FADE IN:

EXT. SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

KEVIN SPACEY (V.O.)

Wow, does my life suck. My wife won’t fuck me, my daughter wants a boob job, and I can’t stop masturbating. Lucky for me, I’ll be dead in less than a year.

To make sure the AUDIENCE has got the point, we see KEVIN masturbating in the shower.

INT. CRAPPY HOUSE – DAY

ANNETTE BENNING enters the house and talks aloud to herself.

ANNETTE BENNING

I will sell this house. I will sell this house.

A parade of QUIRKY COUPLES comes by to see the house, but none of them want to buy it. ANNETTE begins crying and smacking the shit out of herself.

ANNETTE BENNING

(crying)

I didn’t sell the house! I’m a failure.

Suddenly, PETER GALLAGHER and PETER GALLAGHER’S FREAKISHLY LARGE EYBROWS enter the house.

PETER GALLAGHER

Wanna fuck?

ANNETTE BENNING

Take me!

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL – DAY

THORA BIRCH and MENA SUVARI preen outside their classroom. CREEPY WES BENTLEY approaches them with a video camera and creepily starts filming them.

CREEPY WES BENTLEY

(creepily)

Hi, Thora. You’re my next door neighbor.

THORA BIRCH

Hi. I know that.

MENA SUVARI

Piss off. God, what a fucking psycho. I’m going to say a lot of crude things to establish that my character is insecure about herself. Fuck, dick, cum, cunt.

INT. CREEPY WES BENTLY’S HOUSE – DAY

CREEPY WES eats breakfast with his father, CREEPIER CHRIS COOPER and his mother, ALLISON JANNEY, who wanders around in a daze bumping into objects for no apparent reason.

CREPPIER CHRIS COOPER

Man do I hate faggots. Those goddamn faggots are ruining this country. There is absolutely no way in hell that I am a closeted homosexual.

CREEPY WES BENTLEY

I’m off to sell drugs and videotape random shit.

CREEPIER CHRIS COOPER

What?

CREEPY WES BENTLEY

I’m going to school.

CREEPIER CHRIS COOPER

Oh.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – NIGHT

KEVIN, holding the Oscar he won for “The Usual Suspects,” and ANNETTE watch their daughter THORA and some other HIGH SCHOOL CHEERLEADERS doing an elaborate PAULA ABDUL- choreographed dance routine.

KEVIN SPACEY

(to his Oscar)

You’re going to have a little brother soon! Yes you are!

KEVIN looks up and sees MENA, then imagines rose petals shooting out of her breasts. Or something.

KEVIN SPACEY (V.O.)

Oh my God. She is gorgeous. I want to fuck her.

AUDIENCE

Anyone else feeling creeped out?

INT. KEVIN AND ANNETTE’S BEDROOM – NIGHT

Kevin fantasizes that Mena is above floating on the ceiling surrounded in rose petals, which fall on him. He’s still masturbating.

ANNETTE BENNING

What is the matter with you?

KEVIN SPACEY

I’m going to quit my job, blackmail my boss, smoke grass like it’s going out of style and take a counter job at Carl’s Jr.

INT. CREEPY WES BENTLEY’S ROOM – NIGHT

CREEPY WES continues to videotape THORA for no apparent reason.

CREEPY WES BENTLEY

Do you want me to kill your Dad?

THORA BIRCH

Sure.

CREEPY WES BENTLEY

You know, I’ve got footage of him working out in the nude for no other reason than that it’s going to play into the plot later.

THORA BIRCH

What?

CREEPY WES BENTLY

I love you.

THORA BIRCH

Oh.

THORA takes off her bra, revealing that she is probably one of the last people on earth who is in need of a boob job.

INT. KEVIN AND ANNETTE’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

KEVIN is clearing the rose petals off of his mantle for his inevitable Golden Globe, Oscar and Blockbuster Awards when CREEPY WES enters.

KEVIN SPACEY

You got that weed for me, pal?

CREEPY WES BENTLEY

Yep. Let me roll it for you.

CREEPIER CHRIS watches KEVIN and CREEPY WES from next door and mistakenly thinks they are gay.

KEVIN SPACEY

When did this turn into an episode of “Three’s Company?”

INT. THORA BIRCH’S ROOM – NIGHT

THORA and MENA are fighting over KEVIN when CREEPY WES enters, filming everything again.

CREEPY WES

My dad found the tape of your dad working out in the nude and kicked me out of the house. Run away with me.

THORA BIRCH

Okay.

MENA SUVARI

Don’t! He’s a psycho!

THORA BIRCH

And you’re ordinary.

MENA SUVARI

HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT WORD TO ME! YOU’RE A BITCH!

INT. KEVIN AND ANNETTE’S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

MENA SUVARI

Am I ordinary?

KEVIN SPACEY

Of course not.

MENA SUVARI

I really want to fuck you, but I’m a virgin.

KEVIN SPACEY

I can’t do it. By the way, can anybody explain this rose petal thing to me?

INT. KEVIN AND ANNETTE’S KITCHEN – NIGHT

KEVIN is staring at an old picture of himself, ANNETTE, and BABY THORA when someone BLOWS HIS BRAINS OUT. All of the other characters are shown reacting to the gunshot. The camera pulls back to reveal… BRAD PITT, JAMES CROMWELL and EVERYONE ELSE WHO HAS EVER SHOT KEVIN SPACEY IN A MOVIE.

AUDIENCE

Boy, sure didn’t see that coming. Except that Kevin told us he was going to die in the first five minutes of the movie.

The AUDIENCE is pelted with rose petals.

END