The sisters react to Apple announcing its new face-recognition-based privacy feature.


The sisters react to Apple announcing its new face-recognition-based privacy feature.

7 SISTERS (WHAT HAPPENED TO MONDAY?)

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

EXT. THE FUTURE

We are in THE FUTURE! GLENN CLOSE holds a press conference to address THE FUTURE.

GLENN CLOSE

As we all know, when we genetically modified our food to increase its yield, it caused rampant multiple pregnancies. Like how when you eat too many bananas, you can peel your skin off, or a diet of avocados makes you all green and squishy inside. So yeah, it kind of defeated the purpose but we stuck with it anyway.

(pause)

We are therefore implementing a strict one-child policy starting now! We will make safe contraceptives widely available, and all reproduction must be done in vitro so we can be sure only one child results.

(pause)

Oh shit that might work. New plan! Everyone fuck like mad and give birth to tons of kids. Any siblings must report to our fuzzy-wuzzy smiley-hug processing centres to be put in cryo-sleep and revived, I dunno, someday. This obviously not-a-cover-for-mass-murder plan is something everyone will love going along with, right?

THE FUTURE

(engrossed in hot new app that inserts household pets into old Doctor Who episodes)

Yeah okay kewl

EXT. THE CROWDED BUSTLING CITY STREETS OF THE FUTURE

Busy business lady NOOMI RAPACE goes about her busy business day. She passes through a CHECKPOINT to verify she didn't spontaneously acquire any adult sisters since her last CHECKPOINT.

GUARD

Your bracelet ID scan says you are an ONLY CHILD. You may proceed!

NOOMI RAPACE

Why would you ever find one that said "SIBLING"? Someone would have to have been issued a bracelet that was coded "SIBLING" and they would be immediately arrested.

At that moment other GUARDS have indeed tracked down a dirty filthy SIBLING!!

CROWD

AW GAWD A HORRIBLE PUTRID SIBLING

(vomits)

The freakish SIBLING is carted away, and NOOMI proceeds home to her spacious apartment and SIX OTHER IDENTICAL SISTERS, WHAAA?!? They all have DINNER followed by their nightly TEAM MEETING where TODAY'S NOOMI brings everyone up to speed on the entire day's events, with full video, over the course of an hour or so.

NORMIE NOOMI

Chalk up another successful week of us all taking turns pretending to be our cover identity! But now we can relax and be our true selves. For example, I'm Monday, and my personality is "default".

GROOVY NOOMI

I'm Tuesday, and I wear loose casual clothes!

SPORTY NOOMI

I'm Wednesday, and I constantly work out!

MOODY NOOMI

Thursday here, looking concerned!

NERDY NOOMI

Friday present, hacking away hackily!

BLONDIE NOOMI

(flirtatiously)

Saturday prefers blondes!

GLOOMY NOOMI

And I'm Sunday.

(mopes)

NORMIE NOOMI

Anyway, I'm sure everyone is wondering how we came to be in this situation...

INT. FLASHBACK

WILLEM DAFOE is brought to an UNDER-THE-OPERATING-TABLE NATAL WARD to learn that his DAUGHTER has died giving birth to SEPTUPLETS and the DAD has vanished.

WILLEM DAFOE

So they're all ORPHANS? With naturally BLACK hair? Not sure where I was going with that. Anyway, I shall be their guardian! Now what to name them? Hm, there's seven kids... I know. Grumpy, Sneezy, Bashful...

(thinks)

No no wait. I got it. Shimada, Katayama, Shichiroji, Hayashida...

(pause)

Or wait even better. Do, Re, Mi, Fa, So, La, Ti. NO NO NO, Great Pyramid, Hanging Gardens, Colossus of Rhodes...

(fifteen hours later)

...okay, days of the week it is.

WILLEM takes the kids to his apartment and teaches them how to survive in THE FUTURE.

WILLEM DAFOE

Remember, out there you must all act exactly the same. Never mind how regular people can have different moods and change their fashion sometimes, you must ALWAYS be one MILLION percent identical EVERY DAY.

(smiles)

But at home, I want you to be yourselves, so there's at least a slim chance you won't all go crazy.

YOUNG NOOMI

But there are tons of safeguards from getting in here right?

WILLEM DAFOE

There is a door.

OTHER YOUNG NOOMI

But if we're in danger of being discovered there's a secret exit right?

WILLEM DAFOE

Nope. But there is a hole in the wall that can trap, er, fit all of you inside.

The YOUNG NOOMIS go about their routine but one fateful day, ONE NOOMI sneaks out and injures herself!

YOUNG NOOMI

Dammit, I cut half a finger off! I don't suppose that THE FUTURE has technology that could seamlessly re-attach it?

WILLEM DAFOE

Sorry, you know it's Prestige rules in here!

(chops off finger from all other kids)

OTHER YOUNG NOOMI

Wow, we haven't had this much fun since my baby teeth fell out.

INT. CHEZ NOOMI - BACK TO THE FUTURE POINT WE WERE AT PRE-FLASHBACK

NORMIE NOOMI fails to come home from work, worrying everyone!

GROOVY NOOMI

Shit now what? We can't all go out looking for her, we'll be spotted!

SPORTY NOOMI

Hang on. Our very existence depends on nobody noticing we're identical sisters. We have an advanced facial-scan computer and tons of wardrobe and a batch of identical wigs. Are you seriously telling me we never thought to invest in, I dunno, a DISGUISE?!?

MOODY NOOMI

Nope! All we can do is send Groovy Noomi out in our usual wardrobe like it's a normal day. Then if Normie Noomi is in hospital or arrested or got lucky or any number of other standard reasons not to come home, we'll be totes fucked.

EXT. THE FUTURE PLUS ANOTHER DAY

GROOVY NOOMI sets out on their normal routine and shockingly is INSTANTLY CAUGHT and brought to GLENN CLOSE.

GROOVY NOOMI

Well fuck. I can only assume swarms of military are arresting all my sisters right now.

GLENN CLOSE

Actually no, we're sending a small team that will use your plucked-out eye to get past the retinal scan...

GROOVY NOOMI

Woah woah woah!! You can't threaten me first, we gotta go directly to ripping my eye out?! Maybe under coercion I would also tell you where the hiding spot is! Or lure them out into the open for you! Or--

GLENN CLOSE

But we got the eye extraction tools all cleaned and ready and everything.

(pouts)

INT. CHEZ NOOMI

The SOLDIER SQUAD gets into the apartment with their NOOMEYE and find the secret wall hiding space in like FIVE SECONDS so that was some great planning there WILLEM.

However MOODY NOOMI is not in the wall and ATTACKS! There is a BIG HUGE FIGHT in which our heroes unleash a TSUNOOMI OF WHUP-ASS, killing all the soldiers and losing only ONE NOOMI in the process, and besides it was GLOOMY NOOMI so not like she was exactly livening up the place.

MOODY NOOMI

Phew, that's another set of takes I don't have to do anymore! I mean, er, oh no, how sad.

INT. GLENN CLOSE HQ

Elsewhere, the evil suit we shall call AGENT FUCKWIT reports the bad news to GLENN.

AGENT FUCKWIT

Welp looks like the men we sent are dead. Should we try a full-scale assault that actually makes proper use of our resources?

GLENN CLOSE

We can't, people might ask questions! Which we could easily answer since we're the authorities and they're the siblings, but I can't risk such utterly unthreatening questions!!

AGENT FUCKWIT

How about sending another small group?

GLENN CLOSE

Look asshole, is it the third act yet? No? Then how about you fuck right the hell off. Besides, I'm sure if we sit around the Noomis will keep thinking up excuses to get themselves picked off one by one.

INT. CHEZ FEWER NOOMIS

Meanwhile, the FEWER NOOMIS desperately try to think of new ways to get themselves picked off one by one.

SPORTY NOOMI

I have an idea, maybe that douchebag who works at our office knows something!

NERDY NOOMI

Yes, and only one of us can go threaten him! We don't dare tip off the government that we exist OH WAIT THEY KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT ALREADY, I mean, um, we can't risk random passersby noticing we look the same COULD WE NOT HAVE AT LEAST GOT SOME CHEAPO HATS AND SUNGLASSES OR SOME SHIT OVER THE LAST THIRTY-ODD YEARS HOLY FUCK okay, okay, I can outfit Sporty with two-way communication and video feed GOSH THAT SURE WOULD HAVE HELPED WHEN TWO OF US GOT KIDNAPPED I'm sorry, I'll calm down.

INT. CHEZ DOUCHEBAG

SPORTY NOOMI arrives and confronts OFFICE DOUCHEBAG!

OFFICE DOUCHEBAG

Why are you so angry? Is it because I was blackmailing you about the vague illegal money thing you were doing!?

SPORTY NOOMI

What vague illegal money thing?

OFFICE DOUCHEBAG

Honestly I was hoping YOU could explain, it's like, super vague.

Suddenly OFFICE DOUCHEBAG is shot by SOLDIERS outside the window!

SPORTY NOOMI

Shit! Guys, how do I get outta here?

NERDY NOOMI

(over radio)

The only escape route is through a quasi-Matrix-ish chase sequence! Run!

SPORTY NOOMI dashes off, pursued by cops! She RUNS and DODGES and-

NERDY NOOMI

(over radio)

Oh hold up, there's a checkpoint guard at the door, seems that Normie was secretly dating him, I think he's looking for a booty call. You don't mind pausing your action sequence while we debate who gets to get nasty?

SPORTY NOOMI

Duh, this is a France co-production, of course I don't mind.

INT. CHEZ JUST A FEW NOOMIS

The THREE NOOMIS deliberate how they should handle GUARD DUDE, and also how to deal with the situation.

BLONDIE NOOMI

Since I look the LEAST like what Guard Dude expects, the choice is clear!

(answers door)

GUARD DUDE

Oh hey Noomi, you changed your hair! And your mannerisms! And your demeanor! And your memories of our time together! And

BLONDIE NOOMI

(over shoulder)

Okay guys I got this. Back to the action scene!

EXT. BACK TO THE MATRIX-ESQUE CHASE

SPORTY NOOMI runs up to a ROOFTOP and realizes she must JUMP OVER to the next one! She leaps, but while in MID-AIR, AGENT FUCKWIT arrives at her destination rooftop, looks around, spots her, draws his firearm, takes aim, thinks about what to order for dinner later-

SPORTY NOOMI

(still in mid-air)

Now that's what I call hang time!

-and finally SHOOTS her with a REALLY BIG BULLET that almost completely stops her forward momentum! Even so, SPORTY NOOMI gets a fingerhold on the ledge... only to be DOUBLE SHOT by AGENT FUCKWIT and sent plummeting to her TRAGIC, PAINFUL DEATH!!

INT. GUARD DUDE'S PLACE

But meanwhile BLONDIE NOOMI is getting LAID for the first time ever, so YAAAY!

BLONDIE NOOMI

Plus, in exchange for access to my vagina, I got access to Guard Dude's security feed! Now to have a peek inside the processing centre... hey one of the captured Noomis is there, still alive! Holy shit! That must be "What Happened to Monday", even though there's a 50/50 shot it's Tuesday!

GROUP OF SOLDIERS

Oh pardon us, we're here to kill you now. Just want to check if you finished knocking boots, this is a France co-production after all.

BLONDIE NOOMI

Yeah, we're all wrapped up here...

HEAD SOLDIER

Don't care what you're into. Anyway, toodles.

(shoots Blondie)

EXT. CHEZ TWO NOOMIS

Back at the apartment, TONS OF MILITARY rolls up outside!

AGENT FUCKWIT

Okay FIIIINALLLY we can storm the Noomi pad with full force like we should have done in the first place. Hand me my equipment, my underlings! Place my bulletproof vest on my body as I pose dramatically!

SOLDIER

This fucking guy, I tell you. I'm amazed he chews his own food.

NERDY NOOMI

Shit they'll break in any second! Must quickly copy our personal files before detonating this whole place! It's okay as long as the copies are safe... and hey, Moody counts as a copy of me, so

(explodes!)

In the chaos, MOODY NOOMI escapes and finds GUARD DUDE!

GUARD DUDE

What the fuck?! You're dead!!

MOODY NOOMI

No, that was another Noomi. Oh and the Noomi you banged wasn't the Noomi you'd known for months either.

GUARD DUDE

You mean I Biblically knew a new Noomi, not my Noomi who knew me? Nooo! Now my Noomi won't woo me! Boo hoo!

MOODY NOOMI

But the Noomi in the shoe could truly be the Noomi you knew! Let's goooo!

DUDE and MOODY ZOOM to RENEW the NOOMI CREW!

INT. HAPPY FUN BENEVOLENT PROCESSING CENTRE

GUARD DUDE pretends MOODY NOOMI is CORPSY NOOMI and wheels her in on a GURNOOMI. MOODY sneakily unzips her bag to get a look around, just as a dirty filthy SIBLING KID is being processed!

LEAD SCIENTIST

There we go, into the nice cryo-chamber! It certainly won't flash-incinerate you after putting you to sleep, ha ha.

KID

Come on this is so obviously a Soylent Green type scenario where we all get killed. I don't know why you're jumping through all these hoops and using this expensive, elaborate machinery, when simply capping me and tossing my body in a furnace would do just as well.

MOODY NOOMI FILMS the kid's death, then bursts out and WAILS on the scientists!

LEAD SCIENTIST

(knocked backwards into death-chamber thing)

Well I certainly can't argue with poetic justice.

(incinerated)

MOODY and DUDE make their way to rescue the imprisoned sister... who's actually GROOVY NOOMI WHAAAT?!?

GROOVY NOOMI

Yes it's me! Normie sold us out. She agreed to do that vague money thing for Glenn Close in exchange for her safety and running away with Guard Dude, because she is PREGNANT dun dun dunnn!

MOODY NOOMI

Why didn't she tell us? We could have worked our schedule around her medical appointments... come to think of it, good thing two of us never got different illnesses at the same time, huh. Anyway! We must broadcast my video of the kid dying and take down Glenn Close, and it must happen during her big gala fundraiser thing tonight for some reason!

GUARD DUDE

Ah yes, the single damning recording that instantly takes down an entire dystopian regime. Remember when we thought that's how it would work?

DUDE and GROOVY go to the SERVER ROOM and defeat a COOL SUPPORTING VILLAIN who really deserved some characterization or lines or whatnot, while MOODY confronts NORMIE in the bathroom!

MOODY NOOMI

And now we fight! Good thing I changed into an ALMOST identical dress as you, with very similar earrings!

NORMIE NOOMI

Yes, how better to get the audience invested, than to not have any fucking idea who's winning?

They STRUGGLE and one of them has a GUN and they STRUGGLE for that too! The gun goes off and SHOOTS NOOMI... but WHICH ONE?!?!?

INT. FANCY GALA BANQUET THING

GLENN addresses the room full of RICH IMPORTANT EXTRAS.

GLENN CLOSE

Thank you all for coming as I announce my political candidacy, break ground on this gentrifying construction project, make Precrime a national program, and marry Dale Arden! Bwah ha ha!

NOOMI RAPACE

Well I'm back, but which Noomi am I? The good one or the evil one? OooOOOooo! Actually since I'm just going to sit here and not do anything it doesn't fucking matter, but still, ooOOOOoooOOooo!!

But behind GLENN, the damning video plays! She is RUINED!

NORMIE NOOMI

(bursting in)

Turns out I'm the one who got shot, but not fatally, so that big suspense moment matters even less! Now you die!

However AGENT FUCKWIT shoots NORMIE and then gets shot by GUARD DUDE, handily removing all the remaining antagonists.

GUARD DUDE

And because Glenn's been exposed, all the programs she started have instantly shut down and are gone forever. Mission accomplished!

MOODY NOOMI

Yep! Now everyone can flood the planet with babies we can't feed or support and humanity is just fucked I guess.

GROOVY NOOMI

The important thing is that we can both go outside AT THE SAME TIME while our society collapses. Hurray!!

Everyone HIGH FIVES.

END

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