THE 13TH WARRIOR
The Abridged Script
EXT: A GROSS SHIP.
Our hero ANTONIO BANDERAS is wet and cranky. He is surrounded by lots of VIKING WARRIORS who FROWN ALL THE TIME. They are BAD ASSES. Antonio scowls and looks very much not Arabic, in spite of the eye liner.
It wasn't always this way. I wasn't always wet and cranky and headed to fight in a war or something.
I was once a poet, but I looked at the prince's girl and he sent me away.
ANTONIO looks at some girl and is sent away.
I became an ambassador for these Vikings, and they asked me to fight with them.
A GROSS PROPHET LADY asks ANTONIO to fight with them. He accepts.
So now I'm here. Wow. That was the shortest flashback ever.
That's it? That is how he became a warrior? It took longer for him to do that in the trailer!
EXT: ON A DESOLATE COASTAL AREA
Shit! These guys speak another language.
What am I gonna do?
Uh, give us a minute.
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah Arab guy sure is stupid! Ha! We can make fun of him and he doesn't get it!
Hey! Stop that! I understand you perfectly.
He winks to the writers.
(now with english accents)
Whoa! When did you learn english?
The WARRIORS ride to the village, which is two minutes away.
Your horse sucks.
ANTONIO'S HORSE then jumps over the HEAD VIKING, a FENCE, then the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
Well, your sword sucks.
ANTONIO takes his stereotyped arab sword and does a lot of waving and nifty stuff that he learned from SIR ANTHONY HOPKINS in ZORRO.
Didn't you say you were a poet? How did you learn all that sword stuff?
ANTONIO takes off his shirt, silencing the audience, who swoons.
THE VIKINGS get to the village, talk with the leader and get ready to fight.
(also speaking english)
VIKINGS AND ANTONIO
SOME GUYS DRESSED IN BEAR SUITS COME. They are BAD because they wear BLACK and EAT PEOPLE and cut off HEADS. The VIKINGS who haven't had any lines yet all die.
I must be brave.
ANTONIO kills 20 of the BEAR GUYS by himself, even though we can't really see anything because of clips that last under a second each.
Who are these guys?
They find a thing which looks like a PIECE OF POOP but is actually some symbol or something. They take it to a 658 year old lady who talks like Yoda.
(speaking english as well)
Evil they are. Kill them you must.
8,000,000 BEAR GUYS COME and FIGHT. They kill everybody except the IMPORTANT VIKINGS and ANTONIO. They then leave for no reason at all.
SOME GIRL looks at ANTONIO in the aftermath.
They have SEX.
AUTHOR EVAN MITCHELL
That actually was exactly what happened in the scene.
Gee, this sucks.
THE VIKINGS and ANTONIO find the BEAR GUYS' CAVE. They get inside and slip by 98,235,876,123 BEAR GUYS and kill their GROSS WOMAN LEADER.
The BEAR GUYS then attack ANTONIO and the REMAINING VIKINGS in an endless slow motion sequence that is very irritating. They all die except for ANTONIO and the BLOND HAIRED OLD VIKING.
I must kill the leader, because Yoda said that would stop them!
ANTONIO immediately finds the leader, who is obviously the leader because he is WEARING HORNS. He is right in front, exposed, and doesn't even get to yell before he is dead. 68,761,238,497,656,236 BEAR GUYS then run away from ANTONIO and the ONLY OTHER REMAINING VIKING.
AUTHOR EVAN MITCHELL
This is actually what happened here, too.
All continuity errors aside, I still don't understand why these Bear guys are so evil. What are their motivations for eating people and cutting off heads and stuff?
ANTONIO takes off his shirt again. It doesn't work this time.
I love you.
ANTONIO goes home and leaves the slutty girl and the blond viking behind so he can be a poet again. This is a STUPID and POINTLESS ENDING that resolves nothing. The credits roll and the lights come on to reveal an empty theatre.
(in process of killing self)
GOD! Why did I let them do this without consulting me? Why did I let them write the screenplay? AUUUGH!
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