FADE IN:

INT. PRINCETON UNIVERSITY

RUSSEL CROWE walks around, insulting other students.

RUSSELL CROWE

That’s a nice tie, if you’re a schizophrenic! Ha!

ADAM GOLDBERG

Hey, what’s your damn problem?

RUSSELL CROWE

I’m a genius when it comes to math. Or economics. Or cryptography. Definitely a genius though. One day I’ll think of a brilliant theory and I’ll show all of you mindless drones how smart I am.

ADAM GOLDBERG

How do you plan on doing this?

RUSSELL CROWE

I will conceive of the Nash Equilibrium, which will make me famous and well-loved. You can see this concept illustrated by us going and hitting on some hot girl, and both getting rejected. However, if we hit on uglier girls, we all win. Sort of.

ADAM GOLDBERG

Er, that’s not the Nash Equilibrium at all. Did hack screenwriter Akiva Goldsman even read about the real John Nash?

HACK SCREENWRITER AKIVA GOLDSMAN

I started to. Then I got to the part about him cheating on his wife and having an illegitimate child, and I figured I could do better if I just invented a Hollywood-style bastardized tearjerker version of reality instead.

JENNIFER CONNELLY

I love you, Russel Crowe, for some inexplicable damn reason.

RUSSELL CROWE

Let’s get married so I can treat you like shit.

ED HARRIS

Russel Crowe, you’re a brilliant code breaker, please join me on my top secret government project.

RUSSELL CROWE breaks codes by staring at things and then drawing RANDOM RED MARKS all over the place. Sometimes NUMBERS.

Eventually, RUSSEL and ED HARRIS are involved in a car chase after RUSSELL CROWE put TOP SECRET DOCUMENTS into a mailbox he got access to when a blacklight displayed his SECRET ACCESS CODE embedded in his arm.

RUSSELL CROWE

Jesus, what the hell I am doing? This movie is fucking stupid. It’s just more X-Files-type government conspiracy crap, god I’m sick of this kind of mindless garbage.

Suddenly, we discover that RUSSELL has been having schizophrenic episodes and ED HARRIS, his DRUNKARD ROOMATE, and his DRUNKARD ROOMATE’S NIECE are figments of his deranged imagination. String music swells touchingly.

RUSSELL CROWE

It’s still fucking stupid. Now it’s just overly melodramatic, schlocky, manipulative garbage instead.

DIRECTOR RON HOWARD

You know, if you accurately display your descent into madness and eventual triumph well enough, there could be awards in it for you.

RUSSELL CROWE

Hey, I’m Russell Crowe.. being an unstable, arrogant twit comes quite naturally to me.

RUSSELL overcomes his mental malady by using his diseased mind to think LOGICALLY, which makes a whole lot of sense. After ignoring the IMAGINARY CHARACTERS, he is given a NOBEL PRIZE!

RUSSELL CROWE

I’m so glad that I have won this, because it gratifies my enormous ego. If you give me an Oscar, I’ll make an even better speech than this.

The ACADEMY gives EVERYONE IN THE MOVIE as many OSCARS as they can.

HACK SCREENWRITER AKIVA GOLDSMAN

Wow. After vomiting out two awful Batman movies, Practical Magic, and Lost In Space, I’ve won a real, genuine Academy Award. Now THIS is a schizophrenic episode.

END