FADE IN:

INT. A CAR

NICK NOLTE

Want to go to your old school, honey?

HIS DAUGHTER

I wanna go home.

NICK NOLTE

But… I.. set this whole thing up for you..

HIS DAUGHTER

I wanna go home.

AUDIENCE

Wow, she’s really annoying.

INT. COBURN’S HOME

JAMES COBURN

(growling)

I hate you.

NICK NOLTE

(growling back)

I hate you more.

JAMES spits in his EYE. NICK bashes JAMES with a shovel.

SISSY SPACEK

STOP IT! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!

Sissy levitates some objects and begins to freak out. JAMES and NICK calm down.

NICK NOLTE

Ha ha, we’re just kidding dear. I love my son of a bitch. Er, my dad.

WILLEM DAFOE materializes.

WILLEM DAFOE

Hey.

NICK NOLTE

Hello brother.

WILLEM DAFOE

Perhaps you should go on an insane little witchhunt in your town.

NICK NOLTE

Good idea.

WILLEM DAFOE

I was just thinking.. I sure am glad I did not get AFFLICTED by my father’s violence.

(pause)

It’s a shame that you were AFFLICTED by it.

NICK punches WILLEM.

AUDIENCE

Wow.. I think Nick has been AFFLICTED by his father’s violence.

NICK goes on a witchhunt and pisses everyone off until his life is a piece of SHIT. His daughter visits again.

HIS DAUGHTER

I wanna go home.

NICK NOLTE

Look, I just want to take you out for a fucking burger.

HIS DAUGHTER

I wanna go home.

AUDIENCE

Will someone make her shut the hell up?

SISSY SPACEK

I have noticed your life is shit. I’m leaving you, just to see if I can make it worse.

NICK NOLTE

(lightly touching Sissy)

Oh come on don’t–

HIS DAUGHTER

GET OFF HER!

She kicks NICK in the balls and pushes him down and starts breaking his nose. He pushes her off forcefully and she cries.

AUDIENCE

YES!!!!! FINALLY!! GOD DAMN SHE DESERVED THAT

(pause)

Er, I mean.. Oh no, he has been afflicted by his father’s violence.

Everyone leaves except COBURN.

JAMES COBURN

(growling)

Looks like you’ve been afflicted by my violence.

NICK NOLTE

I guess so.

NICK kills JAMES.

CRITICS

The acting was brilliant! What an excellent film!

AUDIENCE

The acting wasn’t brilliant.. the casting was. James Coburn and Nick Nolte are actually the same person.

ACADEMY

It was a heartwarming tale! We loved it!

AUDIENCE

It spent 2 hours driving home the point that people can be afflicted by outside forces, which we all knew before…

(pause)

But.. somehow.. I feel that it.. was good..

(pause)

In fact, yes, it was brilliant!

The AUDIENCE has been AFFLICTED by the ACADEMY’S complete lack of taste.

END