Black Friday gift shopping has never been more competitive.


Black Friday gift shopping has never been more competitive.

30 MINUTES OR LESS

The Abridged Script

FADE IN:

INT. JESSE EISENBERG'S CAR

JESSE EISENBERG is a PIZZA DELIVERY BOY who is supposed to be a real life version of "SPEED RACER" behind the wheel. JESSE demonstrates this by taking OVER 30 MINUTES to make his first delivery.

IDIOT CUSTOMER

You're late. That means the pizza is free.

JESSE EISENBERG

Yes, but I will get you to pay for it anyway by using my quirky awkwardness.

IDIOT CUSTOMER

Or in other words you're going to "Jesse Eisenberg" me. Isn't this the 100th time you've played this character?

JESSE EISENBERG

Hey! I haven't even been in 100 movies!

IDIOT CUSTOMER

No, it just feels like you have.

INT. AZIZ ANSARI'S HOUSE

JESSE EISENBERG

(with quirky awkwardness)

Aziz, you are my best and only friend in the whole movie, so you should know I had nasty filthy sex with your sister Dilshad Vadsaria and SHE LOVED IT!

AZIZ ANSARI

What?! I can't believe it!

JESSE EISENBERG

I know, I'm so sorry, but I'm actually in love with her.

AZIZ ANSARI

No, I mean I can't believe Hollywood still expects us to believe Jesse Eisenberg could score another hot girl without money changing hands.

JESSE EISENBERG

Hey! Hot girls love quirky awkward guys who are also quirky and awkward! How else do you explain Michael Cera and Jay Baruchel?

AZIZ ANSARI

God's cruel joke on the moviegoing public?

JESSE EISENBERG

I thought that was Tyler Perry?

AZIZ ANSARI

Oh, right. Forgot.

INT. FRED WARD'S MANSION

FRED WARD is a RICH ASSHOLE. DANNY MCBRIDE is his FREELOADING DOUCHE of a son who hangs out with NICK SWARDSON for some reason.

FRED WARD

Why don't you two homos go get a job or win the lottery like I did instead of leeching off of me for the rest of your lives?

(pause)

No, seriously, I know my character is supposed to be a jerk, but you two have every opportunity in the world to make good lives for yourselves and you're just pissing it away.

DANNY MCBRIDE

Fuck shit ass cum motherfucker bitch!

NICK SWARDSON

What was that, Danny? We should hire hitman Michael Pena to kill your father so you can inherit all of his money? But how are we going to pay for a hitman?

DANNY MCBRIDE

Pussy cock rimjob dickcheese monkey balls!

NICK SWARDSON

We should strap a bomb vest to Jesse and force him to rob a bank in order to pay for the hitman? Excellent idea, Danny!

THIS HAPPENS. SERIOUSLY. THIS IS WHAT PASSES FOR A PLOT THESE DAYS.

JESSE goes to see DILSHAD VADSARIA, AWKWARDLY. He does not tell her about the BOMB he is wearing, which could EXPLODE and KILL HER at any moment. He's a REAL HERO, this one.

JESSE EISENBERG

Dilshad, I know we only had sex that one time eight years ago, but I--

DILSHAD VADSARIA

Wait, I had sex? With... you?

JESSE EISENBERG

Uhhhhh, yeah.

DILSHAD VADSARIA

Was I drunk? I mean like really, really, REALLY drunk? Or what about ecstasy? Did I take ecstasy?

JESSE EISENBERG

No, you were awake and fully conscious.

DILSHAD VADSARIA

And I willingly had sex with you?

JESSE EISENBERG

That's what the movie wants us to believe, yes.

DILSHAD VADSARIA

So this is a science fiction film?

JESSE EISENBERG

That would certainly explain a lot, wouldn't it?

AZIZ agrees to help JESSE rob the bank, but first they go buy TOY GUNS and MASKS, QUIRKILY.

JESSE EISENBERG

No one will ever be able to tell that I am Jesse Eisenberg under this mask!

AZIZ ANSARI

Are you kidding me? Your quirky awkwardness is just as unique as a fingerprint. You could rob a bank while wearing a bear costume and everyone would still know it was you underneath.

JESSE EISENBERG

Shhh! Don't give them any ideas for a sequel!

INT. BANK

JESSE and AZIZ rob the bank AS QUIRKILY and AWKWARDLY AS POSSIBLE which results in a CUSTOMER BEING SHOT.

Then JESSE and AZIZ barely get two steps out of the bank before they TAKE OFF THEIR MASKS for NO REASON and a COP SEES THEIR FACES, AWKWARDLY.

A CAR CHASE ensues complete with SHITTY 80s CAR CHASE MUSIC.

AZIZ ANSARI

We are so fucked! We are certainly going to jail after this is all over!

JESSE EISENBERG

Nah, don't worry about it.

AZIZ ANSARI

Are you fucking kidding me? We robbed A BANK! Someone was SHOT! And a police officer SAW OUR FACES! We are the very definition of fucked!

JESSE EISENBERG

Ah, but you forget one important thing.

(with quirkily awkward quirkiness)

I'm Jesse Eisenberg.

AZIZ ANSARI

Oh right, that's true. Because of this I will no longer worry about being sent to prison for armed robbery, getting an innocent person shot, the cameras outside the bank filming me without my mask on, or a cop describing my face to a sketch artist.

JESSE EISENBERG

Hey, the movie won't worry about any of that shit either, why should you?

JESSE and AZIZ take the stolen money to "professional" hitman MICHAEL PENA, AWKWARDLY.

JESSE EISENBERG

(with maximum quirkiness)

I got the money! Now give me the code to deactivate the bomb vest that two idiot slackers somehow managed to build!

MICHAEL PENA

Sorry holmes, but I don't know nothin' 'bout no bomb or code, gringo.

JESSE EISENBERG

So Danny just expected me to hand over the cash before I took this bomb off? And he didn't tell you anything about this even though I would obviously ask you about it?

MICHAEL PENA

Yeah, that's pretty stupid. He and Nick could build a bomb with a timer and a cell phone detonator but not plan a simple money drop?

JESSE EISENBERG

Maybe that was supposed to be "funny"?

MICHAEL PENA

Doubtful. The movie's almost over and there hasn't been a single shred of funny yet. Why start now?

JESSE EISENBERG

Where the hell is Woody Harrelson when you need him?

JESSE calls DANNY, AWKWARDLY.

JESSE EISENBERG

(reaching nuclear quirkiness)

Give me the code to deactivate the bomb or you don't get the money!

DANNY MCBRIDE

Clit twat pussy tits handjob cocksucking dickfart!

NICK SWARDSON

Danny says we kidnapped your girlfriend Dilshad Vadsaria and we'll kill her if you don't give us the money.

JESSE EISENBERG

That's what he said? Because it just sounded like a lot of vulgarity that's trying really really really hard to be shocking and funny.

NICK SWARDSON

You've clearly never seen Danny McBride's "acting" before.

AUDIENCE

Is EVERYBODY in this movie just playing themselves?

NICK SWARDSON

Hey, it works for Seth Rogen, doesn't it?

EXT. SCRAP YARD

JESSE and AZIZ meet up with DANNY and NICK who are holding DILSHAD hostage. They give JESSE the code to remove the BOMB VEST and he takes it off, AWKWARDLY.

Oh, and NICK is wearing a FLAMETHROWER.

NICK SWARDSON

I am? Where the fuck did I get a flamethrower from?

JESSE EISENBERG

Asking questions is the last thing this movie wants you to do.

AZIZ ANSARI

Or laugh.

JESSE EISENBERG

Yes, that too.

MICHAEL PENA

(appearing out of nowhere with a gun)

GIVE ME MY MONEY!

(gets flamethrowered by NICK)

Fucking Jesus! What the hell did I do that was so terrible I deserve to be burned to death?

HISPANIC AUDIENCE

Playing yet another horrible stereotype that makes us look like uneducated buffoons?

MICHAEL PENA

Oh. Yeah. I guess that makes sense. Bring on THE FLAMES!

(burns to death)

JESSE, AZIZ and DILSHAD escape in a CAR with the MONEY and DANNY chases them in his VAN! But this CLIMAX is over MUCH TOO QUICKLY.

DANNY MCBRIDE

That's what SHE said!

(explodes!)

DILSHAD VADSARIA

What the hell just happened?

JESSE EISENBERG

I reactivated the bomb vest and put it in Danny's van so it could blow him up. Pretty smart, huh?

AZIZ ANSARI

So along with being a bank robber you just committed premeditated murder as well?

JESSE EISENBERG

(with an epic level of quirkiness not yet measurable by any modern human scale)

Hells yeah! I get the girl AND the money without having to face ANY of the consequences of my actions! High five!

AZIZ ANSARI

No. No no no no no no no! There's no way in hell the movie can end in such a shitty nonsensical way!

DIRECTOR RUBEN FLEISCHER

Sure it can! Perhaps you didn't see my previous film, Zombieland?

AZIZ ANSARI

Sure I did... oh shit! That means

END

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