excuse me.
Suddenly, MIA sees a CARTOON RABBIT checking his pocket watch.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Oh my goodness! A CGI creature that apparently has been created to in no way resemble an actual rabbit! I must follow it.
She DOES. She falls down a hole for a few minutes in order to force the film’s running time up to feature-length.
PEE WEE HERMAN
Hey… you see a car somewhere around here?
INT. MYSTERIOUS ROOM – WONDERLAND
MIA finally lands in a room. There’s black and white checkerboard patterns, stripes, swirls, all of the usual TIM BURTON SHIT.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Huh. Looks like “brilliant” and “imaginative” director Tim Burton has taken visuals from the Disney cartoon and made them slightly darker. Such a visionary.
MIA finds a regularly-sized key that fits only in a tiny door. She drinks a potion to shrink enough to fit through the door, then drinks a potion to grow enough to grab the key, then shrinks again to open the door, giving the player 10 points from ROBERTA WILLIAMS for solving the puzzle.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Fantastic. The key fit in my hand when I was normal sized, then I shrank and the key that still fit in my hand also fit in the door. Ten minutes in and the movie has already stopped caring.
MIA encounters a bunch of CGI BULLSHIT.
CGI MATT LUCAS
I look like a CGI Stewie Griffin with an actual human’s face pasted onto it! Isn’t that whimsical, yet kind of creepy and dark?
CGI TALKING FLOWERS
And look, we’re in the movie for a little while! We were also in the cartoon! So audience members with a sense of nostalgia that outweighs all of their other senses should be having an emotional reaction to this which could easily be misconstrued as enjoyment!
CGI STEPHEN FRY
I’m just glad I somehow look more like a real cat than those Garfield movies. Um, meow.
CGI RABBIT
Welcome back, Mia!
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Back? This is a sequel? A sequel to fucking Alice in Wonderland? Because doing this worked so well with Hook?
CGI RABBIT
Okay enough chit-chat. You are Mia, revealed by our legendary calendar of ages to be she who slays the horrendous Jabberwocky. You are the Chosen One, meant to lead Underland out of its era of torment.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Did I walk into the wrong movie? I’m not rebooting the “Conan” franchise, am I?
SUDDENLY some random BULLSHITS bust up the party. MIA runs away and encounters JOHNNY DEPP dressed as the offspring of CARROT-TOP and MADONNA.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Holy shit Depp, look at you. If Tim Burton asks you to play dress-up for him one more time I think you should call the police.
JOHNNY DEPP
Mia! You’ve returned to kill the unassailable Jabberwocky!
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Well, I have no character motivation other than bored apathy, so, sure, why not? I think this is all a dream, so I’ll go along with whatever the plot requires of me, giving Burton a great excuse not to have to use his brainythink.
JOHNNY DEPP
Great! Well, we’ve got a lot of movie left, maybe we should do something exciting to add some freshness to this classic story.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Or we could just do the same shit we’ve already done! Let’s shrink me! Then let’s grow me, but slightly too much! My size keeps changing! This will never get old!
Evil QUEEN HELENA BONHAM CARTER sends her henchman CRISPIN GLOVER to kidnap JOHNNY.
CRISPIN GLOVER
The completely naked extra terrestrial helplessly hypnotized the diseased hog entrails.
JOHNNY DEPP
Help, I’m being kidnapped by an actor even more eccentric than myself!
MIA talks to CGI ALAN RICKMAN.
CGI ALAN RICKMAN
Alright folks, I have to be back on the set for some goddamn Harry Potter movie in ten minutes. Let’s get this over with.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
What should I do, Alan? Tim Burton wants me to go rescue Johnny Depp to give him more screen time, but I kind of feel bad making it easier for Burton to continue cinematically fellating Depp in front of everyone.
CGI ALAN RICKMAN
Once again, you astound me with your gifts, Potter. How grand it must be to be the Chosen One.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
So I am the Chosen One, meant to slaughter the fearsome Jabberwocky! Wait, did you call me “Potter”? Did you bring the wrong script?
CGI ALAN RICKMAN
Time’s up, bye! I’ll tell Daniel Radcliffe you said hello and asked for his agent’s number.
MIA makes her way to the castle of QUEEN ANNE HATHAWAY.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
I guess you’re the “good guy” in the epic action film formula that this film has been awkwardly shoehorned into.
ANNE HATHAWAY
(flailing slowly)
Yes I am! You must slay the Jabberwocky, or it shall be the undoing of us all!
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Oh good, I can see by your acting that you’re the only other person who realizes how idiotic this all is.
MIA dons a SUIT OF ARMOR, SHIELD, and BROADSWORD. She and the rest of the GOOD GUYS meet HELENA and the rest of the BAD GUYS on a GIANT CHESSBOARD. The TWO opposing armies line up for an epic battle.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Shit, I think we accidentally Chronicles-of-Narnia’d the movie.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Enough! Time to unleash the legendary JABBER-MOTHERFUCKING-WOCKY!
JOHNNY DEPP
OH HOLY FUCK!
The JABBERWOCKY, voiced by CHRISTOPHER LEE for some reason, EMERGES!
ANNE HATHAWAY
WE’RE DOOMED! DOOMED!
CGI STEPHEN FRY
GAME OVER MAN, GAME OVER!
MIA kills it instantly.
HELENA BONHAM CARTER
Oh. Well I guess I’ll just be exiled then. Come now, Crispin Glover.
CRISPIN GLOVER
I’m in the movie because I make Tim Burton feel normal! Want to see me put my foot behind my head? Because I can’t.
ANNE HATHAWAY
Thanks, Mia. You totally did the thing that we said you were going to do an hour and a half ago.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
So, how long do we have to wait before we can admit that the Tim Burton of the 80’s and 90’s is dead and that everything with his name attached these days is pretty much a pile of dog excrement scored by Danny Elfman?
JOHNNY DEPP
Seriously, where’s American McGee when you need him?
MIA returns to the SURFACE.
MIA WASIKOWSKA
Leo Bill! I’ve decided I cannot marry you! Instead, I want to go into business for myself!
LEO BILL
You left the land of fairy tales to embrace a life of soul-crushing corporatism? What are you going to do, take over your father’s business?
MIA WASIKOWSKA
No, I’m going to produce movies for Tim Burton! Someone give me the script to The Wizard of Oz and some headshots of Johnny Depp!
END
Zing! I liked the comment about American McGee. I would have rather seen that Alice game made into film. It was much darker and interesting.
March 24th, 2010 at 4:45 pmMaaan, that's a lame one. All but Glover stuff. Also, Burton's alive and well – he just did Corpse Bride and, of course, one of his all time's best – Sweeney Todd, remember? Too bad that Alice sucked – well, not every shot's a hit.
March 24th, 2010 at 6:32 pmHa! Fantastic Sierra reference.
March 24th, 2010 at 6:56 pmThat Roberta Williams reference was so clutch. Good job, as usual.
March 24th, 2010 at 7:21 pmThe line about Crispin Glover putting his foot behind his head made me burst out laughing. Well done!
March 24th, 2010 at 7:36 pmHalf a star? Damn I'm glad I refused to go see this.
March 24th, 2010 at 7:40 pmA very good script, took a while to come out, but worth it!
Keep that amazing work Rod!
March 24th, 2010 at 1:28 pmUgh. I didn't see that movie, because it looked horrible, and, according to this, it seems even worse then I feared. v_v;
March 24th, 2010 at 9:35 pmSweeney Todd wasn't good at all in comparison to the actual musical :/ or as a standalone movie either.
March 24th, 2010 at 11:04 pmI saw this movie for free, and still hated the hell out of it.
Goddamn you Tim Burton. You've become such a hack. You're two steps away from becoming some kind of terryfying emo Michael Bay.
March 25th, 2010 at 12:17 amSo right. Plus Corpse Bride was basically all the rejected artwork for Nightmare before Christmas (with a recycled storyline) and, like Hilde said, Sweeny Todd was another fucking remake starring the same damn cast that burton always puts in his movies.
March 25th, 2010 at 1:47 amExcellent script, belly-laughs all the way.
Going to get "Unleash the legendary Jabber-Motherfucking-Wocky!!" printed on a t-shirt.
Just might too :)
March 25th, 2010 at 2:00 amExcellent as usual. More needeth not be said.
March 25th, 2010 at 3:58 amThis site is awesome. I discovered it through Cracked.com about a month ago and now I have a ritual… Read a script in a sauna at the Gym and in bed on my BlackBerry. Keep up the good work! Oh, The Book of Eli? I think you could rip it apart from the Director on down. (and I liked the damn movie) XX
March 24th, 2010 at 9:13 pmI've been playing Sierra games for the past three days so it kind of creeped me out. Get out of my brain, internet!
March 25th, 2010 at 5:30 amNobody would compare movie and stage musical – cause that's just a bit silly. But otherwise – it was. Some didn't love it, granted, but with them even The Man himself, Sondheim, would beg to differ.
March 25th, 2010 at 6:21 amsuprised you didn't mention Depps god awful CG Fantasy break dance I could forgive the film for everything other then that
March 25th, 2010 at 2:07 pmWas I the only one who thought Johnny Depp's makeup made him look like Elijah Wood the whole movie?
March 25th, 2010 at 2:22 pmHeheheh, yeah. Movies suck.
Actually, this year, there's only one movie to see, and I have no idea what it's about but it has "From the director of THE DARK KNIGHT" attached to it and has a giant siren that goes BWAHHHHH. It's going to be incredible. Incredible I tell you.
March 25th, 2010 at 3:17 pmThis is the first time I don’t like one of Rod’s scripts. Even if the movie sucks (I haven’t seen it), a Rod script is supposed to be funny. This one is not funny, it’s just ranty, angry and nasty.
March 25th, 2010 at 8:58 amThanks for confirming my disinterest in this film, Rod.
March 25th, 2010 at 9:05 pmI enjoyed the movie, but from the very beginning I kept getting flashbacks from "Chronicles of Narnia". It wasn't very original, but I can't say it was boring; I don't regret spending money to see it.
March 26th, 2010 at 10:25 amNice one Rod. Just saw this last night and "MIA: Well, I have no character motivation other than bored apathy, so, sure, why not?" kinda sums it up for me. Looked good, but essentially crap.
March 26th, 2010 at 1:12 pmhaha great description, especially the last part. and the movie is called Inception
March 26th, 2010 at 6:31 pmI agree. Sweeney Todd was awesome, probably because Burton wasn't trying to make a blockbuster main stream film with an over use of cgi and a tacked on 3-d gimmick. I haven't seen Corpse Bride yet.
March 26th, 2010 at 8:28 pmamerican mcgee is too busy making crappy pc games like bad day l.a.
March 26th, 2010 at 8:39 pmI love it when Burton makes terrible films. It makes the likelihood of people sh!tting a brick (and launching into hour long rants) when I tell them I don't like his movies less and less likely.
March 27th, 2010 at 12:07 ami thought so too
March 27th, 2010 at 12:27 amI PAID 10 BUX TO SEE THIS FILM IN 3D AND IT MADE ME CRY BECAUSE 3D IS MEANT TO BE AWESOME I WANT MY 10 BUX BACK NOW BURTON
March 27th, 2010 at 2:19 pmnot the only one, no.
March 29th, 2010 at 1:32 pmAmen! I wanted to claw out my own eyes when I saw that – and then the had Mia REPEAT it. Why, Tim Burton? Why???
March 29th, 2010 at 7:22 pmI saw this in 3D and it told me that basically 3D is a gimmick to throw shit in your faces (which I didn't like because it fucking HURT whenever that happened) but some of my friends saw it in not 3D and said you could tell which scenes were built specifically for it… yeah.
Anyway I would've hated the film regardless because… it was generic and actually kind of boring for a lot of it (yet all my friends rave about the fucking CGI monstrosities like the Bandersnatch >_<)
March 29th, 2010 at 11:03 pmLoved the Aliens reference.
This movie completely bored me. Nothing happened that was not already expected.
March 30th, 2010 at 12:52 amYou obviously haven't played his Alice game.It was great. Bad day l.a. was shit though, not gonna lie.
March 30th, 2010 at 5:27 amThis movie was so sadly predictable. It offered at least two possible plottwist that never happened. One was Alice actually breaking away from her "destiny" and creating her own road, as she hinted at one time during the movie. The other was the possibility of the red queen actually redeeming herself and becoming good. She needed love. The White queen had a perfect opportunity to turn out to be worse than her sister. The lab hinted at that and also other stuff. Wouldnt it have been great if replacing the red queen with the white actually made things worse and made wonderland even madder? :D
April 1st, 2010 at 2:59 pmExcellent work Mr Hilton. This movie sucked so bad!
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:12 am""JOHNNY DEPP
Seriously, where’s American McGee when you need him?""
+1
April 3rd, 2010 at 3:44 pmYes but Pewee drove a car over a cliff… and… yknow, floated… down…
April 3rd, 2010 at 6:15 pmTim Burton has become the old guy at the party who doesn’t realize how pathetic he is.
I hate you, Tim Burton.
By the way, best line was the Madonna/Carrot Top thing. Nailed it.
April 4th, 2010 at 1:07 pmI find it astounding that there was a lack of the mentioning of Johnny Depp breakdancing.
April 4th, 2010 at 9:51 pmWhat, no mention of Johnny Depp's breakdance?
April 4th, 2010 at 9:52 pmoh yes. i thought i was crazy. he did look like elijah!
April 7th, 2010 at 1:09 am"…how long do we have to wait before we can admit that the Tim Burton of the 80’s and 90’s is dead and that everything with his name attached these days is pretty much a pile of dog excrement scored by Danny Elfman?"
That's absolutely right. Shit, the Tim Burton that made "Ed Wood" and the first "Batman" film would've knocked this shit out of the park. Hot Topic Presents Tim Burton of today is a hack director.
This movie sucked so hard. Goddamn, a waste, an absolute waste.
BTW, absolutely hilarious script yet again Rod. Loved Alan Rickman's part.
April 7th, 2010 at 9:36 pmwe who are against rape thank you for:
a) differing 80's and 90's Tim Burton with this one
April 8th, 2010 at 3:54 pmb) painting Depp as merely a victim of this talentless hack/emo brand
c) mentioning American McGee's Alice. <3
d) reminding people that Garfield was fun before he was raped.
Would have been worth noting the pro-colonialism ending/message.
April 9th, 2010 at 3:44 amActually, I like the movie. Sorry.
April 15th, 2010 at 1:49 pmBoy this movie sucked. Script notwithstanding, I agree with the 1/2 star rating. Has any movie ever gotten 0 stars? I guess I can check myself, but will just pose the question here anyway.
April 16th, 2010 at 4:15 amI like to imagine this happened and this turns Wonderland into Narnia.
Makes the movie all that much more entertaining.
April 18th, 2010 at 6:21 pmI like to imagine this actually happens and the events of this film turn Wonderland into Narnia.
April 19th, 2010 at 11:37 amI'm suprised that this made no note that this story was "Through the Looking Glass" with a few plot mistakes, and not "Alice in Wonderland".
May 7th, 2010 at 10:21 pmThis is a real awesome movie to watch in 3D while your high.
May 8th, 2010 at 5:11 amAmen to that. Also, I got really excited when Depp started reciting the poem (which has been my favorite since I was 9). HUGE letdown when he only recited (mumbled) part of it.
June 25th, 2010 at 10:24 amCan I ask a question, Rod? Where the fuck is Baglor these days?
Back in my yoof my friend and I thought that Baglor was like the funniest shit ever. I miss him. Baglor love Mellow Yellow. FUNNAY.
July 4th, 2010 at 4:28 pmHe has a new Alice game coming up. I can't wait!!
July 27th, 2010 at 3:26 amAnybody who would take his stuff as a serious movie critique is retarded. His scripts are funny, but that's it.
August 1st, 2010 at 4:11 pmI think it's possible to call it either one, though I might be wrong.
August 5th, 2010 at 5:33 ambaglor pretty. me no need bag.
August 23rd, 2010 at 12:53 amI too thought the movie was such a mess. I expected more from Tim and Depp. too bad.
August 25th, 2010 at 2:32 amI haven’t seen the film, but it sounds like they took big chunks from Terry Gilliam’s Jabberwocky.
August 29th, 2010 at 11:23 am